May 8, 2024

There comes a time in your video game life when you have to stop catching stray dogs in order to unblock a sewer…then you get kidnapped by a mariachi band. 

Let’s face it: we’ve all been there. 

But before we get to mariachi band kidnapping, let’s learn some background. The “Postal” video game franchise was created by the studio Running With Scissors. The first installment, “Postal 1” (1997), was a product of its time: grim, with violent action. The gameplay is basic, with a bird’s-eye view, and the player’s task is to neutralize all the hostile characters. Now the player is not required to neutralize ‘civilians,’ but if collateral damage isn’t an issue for the player, the civilians are almost indistinguishable from the hostiles and they get caught up in the chaos like an off-brand Looney Tunes cartoon. 

On the technical side, the “Postal 1” sound design is HORRIBLE. There is music in the credits, but that’s it. While completing the levels, the only noises the viewer can hear are the cries of hopeless protest from the doomed civilians. Every time the player moves to select a new option on the main menu, a single heartbeat plays. The main character goes into cardiac arrest before reaching the final controversial level. “Postal 1” may seem tame in the era of “Grand Theft Auto” but in the late 1990s it was shocking. The game was attacked by many politicians, including Senator Joe Lieberman, as being detrimental to America’s youth. Walmart refused to sell it. 

Once this “serious” version of the game was released, it was time to get weird.

And I mean weird.

“Postal 2” (2003) is like that quirky uncle who slips you a “special treat” at the family party when no one is looking…but there is a terrible price to pay: you have to listen to his off-color jokes. This version of the game is set in Paradise, a fictional Arizona town. The Postal Dude (the main character) has to complete a week of mundane tasks such as buying milk, returning an overdue library book, getting Gary Coleman’s autograph (yes, the real Gary Coleman) and all types of other cool stuff. What makes this game awesome, though, is that 3D baby! Yes, I said it, 3-flippin’-D. 

One of the most interesting things a player can do is beat this game being a complete pacifist. In other words, you can win without neutralizing any other characters (unlike the carnage and mayhem of the first game). 

Warning: it’s time for the gross-out. 

I mean it: Turn back now.

My favorite thing about “Postal 2” is the physics of its…bodily functions…and how it applies to the gameplay. This has to be seen to be believed. You hate the way the character across the street is looking at you? Well, you can give them a special delivery they’ll never forget. Not only that: bodily functions become weapons. If attacked by a hostile, you can actually aggressively direct your bodily functions toward them, leaving them stunned and physically sickened. Don’t tell Joe Lieberman!!! 

But back to the sane stuff. “Postal III” (2011) is literally the uglier twin—or the unwanted child of—“Postal 2,” essentially following the same storyline. This version has bad gameplay, bad jokes and a not-so-enjoyable story. The main character is, once again, The Postal Dude, who, after detonating Paradise, Arizona in the previous game, moves to a new town named Catharsis—along with his super cute (but ankle-biting) bulldog, “Champ.” The game does have some funny moments and cool ideas, but I’d recommend that fans pay no more than two crusty pennies and some pocket lint for it. 

Now, the game I’ve been waiting for: “Postal 4: No Regerts” (2022).Yes, that’s regerts, not regrets.

Get it??

The Postal Guy sounds different in this game. The voice actor is the same guy who voiced Duke Nukem (“It’s time to kick [censored] and chew bubble gum”).

Now The Postal Dude is back for a new adventure in the town of Edensin, Arizona. Without a cent to his name, The Postal Dude must beg for a job until finding a career center. He is then given three tasks: work as a prison guard, collect stray dogs in a van and perform regular utility maintenance in the town sewers. Said maintenance involves breaking up enormous…blockages…of unspeakable materials.

Now, time for an honest opinion comin’ from Emilio: The tasks in this game feel pointless. In “Postal 2,” every completed task was followed by a situation that The Postal Dude had to fight through. In this game: nothing. On the plus side, after completing certain tasks The Postal Dude gets kidnapped by a Mariachi Band and you have to fling them over the border like a knockoff version of “Angry Birds.” 

The environment in this game is amazing, as are the cartoony graphics. The humor is extremely immature (a significant portion of the plot revolves around bathroom plumbing and getting other characters to use a bidet). 

I really don’t want to spoil anything more, but you may be wondering: what’s the point of all these tasks for The Postal Dude? Because of the reward, of course. The Postal Dude is just like you and me: He wants a house, a place to call home with his best buddy Champ. 

But before the Postal Dude can roll out that welcome mat…the mayor of Edensin erupts out of a latrine wearing a postal helmet. The Postal Dude has to defeat him by flushing him back into the sewers, at which point the victory of the bidets will be complete. 

The mayor might even explode.

Home sweet home.