Ella Kwok

Fighting for the Bill: The Partial Death of Chinese-American Identity 

Ella Kwok

Growing up, one of the largest traditions within my Chinese household was the dimsum table. It was purple clothed, with a lazy susan that stretched across the middle of the table, barely leaving enough room for the teacups and plates and swanfolded cloth napkins. Around the room, since my family was large, spanning over 40 relatives, were my relatives: great aunts and uncles, cousins, nephews, and nieces, grandparents, and more - family friends sometimes, other times new in-laws. The table’s reach extended beyond its 4 foot radius. But even more memorable besides the yelling of the cart ladies and the tea pouring actually came at the end of the meal, when everyone had been stuffed: the fight for the bill. 

At the end of every lunch, it was customary to argue, to fight for the bill. Of course, the same arguments would come up again and again - “You paid last time, I’m older so I should pay, no I’m younger so I should pay.” There would be the stealing of the bill, where my sisters or I would be sent on secret covert missions to go find our waiter and get the bill from him. My grandma would fake having to go to the bathroom, only to return with a triumphant smile, her purse hidden by her side. 

But it's come recently to my attention that I no longer partake in this ritual. Every end of dinner is no longer met with the humorous argument but rather an even split, the bill fair for everyone. When did this ritual, which I remember so vividly as a big part of my childhood, come to an end? I sought out answers through the internet, my peers and family, and research. Finally, I came to a conclusion: the theatric act of fighting for the bill is a dying tradition, something that is progressively being washed away with each new generation. 

It wasn’t until the Mid-21st century that fighting the bill became a tradition in America. This was when the larger second wave of Chinese immigrants came to America, assisted by new legislation such as the 1965 Immigration Act and China’s loosening its control over its emigration controls in 1978. A very significant distinction between this wave and the previous was the level of education; this new wave of immigrants were scholars and intellectuals who had attended universities in China. They were well-versed in academic topics, and a majority were fluent in English (5). Americans gained a new appreciation for these immigrants, as they began to populate universities, corporations, and even the government. Only here, when wealth and comfort had settled amongst the Chinese immigrant community did “fighting for the bill” become a concept. 

“Fighting for the bill” originates from the strong hierarchical system within China and the need to be respectful to your peers. Within America, the natural hierarchy put the father at the head of the household for practically all of history. Then, within that male hierarchy, it was perhaps who had the closest to the perfect family, job, or such. There was no strict boundary, it was simply natural to fall within rankings. But within China, that hierarchy was a wall of concrete. Since the Han Dynasty (206 BC), social hierarchy has essentially been the most important thing in life for the Chinese, and that belief has yet to fall (6). The strongest example of this wall of a hierarchy is the concept of  “filial piety,” which dates back to the pre-Cofucian period, where Chinese children, as their primary duty, served their parents with complete and utmost obedience. 

To illustrate the concept, the seventeenth example from the book The Twenty-Four Examples of Filial Piety, written by Kuo Chü-ching during the Yüan Dynasty, goes as follows: “The family was so poor that they could not even afford a gauze net against the mosquitoes. Therefore every night in the summer swarms of mosquitoes would come and bite them. Wu Meng let them all feast on his naked stomach. Even though there were so many, he did not drive them away. He feared that the mosquitoes, having left him, would instead bite his parents. His heart was truly filled with love for his parents” (7). This respect has permeated through generations of Chinese-Americans. However, filial piety is an eroding concept, and the strict grip that unquestioning obedience and reverence has since loosened. This erosion in return, has diluted both the severity and necessity of fighting for the bill. The reigns of respect within the passing generations have continuously gotten looser, with filial piety now being a concept that is now almost only vocalized and no longer shared through other forms of media. 

