pirate ad from Craigslist

from post at www.invertedsoapbox.com , by Chris Giganti


Seeking three-eye pirate girl to shiver me timbers

Semi-professional buccaneer looking for pirate girl with eye patch and glasses for adventures including, but not limited to, commandeering ships, burying and subsequently digging up treasure, drinking, and other general swashbuckling. 

OK, listen, folks, it's not some kinky thing. I'm just into somewhat bookish hipster girls in glasses, what can I say? Everybody's got a type. You think the fact that I'm a pirate somehow alters my capacity for attraction? Well, it doesn't. 

I mean, I'm not desperate. I'm not just going to chase every girl in a corset who passes by on the street. Besides, that kind of mentality is liable to get you locked in a birdcage in Chelsea or some weird shit like that. No, I want someone respectable and nice, but with an edge. I mean, you can't go around ransacking folks if you're just some shrinking violet, can you? And, also, someone who appreciates Errol Flynn would be nice, too. Fuck Johnny Depp. Flynn was a real pirate.

Other than that, we won't know if there's a real connection until we meet, will we?

And, no, I don't have scurvy. That's just disgusting. Why would you think that? Pervert. 

Disclaimer #1: I don't actually have a ship at the moment. I'm working on that. There are some financing deals I've got on the burner, and, after all, it is a buyer's market. This should be settled soon, though if you happen to have any financial connections, those would be welcomed. 

Disclaimer #2: I live with my mother. Now, listen, before you jump to any conclusions, she's a nice woman. You'll like her. Can I help it that I got laid off from my second job? These are hard economic times, and you try getting by in New York, <i>as a frickin' pirate,</i> on an unemployment check. It's not easy, you know. Besides, she's a great cook. 

So if any of you pirate ladies out there have any interest in, you know, grabbing a drink or something sometime, well, let me know. 


Capt. Templeton August Rutledge III, aka 'Harrier of the Hudson'

PS Those involved, however loosely, in any ninja or ninja-related activities need not respond.

PPS Below is Barney, the captain's assistant.