Grace Pham

The Sleepover: A Child's Dream, A Parent's Nightmare

You are getting ready to go to your friend’s birthday slumber party. There is so much to think about: the new cute pajama set that you are going to wear, your sleeping bag, and the new makeup kit you got. After packing for the sleepover, your mom drives you to your friend’s house. Once you have arrived at your friend’s house, she tells you to call her if you need anything and have fun. As you walk toward the house, with each step, you bounce with excitement about the junk food, dancing, singing, late-night talk, and pillow fights that await you inside. This idea of a sleepover has been a ritual of American childhood since the late 1940s and early 1950s, but this mainstream practice for young kids and teens might be a thing of the past because of growing nervousness, from their children's personal habits to social concerns such as safety. Such change is reflected in shifts in parenting throughout the evolution of sleepovers. Parents in the last two decades have been more reluctant about permitting their children to go to sleepovers due to fears of losing control and not knowing what ideas and dangers their children might be exposed to at someone else’s house. 

Defendants of sleepovers argue that sleepovers are still a normal part of childhood and that parents who express worries over their children’s safety and ability to adjust during overnight stays are the minority. In connection, many teen movies of the early 2000s depict slumber parties as innocent fun of girlhood with no reference to such fears about sleepovers. In Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Princess Mia invites princesses from around the world to attend her bridal shower slumber party that starts with mattress surfing down the palace’s grand stairway and ends with the princesses sitting in a circle and listening to the Queen sing (11). This scene has all the ingredients for the perfect slumber party: snacks and juice that the girls eagerly grab in the opening of the scene, mattress surfing as pillow fights’ glorified substitute, stereo playing music, singing, dancing, and cute pajamas. Similarly, 13 Going on 30 has a scene portraying sleepovers as carefree, amusing, and girly.  Jenna Rink tells the girls, who live in her building, about her reconnection with her childhood friend, as they gush over her story. Their feelings of hopelessness about their love life lead them to sing “Love Is A Battlefield” by Pat Benatar while dressing themselves with fancy scarves, hats, handbags, and heels (13). Even if these two portrayals are not conventional slumber parties that young children and teenagers participate in, they reinforce this image of innocence and femininity often associated with sleepovers — oblivious to 21st century parents’ anxiety and apprehension toward them. 

After 1945, suburbia became a central feature of American life, meaning that many children now had their own room and were no longer limited to a single room where they ate and slept with their family. This luxury gave them a space to invite over and entertain friends. With this freedom, the earliest form of the sleepover, the pajama party developed around the late 1940s as an overnight stay among three or more friends. While young and teenage girls strictly participated in this occasion, young boys also slept over at their friend’s houses as a casual rather than formal gathering. However, there was concern about adolescent boys having sleepovers with the norm of compulsory heterosexuality that rose in the 1930s, explaining the lack of accounts of sleepovers between boys. A Seventeen magazine piece “Party Postscripts” from 1949 gave readers highlights of a typical pajama party based on the experience of 18-year-old Elaine Havelock. From her story, pajama parties were sleepless nights full of “girl-talk and giggling,… a good old-fashion pillow fight,… and ‘teen-age hors-d'oeuvres’ [of] graham crackers with cream cheese and pineapple spread and apples” (8). In its beginnings, pajama parties were innocent play, even among older female adolescents like Elaine. Even though her story did not hint at any parental monitoring during the gathering, this new product of teen culture started to gain more adult involvement in the 1950s as sleepovers became a more common routine of American childhood, especially girlhood. 

In the 1950s, anxiety around parenting was high. Peter Stearns’ Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America, published in 2003, brings attention to the mid-20th century “rhetoric of anxiety, especially around the theme of maternal responsibilities and mothers’ deep concerns for their children’s wellbeing,” and “the concept of the vulnerable child.” Many parents relied on Dr. Spock’s advice and book The Common Sense Book of Baby and Childcare from 1946 to understand the do’s and don'ts of childrearing, and they were told to not trust their instincts to navigate hurdles of parenthood (10). Given this messaging, parents in the 1950s exercised much authority over their children’s lives, particularly who they socialized with and how they spent their time at sleepovers. A Parents' Magazine & Family Home Guide piece from 1959 followed Helena Homles who planned her daughter's slumber party, the new pajama party, despite other mothers telling her, “Helena, don’t relent, don’t give in, don’t ever agree to have a slumber party” (6). Holmes recalled her agenda: “First, I hied myself to the market and laid in a lavish stock of food…Then I went to the drugstore for a few sundries… Next, my planning involved getting rid of all extraneous members of the family and hav[ing] everything slick, proper and just right for the occasion.” Even the piece’s title “SLUMBER PARTY: How to plan it…enjoy it… live through it” (6) emphasized mothers’ methodical approach to hosting a slumber party. Although it was an event that mothers must “survive,” the anecdote suggested that planning slumber parties for children was a mother’s natural duty as if it was wrong to deprive them of this rite of childhood. In this period, slumber parties were met with moderate adult control that was subtle enough to give the impression that their children had complete freedom, so they could have a good time.  

