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RYM: Wk2 Chapter 8 "Won Without a Word"

Day 10, Week 2: RYM Chapter 8

"Won Without a Word"


but first Restored Marriage Testimonies

taken from

Trustworthy Teaching Restored My Marriage!

A friend who has been working toward her own marriage restoration introduced me to Restore Ministries' principles. She would tell me about the radical concepts she was learning, and I was skeptical. Of course, MY marriage was SO solid....

My friend came to my rescue and reminded me that I already knew the principles in the book. God showed me what a proud, contentious, manipulative and selfish person I had been. When I looked in the mirror, I could find no evidence of Jesus in me.

I fell into the arms of the Lord and begged Him to forgive and change me. I dedicated myself to total obedience, fasting for seven days and praying the Lord's will to be done in my life. I allowed Him to empty me and refine me COMPLETELY. There were immediate and drastic changes.

God created a new heart in me in just DAYS! My husband saw the changes and said he wouldn't leave me! The Lord turned his heart back to me and away from her! He now sees our future together again. He is more affectionate than ever before!

I was able to forgive RIGHT AWAY! That amazed me! I prayed for God to help me keep my eyes off the battle and on Him. I LET GO OF EVERYTHING AND GAVE IT TO THE LORD! I learned that surrender, complete and radical obedience, humility, prayer and trusting in the Lord bring favor, love and FAITH into your life. I trusted Him to restore my marriage; now I trust Him in EVERY area of my life.

The restoration book is something I will study the rest of my life—I would recommend it to everybody. I haven't even finished the workbook yet since I have spent so much time in the restoration book and the Bible. The fact that everything is based on and backed up by Scripture makes Restore's program completely trustworthy. It has opened the door to many other areas of my life to be changed.

Glory to God on high! I thank Him for loving me enough to correct and refine me, not just for His glory, but because He loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart. He took me aside, put His arms around me, and made a special project out of ME! He is the most loving Person we could ever imagine! I feel like I've been given my own set of keys to the kingdom!

Thank God and RMI for everything!

Laura, RESTORED in Georgia

Sweet Alabama Restoration—Husband Home!

Praise God for His many blessings! Abba Father, thank You for Your love! Your love, Abba, amazes me. Thank You for not giving up on me! So many years I have wandered away from You, so lost.

Thank You for bringing me to the point of facing my emptiness. Thank You for filling me with Your joy, Your hope, and Your wondrous love. Thank You and praise Your name!

This morning my heart sang as God revealed a truth to me. He showed how He has protected me from certain knowledge. He also revealed this knowledge at the right time. It made my heart thrill!

My husband lives at home. Praise God, he has been home for six weeks with no weekends away! It began with two, maybe three days at home. Then weekdays at home. And now, almost seven weeks at home!

Praise God! This morning my dear husband told me how much I have changed and that I've been doing so well! He said I no longer rant and rave. Praise God, who has molded me and continues to make me brand new!

My husband explained that about a year ago he made a promise to the OW to marry her! I had no idea! He explained that he loves me and that he has no intention of leaving me and that he loves our relationship!!! Praise to God!

So much more was said. After our conversation, I went to the bathroom and just shook, realizing God's wondrous power and love. HE TURNED my husband's heart to me! HE kept me in the home! He guided and lifted me up when I fell and loved me through the pain of change.

He changed me and He continues to change me! Thank You, Abba! I love You so much, Abba! You are wondrous!! Thank You, Abba, for RMI and the Thieles. Thank You for my prayer partners. Thank You for Your wisdom.

Thank You that Your love NEVER FAILS! My dear sisters and brothers who have claimed God's promise for a restored marriage, please seek His face. He is there, always! Hallelujah!!!

She Found the True Meaning of Life!

I praise the Lord God Almighty for what He has done in my life. He took my life, broke it down to nothing, and built in it the most beautiful piece of artwork you could possibly imagine! Best of all is that He has not stopped there—more is still to come!!

