The day my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore was the second worst day of my life! My husband had told me those same awful words before, five years prior to that day. At that time, through prayer and through God's amazing grace; we were restored after only five months!

However, five years later, to my dismay, my husband told me those awful words once again. I was distraught! I was feeling so low; I didn't even know what to say to God. I couldn't understand why God had done this to me again, why this would happen all over again!

As I humbled myself to the Lord, the Lord slowly began to show my why this HAD to happen. The last time I went through this, very soon, I slowly returned to my old ways—my old sinful ways. Even after I saw the miracle of my marriage restored, the miracle of my husband telling me that he loved me again, I slowly returned to my old habits and behaviors that DID NOT glorify the Lord. 

The Lord made me see that the reasons were all my own. God had to change me once and for all! I felt so convicted, so ashamed, but at the same time I felt great comfort in knowing that God was not leaving me in this horrible pit; He was working in me and allowing me to see why this had to be!

I was searching on the internet for something, and all of a sudden I was on this amazing website, RMI. It was God leading me here! I read all of the materials over and over, and I purchased everything and kept my materials in my briefcase. Whenever I am waiting for a meeting to begin or have some time at work, I read through them, mark them and keep reading them again and again. It reminds me that everything is under God's control and also keeps my busy mind in check.

The site and PR are a great help to me that we have something in common with women traveling the same road. It is hard sometimes to stand alone believing for something that this world deems impossible!

Once I truly let God take my burden from me, things started to change! I did, unfortunately, listen to my friends who are Christians at first, but it was only making things much worse. They told me things that in my heart I knew were not right.

But once I started to surrender everything to the Lord, absolutely everything, I stared to receive the blessed gift of peace. I started to act differently towards my husband. I stopped trying to snoop for details, I stopped trying to show him how strong I was, I stopped trying to be perfect, and I stopped trying to please everyone! God's promises were for me and for my marriage!

What I learned was that God wanted and needed me to love Him with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my soul! I needed to love HIM the most. I finally had to realize that I had always loved my husband more than the Lord. I had to understand that the Lord was more than enough for me, no matter what happened—He was enough for me! Regardless if my husband came home or not (I believed he would), but I had to KNOW in my heart that the LORD alone was enough for me!

It was a truth that I had to learn and KNOW, that He would fill me up and that I would never feel lonely WITH HIM that I would never feel unloved WITH HIM. I had to know it! I remember one day driving in my car and I was feeling very sad that day because earlier that morning I had snooped in my husband's briefcase and had found that he looking into renting an apartment. I was devastated! I was crying and I remember so clearly, the song "More than Enough" was playing on the radio. I remember hearing the Lord say to me, "I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH for you." In that moment I felt so torn! I wanted the Lord, and yet I wanted my husband. Then I envisioned Jesus standing before me holding out His hand to me, and right beside him was my husband holding out his hand to me. I remember that I wanted to choose my husband! I remember feeling so ashamed that I wanted my husband more. I knew in my heart that I loved my husband more that I loved Jesus! How horrible.

Now I can honestly say, it has all changed, but He is Who had to change me. He had to show me that what I used to feel and believe was not right! The Lord wants and needs me to love Him best and the most! He is my all in all now, and I intend to keep it that way until the day I die! There were many terrible trials, so many sleepless nights. I remember distinctly, receiving phone calls telling me of details that ripped my heart out! I remember my husband telling me that I ruined his life, that I destroyed his dreams; that he never really loved me at all. But with each word spoken I felt the Lord whispering in my ear, "Jane, I love you, I love YOU." It was only God's grace and His deep love for me, that I was kept alive. 

There were many times I wanted to die. I remember asking the Lord to take me home—I didn't want to live anymore. I had no children to love, I didn't have a husband who loved me; and I felt so alone! I felt so unworthy of love, but I knew deep down that God was in control. I realized that God was changing me, and that He was really all I could count on! I clung to the Lord, I clung to Him and let Him hold me—it was all that I could do.

As I began to really pray and fast, I began to build strength. I gained a confidence that I hadn't had before. It wasn't a boastful confidence—it was a quiet confidence that God was going to restore my marriage. I knew it would be in His timing and not mine! It was about 8 months into our trial that I began to really "see" the light. I needed to be humbled and reminded that I am not the "fixer" of anything. I needed to be pruned desperately and slowly I was dying to myself. 

What I thought I needed and wanted during this time began to change. I was falling in the love with the Lord and I was realizing for the first time in my life that I truly LOVED the Lord! I knew in my heart that if that choice was offered again (Jesus or my husband), I would run to Jesus with open arms without hesitation! Even though I knew I still loved my husband in a lesser way, I just knew WHOM I would run to!!