Nevertheless, this element of adult structure in slumber parties began to erode at the dawn of the 1960s. As breadwinning wages turned insufficient and more job opportunities opened to mothers, laissez-faire parenting became the norm. Paula Fass in her 2006 book The End of American Childhood adds that “in 1959, [people were] already deeply concerned that married women’s growing presence in the labor force could leave children at home with inadequate supervision… and feed into juvenile delinquency” (3). Children were left to their own devices after school hours during this golden age of childhood between the 1960s and 1980s. Reflecting this greater independence in childhood, slumber parties became a hotbed for exploring sexuality and substantive vices away from adult eyes and ears. The sleepover scene in Grease from 1978 demonstrated this shift in approach to slumber parties. It showed Frenchy with her teenage friends teaching Sandy how to smoke the French way and sneaking sips of alcohol. When Sandy went to the bathroom, Rizzo mocked Sandy’s virginal and pure image in a song as the other girls laughed along. Meanwhile, Frenchy’s parents were nowhere to be found in the scene (5). Their absence revealed the prevalence of “hands-off” parenting during that period, which allowed adolescents more freedom to talk about sex and engage in adult activities. 

Regardless of this change in adult supervision between the 1950s and 1980s, the dominating attitude about sleepovers was the bountiful benefits it offered children. A sleepover was not only a time to have fun. It was a chance to experience a new environment and learn new things to gain a sense of independence. In Parents magazine, Phyllis Theroux’s 1986 article read that “spending the night or weekend at somebody’s house enables one’s child to see how different families operate… Styles of living, which are different but nevertheless all work, are absorbed” (12). Even though she dealt with an unexpected breakout of hives from her child’s friend, Theroux believed that children “drag[ged] more than sleeping bags through the front door. They drag[ged] in life” (12). Despite some parents dreading sleepovers because of the extensive planning or the rowdiness of a lot of girls crammed into one room, Theroux’s narrative represented an overwhelming agreement that a sleepover was an activity that enriched children while putting fun at the center. If parents were against sleepovers, their reasons were linked to the tedious logistics behind it or a strict desire to have their children live only at home until they move out. Disapproval was less often around safety and trust. 

This carefree attitude for sleepovers continued into the 1990s, as wild antics found a greater normal place in this teenage ritual. A Seventeen magazine clipping shared personal stories of sleepover scandals from teens. The rowdy and embarrassing anecdotes were a stark contrast to the innocence and femininity tied to sleepovers a few decades before. One girl remembered a particular sleepover: “I went to a sleep-over at a girl’s house. At about 2:30 AM, a bunch of us decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool. We were goofing around and being pretty loud when we noticed [a] cop who… woke my friend’s parents up to tell them to keep an eye on us” (2). Her anecdote indicated the lack of parental oversight. Many parents let their children roam free, unaware or indifferent toward activities like skinny dipping. Another teen recollected “playing Truth or Dare with a group of girls and boys. She was dared to French this really hot guy she’d been crushing on. The kiss was great — until he suddenly pulled away with an awkward look on his face” (2). Although sleepovers mainly defined girlhood, co-ed sleepovers developed in this decade with remnants of relaxed parenting. These sleepovers became a cousin of sleepovers that enabled more private interactions between teens of the opposite sex and continued into the 2000s. 

At the turn of the century, in 2003, parenting style saw a dramatic shift. The expectation for parents is now to care for their children by giving them a lot of affection and attention to grow to their fullest physical and mental potential. This is the new landscape of parenting: when mothers prepare to return to work, they must instruct caregivers through show and tell to ensure that they know exactly how to parent their children. The change in parenting influences sleepovers, as parents are hesitant to send their children to a stranger’s house overnight because of their sleeping anxiety or awkward sleeping behavior. An article from The New York Times “Ensuring Domestic Tranquility During Sleepovers” brings to light such concerns among 21st century parents. Several doctors provide their expertise on these worries about sleeping behavior. Dr. Jodi A. Mindell at the Sleep Center at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia recommends “warn(ing) other parents if (their) child may sleep walk or have a sleep terror… consisting in screaming, looking terrified, and not (responding) to comfort” (7). Another problem is ensuring their children take medication for sleeping disorders and placing that responsibility onto other parents. Other points of uneasiness are difficulty sleeping in an unfamiliar place away from parents, sleeping with specific comfort items, and bed-wetting, which could place additional burdens on the host parents. Nonetheless, these anxieties are mostly from parents with young children rather than those with teenagers who are more likely able to hold in their pee during the night and keep track of their medication. 