I found your ministry through putting my name up for prayer on a prayer website. Someone contacted me and referred me to your site. I went to have a look and fell instantly "in love" because you spoke right to my heart! I kept coming back for support and encouragement.

As I sought the Lord, He helped me to deal with all of the hurt, bitterness, and unforgiveness that I was feeling. He helped me to control the angry outbursts that I was having toward my children. He molded and changed me from being a very contentious person into a woman with a quiet and submissive spirit, which is precious in His sight.

The more I started following God's principles, the more my former husband's heart was drawn toward our children and me. I noticed that the relationship with the OW became as bitter as wormwood and my former husband was returning more and more to us. God was definitely at work in his heart.

I think the principle from God's Word that I appreciate most is that we must never repay evil with evil, but cover evil over with good. I think that had a big impact on my relationship with my former husband. Also, of course, is the fact that we must not be contentious, nagging wives. If we want to turn our husband's heart, it must be done without a word through prayer. These principals stood out to me because I saw results as I applied them.

The How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book was a revelation, something I needed to read and hear and feel. It opened my eyes and heart in a way that I can never explain. It felt like God was talking directly to me in a unique and special way. I recommend this book to anyone who is married or who intends to get married—even if your marriage is not in trouble. Through this book, you will learn how to be the wife God wants you to be.

Praise you, Jesus! This trial has been the biggest blessing. I did not lose anything but GAINED LIFE!! Through the Lord and this ministry, I found the true meaning of LIFE; and for that I can never, never give enough thanks to God. I will be forever grateful. Jesus, You are truly LORD OF ALL!!!!

God Restores What the Locusts Have Eaten!

I feel a mixture of emotions today as I write to tell you of another restored marriage—MINE! I am overwhelmed with joy that God has been gracious to restore our marriage, and I am humbled at the same time. I know that I am the least deserving of it.

My husband came home last night and told me that he loved me and would never leave me again. He also said that he needed to be taken down "several notches" to realize that his sins were as great as mine. I told him that I was sorry for all the things that I had done and he said that he did not want to hear it because I had already said it before.

I found Restore Ministries when I typed in "marriage restoration ministries" one day on my computer and found your website along with many others. I found that there are other ministries out there, but the Holy Spirit led me to become a member of yours.

The first time my husband said he was leaving (but didn't) was in September of 1991. I begged, pleaded, tried to appease—you name it! He stayed but did not want to.

But this time I "won him without a word," with my behavior. I got into the Word and told no one of my situation except one friend and my mother. They both stood by me.

I prayed and went on an extended fast. I asked God to continually change me, and HE DID! I learned to keep focused on God and keep my mouth shut, only opening it to say or ask my husband something after prayerful consideration.

I had the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book on tape, the "Be Encouraged" videos, and the book Facing Divorce. Erin backed up what she had to say with Scripture and her experiences—and nothing speaks like experience! I would especially recommend How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage by Erin. I liked the tapes because I have a long commute to work, so I was able to listen to them over and over.

In just one evening, God has "restored what the locusts have eaten"! I don't have the words to truly express what I feel—only to say PRAISE GOD!!!!

Restored in Pennsylvania!

Praise God for restoring my marriage! My husband filed for divorce but never signed the papers! He moved back home seven months ago! In April, four months ago, his lawyer wrote him to finalize the papers so he could file with the courts, but my husband never answered.

God is indeed powerful and can protect marriages. I praise Him because He forgave me and protected us! I cannot describe how awesome He is.

It was with God's help that I met a woman in a church I was visiting. I opened up and told her how needy I was for God to intervene while I waited for my husband to come home. She, in turn, introduced me to other women who were in the same situation. God worked in all of our lives. It was these women who told me about your ministry and website. We have all been meeting every other week just to praise God, to learn to let Him work through us, to thank Him for "everything" and just put our focus on Him and our relationship with Him since that's what really counts!!

I began realizing that God wanted to have fellowship with me. My whole being is His temple; therefore, I need Him to help me build His temple in me. I need to concentrate on and be mindful of what He is doing in and through me. That's when I knew for sure that it was not about me, but Him; even my marriage is not mine, but His. It's incredible what He started to build and I just thank and praise Him that He even bothers with me and takes the time out to teach me and help me work with Him!

