Mackenzie Wilson

The Power of Sleepovers to Sneaky Links: Dating Througout American History  

By: Mackenzie Wilson

Most people dream of finding their soulmate. That perfect person that compliments your best features, while matching the energy of all of your flaws. With entire media industries dedicated to displaying fictitious human connection, it is difficult not to crave the perfect relationships emulated across a screen. The concept of two people who find each other attractive enough to spend direct quality time alone together has been a practice that is ever changing throughout history. Entire generations growing up with representatives like Snow White and her Prince, Romeo and Juliete, Jack and Rose, and more modernly, Troy and Gabriella, the relationship scene has been specifically crafted to the public eye to depict perfection. But in what ways are these relationships perfect? How is the reality of dating correspondent to the fabricated love stories of our cinematic icons? As history depicts human connection as an imperative aspect of American life, the practice of dating is a crucial practice that continues to change according to who has power throughout history. 

The Notebook, 2004

Early American engagement diverged from traditional practices due to religious influence on strict parents. In the seventeenth century, the powerful Puritans plagued colonial America with harsh etiquette and traditional societal customs. Living spaces consisted of small buildings with simply one living space for the entirety of the household to share. With every member of the family living in the same room, privacy and solitude was practically eliminated. A newly created practice known as “bundling” was coined as the first step of this process in early colonial America. Bundling was a crucial courtship ritual that shaped Puritan life. The practice was primarily used as a way for young couples to get to know each other, while still adhering to the strict moral codes of Puritan society that forbade premarital sex, as religious morals reigned strictly over early American citizins (1). Puritans emphasized morality and sexual purity under the examination of God, believing that sex should only occur within the confines of marriage. In a usual bundling setting, a young male would come over to his female counterpart’s home where they would spend the night together, consisting of the pursuit of various sexual stimulations and gratifications to determine if the two young adults were compatible with each other (2). Relationships between individuals were obligated to be approved under the church, or else expulsion from society was risked. Outward sexual nature was viewed as a detriment under the powerful God, as it was not socially acceptable to partake in any actions that distinguished notions of sexuality (3). 

Bundling, New England Historical Society 

Two young individuals participating in the ritual of bundling

Additionally, with divorce being forbidden under God and societal law, compatibility through bundling was critical, as it was believed that a female orgasm was necessary for procreation. Parents continued to possess immense authority over marriage as well, as legislation tightened church control over marriage ceremonies (4). Parental guidance over young people in early America was simply a pawn under the religion they practiced. Puritan’s religious beliefs strongly influenced the way people engaged with each other, creating a foundation for these beliefs to be executed in future centuries. 

The values of colonial social obligation transitioned smoothly into the eighteenth century. While practices like bundling started to decline as a result of modern housing with multiple rooms and access to privacy, other traditions were on the rise. While interactions between unmarried men and women were still closely monitored by family members, their relationships began to be used as assurance for alliance and power. This form of engagement remained a formal process exclusive of genuine desire, with specific rules and expectations for behavior to ensure an acceptable social status for the rest of the family. Parents continued to hold prestigious power over young couples, as wealth and esteem were among many popular factors to families working to decide who was “best” suited for their children. 

As religion continued to play a crucial role in community norms and respectable demeanor, there were certain exceptions that shaped the way society viewed minorities during the eighteenth century. With slavery existing as a popular practice during this period, African Americans experienced forced relationships by many different means. Enslaved people were oftentimes matched together for “breeding” purposes by their masters, extracting any sort of cherished connection between them (5). In practically no cases were there opportunities for African Amercans to “get to know each other” for the purpose of shared infatuation (6). Additionally, in many cases, masters would take advantage of enslaved women and their vulnerability. According to Richard Godbeer, leading scholar of early American history, “although planters worried that sexual relations with black women would lead to “cultural debasement”, they considered intercourse a prerogative of slave masters”(7). Even despite the religious value that marital sex was a central belief of citizens in the eighteenth century, slave masters did not believe that interacting with enslaved women in such way “counted”, emboldening the dehumanization of African Americans from the dominant white race throughout history. Nonetheless, African Americans upheld their own traditions throughout the eighteenth and into the nineteenth century, including jumping over a broomstick to constitute a marriage ceremony (8).

