Liya Savasman

From Double Dates to Social Media: A Comparison of High School Dating in the 1950s and Today

Brief History of Dating

According to the book Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating, the term “date” was coined in 1896 by George Ade, a columnist for the Chicago Record (1). This term referred to a courtship that was public rather than the practice of calling which meant meeting privately at a residence. Since the lower-class population did not have parlors or empty rooms to be called upon, courting outside of the house became practice and hence the term dating came around (2).

A First Date in the 1950s

Seventeen Magazine, 1959(4).

A typical 1950s first date in high school was usually in the form of double dates. This was usually initiated by the boys as playing the role of pursuer allowed boys to feel “manly and in control” (2). This also played into boys always paying for the expenses of the date as it was a show of masculinity. Double dating was seen as an easy-going environment that allowed shy couples to feel comfortable. It was also important for boys to indulge in pursuing the girl and for the girl to respond accordingly. In a handbook “Always Say Maybe”, girls are advised to be “surefooted, silver-tongued, and stout-hearted" in conversation with boys so they would be seen as hard to get and not “easy” (3).

In the book “Teen Guide to Homemaking,” it was expected for girls to be picked up from their homes and for the boys to meet their parents for inspection (4). When opening the car door, he should escort her and help her open it. This was important as it showed that the boy was likeable and well-mannered. A typical place for a date according to Seventeen magazine were ice cream parlors, drive-ins, bowling alleys, coffee shops and record shops (5). Movies were a popular choice as it gave teenagers privacy from parents. However, refraining from showing “affection” during the movie was emphasized in the handbook as teenagers needed to remain “clean-minded.” Girls were encouraged to demonstrate interest in subjects that boys usually liked. Although kissing on the first date was not advised, a poll taken in 1950 showed that 51 percent of high school boys believed in kissing on the first date (2).

A First Date Today

On the other hand, a first date for teenagers in high school now can vary widely depending on the individuals involved and their personalities. However, there are a few common things that many teens might experience on a first date. Typically, flirting and otherwise letting someone know you are interested in them is the first step to building a romantic relationship, and teens approach this in numerous ways across a range of online platforms. Social media interactions like friending them on a social media site or expressing their attraction by liking, commenting or “sliding into dms” are popular methods of flirting (6).

The second step is asking someone out. This can be nerve-wracking for both parties involved, as it requires putting oneself out there and risking rejection. However, girls are far more likely than boys to wait for the person they’re interested in to initiate contact in person. Online however, girls are more likely to ask someone out via text message. Assuming the date is agreed upon, the next step is often deciding where to go. Some popular first date destinations according to Teen Vogue for high schoolers might include the arcade, taking a hike, going to the zoo or going stargazing. Teens will try to pick a place that is relatively public and safe, as well as within their budget as both parties are likely to split the bill (6). During the date itself, the two teens will likely spend time getting to know each other better. They might ask each other questions about their interests, hobbies, and families, or they might talk about current events or pop culture. It's also possible that they might be a bit nervous and have some awkward silences, but this is seen as the norm (7). If the date goes well, it's possible that they might end up kissing or hugging at the end of the night. However, this isn't necessarily expected, and some teens might prefer to wait until they know each other better before becoming physical. Overall, a first date for teenagers in high school can be a fun and exciting experience. It's a chance for them to get to know each other better and potentially form a romantic (8).

Introduction

Dating in high school has been a rite of passage for teenagers for generations, but the nature of dating has changed significantly over time. While traditional gender roles and courtship rituals were heavily emphasized in the 1950s, today's dating in high school is shaped by technology and changing attitudes towards relationships. These changes in the experience and expectations in first dates shows how dating has become more casual because of advancements of technology, change of gender roles and the influence of parents. This essay will explore these differences and how they have changed in American history.