Besides attachment parenting, hesitance from many parents of the 21st century to allow their children to spend the night outside the home also sprouts from the notion of a tiger mom, a term coined by Amy Chua in The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother in 2011. Although the tiger mom, essentially a strict parent, was first associated with Asian families, it eventually transcended Asian-American families, describing the parenting style of other American families. This rise of helicopter parenting translates to concerns about losing power over what their children see and experience, especially with exploring sexuality prematurely. For this reason, co-ed sleepovers in the 2000s face increasing resistance from parents. In particular, Laurie Strickland in a 2003 issue of Ladies' Home Journal says “There is no way I would allow [my three teens] to host or attend a co-ed sleepover… Teens are constantly faced with sexual temptations and pressures” (9). Moreover, as girlhood becomes increasingly fixed on protecting young girls who are sexualized at a younger and younger age with the growing influence of the Internet, fears about risks of sexual assault in unfamiliar environments like another person’s house develop. A Chicago Tribune article spotlights Nicolette McKinlay, who “closed the door on sleepovers forever after her cousin was sexually molested by her uncle when she stayed overnight at another cousin’s house.” Even if sexual assault is not a point of stress, McKinlay highlights that “children and teens can still take part in underage drinking, drug experimentation, [and] unsupervised online activity” (1). These issues parallel the antics of the female characters in Grease during Frenchy’s sleepover with no adult chaperone to control their activity.  

In the digital age, 21st century “parents who are still on the fence [share] their uncertainty in online groups.” Others listen to psychologists on Tiktok, read blog posts, and look for news articles to alleviate their fears: “How well do we know the other parents? Are there guns in the house? What about alcohol or drugs? Are there older siblings around? Will the kids be watching YouTube or TikTok all night? Is it a girls-only or boys-only gathering?” The enormous volume of information that parents have access to on the Internet heightens their sense of caution and fuels messages of social interactions like sleepovers being “complicated, calculated risks” (4).

While 2000s teen films represent slumber parties as innocent and playful and a small number of parents consider sleepovers as a good opportunity for their child to grow socially, sleepovers have become a source of stress in the last 20 years for many parents, who view them with opposition. However, parents did not always feel this way about this childhood tradition. At its birth, sleepovers were met with enthusiasm from parents and a balance of adult supervision and freedom for children. Parents saw the ritual as a way for their children to develop social fluency, be exposed to different environments and routines, and learn to go out of their comfort zone while having fun outside of the home. This sentiment continued into the 1960s and lingered until after the late 1990s, as sleepovers involved less adult control with “free range” parenting. Yet, with the shift in parenting in the 21st century to attachment parenting and helicopter parenting, slumber parties and sleepovers have become an issue of trust. Trust that the host parents ensure that their child takes their medication. Trust they do not have guns. Trust they monitor what their child watches. Trust they make sure the children do not drink or use drugs. 

Footnotes 

1. Braff, Danielle. “Sleepovers a thing of the past? It’s a trust issue, parents say.” 

Chicago Tribune, 2017. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/health/views/08klass.html. 

2. DeWitt, Kaija, Susan Falco, Dan Sachar, and Scott Cintra. Sleep-Over Scandals. 

Seventeen, 55, no. 10, (1996). 20,    https://ezproxy.bu.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fmagazines%2Fsleep-over-scandals%2Fdocview%2F1876749296%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D9676.

3. Fass, Paula S. The End of American Childhood. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2016. 

4. Gibson, Caitlin. “Sleepovers Have Gotten Very Complicated.” The Washington Post, 

2023.https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2023/01/17/sleepovers-hesitation-parents/. 

5. Grease. Hollywood, California: Paramount Pictures, 1978. 

6. Holmes, Helena. SLUMBER PARTY: HOW TO PLAN IT... ENJOY IT... LIVE 

THROUGH IT. Parents' Magazine & Family Home Guide, 01, 1959. 49, https://ezproxy.bu.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fmagazines%2Fslumber-party%2Fdocview%2F1715564192%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D9676.

7. Klass, Perri. “Ensuring Domestic Tranquillity During Sleepovers.” The New York

Times, 2011. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/health/views/08klass.html. 

8. “Party Postscripts.” Seventeen, 8, no. 5 (May 1949): 142, 

https://ezproxy.bu.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fmagazines%2Fparty-postscripts%2Fdocview%2F2023932017%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D9676.

9. “Scandalous Sleepovers?” Ladies' Home Journal 120, no. 5 (2003): 226. 

https://www.proquest.com/wma/docview/1903425243/D6A1484B35AD4E07PQ/2?accountid=9676\. 

10. Stearns, Peter N. Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America.

New York, NY: New York University Press, 2003. 

11. The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. Burbank, CA: Walt Disney, 2004.

12. Theroux, Phyllis. “The Sleep-Over.” Parents, 06, 1987. 64, 

https://ezproxy.bu.edu/login?qurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.proquest.com%2Fmagazines%2Fsleep-over%2Fdocview%2F1898999730%2Fse-2%3Faccountid%3D9676.

13. 13 Going on 30. Hollywood, California: Columbia Pictures , 2004. 

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