These treacherous and harsh conditions which lasted for generations are what created pride for several of the Chinese American families who made it past death. That being said, the money that they hold is a testament to their grit and hardworkingness. This pride is what pushes many Chinese elders to fight for the bill - it is a humble pride and brags: “I worked hard for this money, and it is my duty to use it to take care of my family.” It’s a combination of ego and familial duty, tying back to that idea of filial piety even. But time has passed, and that wave of Chinese immigrants has disappeared, in their stead now their daughters and sons with newer forms of money. There has been the dilution of these prideful mindsets, as each generation has experienced safer jobs and better wages through improved quality of life, less racial tensions, and more opportunity. 

Pride itself exists in many forms. For other Chinese people, the fighting of the bill is a display of power, usually manifested through an abundance of money. Surveys have proven Chinese people to be some of the most materialistic people, with money acting as a determinant of whether or not they are successful (10). That being said, there will always be egotists who want to flaunt their wealth, more eager to boast about their earnings than their hard work. After all, a majority of the wealth comes from the aforementioned elders who persevered through terrible conditions. Even if earnestly earned, there still exists boasters, formed by the undeniably competitive Chinese culture where everyone is constantly being compared to their peers. It was a fight to show who assimilated better, quicker, and easier. But since then, the assimilation process has gotten easier and more accessible and thus becomes less of a bragging point amongst the egoists. This has been through more inclusive legislation, the development of technology, increased accessibility to education and job opportunity, and increased support from society.

Nowadays, it is more popular to “go dutch,” or to split the bill. This method has become more common with the new generations, namely Gen Z and Alpha (spanning birthdates 1995-2004). This is most likely due to an ever-rising cost of living within America coupled with an increase in the amount of people going out to eat. Splitting the bill is much more economically conscious than footing an entire bill, and the newer generations are able to empathize with each other when it comes to paying (11). This empathy has also spread to older generations such as Gen Y and Gen X (spanning birthdates 1965 - 1994, whose households have experienced difficulty with dealing with bills. In fact, according to the Senior Citizens League, in 2022 credit card debt that lasted over 90 days nearly doubled for older generation households, illustrating that many of these people still face heavy financial burdens and instability, further alluding to a lack of willingness to fight for the bill (12). Another survey from Yahoo! Finance found that out of a group of 1000 Americans, 82% split the bill one way or another whereas only 18% take turns covering the bill. This 18% does not necessarily include the infamous “fighting for the bill,” with Yahoo! Actually specifying that this 18% take turns paying the bill (13). Thus, splitting the food bill has become the more popularized method of paying, and this small tradition of fighting has withered since. 

Another reason for this dying ritual is the development of alternative cash payments such as app payments and credit cards, which have made splitting a bill significantly easier. Restaurants can now split a bill at the push of a button, with each party being given their own receipt. The ease of access offers only more incentive.  There are now apps such as Chase’s Zelle, Venmo, and Cashapp on cellular devices that not only make monetary transactions easier, but also more logical and convenient. There are even other apps that will split the bill for you, permuting all of the necessary calculations. For example, Splitwise is a free application with over ten million downloads that helps users track bills and other shared expenses (14). To illustrate the difficulty of splitting a bill before these advanced technologies, here is a video utilizing comedic effect emphasizing how frusturating it can be to split the bill efficiently. Although exaggerated, each problem brought up within the video is a valid pain point, be it that the restaurant doesn't take a specific type of credit card, or that one of the customers didn't bring cash. 

"The Struggles of Splitting a Bill": Four friends determine the best way to split a food cheque.

Looking for other possible reasons for the decline of this ritual, I found myself asking my sister if she felt as if the ritual was dying. 

I actually don’t think that it’s dying. I mean, I still argue with my friends sometimes, especially when it’s like their birthdays. I do think that our generation has a very different view on going to eat as an action. Like Like, for me, I’ll insist on paying like to commemorate occasions. It’s maybe a little more transactional; and not as much of a pride thing anymore.

To this, my stance stayed just as strong, if not stronger. 

A difference between the older generation and the newer generations is the meaning of going out to eat. Going out to eat didn’t become common and accessible until the mid-20th century, when new eating habits like takeout became an option. And the amount at which American citizens go out to eat has only since increased, with foodservice and drinking place sales away from home nearly doubling in billions of dollars (15). The very definition of eating out has changed significantly; no longer is eating out a once-in-a-while occurrence, it’s something that is happening weekly, be it for one reason or another.

