It Was Me


Let me begin by explaining that I was the one who was in adultery. My worldly ways, selfishness, pride and greed made me believe that my marriage should be a certain way. I was hugely influenced by the world, what I read and watch. And I believed we had “issues” in our marriage because it was not how I “thought” it should be. So I filled that void and emptiness in my life and marriage with material and worthless things I thought would make me happy. And when it was not enough, I deluded myself to thinking that friendship with a man is just that, friendship and nothing more. I justified my actions— thinking I was not doing anything wrong. Thinking it could not happen to me, that I knew better. But it was all pride. It CAN happen to anyone. "Therefore let anyone who thinks he stands [who feels sure that he has a steadfast mind and is standing firm], take heed lest he fall [into sin]. 1 Corinthians 10:12


It wasn’t until I began my RJ and I learned in my lessons that we didn’t really have any “issues.” It was just me who didn’t know how to be the godly wife He created me to be. I was contentious, stubborn and childish. I didn’t listen to my EH, wanting to get my way most of the time, if not always. I thought it was okay to challenge him, thinking it’s only fair for my “voice” to be heard. I wanted a perfect marriage but I was not willing to change! My pride thought I was not the one who needed changing when in truth, I had a lot of growing up to do.


So I was the one who foolishly brought up divorce thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I was so selfish; everything I did was to have some semblance of control because my life and marriage was falling apart. That’s when I made the decision to quit my job and move in with my sister. When I realized all my foolishness, I begged and begged my EH to take me back, to give us another chance again. But my EH, who has always loved me and has been there for me through everything, didn't want to be with me anymore. So I had to leave our home for good.


All this time, I turned to family and friends for comfort and help. When I moved in with my sister, and searched the Internet for marriage help. I bought books to read on how to save my marriage. I even bought a psychology packet online that guaranteed to restore my marriage if I did what it said!! I was desperate. It never occur to me to ask the Lord for help.


Even though, I grew up going to church, I didn't really know Him, who He really is. And when I got married, I forgot the Lord in my life completely, thinking I didn’t need Him. So when my marriage fell, I sought and was given different advices: worldly and some pointing me to the Lord. But I didn't know what to do, how to approach or open up to Him.


I shared in my BIO that I first found the stander's ministry where I learned that restoration is possible. For a time, I followed what they taught and I learned what scriptures to pray to get him back. But this wasn't enough... I wanted more, but I didn't know what. I didn't know that what was missing was my personal relationship with the Lord. It wasn't enough to recite scriptures, instead, I was longing for that intimacy of knowing whom I was praying to, to really know Him and for Him to know me.


The Lord in His mercy led me to RYM. And How God can and will Restore your Marriage book really opened my eyes to understanding my situation, the ungodly wife I was and who I could be in Him. It gave me hope. Real concrete hope. And it said no matter your situation. Even if I was the one who was in adultery.


Though I didn’t know what was going to happen or how the Lord would do the impossible, for the first time, I felt different! And I was ready to see where this truth would lead me! :)


Let me also explain that due to my adultery, I had so much guilt with me when I started my RJ. And with guilt, came fear. Fear of the what-ifs, fear of what I couldn't control. Even though I told my EH about the OM, I have not yet confessed that we had been intimate. I was afraid that if I confess, there was no way we would ever be restored. So for a time, I let my ears be tickled, thinking it’s enough that I confessed to the Lord.


Yet, going through my courses really helped me to get to know the Lord and His Truths. That He is a loving Husband whose love never changes no matter what you did, have done or will do and Who wants the best for you. So the more I sought Him, the more He strengthened my faith and trust in Him, giving me the strength to confess everything to my EH. I will always remember the verse that convicted me: "He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion." Proverb 28:13. It was one of the most important times I learned about letting go and trusting the Lord for the outcome, whatever it may be. And His Word is true. Instead of what I’d feared, I found compassion when I least expected it!! I found forgiveness. I was finally free, no longer carrying the guilt with me. Free to pursue Him even more and apply His truths in my life. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrew 12:1 I no longer had anything to hide. I felt cleansed, I felt so light. It taught me of His love and forgiveness that enabled me to show the same forgiveness and love to my EH when he confessed to me his unfaithfulness and for my friend who became his OW for a time.


It was not just my marriage situation that He changed. He dealt with me about my selfishness, greed, childishness and contentiousness so I can be the godly wife He created me to be. He has been and still is changing and molding me into the Bride He wants me to be for Him. He replaced my fears with His blessed assurance that everything will be okay because He is with me always. From the broken and desperate woman I used to be, He healed me and made me whole again. I was no longer desperate to beg my EH over and over or run after him. He gave me the faith to believe that in His perfect time, He would restore. I knew I just had to walk this journey with Him and watch as He brings to all His promises to pass His and find His will for my life.