Gender Roles and Expectations in the 1950s

The 1950s was a period of conformity, when both men and women observed strict gender roles and complied with society’s expectations. After the Great Depression and World War II, many Americans sought to build a peaceful and prosperous society (9). This is why certain gender roles and norms were socially enforced where women were expected to identify primarily as wives and mothers while men were expected to be masculine and the sole breadwinner. The strong cultural emphasis on moral and social values, forced teenagers to adhere to traditional gender roles, with boys taking the initiative in asking girls out and paying for dates, while girls were expected to be demure and chaste. Educational videos shown in schools were popular as there was a fear of the consequences of dating going wrong, such as unplanned pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections, which were seen as highly stigmatized and could lead to social ostracism (10). As a result, dating was closely monitored and controlled to prevent these outcomes.

Prior to the 1940s and World War II, dating was in the form of courtship, where parents were much more involved in dating interactions between couples. This slowly began to change in the 1940s after World War II as women outnumbered men. According to the June 1952, New York Times Magazine, each boy and girl should ideally go on 25 to 50 dates with eligible marriage partners before making his or her final decision. In the 50s, teenagers entered the dating scene at a much earlier age as the average age of marriages dropped to 18 for women and 20 for men. This change impacted how teenagers could interact with each other (2).

The 1950s marked the beginning of America’s youth-oriented culture because it was then that teenagers both gained freedom and visibility. However, freedom with dating came with the requirement that teenagers conformed to a series of social norms, many which were guided by the norms and expectations of their parents and experts’ advice. According to a study in 1950s, parents had significant influence on gender roles for teenagers, as parents’ attitudes towards traditional roles impacted how teenagers acted in their own relationships. It was important for teenagers to “honor family and clique expectations in their choice of mates” meaning that parents approving of teenagers’ relationship was of the utmost importance (11).

New York Times Magazine, 1952 (2)

In the 1950s, gender roles for dating were largely traditional and strictly enforced. Boys were expected to take the initiative in asking girls out, and they were also expected to pay for the dates. Girls were expected to be demure and passive, and to dress and act in ways that were considered socially acceptable.

One young man as a guest writer to the February 1959 issue of Seventeen magazine wrote:

"Growing up has taught me one thing: there is an infinite number of ways by which a boy can meet a girl. I've also found that once he meets a girl -- and becomes interested in her -- a boy must indulge in a sly, artful practice called pursuit" (12).

But those first few moments of "pursuit" are always hard to start, aa it depended on how the girl responded to the advances from a boy. However, girls were usually encouraged to be flattered by these compliments so boys could feel manly and in control (13).

Dating: Do's and Dont's, 1949(14)

Gender roles were also reiterated in schools by showing educational films about going steady or by giving advice on dating rituals. An example would be in this film below which shows how one gets a date and what to do on a date according to the expectations of adults. These educational films were intended to help teenagers live good lives and remind them that there were customs and certain boundaries in dating and if they violated them, there could be consequences. In this video of “Dating: Do’s and Dont's” the boy must choose a girl that he wants to go on a date with and then ask her out (14).

This shows how boys have the power of initiation, while girls should wait to be asked out. Dating was characterized by rigid gender roles and expectations; boys were expected to be the initiators of the dating process and take on a dominant role, while girls were expected to be passive and receptive. Girls were often judged on their attractiveness and ability to be good wives and mothers, while boys were judged on their ability to provide for a family.

Gender Roles and Expectations Today

Today, dating is much more egalitarian and inclusive, especially as technology has changed the dating landscape. Girls are more likely to initiate dating, and both genders are expected to take an active role in building a relationship. There is more acceptance of non-traditional gender roles and relationship styles, including same-sex relationships and non-monogamy. Although the expectation of gender roles has significantly changed, girls are far more likely than boys to wait for someone they are interested in to make the first move.

When it comes to dating, some traditional practices remain common as nearly half of girls (47%) say they usually wait for boys to ask them out first, compared with just 6% of boys who say the same. By contrast, boys are nearly twice as likely as girls to say they would usually ask someone out in person if they’re interested in going on a date (69% vs. 35%) and are also significantly more likely than girls to ask someone out via text message (27% vs. 20%). However, boys and girls are equally likely to say they would ask someone out by calling them on the phone, messaging them on a social networking site, or getting one of their friends to ask for them. This shows how gender roles for girls and boys have changed and how dating has become more equal and inclusive over time (5). Despite these changes, gender stereotypes and expectations still exist in dating as boys are often expected to be the initiators and pursue women, while girls are expected to wait to be asked out.