It was God who gave me His faith to trust and obey Him because I can't do it unless He does it through me! During my restoration process, I was so dependent on Him to do everything for me and He did! I just prayed for His strength in me to trust Him and He did! I also prayed that He would change my heart, my priorities and my focus, and He certainly accomplished it!

Praise God for what He has done and what He is doing and what He is going to do in my life! This relationship with my precious Lord is all I ever needed and it is the only permanent and lasting relationship! Every other relationship is only temporary, but this one is eternal. Thank you, Lord.

Once I realized all this and lived it, He brought my husband back!! Now that's how He works!! He is perfect in every way! I can't wait to see the rest of the changes He brings into our lives, but even if I don't see him working, I KNOW He is!!! I just have to pray for Him to give me His faith to trust Him and He will. I am a sinner saved by grace and more grace!!

Restored and More in Virginia!

I am sorry I haven't given a praise report in so long. However, the Lord has been so good to me that I guess I have been preoccupied with my blessings and I haven't taken the time to give one. I am certainly not going to give any lame excuses, so here goes.

When I began my search for the truth of God's plan for marriage restoration, I went to bookstores and searched the Internet for anything on marriage I could get my hands on. A chat group from another marriage ministry led me to Restore Ministries and its wonderful resources. I feel that out of all the marriage ministries I looked into, this ministry is the most closely aligned with the Holy Scriptures and has spoken to my heart the loudest!

One area in particular that spoke to me was regarding church attendance. I was attending church alone for a while when I began reading in Erin's books about not going without your husband when he lives at home. It says in Erin's Wise Woman workbook that God's word is clear in 1 Corinthians 11:3: "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of woman, and God is the head of Christ." Ephesians 5:22-24 makes it clear that God has put ALL husbands in the leadership role of the home. It says, "Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord...to their husbands in everything."

Every church and every other ministry I've found did not agree with this at all. Every time I would get sidetracked and rethink this, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me not to go without my husband. It was almost as if I didn't feel right about it. Everyone else told me I was being disobedient to God. However, I began feeling in my heart that if I DID go I was being disobedient to God! No one understood what I was doing, even other Christians and other marriage ministries.

NOW, by my following this principle, not only has my marriage been restored for a little while, but also my husband has been on fire (and I mean on fire) for the Lord! I had prayed for God to speak to my husband and send us to church as a family. The Lord is so faithful that He has done that and much more! My husband has been going to Bible study on Wednesday nights, getting involved with the church, developing friendships with the local body, studying the Word, and devouring anything he can get his hands on about becoming closer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

He is also thinking about ways that he can be in ministry. Believe me, this is more than I could have ever asked of the Lord and I feel so blessed! PTL! More than anything, I am so grateful that the Lord has used our marriage crisis to bring my husband to Jesus!

Then, I have a brother and sister-in-law who were in the process of getting divorced. A couple weeks ago, the OW was out of the picture and my brother and sister-in-law are back together, trying to work things out. Just last weekend, they came down to visit and I noticed that they both had their wedding bands on—PTL!

My husband asked me if I wanted to be baptized together and renew our wedding vows in the church since we did not get married in a church before! I was thrilled because I had prayed for that, too!

The resources at Restore Ministries are wonderful. I would recommend all of the tapes and books and any other resources that Erin decide to make available. I also like the fact that they make the ePartners available for us so that we do have the support we need when we are going through a difficult time in our lives.

Please don't give up no matter what the enemy tries to do or tell you. Fight the good fight to the end. I know without a doubt that the Lord will deliver you and your family, and you will be victorious! I want to thank God for Erin for being such a great inspiration to us all! God bless both of you and your whole family!