Foodservice and drinking place sales in the United States from 1992 to 2021, showing a general incline.

The casualization of the process of eating out, has then in return, increased the expenditures spent at restaurants, calling for less generosity and for stricter monetary restrictions when going out. In older decades, when eating out was perhaps a once-a-month occurrence, it would make sense to fight for the bill for such a rare occasion. 

Curious as to see a difference between generational views on this ritual, I also asked my parents of their thoughts. My mother explained the bulk of hers and my father’s thoughts:

It’s a respect thing.  It’s not even something that we think about anymore, like it’s just an expectation anymore. Well, maybe not an expectation but more like just force of habit.  We definitely still argue, though. 奶奶 (grandma) never wants us to pay. I think it’s because she thinks she’s more financially stable than us. She doesn’t have much to spend her money on, you know she went back to work because she was bored and 爷爷 (grandpa) was driving her nuts. 

It’s here that I’ll note a very different view on why my grandma is constantly offering to pay the bill: it’s out of love. 

A huge generational difference between my parents’ and their parents and me and my parents is how they express their love. My parents didn’t grow up with I love you’s, and all, but I did. Familial interactions like that have increased since the 1900’s, when there was a transition on the significance of children and how they should be taken care of, and emotional investment became a parental focus (16). Parental love transitioned from a practical, dutiful relationship to one of connection and belonging. My parents were yet to experience this era entirely, especially being first generation coming from a Chinese household. Therefore, my mother believes that my grandma is giving because she is generous. I believe that my grandma is giving because she is loving. 

To illustrate this intergenerational disconnect, I found a video titled Asian Parents Say "I Love You" to Their Children for the First Time." Within the video, it's apparent that this display of emotion is not common, and is in fact constantly met with confusion. And for some of the parents, it's visually difficult to get the words out. It's important to note that most of these parents look to be middle aged or older. 

"Asian Parents Say 'I Love You' to Their Children For First Time": a new emotional experience for both parent and child

However, nowadays, expressing familial love has never been more straightforward, and this direct approach has taken storm for many families. As a result, using actions to express love, while still existing, is not as prevalent or common within our society. 

That being said, be it financial duty or an expression of love, this ritual continues to die. Intergenerational economic elasticity, or the amount at which the incomes of familial generations change, within America is generally at a decline; the incomes between parent and child have become closer and closer together, creating less of a wealth disparity (17). 

The lack of wealth disparity has therefore supports a lack of “financial inequality” as families become more and more economically similar, creating less incentive to fight over the bill. 

Looking for this specific ritual throughout American media, the only results that appeared were informal blogs, personal articles, and then a few youtube videos, This only alludes further to the casualty of this ritual and its lack of foundation; although it is a common practice that many Chinese Americans can relate to, it’s not something that is frequently thought about or considered a huge part of the culture in comparison to other rituals such as Chinese New Year or the Mid-Autumn Festival. Fighting for the bill is an untitled, yet familiar and intimate habit, compared perhaps to how the youngest must always pour the tea for their elders, or perhaps never sticking chopsticks upright in rice. It’s a disposable ritual, something mitigated to a force of habit. The lack of media covering these small traditions are explanatory. 

There was one example I found of this particular fight, demonstrated in an episode of a television show called “Fresh Off the Boat.” This show is one of the few American shows that primarily focus on Chinese Americans. But something to note about this plot point is how this ritual of fighting is something comedic, something to laugh about. It’s a lighthearted reference and joke. This view, coupled with the fact that the ritual hardly makes any appearances in modern day media, helps prove its insignificance within Chinese-American culture, and perhaps an unknown ease to forget about it.

