Newspaper Club: Real or Sham?

The adaptation of Artificially Intelligent technologies has spurred a series of questions regarding the state of modern-day society: Will AI be the downfall of our workforce? How can we defend ourselves against automation? Will it cause the degrowth of our economy? Is Newspaper Club currently being run by robots?

The answer to these questions and more have been carefully scrutinized by professionals, yet to no avail. This is why an outside source (me - Michael Michaelson) decided to investigate the true inner workings of the (machine-addled?) group of “people” we refer to as the Newspaper Club. Once I’ve collected everything I need to know, I will submit this article anonymously and wait for publishing.

My first step in this careful examination propelled me to inquire with a supposed ‘first-hand’ account of Newspaper Club. In a nutshell, I decided to set up an interview with “Grace Ryan”, allegedly the Editor-in-Chief of Newspaper Club. Before asking questions, however, I needed to know what signs to look out for in my investigation. I thoroughly researched discrepancies, discontinuities, and any suspicious activity robots may depict when attempting to disguise themselves as humans. According to the Better Business Bureau, “Asymmetry in human faces, teeth, and hands are common issues with AI images. You might notice hands with extra (or not enough) fingers too. Another telltale sign is unnatural body proportions, such as ears, fingers, or feet, that are disproportionately large or small.” While this research may be in regards to Artificial images online, there was no reason it couldn’t apply to humans. I began compiling a list:

• Societally imperfect features

• Bodily mutations

• Big feet

Apparently, robotic detection was incredibly judgemental. No matter, I would nevertheless keep one eye open when conducting my interviews, and I would be starting right now, with my Grace Ryan interview.

To begin, I presented my first question to her: How is a typical Newspaper Club meeting run? Ryan provided me with a few answers, such as how club members start with general salutations, discuss weekends, present a joke and some funny photos. She summarizes by making the very absolute statement of, “Everyone likes it.” An intriguing, somewhat automated response—one might say programmed. On that note, I decided to proceed with inquiries on the club’s use of technology—where did they draw the line? Have sites such as ChatGPT been harnessed in the execution of articles? To this question, Ryan responded verbatim, “I trust every single one of our reporters to be honest in their own work and to bring forth the best of what they are truly capable of, whether or not they use AI.” You may notice that there was no definitive denial of this accusation, and in fact a rather shady response. Take note of the ‘whether or not’ mentioned in her answer.

I then continued my interview, quizzing her on how the newspaper is written, formatted, and published. Ryan gave a few feeble responses, such as “We all play a part,” and “Everyone writes something.” However my attention was drawn to her concluding statement; when asked how technology is utilized, Ryan stated that, “Technology plays a huge part in bringing this paper to life.” That’s right, folks—technology to life. I had almost reached my conclusion on the inner workings of this infiltrated club, but I had one more interview to perform and one more question to propose to Ryan. This question was directly, “Would you consider yourself to have flawless facial features?” Ryan suddenly and suspiciously became very flustered, nervously laughing as she replied, “No comment.” I began to think perhaps I had reached a roadblock, until fortunately eavesdropper Ellie Iszler chimed in to give an explicit, “No.” Eureka! I had my answer. Without a doubt, there were, at minimum, traces of robotic activity amongst these journalists.

My job wasn’t done yet. I had one more interview to collect, that of creative editor Sienna Grinager. I figured if anyone would know about the use of AI, it would be the one most likely to apply it. My first question was the same as the one posed to Ryan: How is a typical Newspaper Club run? Grinager considered for a few moments before jumping in to a surely scripted response.

“Grace gives us some very funny jokes, generally of the dad variety, then she shows us some funny photos, before finally she tells us all to get started on our work—and we go get started on our work.”

A few things of note here: First, if my investigation proves true, apparently robots need a weekly humor stimulus. Secondly, there is a strange amount of orders being followed around here without question. I immediately followed up on this and asked, “Would you say everyone does exactly what she [Ryan] says?” Grinager quickly backtracked, avoiding the question (but not blatantly denying it) by arguing, “You should hear the snarky remarks I make during meetings—we can’t be robots because we’re funny.” Woah, woah, woah - robots? How had she seen through my mysterious questioning? My guard was up. I did jot down one additional note, however: “Robots…programmed…with…humor…okay, gotcha.”

“Wait-” Grinager protested but I quickly moved on. My next question was to describe how the newspaper was written, published, and formatted.

Grinager’s robot senses were now clearly alerting her of suspicious behavior regarding my questions, so she attempted to curtly shut down my next inquiry by saying, “Everyone does their own work and no one cheats.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re absolutely certain?”

A firm, “Yes.”

“Not a single person?”

“Absolutely not.”

“So…you’re saying you know what every single individual in Newspaper Club is up to at all times with the writing process?” I challenged.

You could see the wires fraying inside her ‘brain’. Before she could attempt to deny the hive-like mind of the club, I quickly moved on to my final question.

“Do you have any final comments regarding Newspaper Club, their use of technology, anything else you deem important?” I asked sincerely.

Grinager nodded. “Grace is a good leader,” she replied. “She’s nice, and everyone listens to her. It’s why the club is run so harmoniously.”

Aha! Grinager had essentially admitted that Ryan was controlling the club. I had everything I needed, and abruptly concluded the interview.

As I’m sure you’ve gathered, there were some rather suspicious answers presented to us. Everything I’d been researching matched up perfectly with the responses I’d received over the course of my long and arduous inquiry process. I had my conclusion—Newspaper Club is a sham. Clearly, our highly regarded GHS reporters are untruthful, unfaithful, and merely masquerading as reliable. You heard it here first, everyone, it is absolutely essential to stop reading articles and endorsing this madness. Do not go gentle into that artificially created night! Rage against the dying of originality!