Civilian Resume


  • PhD, Management, University of Oklahoma
  • MA, Human Resources/Labor Relations, University of Iowa
  • MBA, Western Illinois University
  • BB, Operations Management, Western Illinois University
  • DSFC (Doctor of Smooth, Frosty, & Cool), Radio & Television Announcing, Columbia School of Broadcasting

Honors & Awards

  • Director of Pastry Acquisition, President's Task Force Exploring the Possibility of Removing the "9/10ths" from Gas Prices
  • Grand Marshall, Swiss Mennonite-Catholic Convert Pride Parade
  • Vatican Poster Child for Natural Family Planning
  • Bronze medalist, Pan-American Urban-Driver Games, the ATM-open-car-door-open-window-stretched-out-belly-balance event
  • Selected as number 74 and 16 (respectively) in both Bush Administrations' Top 100 Soldiers Not To Send Into A Combat Zone
  • Never selected to stand behind a campaigning politician and pretend to be enthusiastic about whatever the heck it's talking about
  • Nominee for Who's Who Among American Utilities Customers
  • Honorary Doctorate of Consumer Logistics for work in tracking shopping-cart migration and abandonment patterns in retail supercenter parking lots, Sam Walton University