Clip from Fresh Off the Boat, Season 2 Episode 24: "Jessica and Gene's Polite Fight," showing the fight for the food bill

So why does this all matter? Why is the death of this frequent, yet casual ritual so important? The decline of this ritual, I believe signifies something bigger - it represents the possible effects of assimilation and how that assimilation has affected the varying generations within America. I believe that the death of this ritual shows the possibility that we are losing bits of our cultural identities as time passes naturally. This is an unknowing process, and while some may deem it depressing maybe, I think that for others, like perhaps for the older generations, it represents success in assimilation. These small rituals, although practically insignificant, are sprinkled throughout the lives of many immigrant families, and their disappearance is seemingly going forgotten - we are losing them without even knowing them. 

End Notes

1. Brooke Blower, “Learning to Cope” (Lecture, Boston University, Massachusetts)

2. Anderson, Annika, et al. “150 Years of Chinese American Cuisine.” 150 Years of Chinese Food in America, UCLA, 2018, http://conniewenchang.bol.ucla.edu/menus/index.html. 

3. Anderson, “150 Years of Chinese American Cuisine.”

4. Xu, Xianghui. “Chinese in America: A Silent Journey and Invisible Existence.” ESJJ: Chinese in America: A Silent Journey and Invisible Existence, Education and Social Justice Journal, https://www.geneseo.edu/~esjj/Fall2005_3.html. 

5. Xu, “Chinese in America: A Silent Journey and Invisible Existence.”

6. Teon, Aris. “Directness, Hierarchy and Social Roles in Chinese Culture.” Directness, Hierarchy and Social Roles in Chinese Culture, The Greater China Journal, 31 July 2021, https://china-journal.org/2017/03/09/directness-hierarchy-and-social-roles-in-chinese-culture/. 

7. Kuo Chü-ching, The Twenty-Four Examples of Filial Piety (1260), Chp 17

8. Kok Sing Chan, The Classic of Filial Piety (Asiapac Editorial, 2016), 2

9. Brooke Blower, “Learning to Cope” (Lecture, Boston University, Massachusetts)

10. Ferdman, Roberto. The Relationship between Materialism and Fashion Consciousness ... IPSOS, 2013, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/304330083_The_relationship_between_materialism_and_fashion_consciousness_The_moderating_role_of_status_consumption_tendencies_and_religiosity. 

11. Hicks, Coryanne. “How Inflation Affects Your Cost of Living.” Forbes, Forbes Magazine, 7 Feb. 2023, https://www.forbes.com/advisor/investing/inflation-cost-of-living/. 

12. Senior Citizens League. “As Inflation Soars, Older Consumers Take on More Debt: The Senior Citizens League.” Established in 1992, The Senior Citizens League (TSCL) Is One of the Nation's Largest Nonpartisan Seniors Groups. We Are Here to Ensure That You Receive the Benefits You Earned and to Help You in Any Way We Can!, Senior Citizens League, 26 Apr. 2022, https://seniorsleague.org/as-inflation-soars-older-consumers-take-on-more-debt/. 

13. Konish, Lorie. “After an 8.7% Social Security Cost-of-Living Adjustment for 2023, next Year's Increase May Not Be as Large.” The New Road to Retirement, CNBC, 21 Mar. 2023, https://www.cnbc.com/2023/03/20/8point7percent-social-security-cola-for-2023-affects-spending.html#:~:text=While%20the%202022%20COLA%20adjustment,workers%2C%20or%20CPI%2DW. 

14. Bittner, Jonathan. (2011) Splitwise. 

15. 7, Jul. “Foodservice and Drinking Place Sales Us 2021.” Statista, 7 July 2022, https://www.statista.com/statistics/239410/us-food-service-and-drinking-place-sales/. 

16. Brooke Blower, “Self Discoveries” (Lecture, Boston University, Massachusetts)

17. Palomino, Juan C., et al. “Intergenerational Mobility in the US: One Size Doesn't Fit All.” Intergenerational Mobility in the US: One Size Doesn’t Fit All, VOX EU, 3 Jan. 2019, https://cepr.org/voxeu/columns/intergenerational-mobility-us-one-size-doesnt-fit-all#:~:text=The%20most%20widely%20used%20measure,children's%20income%20in%20later%20life. 

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