I learned that I do not have to be afraid. He freed me my fears that held me back from living the life He wanted for me. Where I used to worry so much, He changed the way I used to think that now, I am able to have His peace in situations that would have made me anxious with worry, able to trust that He is in control. He has done a miracle in my life I never thought would happen in my lifetime—my Beloved restored my hearing!! Glory to God!!


Everyday is a reminder for me of His amazing grace as I hear every new sound and learn to appreciate this incredible blessing from Him. He is restoring other areas in my life as I learn to apply His truths. And I know He has only just begun!! I can't even begin to describe everything our precious Lord has done for me since my RJ started. I am in awe as I look back to the year and a half that together we walked this narrow path. He deserves all the glory, honor and praise due His mighty name!! It has truly been a life-changing journey and it doesn’t end here!!


As I sought Him, He softened the heart of my EH to continue to provide for me. Through my EH and family, I never lacked for anything. He supplied ALL my needs once I learned to tithe to my storehouse, here at RMI.


By looking to the Lord instead of standing in my EH's way, we continued to get along and to care for each other. My relationship with my EH is such that we were able to talk about us, our situation, openly and still maintain our friendship even if things that hurt were said, things that made it clear our marriage was  hopeless. I confess that often, this situation caused me to take my eyes off my Lord and brought me heartache. But in His mercy, He is always using this for good. I remember the times I really cried out to Him for deliverance and help in letting go.


Seeking Him with all my heart and mind, with all that I am and He changed things in an instant! Just as how He restored my marriage.


During my Restoration Journey, I learned about His everlasting love. One of the many life-changing truths I learned is His love for all of us. No one, NO ONE could ever love us as much as He does. And nothing can ever separate me from His love. No matter how many times I messed up, or how badly I did or will in the future, His love never changes. He will always be there to love me, accept me and hold my hand. Knowing the truth of how high and wide and deep and long is His love for us really helped me to open up my heart and let Him in. That He longs to know me too… it drew me to Him. It gave me that courage to not be afraid. He knows all my weakness, my sins, everything about me and He loves me just as I am.


Putting the Lord FIRST in my life and heart, for so long, was something I didn't know just how to do it. My flesh was weak and even then, my heart was not willing. I learned to keep asking and praying to Him to help me let go of my EH and restoration. The process of letting go was one I continually have to learn throughout my RJ and especially now that I am restored. Because it was in letting go that allowed me to get to know who the Lord really is and how I will make it through the toughest times, being restored. By letting go of everything to run after the Lord, it blessed me with this amazing opportunity to know Him as my Beloved and have the intimate relationship I am now blessed to have with Him, which can never change or I will go backwards. It is worth every tear, every pain because knowing Him in this way gave me this anchor... this stronghold in my life, this knowledge that whatever happens, I will be okay because He loves me and I am His.


He is with me ALWAYS. He was the One holding my hand, giving me my strength, has been my stronghold in everything I faced. I didn’t have to carry my burdens because I could cast my cares on Him because He cares for me. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten where I am now without Him. Knowing in my heart that He is always with me is so incredible. I am so blessed to experience His peace that surpasses all understanding that carried me through every refining fire. It is so humbling to look back now and see how far He taken me in our journey. It is all Him. Not anything I ever did. He carried me. He held my hand. Wow… I love You my Lord. Thank You. Thank You so much. I thank and praise you with all that I am.


Another thing I learned was about keeping quiet, having a gentle and quiet spirit and agreeing with my adversary quickly. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I was so used to explaining and defending my side but by His grace and strength I am learning to die to myself. I learned that in the end, it doesn't really matter if I was able to say what I want because the Lord looks inside our hearts. Knowing that He knows the truth and that in His perfect time, His glory will be revealed made it easier for me to agree and let things go.


And who better to defend me than Him? He has shown me time and again that He is in control. No matter how hopeless a situation seems. No matter what is going on around me. And when our hearts condemns us, God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything. He has a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. That no matter what plans we make, it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. I really had to learn this truth in my heart and not lean on my own understanding. To be still and know that He is God and He will fight all my battles for me.


I used to be so materialistic, selfish and greedy. I treasured what was worthless and took for granted so many things. This journey opened my eyes to what is really important in life and showed me that everything I have is from Him. It is teaching me contentment. Learning to be content with what I have, where I am and in my situation, to give thanks always in everything. For every good and perfect gift is from above. And how amazing it is that He wants us, His brides, to have the best!! I am blessed to witness so many times how He gave me so much more that I could ever have imagined and requested in my wildest dreams!!