The Broomstick Wedding, from The Story of my Life, or, The Sunshine and Shadow of Seventy Years, by Mary A. Livermore, 1897, Virginia

Ritual of a broomstick wedding where the couple jumps over a broom as a way to legitimize marriage as enslaved individuals were not able to marry legally

Nineteenth century parents started to become more lenient with the relationships of young individuals, leading to the foundation of what a typical modern “date” would look like in later centuries, which was currently known as “courtship”. Courtship became a rising practice  guided by social norms and customs, involving traditions that demonstrated the seriousness of the relationship. The new and emerging system of courtship allowed for heightened skepticism within young connections. Families began to only investigate for a proper suiter for their daughters after her first menstruation cycle, as this occasion served as a marker to filter unwanted attention from male admirers. Expectations of respectability, commitment, and courtesy were all highly valued by parents at this time. Additionally, financial status was a major concern that fueled parental control over the courtship of young adults.

Economic dependence was deemed crucial for women to obtain, as it was not socially acceptable for them to participate in any form of workplace. Society stressed how relationships between young people aimed for “economic dependence of women, but did not entail emotional intimacy or even companionship between the sexes,” according to Godbeer (9). A controlling patriarchal society displayed wives under their husbands as property, functioning beneath his power and under law. Women were completely dependent on their counterparts, rendering them to indulge in conditions only their husbands would allow.  

Throughout the nineteenth century, high status families consistently prioritized their own political agendas above desired love, continuing to exercise a more traditional form of connection like courtship. By the beginning of the early twentieth century, however, high-class parents awaited a modern version of courtship known as “calling”. Calling was a social practice where a man would visit the home of a woman he was interested in courting, with the intention of getting to know her better and express romantic interest. It was expected their daughters' suitors would portray a distinguished gentleman persona. The goal of the visit was to establish a rapport with the woman and her family that displayed his suitability. Calling upon potential suitors started to establish control for not only parents, but their daughters as well. Young females with parental approval were gradually allowed to be a deciding factor in who they could pursue, sometimes even testing their male suitor by threatening to break off the relationship or engagement (10). Although parental guidance was still a powerful factor, even the minimal involvement of female opinion sparked a shift to slowly begin to incorporate desire of a suitor and not just arrangement by parents only to institute a high social status (11).  

For working class families however, status was not as highly esteemed. With tenement homes of the late nineteenth century working class providing no intimate outlook for couples wanting to get to know each other, the idea of the traditional “date” started to emerge. The lack of privacy from working class living spaces created the need to go out in the community. Parks, excursion boats, movie theaters and dance halls were all considered popular activities for the children of the working class to embark upon with a partner at the end of the nineteenth century and into the twentieth. 

By the early twentieth century, dating emerged as a public practice that established an opportunity for the youth to see multiple people without the end goal of marriage. This was one of the first times in history that marriage started to move away from a political tool, and move towards true infatuation with a partner. For same sex couples however, there were still many challenges that inhibited dating outwardly as a basic human right. Jill Johnston, a member of the gay community during the early to mid 1900s recalls, “Coming out would now become a political matter, a means of establishing identity, of challenging the status quo…” (12). As a result of queer unacceptability, many same-sex couples in the 20th century had to keep their relationships hidden from the public and often lived in fear of being discovered or persecuted. Despite these challenges, same sex-couples did find ways to form and maintain relationships. They often participated on the “double-date”, consisting of two males and two females pretending to engage in a heterosexual outing. Others had to resort to meeting each other in secret, through discreet social networks, or in underground bars and clubs. Dr. Charles Silverstein, during the 1950s accounts, “I sometimes sneaked out of my house in the early morning darkness, long after everyone in my middle-class Brooklyn neighborhood had gone to bed, walked  to Steve’s apartment house… and sank to the floor of Steve’s door” (13). While self hatred built up for those sneaking around to hide their true identity, it was clear that societal hetero-normative standards of romance held power over the gay community. LGBTQ+ individuals still however continued to find ways to exercise their feelings for who they truly desired, hoping to push the boundaries of traditional American mindsets. After the Stonewall riots in 1969, the LGBTQ+ rights movement gained momentum, and queer people began to demand more visibility and acceptance in society. This led to the opening of more public spaces, such as bookstores, cafes, and community centers, that catered to the LGBTQ+ community and provided more opportunities for queer people to meet and date each other.

