January
Topic of the Month
Seven Strategies for Communicating with Children
What can we do to improve communication—specifically, with our children? Yes, communication is so very complicated and multi-faceted. The messages we communicate involve much more than just what we say to our children. In fact, every single message we send involves three channels: 1) words, 2) tone, and 3) body language (i.e., hand gestures, proximity, and facial expressions). When all three channels carry the same message, the communication is clear and powerful. The following strategies can help us build a set of foundational skills that model respect, encourage cooperation and support our children in solving problems.
1. Listen actively. In other words, give full attention when your child is expressing himself/herself. Keep your own talk to a minimum and acknowledge what you are hearing. Let your child know that you are trying to understand what he/she is communicating and are taking his/her words to heart. You might say something as simple as, “I see,” or “Hmmm,” now and then. Ask questions to clarify what your child is saying if you are uncertain.
2. Listen for feelings. While getting the facts straight is important, it is even more important to listen to what your child is feeling, i.e., his/her perception of the facts. This helps your child acknowledge and accept his/her own feelings. In time, a child who can identify what he/she feels will start to reflect on these feelings before deciding what action to take. Also, when we, as parents, listen for feelings we are modeling empathy and connecting with our child in a way that demonstrates how much we care. The result of listening with empathy is usually an increased willingness on the part of the child to continue sharing.
3. Connect feelings to content. When we have actively listened and have an idea of what our child is feeling, the next step is to reflect those feelings back to him/her. In essence, we become an “emotional mirror,” reflecting what is there. Reflect the child’s feelings and then connect them to what happened – the “content.” By responding in this way, we communicate the most powerful message of all: We genuinely care and want to understand.
4. Be concrete, using terms the child understands. The younger the child, the simpler the language. He/she may need help articulating thoughts and feelings, but keep it simple. The same simplicity applies when we want our child to follow a direction – Express a specific desire with positive expectancy (5 words or less is a good guideline)!
5. Allow for periods of silence in the communication. Expressing oneself can take time to unfold. Children need more time to understand their world than adults. Be patient. Give them the space to openly share with you by practicing silence.
6. Be calm enough to process with your child. Take some deep breaths or wait until you can talk with a neutral, open attitude. This helps our thinking and listening skills as well as the child’s. This “calmness” also communicates to our child that we are open to listen and ready to respond respectfully.
7. If there’s a problem to be resolved, have the child discover the solution whenever possible. When the child considers alternatives and makes a choice of how to possibly solve a problem, he/she is likely to carry it out and internalize the learning. Careful listening to the child will help him/her concentrate and, ultimately, think for himself/herself.
References: Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim Ginott (2003)
Family Communication, by Sven Wahlroos, Ph.D. (1995)
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, by Stephen R. Covey (1997)
Active Parenting, Michael H. Popkin (2002)