The turning point was not just one event, it was several within a small period of time. It was in May, when my husband had come back to our bed. We still were nowhere near restored (I knew that), but this was huge; since he had moved into the guest bedroom in November! It was a major turning point, and I knew it!! He never said he loved me or anything like that, but I knew it was God! I was thankful and full of praise to Him. 

I kept praying and fasting. Things were slowly improving, and then something would happen—and that's when I'd feel like things were going backwards! This went on all summer. But the more I prayed, the more confident I became to know that God was not going to leave me or stop working in us. And most importantly He loved me, the more I started replacing any doubt that came to my mind with praise and scripture, and I became a more peaceful person.

I started to like who I was! Even if I didn't have my husband's love, I knew My Lord loved me! That He would feed my soul and He replaced feelings of loneliness and despair, and it allowed me to feel safe and peaceful and loved.

In September, though I didn't want to go, I went to a Christian convention to hear a wonderful Christian woman speak. I had to go away for the weekend and I was nervous to go away because I wasn't sure what my husband would do when I went away! But when I prayed about it and I felt that He is who wanted me to go to this conference.

So, I went and He really spoke to me at this conference! I will never forget what happened! It was near the end of the conference, and this speaker said, "Who do you have confused with God? Who is it that has hurt you and made you feel that God is not trustworthy or truly worthy of your trust?" I remember crying my eyes out. I realized that in that moment, I wasn't completely trusting God for everything. I hadn't let go of it all because I felt as though God would end up hurting me, just as my husband had!

I remember sitting there at this conference with tears streaming down my face, submitting my life completely to Him and letting God heal my deepest wounds! I really felt in that moment, I changed! I started to really TRUST God. I had loved God and the Lord, and believed Him and His salvation—but I had to trust Him, really trust Him. After all, He had never lied to me or hurt me. So I guess I was just waiting for Him to break promises to me or leave me. When I started to let all of that go, I realized that He NEVER would! He wasn't my husband or any man for that matter, He was God, the Great I AM!! I wasn't dealing with just anyone, IT WAS GOD HIMSELF who gave me His Son, a faithful Husband. I was in awe and felt so much love inside me, I was overwhelmed. 

On the way home from that conference, my husband called me on the phone and seemed so happy to talk to me! We had plans to go to a concert that night. After the concert, on the way home in the car, my husband said to me, "I am so glad that you are strong. Thank you for staying strong for us." Then he proceeded to tell me that he wanted to try and have a baby with me!! (He has always said he didn't want to have children). He said that he wanted to make our family concrete! I remember sitting there in shock, but also filled with love and an overwhelming gratitude to the Lord. 

Even though he hadn't told me that he loved me, I knew that we were close. I knew restoration wasn't complete yet, but I knew it was a GIANT step. I kept praising God and believing that it would come, but if not, I still had and wanted Him more. The next day my husband left for a 28 day business trip. As I dropped him off at the airport, he held me in his arms and said, "I love you." I felt the tears well up and I knew that God was restoring us. I remember whispering "I love you" back to him.

It had been almost one year to the date when this restoration happened. It was a miracle! During his absence things got a bit rocky, and I felt satan really trying to destroy us. I prayed and prayed! God is good and reassured me many times! My husband came home and was a little aloof for awhile, but I had the Lord who I cared about most, while God continued to change me, change us and through His mighty glory, my husband up and tells me that he loves me. 

Now that we are fully restored, he has begun to talk to me the way the way I always wanted him too. He is affectionate with me and wears his wedding ring all the time. I can only say that it will be a constant battle with satan for my marriage, I know that. I know that I will trust God for my marriage and my husband until the day I die, but I know that God is faithful. He hears our prayers and loves our spouses so much more than we ever could!

I also know that God HAD to change me. He had to get my attention and HE had to do it the way He did. God is sovereign and righteous. Until I loved His Son, my real Husband the most, He couldn't leave me in that state. I am thankful for His goodness and for His mighty works. God IS a God of miracles!! He saved our marriage! My husband wanted a divorce, but now he wants us to try and have a baby with me! He holds me and tells me he loves me. I know that God is GOOD and I believe that God has a plan for all of us.

My husband is changing and I know that I am still changing too. God needs me to be who He wants me to be as His Son's bride. I understand it now, and I fully give God all the glory and all the credit. It is God all the way, and I know that I must constantly keep my love for my husband in check. I know that I can ever let anything or anyone come between me and the Lord again. 

I need the Lord more than anything else in my life! I LOVE HIM more than I ever thought I could. I am so thankful that I know this now; I sing love songs to the Lord, for He is SO good as a Husband! Amen!!

~ Jane in Michigan, Fellowship Member, RESTORED!

Ministry Note: Jane's daughter turned 5 years old, and her 2nd restoration baby, we heard, was a boy! :)


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