Graphic by Logan Abrahamson

Vanishing phones appear in mole pit

After weeks of civil unrest, a troubling mystery has finally been solved

OPINION | October 2025

BISMARCK, FRIDAY—Two weeks ago, a widespread and seemingly supernatural occurrence affected all Bismarckians. Every single phone, whether it was an iPhone, Android or landline, mysteriously disappeared from homes and pockets.

This caused state-wide turmoil with several speculations spreading on how the “Great Vanishing,” a now commonly-used term to describe the disappearance of the phones, actually happened.

Unsurprisingly, society collapsed during the Great Vanishing.

The “Bismarck Bubble,” a label used to describe a weather phenomenon preventing severe storms from passing over Bismarck, was immediately transformed to refer to the 20-mile radius where phones vanished.

This area became almost completely closed off from communication, and citizens within the Bubble were virtually sent back to the mid-20th century.

Other electronic devices still existed, but people quickly found it difficult to lug around entire computers, and when they finally came to the realization that their handy digital friends were missing for good, all hell broke loose.

On the first night of the Great Vanishing, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Other than a few reports claiming faint scream-ing coming from the neighborhoods surrounding some middle schools, all else was perfectly fine. It was the next morning when the chaos ensued.

From 5:00-8:00 AM, many rose sleepily from their beds and reached out arms for phones. When they felt nothing, the cerebral parts of their brains malfunctioned, slipping them into paralytic states, making them aimlessly wander the streets of Bismarck.

Those who were not sleepwalking decided to take advantage of the situation, which caused a strange and immediate rise in theft among unusual items, including 50 pounds of colby jack stolen by the cheese man.

Even street signs were taken in the heat of the situation. An anonymous bystander claimed he “saw an elementary schooler climb a traffic light” and “use a drill to dismantle the lights and replace them with hand-drawn sketches of dinosaurs.”

Interview with Bert Inuana

A few days into the Great Vanishing, Bert Inuana and his dachshund, stumbled on an enormous phone-filled pit.

“I was just walkin’ this ol’ dog here when, all of a sudden, he started sniffin’ the air, and I was like, ‘Jangus, what the heck are ya doin'?’ Then he started goin’ all crazy, and I said, ‘Jangus, you best take me to what you’re sniffin’ ‘cause I ain’t never seen you be this funny since I fished you

out of that crack in my porch.’

“All of a sudden, we came upon this funny lookin’ pit, and I said, ‘Well, would you look at that? That’s one heck of a pit!’ And I was damn right. That pit must’ve been at least 100 feet by 100 feet, and it was full of phones. I saw rotary phones Granny Prune-Shoot used in that pit!

“Then this hairy gray man came out of the pit and started attackin’ me and my Jangus, of which I obviously countered with my perfected 360 degree roundhouse kick, sending that sucker crashin’ back at lightnin’ speed.

“Afterwards, I contacted my main man Derick down at the police station who then contacted his main man Chief Keef at the gov’nor’s office. Before I knew it, there were helicopters left and right pickin’ up the phones in big baskets! I’m not really sure of the rest of it ‘cause Jangus and I both passed out from the scary noises, but I do recall there being a lost n’ found table down at the capitol afterwards,” Inuana said.

A community heals

Today, Bismarck is in the process of recovering, but the scars of the Great Vanishing may never fade. Support is being requested from all Bismarck citizens to assist in replacing stolen property, such as traffic lights and the top half of the DMV.

The Mole Man was charged with 77,000 counts of theft and an additional $9,467,000 in restitution for damaged phones. He is still currently on the loose after a giant hole was discovered in the center of his jail cell. Citizens are ordered to stay on high alert and to keep away from particularly hairy men.