Now instead of societal norms around dating, there are mom blogs that advise on the best ways to go about dating. According to a family blog, talking about sex and teen dating violence is important as being as open as possible can keep teenagers safe. It is also emphasized for parents to talk about the dangers of dating online and meeting them in person for the first time. Modern dating for teenagers stems from ensuring they are safe from online scams or dangers as social media contributes greatly to their dating life (15). Due to the rise of dating apps and social media, teenagers are more open to meeting people that they have never met. Although parental influence on dating has lessened, parents are now warned through blogs and guides about the dangers of online dating.

A notable blog called “A Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating in the Digital Age” emphasizes that parents can and should help their teens navigate dating by teaching them about safety, boundaries, and privacy in this digital world. It is also recommended that parents should start foundational conversations about what healthy relationships mean as early as elementary school. This is because online dating can be dangerous, and parents are encouraged to “initiate conversations” about online predators and ask about details of the date if their teen is going out. This shows that parents are open and involved in their teen's dating lives to warn them and give them advice about the dating world (16). However, teenagers now have more freedom to explore relationships and make their own choices without rigid dating rules and etiquette.

"A Parent's Guide to Teen Dating in the Digital Age" (16)

Dating Rituals in the 1950s

In the 1950s, some dating rituals included the concept of “going steady” which meant being in an exclusive relationship. This concept was practiced when a boy gave a girl an article of his clothing to wear such as a jacket, sweater, or ring. Boys were also expected to call their steady girlfriend a certain number of times a week and take her out on a certain number of dates. Going steady also meant that the couple could reach a higher level of sexual intimacy (2).

Going Steady, 1951(17)

Many saw this stage as a kind of "play marriage" for the young couple and this exclusiveness made them act as if they were married to each other. After "going steady," a young couple could get engaged and, then married (2). Going steady was seen as an important step towards engagement and marriage, which provided a sense of security for young couples, as they were expected to attend social functions together and spend time exclusively with each other as seen in this video. (17) However, these rituals showed the gendered dynamic, where boys were expected to lead in the relationship and fulfill certain expectations.

The nature of the emerging post-war consumer culture gave way to the rise of a middle class with more disposable income. This caused an emphasis on materialism and consumption which led to expectations of boys paying for dates as it demonstrated their economic status and ability to provide for a potential partner. This is why boys usually expected to be “necking” or “petting” on a date if they spent money on the girl and wanted some petting in return (2). After going on a few dates some other rituals for dating were “necking” and “petting.” A 1956 study defined necking as "kissing and light caressing above the neck" and petting as "more intimate contact with the erogenous zones, short of sexual intercourse" (18). This expectation reflected a transactional exchange in dating which did become more prominent during this period as part of the larger cultural shift towards consumerism and materialism.

However, according to the advice column of Seventeen magazine, boys would “value the girl more if she postpones the kiss to the second date (19). And according to educational videos shown in schools, the most acceptable way to end a date was by refraining from touching and planning another date for the week after. As explained by CBC Life, in the book "Teen Guide to Homemaking," if a girl was going on a first date with a boy, the boy was expected to pick her up from home and meet her parents for inspection. It was important to have "your family meet and approve of the people you know." Furthermore, with strict curfews, boys were required to return their date home within a reasonable hour by walking her to the door and ensuring her safe arrival (4). These dating rituals were practiced and taught as the norm for teenagers showing how relationships should develop through a certain set of rules and etiquette. These expectations did not leave much room for casualness and created a serious dating landscape that would eventually lead to marriage.