Along with my restoration, I am moving to the new house the Lord has blessed us with. When my EH bought the house, I agreed to sign the papers my EH asked me to, which stated I had no ownership of the house. Nevertheless, He covered me with His grace to accept it graciously, trusting that if this is the house He wants for our family, nothing could stop His plans. Never in all my life did I dare hope to live in such a house as we have. Only the Lord!! I am so grateful I know now that it's from Him and I pray to be able to rebuild our life and marriage on His rock, in His house. Thank You for getting me ready for this test that you helped me pass.


I also learned principle of tithing!! As I said before I can't stress enough that tithing to your storehouse FIRST is so important. I never had to worry about the enemy stealing from me because not only does He promises to rebuke the devourer, but His blessings will overflow in your life!! And wow it did and continues to be in my life!! HE is faithful!! Test Him in this because you won’t know what the enemy has stolen from you: your restoration, a new house?


One principle that was also important for me was confessing my sins especially my adultery to my EH. I don't think I would be where I am if I never confessed or trusted in the Lord enough to believe in His promises. The enemy used my unconfessed sin to constantly bring me down and rob me of His peace. I am so thankful for my RJ who helped me to know the Lord to the point of being able to trust Him to this extent. He gave me the courage to confess. It was all the Lord. Without Him, I could never have done it.


It’s true, we reap what we sow. Early on in my RJ, I had no intention of becoming a minister. All I wanted was for my marriage to be restored. But the Lord in His goodness had other plans, knowing what was best for me. He changed my heart to a heart that wants to help other women. He opened doors for me to volunteer in this ministry. I will always be grateful to the Lord for leading me to RMI. It changed my life in ways I never could have imagined. Being here was one of the things I loved most about my RJ. Thank You my Beloved!!


Late in my RJ, one of the most difficult times was when I had to really keep my mouth closed and agree with the hurtful things that were said when mocked for the choices I made to walk this narrow path. It intensified to the point I could only beg the Lord to release me, to flee to another place or if not, to give me the grace and strength to endure. As a result of this persecution, I found myself learning what it’s like to really be content and accept His will to be done in my life. I remember clearly that day He changed things in an instant, when I laid down my will and was ready to accept and endure what is to come. That same day He heard my prayers and made plans for me to move to a different place to live, without me telling anyone anything!! He orchestrated it all. He is faithful!! My moving allowed me more time to commit to my ministry work and keep my eyes on the Lord. And I loved it!! My life revolved around Him and my work, that often I would get surprised when I hear from my EH because he would be the last thing on my mind!! It's been one of the most rewarding experiences I have had and I'm so grateful for it.


Two months after I moved out of a bad living situation, my EH has asked me to let go of my ministry work. I physically felt my heart ache. I love RMI so much, the Encouraging Women I was blessed to work with and who have become a part of my life, all that RMI does through and for the Lord. I don’t know where I would be if it we’re not for the Lord leading me to this ministry that changed my life. I honestly believed that I went through the worst already, but no. Letting go of RMI was the hardest yet the hardest I ever had to do in my RJ. It tested everything in me to submit and obey to my EH. Even though it broke my heart, my Beloved was ever with me, giving me His strength and peace as I trust in what He has planned for me. My last day with RMI was the end of June. And of course RMI encouraged me to submit, to trust His plan, even though my leaving would cause additional work for everyone.


And I truly believe that the turning point was after I submitted to my EH as unto the Lord in letting go of my ministry work, even though I didn’t understand it then.


I shared above that my EH and I would openly talk about our situation. It would start with light friendly conversation before we move on to serious things. It happened a few times in the 1 ½ year we have been separated and I never instigated it. I didn’t push or begged him. I know from our conversations in the past that NOTHING I say will change his mind and that for me to push or beg would make it worse. Understanding it was NOT yet His appointed time. This was an area of weakness the Lord continued to deal with in me. Even though I knew the outcome, I would go there. Even if I already knew his answers, the stubbornness in me would still ask. But ONLY the Lord was able to turn his heart, in His perfect time. ONLY the Lord. Not me. Not anyone. So I know I should not have been asking my EH. Please forgive me Lord. I thank You Lord so much even in my weakness, my foolishness, He always turned it for good because these situations that left me hurting (because I foolishly asked questions) caused me to always make me run to Him and seek His heart even more.