To let you all know the greatness of what God has done in bringing about my restoration and the incredible change in my husband, let me "briefly" share where I was when I came to this ministry. About two or two and a half years ago, my husband was having an affair with a colleague at work. I suspected something for a while, but I tried to believe that it wasn't happening. I guess when I first really knew about it, I sensed that God began dealing with me then, but I turned to everything except God. I had God in my life on and off for years, but never had a personal relationship with God until I began crying out to Him to help me get through what I was going through. I almost decided to have an affair myself, right before God really got a hold of me, but something stopped me from going through with it. I realize now that it was the Holy Spirit!

Believe it or not, I think God really got my attention when I went to a psychic, of all places, to find an answer to save my marriage. I looked around and saw candles of Jesus' image all around the room. I asked the psychic what she planned to do to help me, and she said that she was going to light candles and say special prayers on my behalf. Then it hit me, and I think it was the Holy Spirit, that I was to leave there immediately. I started to think that if she could pray for me and charge me all of that money, then why couldn't I pray for me?!? It was almost as if the Holy Spirit was whispering to me that God is a free gift to all, that I needed to go to HIM personally, and best of all, HE IS FREE!!

Strange but true—this was my first realization of my need to get back to God. I then went to bookstores and searched the Internet for anything on marriage I could get my hands on. I found a web site that talked about marriage restoration. This was different from Restore Ministries, but I got on a chat group and there someone referred me to RMI! (That was how I found this wonderful ministry!) Not only had I discovered this ministry, but many others as well. Many have similar beliefs; however, I do believe that out of all of them, Erin's beliefs are the closest to the Holy Scriptures and, as I mentioned before, they have spoken to my heart the loudest.

God showed me many areas about myself that needed to change. I began to understand why the affair happened, because God showed me that I had been unfaithful to my husband in other areas as a wife. God had me confess to my husband many things and began to change me in many areas (and He is still changing me, PTL!).

The affair ended almost two years ago, and it was my husband's decision. I believe this was when the Lord first started getting a hold of my husband (because I've asked him when he first felt led by God and he said that it was about a year and a half ago). We still went through many trials, and I still go through trials sometimes with my husband home, but I know that God is using it for the good of us both.

I did go through two ePartners and both of them were wonderful! I still occasionally contact them by email or phone, but not on a regular basis. I got the feeling from both of them that they thought I was more spiritually mature than they were. I do not want to boast about that. I was glad that I was there to help them, and they also helped me in many ways, especially when I needed encouragement. Unlike my ePartners, I was very blessed to have my husband home the entire time; he never left the home, though he threatened to several times.

God bless you and your family and I will keep you all in my prayers as well as the other members of Restore Ministries and the rest of the staff. I want to see others' marriages restored, and I get teary eyed when I read the praise reports—keep them coming, Lord!


God Does Do the Impossible!

I want to thank my Lord and Savior for opening my eyes. Thank you, Erin, for being faithful to tell the truth about how to restore marriages God's way. I was doing and saying things to try to change my husband. I was told to follow the "tough love" tactic and I saw that it only made things worse. It pushed him to the OW.

I found your ministry while looking for Christian marriage restoration on the Internet. I was really blessed by the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book and all of the Bible verses it contains. The Lord showed me so many verses in the Bible and I have really grown closer to God through this.

I also had Facing Divorce that showed me how to seek restoration God's way instead of the world's way.

I really needed to change. When I began to seek the Lord, it was then I saw Him working in my life. When my husband left again, he said he wanted a divorce; he said he would never be home and it was over and there was no chance of him coming home again.

Then I read the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book twice! Easter morning, I asked my husband to forgive me for the mean things I have said to him. After I asked for his forgiveness, I had such peace. I did not have that peace when I was being mean and trying to change things in the flesh.

God has done a mighty work in me. I am no longer that negative and sarcastic person. I gave it ALL to God and stopped doing things in the flesh. I fell in love with Jesus. I showed my husband love when I had a chance to see him. I had total faith in God that He was going to restore our marriage.

I fasted and prayed. I quoted Scriptures daily: "What God has joined together, let no man separate," and other Scriptures in the How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage book. I knew it wasn't God's will that this marriage be over.

