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Scientists’ prediction of what the view from the student center will look like by October.
St. Scholastica’s new Student Center could fall victim to an early grave, says a team of scientists in a paper detailing the building’s potential descent into the earth.
Horatio Alger, a seismologist for more than seventy years and the lead author of the paper, believes that this is due to the high content of astatine in the soil underneath the Student Center. The sinking could continue to increase exponentially until there’s nothing visible.
“Astatine is a rare earth element that scientists have rarely found occurring naturally. We’re still unsure of the origins of it, but we have a theory,” said Alger.
It’s a little-known fact that from 1900–1910, the site that would one day be St. Scholastica was used as early grounds for radiation testing. The site was promptly shut down after an explosion from the materials killed the unpaid intern, Neil Strombovzky. Some students have even reported seeing a glowing green light at night and believe it to be the ghost of the dead man, now known as ‘Nuclear Neil.’
“These ghost stories are entirely unfounded, and there is no proof of any such entity on campus. The truth, however, may lie in the explosion that killed Neil. Astatine is a highly radioactive material, and the blast could have spread it into the soil,” said Alger.
It’s estimated that by the Fall of this year, the Student Center will be half entombed by the earth. By this time next year, it may be entirely underground. However, some students aren’t deterred by this prediction.
“Frankly, it’s a really nice space to study. Add some lights, and I couldn’t care less about studying within the Earth. The extreme radiation surrounding me on all sides might sound bad, but you should see this philosophy paper I have to write!” said Junior Malachi Stevenson.
Who knows what will come of the Student Center? Will it be a relic of the past buried hundreds of feet deep in a decade, or will it continue to thrive as students access it through the power of a mining elevator? Only time will tell, but one thing’s for sure: St. Scholastica will find a way.
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