Home‎ > ‎September 2015‎ > ‎

World News




Presidential candidates with wild ideas.

By Cooper Kimball-Rhines

Many presidents have tried various border control solutions in the past, but none of them have been met with general approval. This past year, we have seen many presidential candidates enter their bid, and with them the contest for craziest border control solution of all time began.

The most prominent and controversial idea so far is Donald Trump’s. The billionaire-investor-turned-politician suggested that a wall be built across the entire Mexican border. He also proposed that Mexico pay for this wall, and that there be a beautiful gate built in it for people who want to come to the country legally.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was next to make a move in the game. His idea was that we forget about Mexico for a moment and instead face the real issue: Canada. We’re all very much aware that Canadians and their rotten attitudes are ruining America. Governor Walker’s proposed solution is to build a wall across Canada’s 5,500 mile border. Governor Walker has not yet disclosed how he plans on paying for this eighteen billion dollar Great Wall of Canada, but I’m excited to see how he plans on attaining the necessary funding. I have no doubt that, since he’s such an expert on foreign policy, he’ll ask Greece for help with his financial planning.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was inspired by his fellow Republican candidates to tackle another border control related issue: illegal immigration. Christie’s great idea was to track illegal immigrants like FedEx tracks its packages. He asked the CEO of FedEx to design such a tracking method, to which the CEO responded with words too vulgar for publication in this journal. Governor Christie insists that he is not attempting to dehumanize immigrants, but people are concerned with the parallels being drawn between this idea and methods that a man by the name of Adolph used during the Second World War.

Over the next year, I’m certain that we’ll see many more presidential candidates enter this border control game with even crazier ideas than those above. I’m also sure that none of these presidential candidates will be satisfied with the situation until we blast holes along all U.S. borders and effectively make ourselves the greatest island nation in the world. At least we’ll all have the image of Chris Christie attempting to swim the Mexican-U.S. channel to look forward to.




Trying to make sense of the top five most ridiculous recent news stories.

by Simon Doneski

Number 5: “Houston teenager fatally shoots himself while taking a selfie with a gun.” Only in Texas would something like this happen. Scratch that: this has happened many times before, according to other reports I found. If you’re going to take a selfie with a gun, at least check to see if the gun’s loaded. This is such a problem that the Russian government actually started producing and giving out leaflets to their citizens about safe selfie-taking. I feel like Russia has a few bigger problems to worry about, like, I don’t know, the fact that they have one of the highest homicide rates in the world and a crumbling economy. But good on you, Putin. Tackle the issues that really matter.

Number 4: There’s a new fashion trend going around in Asia, and it's a weird one. It appears that there’s one thing we’ve been overlooking that would perfect our wardrobes: plastic bags. The fad, which is especially huge in Taiwan, is wearing nothing but a plastic bag, formerly used for carrying groceries. Most of these bag enthusiasts cite the store 7/11 as the best place to pick up the perfect bag. You read it in The Talon first, folks, plastic bags are the new trend, so head on down to your local 7/11 while they still have them in stock.

Number 3: “Man shot over bag of potato chips.” For this story, we turn to the crown jewel of America, our pride and joy: Detroit, where a man has been hospitalized after being shot in the groin over a bag of potato chips. This unnamed, presumably simple fellow was walking down the sidewalk when a gunman approached him, demanding the bag of potato chips he was carrying. The man refused, so the gunman shot him in the groin and ran off with the chips. I never thought I’d live in a society where nothing I’m carrying--not even my humble bag of Lays--is safe. What’s even scarier is that this criminal is still on the loose, and sources close to The Talon are informing us that he’s headed toward New England. Alert your friends and relatives: it’s no longer safe to leave your snack cabinet unlocked.

Number 2: “North to South Korea: ‘Turn down Kpop or we will burn Seoul’”

A new conflict recently erupted along the border of North and South Korea, but this time, the fighting isn’t over human rights or military conflict; it’s about Kpop, the sub-genre of electronic music that most of us hate. South Korea has been playing an endless slew of music, and the North Koreans have had enough of it, threatening to burn their enemy’s capital city, Seoul, if they did not turn the music down. This isn't the first time that conflicts like this have happened, though. The South Koreans have also flown balloons over the border with things like copies of The Interview, religious texts, anti-North Korean propaganda, and many other things designed to aggravate the North Korean government. The North Koreans have even gone as far as shooting down some balloons with anti-aircraft guns. The same thing happened when South Korea put up a giant Christmas tree a few years ago but due to a large amount of threats took it down. I wonder how much more it will take for the North Koreans to follow through with their threats. After all, they’ve never lied about what they are going to do before, so why should we start doubting them now?

Number 1: Many video games can be artistic masterpieces. Slave Tetris, however, is not one of them. This new game, directed at middle and elementary school kids, is a part of the educational program Playing History. The gamer’s role is a slave trader who must transport 300 slaves to America in order to win. One part of the game, in which the trader must pack their slaves into a ship coming from the Ivory Coast based on the color of their loin cloths, is where the “Tetris” part of the title comes from. In whose mind is any of this okay?

Well, that's all the time I have. The authorities must take me back to my cell now. I'll see you all next month. My name’s Joseph Stalin, and I approve this message.