As dating in America increased in popularity over the beginning of the twentieth century, adjustments to the traditional dating scene emerged to change the way citizens connected with each other. Dating embodied the expectation of constant entertainment, while redirecting the power of a relationship out of the hands of parents, and into the daters. In “The Art of Romance” episode of 1950s well known sitcom Father Knows Best, the dynamic between the emerging teenage dating “game” is accurately displayed. Highschool teens Bud and Judy throughout the episode have the mutual understanding that they have desired feelings for each other, yet, the so-called “chase” of dating that emerged during this period  allows them to execute their relationship unlike previous generations (14). Dating started to become a game between parties, emulating a cat and mouse dynamic. This process was basically a modern version of the nineteenth century threats women would convey to their male suitor. However, young adults at this point were not dating to authorize marriage, and therefore the power held by women in the ability to make threatening claims was taken away from them (15). As expectations heightened for both males and females, both parties assumed perpetual enjoyment when it came to the dating game. 

"The Art of Romance", Father Knows Best, 1954 

Bud is pictured doing his best to talk to Judy in the library, hoping to try and ask her out smoothly as possible

While going out on a date eliminated most parental supervision, this new concept of dating prompted more control for men, and much less for women. Girls used to be able to accept calls, initiating conversations and outings with whomever they desired. With the popularity of amusement in dating, it was now the boy's position to institute interest, both physically and financially. Girls were now expected to always present themselves in an attractive light, “playing dumb”, ensuring that she would not overshadow the man. Male finances became a leading initiation of early-twentieth century dating that in turn established an idea that girls then “owed” them something. These powerful stereotypes created by a strong patriarchal society began to plague Americans on a community level, as women continued to be viewed in a condescending manner compared to their male counterparts who were seen as initiators. 

By the mid 1950s, there were significant technological advancements that led to a change in the dating world. The installation of high-tech headway, such as the Kansas Turnpike with lengthy phone wiring, introduced a foundation  of modern dating, as long term communication was now possible (16). With new forms of contact ability progressing throughout the mid twentieth century, media began becoming increasingly involved within the dating scene of young Americans. America at this time was seduced by hypermasculinity, and therefore influenced greatly by the forms of media that reinforced this culture, such as the debut of Playboy magazine in 1953. The premise of the magazine conveys, “We don’t expect to solve any world  problems or prove any great moral truths. If we are able to give the American male a few extra laughs and a little diversion from the anxieties of the Atomic Age, we’ll feel we’ve justified our existence” (17). Before the formation of the internet for human connection purposes, media was additionally utilized by bulletin board services and newspaper ads (18). Magazines like Playboy promoted a consumer driven identity for men that later morphed into an important mentality to prioritize when it came to dating through media (19). 

Playboy, December 1953

Cover of the Newly Introduced Male Magazine Playboy

The introduction of emerging dating through other forms of media by 1955 started to popularize new ways of forming first impressions and presenting oneself to potential interests (20). Although not the most common method of connecting with people, early computer dating services in the mid twentieth century primarily operated through questionnaires to have users find like-interests. Daters filled out profiles about themselves and their romantic interests and mailed them to dating companies where they would be displayed to other users (21). Advertisements marketing newly introduced dating business began to take not only the internet by storm, but the entire American population. Business and lifestyle writer for the New York Times and Washington Post, Andrea Orr recalls how “the internet was being used for dating almost for day one,” explaining how online newsgroups and forums initiated, “posting of personal ads, similar to what was going on in newspapers at the time” (22). Locals used these ad postings as navigation through the newly digital world of human connection. People of similar interests would meet in city-oriented rooms or forums to foster newly formed relationships.

Look Magazine, 1969

A 1969 cover story for the magazine Look paints a picture of computer dating as a new fad   

This emerging service of dating began to eliminate equity struggles between genders, races, and sexual orientations, reinforcing the power of dating into the hands of those who wanted to participate. The introduction of online dating began to challenge traditional dating norms and created new expectations and standards for relationships. It was now much easier for people to connect with others who share similar preferences, allowing for compatibility in terms of shared interests, values, and lifestyles (24). Services began to specialize as the popularity of the platform sparked nationwide interest, especially as the internet quickly evolved into apps by the twenty first century. 

