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As Spring arrives, one of the facts of life here at Saint Scholastica is that the giant spider colonies in the surrounding woods come out of hibernation and begin searching the surrounding area for food. In light of this, and keeping in mind the tragic and mysterious disappearances of 1978, we at The Script believe it is best to provide a brief guide detailing ways students and staff can enjoy life on campus while still staying safe. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts.
DO’s: Keep dead mice in a small plastic baggie so that you have something to offer a Giant Spider in an encounter. When leaving your dorm, wear shoes you can run in. Walk in pairs, preferably with a companion you know to be slower than you. When all else fails, have a steady supply of jokes and riddles handy, so you may beguile the spider/s (though the spiders' limited grasp of spoken language may prove to be an obstacle).
DON'TS: Do not attempt to challenge the spiders for dominance of public places, particularly around Kenny Hawkins Field. We all know what happened back in '78. Do not attempt to perform things such as magic tricks, tarot readings, or sleight of hand tricks in the spider’s presence, as they will become confused and frightened by this and may respond aggressively. It is unadvisable to speak ill of the Megrovianian Dynasty of France in their presence for reasons known only to the spiders. Things like pepper spray, bear spray, or any personal protective equipment will only serve to enrage them. Do not attempt to use.
Stay safe, Saints!
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