Topic of the Month
How to Teach Children Responsibility
Responsibility is the process of making choices and accepting the consequences of those choices. If the consequence is positive, then children have a good model for making a similar choice in the future. If the consequence is negative, then they know better how to choose next time and avoid the same consequences. Either way, they learn and grow.
The following are ways to teach responsibility:
1. Help your child develop a sense of power. A child must have the opportunity to make choices and decisions, to exercise his/her competences, and to perform tasks consistent with his/her abilities. Opportunities for children to express the skills they have must be created. For example, helping with chores around the house allows children to demonstrate that they are capable. As they grow and develop, they need continually expanding opportunities to demonstrate and use their skills.
2. Help your child make decisions.
- Help children clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision.
-Help children search for alternative solutions.
-Help children select one of the alternatives by evaluating the consequences.
-Help children evaluate the effectiveness of their decisions through feedback and discussion.
Adults do not enhance children’s decision-making abilities by requiring that every decision be a "good" one, but rather by ensuring that they are aware of the fact they have made a decision. Suffering negative consequences can motivate children to make better choices in future decisions.
3. Set rules and limits.
Children who grow up in a home that does not have clear boundaries and expectations for behavior will experience great anxiety and confusion. If children are anxious and confused, it is difficult for them to have the self-discipline required to manage their own behavior. They are more likely to misbehave and will have problems following directions and fulfilling responsibilities. The parenting goal is to establish rules in an adequate manner, clarify what is expected, establish appropriate consequences and follow through consistently.
4. Use chores and duties to build responsibility.
Giving a child important jobs at home (and at school) serves to establish a firm foundation of self-worth, i.e., feelings of "I am capable." A child who feels needed understands that he or she has an important role in the family. When you see your child working hard describe exactly what your child is doing and reinforce/reward with words, hugs, smiles and other social cues. Paying attention to your child’s good behavior, i.e., working hard, is a great way to reinforce the behavior and increase the likelihood that the behavior will occur in the future.
5. Use consequences to teach.
Remember, discipline is teaching. Children learn responsibility when they are given two things: 1) Choice: the opportunity to make a decision from the choices we give; and, 2) Consequences: the opportunity to experience the logical results of their choice of behavior. Natural consequences are the results that occur from a child’s behavior without the parent doing anything. For example, the natural consequence of leaving your bike outside may be that it gets rusty or that it is stolen. Natural consequences are particularly effective teachers because the parent can be an empathetic third party and allow the child to realize the consequences of his/her behavior. Of course, to be effective we have to avoid the temptations to: 1) rescue (buy a new bike); and 2) say, "I told you so." (It is much better to say, "I know that’s frustrating," rather than "I told you this would happen if you didn’t put that bike away!" If natural consequences are not feasible, i.e., if the situation is dangerous or the behavior affects others rather than the child, then logical consequences are often effective. Logical consequences are imposed by the parent to teach what logically follows misbehavior or violating a rule. Logical consequences should be: 1) related to the misbehavior, 2) reasonable, and 3) respectfully given. For example, if John continues to forget bringing his dirty dishes into the kitchen after snacking in the den, he loses the privilege of taking food out of the kitchen. In essence, you are allowing the child to learn from his/her behavior and make a better choice next time!
References: Active Parenting, by Michael Popkin
Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon
Discipline without Tears, by Rudolf Dreikurs