Top Online Dating Serives, 2000s

Picture of the Top 3 Online Dating Platforms of the Early 2000s

These dating apps have become increasingly specialized in recent years, catering to specific niches and preferences. Interests relating to sexuality, religion, ethnicity, age and level of relationship informality have all developed into their own specific dating apps, allowing a large and inclusive range of users to decide who they wanted to engage with and how they wanted to do so. Apps like “Tinder” reinforced casual hookup culture, while others like eharmony and even a more modern match.com prioritized relationships. “Grinder” and "Her” establish platforms for LGBTQ users, an ideal that was not previously prioritized by media and early online dating at the end of the nineteenth century and beginning of the twentieth. “Christian Mingle” targeting religious users and “Mixed” targeting different ethnic groups are other examples of the variety and specificity of these apps. Dating apps constructed a method to the dating world that matched people based on their personalities, preferences, and interests, compared to the arrangement methods of young adults from previous generations. 

Sensor Tower, May 2019

Numerous Modern Dating Apps of Current Online Dating

With as little of a swipe right, people could now connect with potential partners from all over their communities, cities and even the world. Power was now reallocated to anyone on the platform, as online dating created a space where you can be as transparent with your intentions as you want, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, etc. New possibilities for people who may not have had access to the dating pool otherwise opened up, allowing people of all ages, ethnicities, and orientations to participate in the dating scene just as easily as heterosexual white people who were in a position of prioritization in previous centuries. Accessibility for everyone to find their “happily ever after” has finally been curated in a way that is convenient and popular. From prince charming to hubby, the dating scene is finally in a place where people have power over their own connections. 

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2. Blower, Brooke 3/16/2023

3. Soderlund, p. 98 

4. Gillis, John R. For Better, for Worse: British Marriages, 1600 to the Present. Oxford University Press, 1988. 

5. Soderlund, p. 99 

6. Qualey, Carlton C. Minnesota History 44, no. 4 (1974) http://www.jstor.org/stable/20178332. 

7. Godbeer, Richard. Sexual Revolution in Early America. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins Univ. Press, 2004. 

8. Godbeer, p. 11 

9. West, Emily. “Courtship and Marriage · Hidden Voices: Enslaved Women in the Lowcountry and U.S. South · Lowcountry Digital History Initiative.” Omeka RSS. Lowcountry Digital Library , n.d. https://ldhi.library.cofc.edu/exhibits/show/hidden-voices/enslaved-women-their-families/courtship-and-marriage. 

10. Lystra, Karen. Searching the Heart: Women, Men and Romantic Love in Nineteenth-Century America. New York , ny: Oxf. U.P. (N.Y.), 1993. 

11. Blower, Brooke 3/16/2023

12. Johnston, Jill. Made For Her, p. 27 

13. Silverstein, Charles Dr. Siren Song, 1996 p. 117

14.  Father Knows Best, 1955. “The Art of Romance”

15.  Bailey, Beth L. From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1993. 

16. Rousmaniere, Kate. History of Education Quarterly 40, no. 3 (2000). https://doi.org/10.2307/369569. 

17.  Playboy December 1953, p. 3 

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19. Batura, Amber. “The Playboy Way: Playboy Magazine, Soldiers, and the Military in Vietnam.” The SHAFR Guide Online, 2015, 222. https://doi.org/10.1163/2468-1733_shafr_sim270030045. 

20.  Ali, Azad I., and Kustim Wibowo. p. 482 

21. Ali, Azad I., and Kustim Wibowo. p. 484 

22. Orr, Andrea. Meeting, Mating, and Cheating: Sex, Love, and the New World of Online Dating. Upper Saddle River, NJ: FT Prentice Hall, 2004. 

23. Look Magazine, 1969

24. Ruberg, Bo. "Computer Dating in the Classifieds: Complicating the Cultural History of Matchmaking by Machine." Information & Culture 57, no. 3 (2022): 235+. Gale Academic OneFile (accessed March 21, 2023). https://link-gale-com.ezproxy.bu.edu/apps/doc/A727741870/AONE?u=mlin_b_bumml&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=aa2b4248.

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