Lorenzo DeMalia

Why I’m Happy

I like telling strangers my dad died

Not for their sympathy

But to watch their minds contemplate

how to show me pity

Is this wrong?

Should i say it’s a joke

I’m not really fucked up

I’m a poet

it’s not for you,

It’s for me

Sometimes it’s not real

It’s a dream

Right?

My friends make the same jokes

I love them, I hate them

I am happy my dad died

I dress in extravagant clothes

Dye my hair, paint my nails

Express my sexuality.

I stand here and scream FUCK

What a rush

I write poetry

I only get slapped when I want I

have control of my tongue again

Window Pains

My hands are pressed against the screen of a three-layered slab of glass

We somehow named a window

What does the word window even mean though?

What does the word “word” even mean?

Everything needs to have a meaning

Every letter in every alphabet every...... every black and white key

On that piano I promised your grandmother I would use

Only if she could see the layers of dust that have established a home

Where my fingers were supposed to dance in sweet harmony to rhythms of Beethoven or Bach

Neither

Of which I honestly give a single fuck about

But i am supposed to care

you must be smart Lorenzo

Get good grades Lorenzo

Find a wife

settle down Lorenzo

Make me proud you are a man

You are my son Lorenzo

I don’t know though, am i?

I want to describe the details of Mozart’s compositions

I want to proclaim the brilliance of Aristotle’s Metaphysics

I want to be able to subvert expectations

I want to stop pretending I know what subverting expectations mean!!!

I DON’T want to tell you why I scratch the skin off my face

Why I shave my arms

Why I write poetry and cry when i see the leaves of an oak tree sway in the wind

Fuck the square root of 56 or compiling a list of obligations to appease a stranger

So i may finally feed myself

I don’t want to tell you

I don’t want to tell you why I have meaning

I don’t want to have meaning

Nail Polish

I want to paint my nails, to feel pretty

Or maybe to feel quirky

maybe to make my dad hate me

I slide the brush into black paint

Not knowing how

I’ll apply it to my fingers

Solvent, Burning my eyelids

It was lovely,

A drop slides off my finger onto grandma’s rug

I pour another drop out

I walked to my fathers room

Wave my hands flamboyantly

Silence rang out

Only the spider

Dancing upon

it’s freshly woven web

Noticed me

Love Dad

What is wrong with you?

Did I drop you on your head when you were born? Did you

stay up all night or are your eyes naturally lifeless? You

write these poems that are uninspired and boring, Sleep all

day, write garbage all night

Why are you so tired you sleep all day!

Do you want to succeed, do you even want to breathe? I

can't tell from that smell of weed under your door No, my

door this is my bedroom you sleep in I need to yell at you

to get it through your thick skull Force disciple down your

throat with your ADHD medicine Your mind is not right,

You must be better

Smarter

You are embarrassing me don’t you see

You can’t see because your eyes are still shut

WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED!

When will you stop blaring that god-awful music?

Cut your damn hair you look like a wannabe drugie

With those scars on your wrists at least make it deeper

So you don’t look like such a bitch

Change your jeans for fuck sake

Do you even clean your face?

Your beard looks like it’s never been shaved

Yet your neck has more scars than your wrist

Get the fuck out of bed!

You think this life is free

That poetry and clever wordplay are enough

No woman wants a man who masturbates to words

Have you even lifted your weights today?

You’re scrawnier than me eat

Make me proud for fuck sake.

You need to be better Lorenzo

Pay more attention in class

Get your head out your ass

Stop dreaming of space

Focus on filling the space in your head

There’s more than enough there to keep you grounded till

You crawl back into your bed

Your future is in shambles put down that pen

You’re the reason I’m dying

God, you embarrass me

I love you

I want to love you

I will always love you

Let me love you

I will help you

I will help you if you help me

July 30th, 2018

I’m happy I saw his face decay

Shades of white fade away

His eyes turn yellow

Skin Green

While my mom rubbed his bloated feet

I’m happy I said goodbye

That I looked into the shell of a man

Who no longer could hurt me

No longer could love me

That my eyes crossed his unknowing gaze

Without letting a tear fall from my face

I’m happy I didn’t see his last breath

But his body laying on the kitchen floor

Where we lied to each other so many times before That I

saw my brother slamming his chest with his hands While

we prayed that some beads

Could make his heart beat

EMT’S burst into what was supposed to be a home

In cover of flashing lights and blue scrubs

Inject his body with silent lightning

One.... two... three. CLEAR

Repeated while his body hit the floor

My brothers arms wrapped around me

Begging me not to watch

Tossed into the back of an ambulance

That was suppose to save the day

asking if I was okay?

I needed to see that black bag zip shut

No, I was not okay

Nor am I today

I’m fucked in the head

I fantasize about death everynight before bed.

We shall name him _______

This poem belongs to

L o r e n z o

There goes blood down my throat again

God i hate this name you gave me

It’s syllables stings the tongue

That i’ve grown hopelessly addicted to

I bite my lip every time i introduce myself

To remind myself of you

To remind me i’m you

It’s warmth depends on how badly i clench my teeth

How sharply i pinch my lip

Till i can’t breathe

Fuck

i love when i can’t breathe

It makes me feel alive

I’m a sociopath,

or i like to tell that lie

It’s easier than describing

the throbbing in my stomach

the blood flowing from my eyes

That’s how I say I cry

Water is too relieving.

I just wanna feel your hate one more time

When you say my name

I need to hate you

Or i'll have nothing distract me

From the fact I hate myself.

Cemetery Talks

Stone carved with a name I hate

A name I refuse to give to another

The reason i’ll never love

Your fucked up idea of who i was

Carved a letter in my heart

That can’t be undone

Maybe I’m too cowardly to find out

I love the trauma you gave me

Is that wrong to say?

I hope it is

being shocking is addicting

Just like being hit is

I punch myself in the face sometimes I like

when people ask why i have a black eye It

reminds me of our days together

Now i only see you at night

I see your eyes in the reflection of my glasses

Covered in scratches

Just like me

You made me into a liar

I love blaming my pain on you

Blaming me on you

It eases my stomach when i drink till i vomit

When my lungs start begging

For something with lead in it

I am addicted to your death

I try everyday to be everything you would hate

I even fail at that

I will end up just like you

Beneath this stone rotting away

I can only hope someone will hate me enough

To sit here and curse my name

I know they won’t

Nobody knows who I am

I spend my days talking to a dead man.