At this point in my RJ, I was content to wait on the Lord. I’d let to of RMI and my ministry work, allowing me to fully run after Him, wanting Him to be first in my life and heart. A week before my last day with RMI, my EH and I talked about us again, with the same result as before. Afterwards, I cried to the Lord. I begged Him to help me let go completely. I begged Him to help me forget my EH, something I never even prayed before. I wanted nothing more to do with my restoration. I wanted to be done and I just wanted move on. At that moment I felt every part of me ready and wanting to forget my EH and move on.


Just as RMI says, once you really don’t want restoration, when you beg Him to help you let go of everything and move on to be with Him, that’s when it happens.


It happened the very next day, my EH asked me what I never imagined he would, not after our conversation the night before, before I finally let go. My EH was asking me to go with him to his family reunion!! Only the Lord!! He changed things in an instant!! The instant I was willing and able to finally let go of everything!!


My EH flew me on the last day of June, right when my last day with RMI was supposed to be!! I am in awe of the timing of it all!! I hadn’t seen my EH for a year and this trip truly was a test for me in many ways. Applying everything I learned in my RJ and if I hadn’t learned it the results would never have turned out as it did. The Lord helped me to see the areas He still needed to work in me and what I focused on when it was over. The Lord is so good!! He covered my nakedness when I was worried about how his family would accept me. But because of His great love for us, wow, I had the best time with his family, filled with acceptance and love they showered on both of us. It brings me to tears as I remember His goodness and amazing grace… Only my Beloved!! I had the most amazing time!! I only have praises for my Beloved as this trip also answered so many of my prayers I have prayed throughout my RJ. It didn’t matter if we were not restored then, I had the best time on this trip and I was simply thankful and just as excited for what He had in store moving forward!


How my restoration finally happened was by me going on a family reunion trip with my EH, I didn’t know what to expect. I felt it was a chance for my EH to see the changes the Lord has been doing in me. Being together again gave us a glimpse on how it would be like being with each other again. We both had a great time while staying in the house my EH bought, we were able to joke and laugh about moving in together. But the question was left hanging if I should find a job there and move in with him. So when I asked EH about it, he asked for a few days to process it all, which was a surprise for me to say the least.


Sadly I confess that after the trip it was even harder for me to let go and be still. My EH went from saying we are done, to rethinking about us again... even if he could not see the point of it all. My EH’s answers were different now; he no longer said we’re “done” anymore. But he needed something more, something to make him want to try again and I knew it wasn’t anything I could ever do or explain-- Only the Lord could change his heart when it was time.


But even with this knowledge, I foolishly “helped” the Lord. A week after the trip, I asked my EH again about the job situation, should I find a job where he lived. I let my flesh take over and pushed, asking my EH if he would be willing for us to move in together. He emphatically said, “No. If I was I would have suggested it.” Once again, that pain of rejection was a reminder for me to let go. But it was different this time, I hurt more from the fact that I proved I couldn’t let go. After that, I expected not to hear from my EH for a while.


I want so much to get to that place where the Lord is who I wanted more that anything. I wanted to be able to run after the Lord and for Him to become my everything. For the first time, I cried to the Lord for mercy. On my knees, I cried for Him to have mercy on me and help me forget my EH, forget the trip we went on, forget the house I saw, forget any thoughts of what could be. I just wanted Him to be my all in all. I begged Him to help me forget about restoration entirely for the first time, and just to help me move on to what He had in store for the two of us, with just the Lord and me, alone.


That day I prayed for His grace and strength to help me do this. I know I could never do it on my own. And I determined not to contact EH or answer his texts anymore, so I deleted his contact information from my phone. I kept going, I applied for jobs where I lived, determined to make a life for myself and move on with Him alone. I spent all morning the next day crying to Him, asking for forgiveness and mercy for never having let go fully. Writing to Him everything I felt and pouring out what was in my heart. That morning was the most difficult time in my RJ. Since my restoration’s begun, I’ve had lots of bad news. I’ve gone through some horrible rejection and even learning about an OW being a close friend. But I had never felt hopeless. But I did this time. I felt the hopelessness, not by my situation but because of myself. I was tired of my weaknesses in holding on and I didn’t know how I could ever let go enough not to stand in His way so He could fulfill His plans for my life. I didn’t know how to let go so I could then pursue Him and only Him. So I kept begging Him to take everything away from me so He could have all of me, laying down my will, begging Him to show me how to love Him with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and will with all my strength… I have never struggled so much as I did that morning.


And then it happened.


As I was talking to a dear sister, who has been holding up my hand like Aaron did for Moses, I was confessing to her of my hopelessness and feelings of wanting to give up on ever being able to move forward with the Lord as I wanted to do, when, I received a text from my EH—a text I never thought I would get, especially not that day, not after what was said the night before. But there it was, he asked me when I was thinking of moving in. He was asking me when I want to move in!!!!


