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My partner didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day, what should I do?
When our partners disappoint us, people tend to explain away the feeling. Maybe they were really busy that week, and it slipped their mind? Maybe they think Valentine’s Day is silly and so they just didn’t want to celebrate it? If you find yourself doing that, stop!
It’s okay to feel hurt, and it’s okay that Valentine’s Day is important to you. People always say, “It’s the thought that counts,” which is trite only because it’s true. It’s probably not about the holiday or even the gift, it’s about wanting to know your partner cared enough to pick out something you’d like.
Set aside the beliefs you have about how you should feel and focus on how you do feel. Are you disappointed? Angry? Confused? All of the above? If you’re having a hard time putting words to your emotions, journaling can be super helpful. Grab your favorite writing utensil (I prefer a purple gel glitter pen) and get all your feelings down on paper. You might be surprised by what’s revealed.
Now that you know how you’re feeling, it’s time to talk to your partner. It can be easy to let your anger take over and start talking for you, but angry conversations often just make us more upset. Your partner should know how you’re feeling, so be honest with them, but stay in touch with your emotions and keep that anger reigned in!
I’ve found that when I have inter-fish conflict, the best place to start the conversation is by explaining the why behind my feelings. In your case, it might sound a little like this: “I was really hurt that you didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day because I put in a lot of time (making, baking, cooking, shopping for?) a gift that I knew you’d like, and it makes me feel like you don’t care about me enough to put in that time for me.” Obviously, you don’t have to use my script exactly (although, I’d be honored), just be honest!
It’s also important to try to understand things from your partner’s point of view. Make sure you really listen to them when they share their side of the story. Did you talk about your plans for Valentine’s Day beforehand? Did they know that it was important for you to do something to celebrate the holiday as a couple? Find out their ‘why’ as well.
What about next year? Or the next holiday? First thing first. It’s probably wise to talk about expectations for gift-giving beforehand. Setting a spending limit or agreeing to only handmade gifts can help take off some financial stress. It’s also important to check in with your partner and see what holidays are important to them. Sometimes you have to compromise, but it’s also okay to stand firm in something that you really value. And if that’s exchanging gifts for Valentine’s Day, then don’t let anyone tell you that it’s not important, especially your partner.
With love and sympathy for your disappointment,
Ned.
My class load is extremely light right now, so I find myself lying in bed every night scrolling through TikTok. What should I do with my time instead?
Have you tried Instagram reels? Just kidding! This problem is actually a terrific opportunity to try something new. Before you can get there, though, you have to be firm with yourself. College is a time when you no longer have your parents around to tell you to get off your phone, which is both a blessing and a curse. But sometimes you just have to be your own parent.
Whatever you have to do to get yourself to put the phone down, do it. Make it a game and compete with a friend to see who can stay off TikTok the longest. Reward yourself for trying something new with 15 minutes of doom-scroll-brain-rot. Or, a wild suggestion here, delete the app!
The trick isn’t just putting the phone down, it’s also giving yourself a good reason to do it. Is there a club you’ve been wanting to join? Then do it! It’s never too late to join, even if it’s the middle of the semester.
Do you like to go outside? Well, don’t let the winter stop you! Layer up in plenty of warm clothes and invite some friends to go for a walk, ice skate or try downhill skiing with you. It can be hard sometimes to get outside on your own, so take advantage of Outdoor Pursuit. They have gear (including clothing) and organize day and overnight trips for all experience levels.
Indoors more your speed? Revisit an old hobby or try something new: Knitting, board games, watching movies, resin art, the options are endless. The longer you venture out away from the comfort of TikTok, the less you’ll want to return.
Cover art: Script Art// Allison Repensky
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