UNDERGROUND TUNNEL RENOVATIONS

Central High tunnels temporarily shut down

OPINION | March 2026

On February 31, Central High School’s Tunnel Operations Manager, Hubert VonTinkle, announced that the school’s state-of-the-art underground tunnel system would undergo upcoming renovations, sparking a wave of student backlash and outrage.

Many students rely heavily on Central’s advanced tunnel system, meaning the renovations are expected to disrupt daily routines and create unnecessary hassle for an estimated 85 percent of all students, including some who do not even attend Central.

“I remember when these tunnels were just dirt,” said VonTinkle, who has reportedly worked beneath the school since “before lockers were invented.” He added, “Back when I first installed them, the students were ecstatic; they even threw a party! Nowadays, they don’t appreciate them. They barely even glance up at me when I give them a wave.”

Not all students agree with the need for change. “I think the renovations are completely unnecessary,” said junior Anita Cea. “I’ve been here for three years, and never once have I heard about someone thinking the tunnels needed a revamp.”

Others, however, welcome the updates. “Finally! That place gives me the heebie-jeebies! Hopefully, they make it look like it’s not the catacombs,” said senior John “Johnny” Johnson.

“RUAHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHH,” added Frankenstein’s Monster, a graduate of Central.

According to VonTinkle, the renovations are expected to be completed by June 2027 if all goes according to plan. However, when asked for confirmation, Principal Fred Dewey seemed unaware of the entire situation, responding, “Tunnels? What the heck are you talking about?”

VonTinkle outlined ambitious renovation plans: “We’re planning on painting everything green. Walls? Green. Ceilings? Green. Floors? Green. And other than painting, we’re working on making it have electricity, and adding lighting, hopefully, if we can figure it out. We’re also adding a new ballroom. It’s gonna be for all of our multitude of dances we have per year,” he said, even demonstrating a few dance moves.

Despite these claims, official plans published online suggest a different direction. According to those documents, parts of the tunnels will be made smaller, and the historic East Wing will be removed due to budget constraints, with funds being redirected toward sports teams.

Reactions to this decision have been mixed. “Those tunnels have really made me mad,” said Coach Triumph of the tap-dance team. “Knowing that so many people have gone through those halls, all those historical things from when Central was first built just makes me so unbelievably mad. I’m just so glad that they’re getting removed, I mean, revamped, for the beautiful ballroom,” Triumph added with a laugh.

In response, the Central Tunnel Club, an organization dedicated to hosting events within the tunnels, has launched a fundraising effort to preserve the tunnels’ legacy. Their goal is to raise at least $40,000 through a bake sale to fund a commemorative plaque and a gold sculpture of VonTinkle honoring the historic East Tunnels.

“Please, come out and help us. We need money for good reasons. Please. We’ll have really good brownies. Just try them!” urged Anita Cea.

Club advisor John Von Blonde echoed the plea with urgency: “We will not have a tunnel club if we don’t get paid, I mean, donated to! Please, please, please! Donate to us! We’ll be having our bake sale on a secret day, but real tunnel fans will know. Remember, our tunnels are historic. And our Tunnel Club brings us lots of money. So attend!”