One Sunday afternoon, my husband stopped by to drop something off and I could see the battle and turmoil in him; he looked sad. I fasted and prayed on Monday because I knew it was a spiritual battle. Well, at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday, my husband called and asked if he could stop by to talk to me. He told me he was tired of running and ready to come home. He felt so ashamed. He said he loved me and missed me.

He did move home. I thought my marriage was restored and even submitted a praise report saying so! However, he was only home for a couple of days, then he left again to move into an apartment with the OW. I was devastated!


The kids and I went to visit my parents for vacation. While we were gone, my husband went on a canoeing trip with the OW and the whole time he thought of me and that he should be there with me! My son was in children's church just this past Sunday at my parents' church and he requested prayer for his daddy, that God would bring his family back together again. All the kids and the children's church leader laid hands on him and prayed. While I was in church that morning, during praise and worship, the worship leader told my mom to look at me and say, "Joy is coming in the morning!" Mom said she has never done that before.

When we got back from vacation, my husband had tears in his eyes and said he missed us. We talked and he said he couldn't see himself growing old with anybody else but me! He cried and said how sorry he was for everything and that he loves me. PRAISE GOD!!!! The divorce proceedings had been scheduled for this Friday!!!

Thank you, Jesus!!! I know that this was all for good. God is a miracle worker! My husband said he would never be back home!! But, God does the impossible!! If you are seeking restoration and you've heard words like "I will NEVER be home,” know that they are lies from the devil to get you to give up.

I never gave up. I prayed and lots of other people have been praying, too. THANK YOU, JESUS!! Thank you, Erin, for this blessed ministry. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!! I will continue to pray for all of you seeking marriage restoration.

Miracle Restoration in Louisiana after Three Years!

Mine is another victory for the kingdom! I want to first thank God for my Savior, Jesus Christ! Thank You, Lord! I have moved back home with my husband and our marriage is restored!!!

It has been three years this month. I moved out in July and moved home three years later! I want you all to know this was and is a journey. I had no idea that it was in God's plan to change ME. When God first began His work in me, I was so ashamed when I realized that I did not know how to love people through God's eyes. God did a great work on my mouth, my controlling spirit, and my pride!

I found out about your ministry through a co-worker who is now my prayer partner. When I came to your ministry, I was in the midst of deciding about a divorce because I believed that I had married the wrong person. However, it was I who had the problem because I did not know how to love someone in the right way or look at a person the way I do now. When someone does me wrong, I now feel differently—I trust God! And then God began to WORK ON MY MOUTH, MY CONTROLLING SPIRIT, and MY BIG HEAD!

I started to see who was behind all that was going wrong, not my husband but Satan. Then I saw God changing my husband little by little. One big change was my husband's drinking. My husband and his family are drinkers. Then one day he just stopped drinking hard liquor and beer. He became aware of what he was doing to me! Would you believe that I did not even notice the change until I talked to my prayer partner on the phone?!

My husband's heart is turning back toward me constantly even though I mess up; the Lord has shown me mercy. He is a Restorer and keeps all promises. I still try to watch what I say or how I react, but victory comes from prayer and focusing on Jesus.

Thank you, Erin, for writing such a wonderful book and leading us to the Truth. I would like to tell everyone to read the book over and over—it will help restore your marriage! I also want to thank my sister in Christ and friend for putting up with me. Do not give up!!!

Remarried in Ohio!

PRAISE GOD! My former husband and I remarried on Friday! I can honestly say that although this has been the most painful time of my life, it has also taught me not only the power and love of God, but also His faithfulness.

I cannot express how grateful I am to my God for putting our marriage back together. The changes He has made in me are extraordinary! I have learned to totally depend on God for everything and to pray for everything. There is still much work for my Lord to do in the lives of our children, but I know He can change their hearts, too. The most important thing I discovered is that God loves ME! I know people say that all the time, but this is different. I know on a different level His love for me. Praise God and thank you all for praying! His love endures forever.