My Lord once again changed things in an instant!! Only the Lord knows what He saw in my heart. Truly, it was the last thing I expected that day. But oh, only Him!!!


My EH left it up to me to pick the day I want to move in and he would buy my plane ticket. So I will finish out this month here and move in on the last day of the month there, with him. After a year and a half of separation, my Beloved is restoring my marriage. What I once thought was impossible proves… Nothing is truly impossible with the Lord. I love You my Lord!! I will sing praise to your name forever!!



There was a part of me that suspected I was close and His answers to my questions also made me sense it may be. Because the trials were getting harder and the events and timing of circumstances that happened made me think about I could be close. But my ways are not His ways, my thoughts not His thoughts, so I assumed I was wrong.


When we would talk about us, we were honest about how we felt, what was really in our hearts and it’s then I could sense my EH was torn. And from what he has opened up to me, he has said that he’d wanted so much to say ‘yes’ to us, but he didn’t see the point. His responses have changed from we are “done” to leaving it up to what the future holds. That’s when I knew then it was in the Lord’s hands, not from what I say or did any more. It was not us, but the Lord who would restore our marriage. I just had to wait for His perfect timing and still as He continues to work and perfect His will and plan in our lives.


For anyone who is interested in changing their lives, which will lead to restoration, I would highly recommend the courses and pouring out your heart in your lesson forms. My courses helped me to open up my heart to Him and taught me His truths in a way that helped me to understand the truths so I could rebuild my life on His rock. The How God can and will Restore your Marriage book, By the Word of Their Testimony , Daily Devotionalsall their books and videos, I recommend!! I also recommend the Daily Encourager. Reading how the Lord is moving in each of our lives always encouraged me in my own journey.


When you have SG and are at the place in your RJ to let go of your need for church, and become His bride, I hope you will join Restoration Fellowship that will fill you with more of the Lord’s amazing grace and love as you learn more about Him.


Would I be interested in helping encourage other women? Absolutely!!! Yes my Lord!! I’m hoping to return to ministering with RMI again, someday.


Dear Brides,


When my marriage fell apart, I never imagined it was the Lord trying to get my attention. I must admit this was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. The trials were heartbreaking and difficult. But these trials and the trials that will come in your life are being used to refine us, to mold and shape us to be the godly wife He created us to be, so when He restores our marriage, we are ready for it, ready to rebuild our marriage to one that will last, because it is founded on His Rock and He will be eternally glorified. Learn it now, because the tests get harder, if not, you won’t make it.


I can honestly say now that I would not a change thing. I am so blessed to have come out so much better after all this. And YOU WILL too. I found answers I have been looking for, answers I didn’t even know I needed. This season led me to finding the Lover of my Soul that filled every void in my life, filling me with His joy, His peace, His amazing grace and a Love like no other. It is truly amazing and I cannot wait for you to experience this life-changing journey with the Lord. I am blessed to learn that this is not just a journey to find marriage restoration, but more importantly, a journey of restoration us to our First Love, the best Husband there is! Your life will no longer be that empty void, simply existing but one full of meaning, complete and wanting nothing. All because of Him.


Spend this season in your life getting to know the Lord intimately, looking to Him for everything, making Him FIRST in your life and heart. Let go and run after the Lord. Throughout my RJ, I found time and again that when I truly let go in my heart is when He moved each time on my behalf and changed things in an instant.


Our Beloved looks inside our hearts. Nothing we say will ever change anyone’s mind. Only the Lord can turn the situation around and turn our EH's heart back to us. He is the One who will restore our marriage. Not us. So if you are like me, who struggles with letting go, ask Him to help you, beg for Him to do it in you. Ask Him to show you how because He is faithful!!


Nothing is impossible with the Lord. No heart too hard for Him. No situation too difficult. He can and will restore your marriage in His perfect time. What He did for me, He will do for you too. So enjoy this time of waiting as you seek Him with all your heart. He will become so real to you that your life will never be the same! He loves you, dear Brides. He longs to give you the desires of your hearts. And He will. As you take His hand and walk with Him in this journey, He will show you how wide and long and high and deep His love is for you!! He will do immeasurably more than you can ever imagine!! So trust, believe and wait in hope for the Lord.



~
Joy in Nevada was our very beautiful Tagalog translator, who has experienced freedom after embracing His truths. Even though Joy was deaf when she first arrived, while with us the Lord used her in amazing ways until her husband contacted her to meet him. After letting go of her Marriage Restoration and her church Joy now says “I live a fear-free, worry-free life!” even though she has no idea what her future holds. Then the impossible happened, after 25 Years, she could hear!!

 



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