Topic of the Month - February

February

Topic of the Month

Anger Management for Parents - The RETHINK Method

Anger is a universal emotion. As parents, it is important to remember that the way in which we handle our own anger is very likely to be observed and repeated by our children. With that in mind, let’s look at a research-based model for managing anger constructively – which, ultimately, will teach our children better ways of dealing with their own anger.

RETHINK

R Do you RECOGNIZE when you are angry?

It is important to recognize when anger is a cover-up for other feelings such as fear, shame, stress, fatigue, or embarrassment. You can teach your child to recognize his/her feelings of anger by asking targeted questions:

• What are you thinking about when you are angry?

• Who is angry? You or the other person?

• What do you think is the cause of your anger?

• What is the cause of the other person’s anger?

E Can you EMPATHIZE and see the point-of-view of the person who is making you angry? Teach your child to step back when overwhelmed by anger and make an effort to empathize by stepping into the other person’s shoes. Learn to use “I” messages to express feelings: “I feel angry when. . . I am hurt that . . . “

• If you were in the other person’s shoes, how would you feel?

• Can you think of a few reasons the person might have done what he/she did?

T Do you know what you THINK about when you are angry? Often, our anger comes from the way we look at things. Can you think about the situation in a different way? Can you find some humor in it? What can you tell yourself to change the way you feel?

• What are the exact words you are saying to yourself? • What else could you tell yourself that would not magnify your feelings of anger?

• Can you find one or two funny things about your situation?

H Do you really HEAR where the other person is coming from?

Hear what the other person is saying . . . interpret the feelings as well as the words. Look him/her in the eye. Repeat what you are hearing to make sure you understand correctly. Teach your child to actively listen, to try to understand the feelings being communicated as well as the content.

• What is the other person worried about?

• Can you let the person know that you understand what he/she is saying by both your words and your body language?

• Can you tell him/her in words that you know he/she is angry, upset, hurt, scared, etc.? I Do you know how to INTEGRATE expressions of your anger with expressions of respect? Let your child know that angry feelings do not break the bonds of love and respect. Even if he/she begins expressing anger in ways that seem harsh, let him/her talk it out for a while. Later, you can teach more respectful ways to express anger.

• How can a person get their feelings out without upsetting another person? • How does the tone of voice affect a conversation?

• How does a gentle touch on the shoulder or hand affect a conversation – even one about angry feelings?

• Can you say, “I’m angry at you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. We have a problem to solve.”

N Do you know what your body feels like, what to NOTICE about your body when you are angry? Notice that when you get angry you may have increased heart rate, changes in breathing, headache, upset stomach, and tension in your muscles. Also, notice what helps you calm down. Talk about what calms you down – deep breathing, taking a walk, exercising, etc. This will help your child learn how to calm himself/herself.

• What is your heart doing when you are angry?

• Do you know how to relax your body? What types of exercise make you feel better?

• Do you know that it is okay to walk away when someone else is losing control? (It takes two to have an argument.)

K Do you know how to KEEP the conversation in the present? Focus on the present problem. Don’t bring up old issues. Also, help your child focus on the action that is causing the problem. Talk about the problem (not the person) and the possible solutions

. • Do you know how to forgive and “move on”?

• Do you know what it means to “pick your battles carefully”?

• Do you know how to control yourself so you don’t bring up past hurts and problems?

These skills simply provide a framework for managing anger and solving problems. As we ask ourselves these questions and think about the answers, we often find that our ability to RETHINK the situation is much stronger than our anger!