As far as learning of your ministry, I had placed a prayer request on another site about my divorce. I had no idea that God could or would want to restore my marriage. A person read my email and sent me your book. That is how it all began. God led me each step. I cannot explain it, but I can look back now and see how God placed each person and even your book in my path to lead me!

The most helpful book I read was How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage. That was the basis for the beginning of my belief for my marriage. To be honest though, the Bible has been my greatest help. I read the Psalms every day and cried them out to God. My minister did not want to encourage me in believing for our marriage, as he was afraid I would be disappointed, so that's why I looked to other ministries for help.

My friends, family, and children were against the idea of restoring our marriage, so I was pretty much alone except for one good friend and my Bible. God showed me how even though I thought I was doing what was right, I was blinded in so many areas of my life, and Satan just stepped right in.

As I said before, there is still much to do, but I know that God will take care of it. The days I thought I couldn't breathe or take one more step, He took me through moment by moment. He taught me how to really pray and trust. I have learned much through the experience.

I ask everyone to please pray that God will watch over and protect us and that we will build our marriage on the solid rock of Jesus.

Although you may not know from day to day what each day will bring, just hold on to God to take you through. And remember one thing: Always put on the whole armor of God each day to protect you in this fierce battle. The Lord has given us mighty weapons and I never really understood that until now. Read the Psalms every day and cry them out to God as your sword of the Spirit!

— Chapter 8 —

Won Without a Word

In the same way [as Jesus], you wives,

be submissive to your own husbands,

so that if any of them are

disobedient to the word,

they may be won without a word . . .

—1 Peter 3:1


In this chapter, we will learn from God’s Word that since our husbands are over us, our words are not only useless, but may be dangerous. Many of us are now reaping “bad fruits” of unknowingly trying to persuade or warn our husbands instead of taking our concerns to God. We will learn that everything you’d like to say to your husband, you must first talk to God about.

When our husbands are doing something against God’s Word, we are told in Scripture to win our husbands “without a word,” with a respectful attitude toward them and their God-given authority over us.


Won Without a Word

When I am concerned about something, should I discuss it with my husband? No.

Ask God to speak to your husband. We must not discuss our fears, concerns, or even our desires with our husbands. Instead, we must first go to the top; we must go to our Heavenly Father and appeal to Him. Ask God to have the Lord speak to your husband (since the Lord is directly over all men) about what is on your heart.

This is the proper order of authority: “But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of woman, and God is the head of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:3). Instead of seeking your husband’s help or guidance, you must seek the face of God. Then search the Scriptures for one of God’s principles concerning the dilemma you face. This will confirm what the Lord has spoken to you in your heart. Mark that verse and then hold onto it, knowing that the Lord is in control.


Get Out of His Way!

Get out of his way. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the way of sinners . . . But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night” (Psalm 1:1 NIV). Get out of your husband’s way; you are not his authority! The second line tells us what we are to do: meditate on His Word and leave your husband to God. God must be the One to change your husband; your husband can’t even change himself.

Stand in the way. “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the way of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!” (Ps. 1:1). When dealing with a husband who is “disobedient to the Word,” there must be stages of “letting go” without a word. A woman whose husband is in the home but is not coming home on time or at all must “let go” of trying to police him through curfews, “20 questions,” or the “silent treatment.”

If a wife finds out that her husband is involved with another woman, she must “let go” by not following him or confronting him and use this time as a “wake-up call” or she will push him into leaving or divorcing her. If at this stage he leaves, and she continues to stand in his way rather than “letting go,” he will most likely push the divorce through, hoping that this will stop his wife’s pursuits. However, if she still pursues, you will see the man marry the other woman.

If she still holds on, rather than “letting go,” you will most likely see her former husband in a very strong second marriage. I have personally known women whose husbands had remarried, yet who were still signing their husband’s name to Christmas cards and thank you notes! In addition, with this distorted view of their situation, they have no qualms about continuing to be sexually intimate. Rarely do you see a divorce occur when a husband is convinced that he can basically have two wives.

