Where We're Now

He has a kid now. A girl. He chases her around the coffee shop, almost bumping into that geeky errand boy carrying all that coffee. She laughs, not realizing she almost got her dad into trouble. What is she, one, two years old? I can't really tell.

He looks so happy. That's good. The last time I saw him, he was in tears. Understatement. That time, I demolished him really bad. But what was I supposed to do? Say yes? I know where that leads. It's just his thing, not mine.

Look at him now. He finally got what he wanted. Not with me. Not that I now want to be back with him, no. It's just that what I am looking at is the proof that we were really not meant to be. He's over there, playing with his daughter. And I'm here, sipping my first ever kopi luwak, celebrating the promotion of my staff. Happy where we are. We're worlds apart. I really don't see a way how we could have worked things out.

So why am I telling this to myself now? He's happy. I'm happy. Happier than we could have been, had we decided to stick it through. And it's not that anyone was really at fault when it ended. We took paths that the other could not follow. That's all. And we loved each other while it lasted. It was a solid three year run. I know all these to be true. So why am I so uneasy?

It's because of how things ended between us. Sure, nobody's at fault, but seeing him devastated back then... Sure, I was the bearer of bad news... But is there really a painless way in telling someone that it's time to part ways? And is there a way to say it without sounding... cruel?

It was on our third year together that I realized that we had gone as far as we could together. We didn't have fights, and as far as as passion is concerned, it was pretty much there. But he wanted something I wasn't willing to give. As mature as he is, he was too in love to notice. I had to take the lead.

My fault was that I took too long figuring out how to tell him. He is the best of his type, quite the opposite of some toxic relationships I've experienced. So he beat me to the draw, and proposed. The worst time to call it quits. But, I told myself, it'll just be worse if I chose a better time.

I wonder who's the mother of his kid? Anyone I know? He has always been a good catch, just not mine. I didn't realize it yet when he first asked me out. If I did, I would have said no.

That's it. Did I lead him on? Did I waste his time? When we first got to know each other, it was clear: he didn't want a girlfriend. He wanted a wife. And when we were together, all his actions reflected that. I was just basking too much in his attention to notice. He really thought I was the one for him.

I don't know how long I've been staring at him. He, on the other hand, hasn't noticed me. Or pretends not to notice. No, he's busy chasing after his little girl. And what if he does notice me? I don't think that we have anything to say to each other anymore.

And that's the sad part. We were really close once. Maybe being in a relationship was too much for our own good. Maybe if he didn't court me, or maybe if I rejected his advances from the start...

That's the thing with exes: we used to be something. It's not something that's just undone. Yes, I have no desire getting back together with him. But it doesn't mean that I don't miss the things we used to do. The conversations. The hanging out. That's the gamble with relationships. Relationships tend to promise you a lot more, but can easily leave you with a lot less.

His little girl notices me staring at them. Now he notices me too. I smile and wave my hand at him. He smiles and nods. Then he's back to chasing his little girl. And I'm back to sipping my coffee.

As far as I can tell, this is the closure we both might have needed.