Seventeen Magazine, 1956 (19)

Dating Rituals Today

Dating rituals in the present day have little to do with leading up to marriage and more with getting an introduction to intimacy, relationship roles, and sexual experimentation (20). Social media and modern technology play a big role in how high school couples meet, communicate, and break up. According to the Pew Research Center, 47% of teenagers have expressed their attraction by ‘liking’, ‘commenting’, or otherwise interacting with that person on social media (6). This shows how important it is for teenagers to have access to technology to participate in the current dating culture.

According to Pew Research Center, social media interactions are one of the most common ways for teens to express romantic interest in someone. Half of all teens (50%) have let someone know they were interested in them romantically by friending them on Facebook or another social media site which represents 65% of teens who use social media (6).

Even if teens see someone interesting at school, rather than waiting to see them the next day they prefer to interact with them online. According to Psychology Today, Instagram and TikTok are the two major apps used by Gen Z for dating. A popular dating ritual practiced during this period is “stalking” which is when teens don’t talk to other teens to get information about their crush but instead search multiple social media apps to locate their potential partner’s accounts and then follow them on those apps (20). While most teen romantic relationships do not start online, technology is important for flirting and expressing interest in a potential partner. Along with in-person flirting, teens often use social media to like, comment, “friend” or joke around with their crush. Among all teens, 55% from ages 13 to 17 have flirted or talked to someone in person to let them know they are interested (6).

When teens want to let their crush know they're interested, they do so by “deep liking” them. This means they are scrolling through old social media posts/photos and then liking those old posts. This is a sign that they are indirectly communicating to their crush that they are interested in them. Once that interest is somewhat reciprocated, the teen may “slide into their crush's DM's.” This means that teens are sending a direct messages to their crush’s private messaging app (16).

Chris Nappi on TikTok

(18)

The next stage of dating for teenagers is the “talking stage.” This means they are casually learning about each other through texting, sending memes, or videos. “The talking stage” is a label coined by Gen Z’s to describe an undefined early stage of many relationships.

A popular TikTok creator Chris Nappi offers this definition: “In those first 8 to 12 weeks of a relationship, in the pre-relationship talking stage, they still need to be showing good dating energy—taking you on dates, hitting you up, making you feel special, showing you respect, building trust—all the things you would want in a relationship” (21). In this stage, there's dating, in the sense that they're going out and hanging out alone together, but neither of them ever calls the other one their “S/O.” They're just “hanging out,” or “hooking up” (22). These dating rituals show how much slower and more casual dating progresses now whereas in the 50s, norms and expectations made dating more serious at a quicker pace. Movements for women’s equality have led to expectations of higher education for girls, which impacts teenage dating now by making it more casual and indirect as girls have the chance to go to college, have a career, and get married later rather than right out of high school.

Conclusion

In conclusion, dating in high school has evolved significantly over the years. Traditional gender roles and courtship rituals were emphasized in the 1950s, with parents having a significant influence on the dating experiences of teenagers. However, with the advent of technology and changing attitudes toward relationships, dating has become more egalitarian and inclusive. Not only is there greater acceptance of non-traditional gender roles and relationship styles but also both genders are expected to take an active role in building a relationship. While some traditional practices remain, the teenage dating landscape has changed significantly from the 1950s to now, reflecting the broader social changes that have taken place in American society.

These changes have impacted the way teenagers interact with each other and form relationships, as well as the expectations they have for those relationships. The shift towards a more casual approach to dating, with a greater acceptance of non-traditional gender roles and relationship styles, reflects a broader shift towards the rejection of strict social norms and expectations. This has allowed teenagers to be more open and honest about their feelings and desires, and to explore different kinds of relationships in a way that was not possible in the past. At the same time, the influence of technology on dating has both expanded and complicated the dating landscape, making it easier to meet new people but also creating new challenges in terms of online dating dangers. Overall, these changes have had a profound impact on the experience of dating in high school and the way that teenagers navigate relationships and social norms.

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About the Author

Liya was born in Germany, and then moved to Bahrain a couple years later. In 2017, her family moved to Virginia where she went to an all girls school. She then decided to go to Switzerland for college but then transferred to BU after her first year. Liya is a junior and is majoring in Media Science and History.

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