Very often a wife who won’t let go will see her former husband and his new wife resort to having a child of their own, hoping this will discourage the ex-wife and make her let go. Some women write to me in a rage and anger against God because He did not close the OW’s womb. Yet they neglect to acknowledge that they failed to follow the biblical principles of letting go and obtaining a gentle and quiet spirit. Occasionally, when a husband does divorce the OW or second wife, he doesn’t go back to his first wife, but instead searches for someone new to make him happy! (For encouragement, please read the testimony at the end of chapter 12, “Seeking God,” about a woman who humbly let her husband go, did not get angry at God, and found herself with a restored marriage after her husband remarried!)

Get off his back and pray! You can help to heal your home by your prayers. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). If you do speak, it is very important that you choose your words carefully!

Turn, through prayer alone, your husband’s direction to God. You must understand also that you are not responsible for what your husband does; he is accountable to God for his actions. “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust” (James 1:14). Close your mouth; then get out of your husband’s way.

Wives love to treat their husbands as if they were one of their children. This type of mothering attitude will drive off any man and drain the manliness out of him. Then, when a woman comes along who looks to him as the man, he leaves his wife for the other woman.

Have the proper attitude. “Let every person be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore he who resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves” (Rom. 13:1).

Your husband is your God-ordained authority. Your rebellion to his authority has allowed your present situation. Obey and submit now and watch God turn your husband’s heart back home as you honor God’s Word.

Overcome all evil with good. Your reaction to the evil when it occurs tells God, others who are watching, and your husband what is really in your heart. “Do not be overcome with evil but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). It will occur, but you can be prepared “. . . knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance” (James 1:3).

Take this opportunity to speak a blessing of kindness to your husband: “. . . not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). If you agree with the insult or hurtful statement and return a kind statement or blessing, this will turn your situation around in an instant!

However, most women spend their energy defending themselves or discussing the issue. As they attempt to get their spouse to take his responsibility for what happened, they fail to see their situation improve. “He was led as a sheep to slaughter; and as a lamb before its shearer is silent, so he does not open his mouth” (Acts 8:32).

These are the women who email me wanting to know what is stopping their restoration. When I hear their derogatory and condescending attitude, I know why! Can you humbly accept what I am saying? If you can’t, do you wonder why your husband has chosen to leave you? “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1).

(For encouragement, please read the testimony at the end of chapter 12, “Seeking God,” about a woman who humbly let her husband go, did not get angry at God, and found herself with a restored marriage after her husband remarried!)

Concentrate on loving the unlovable! When you love and respect your husband, even when he is unlovable, unkind, and in sin, you are showing him unconditional love. “For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same?” (Matt. 5:46). Give God your hurts. He will help you love your husband if you just ask Him.

The ministry of reconciliation. As children of God we are to be ambassadors of God’s love, and that will draw others to the Lord. “Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ . . . (Christ) gave us the ministry of reconciliation . . . not counting their trespasses against them, and he has committed the word of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:18–20).

Have you been counting? Do you rehearse your husband’s sins and shortcomings in your mind as you reveal his trespasses to others? Remember, God’s mercies are new every morning—are yours?

Our first mission field. Your attitude may be, “Why should I minister to my husband the sinner?” Because the Lord gives us our husbands and our children as our first “mission field” before we can truly be effective with others.

We, of course, want to rush ahead of God before we are really ready and minister to those in the church, in the neighborhood, and at work—while we neglect our ministry at home! If you haven’t won your husband or children to the Lord, how can you win the lost?

So many women act like victims having to live with an unbeliever. Yet, they are the very ones keeping their husbands or children from the Lord. A Pharisee who attends services and then acts arrogant and spiritual keeps the lost from wanting a relationship with the Lord! Is this you?

God wants us to learn contentment before He’ll change our husbands. If you are still whining and bemoaning your situation, be prepared to stay in it! We can see in Paul’s life: “Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need” (Phil. 4:11–12).

Paul goes on to say (the verse you hear so often), “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13). You will stay in difficulty until you havelearned contentment in it—period!


Comfort Those

When women come to us, they want to know: “How can I deal with and overcome the destruction that has plagued our lives for years? How can I possibly make it through this pain and this mess?” The answer is by seeking wisdom and truth. Proverbs 23:23 says, “Buy truth, and do not sell it, get wisdom and instruction and understanding.” My heart’s desire is to share the truth with you in order to set you free: “. . . and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).

Let me assure you that all the principles in this book will help to restore your marriage whether your husband is abusive or has a drinking, drug, or pornography problem. Most of the women who come to our ministry are dealing with adultery and one or more of the sins of drinking, drugs, pornography, and/or abuse. Even though most of the testimonies do not reflect these sins because these women do not want to shame their husbands (even my own testimony), these other situations did exist, but they were overcome by following the principles in this book and especially those in A Wise Woman. A woman who is respectful in her attitude and in her words to her husband, along with a spirit of submission, will turn any abusive situation—God guarantees it!


Dealing with Your Husband’s Sins

If your husband is in any sin, how should you, as his wife, deal with it? Not as the world does!! The world’s ways will bring about destruction, but God’s principles will bring victory. Here is God’s prescription, straight from His Word:

Without a Word. As we learned earlier, the Bible is clear that we are to reverently keep quiet and not try to talk to our husbands when they are disobedient to God’s Word. (See 1 Pet. 3:1–2). Do not make the mistake of talking to your husband about his sin; talk to God only. Also, I would urge you not to talk to others about it either. Two things happen when you do. First, it puts us at odds with the Lord. “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I [God] will destroy . . .” (Ps. 101:5).

Secondly, when you uncover your husband’s sins and weaknesses to others, it makes it almost impossible for him to come back and repent. When everyone in the church, and all of your family and friends know that he has been living in adultery (or some other sin), you have made it almost impossible for him to come back. We are not to confess someone else’s sins. Confessing your own sins is very different from revealing someone else’s. It also brings about its own curse. “. . . Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside . . . So he said, Cursed be Canaan” (Gen. 9:22–25).

This verse confirms the principle that we read earlier in Psalm 101:5. We are told not to slander anyone! Nevertheless, I am keenly aware that it is very difficult to keep all that you are going through a secret. That is why we are told in Matthew 6:6 to “. . . go into your inner room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees in secret will repay you.” When you have no one to talk to, you have to pour your heart out to God! He is the only One who can really change your husband and your situation anyway! When we tell everyone who asks or will listen, when we talk on the phone for hours about it, or even pour it all out to our pastor or counselor, we will fail to use that urgency in our prayer closet! I encourage women to do what works. I know personally that this works, and any other solution does not.

Fast. The greatest way to free a husband who is in bondage to sin is to fast and pray for him. “Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free, and break every yoke?” (Isa. 58:6). There is more on fasting in chapter 16, “Keys of Heaven,” that you need to read.

Overcome evil with good! The other way is to overcome the evil by doing good! “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). The Bible does not lie. Though the “experts” of today tell you that you “enable” the person who drinks, takes drugs, etc. by being kind and loving, Scripture tells us the opposite. Which will you choose to believe and obey? Love is one of the most powerful weapons we have, and it is guaranteed to work. The Lord tells us that it is how we are to deal with our enemies or those who hurt us. Loving your husband right now, right in the midst of his sin, is truly overcoming evil with good!

Proverbs 10:12 promises that “love covers all transgressions.”

First Peter 4:8 confirms this principle when it tells us, “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”

First Corinthians 13:8 gives us a bold promise: “Love never fails.”

First Thessalonians 5:15 admonishes us saying, “See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all men.”

Romans 12:14 expounds upon this principle when it teaches that we are to “bless those who persecute you; bless and curse not. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.”

Jesus said these words in Matthew 5:44–46: “But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . . . For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers [or sinners] do the same?”


Testimony: She Told Her Husband to Get Out!

A woman came to Restore Ministries who was angry, resentful, and bitter! She had searched everywhere for help—support groups, counselors, and many books—in order to solve the problems she was having with her husband, who she said was an “alcoholic” and drug “addict.”

She had had enough! She had thrown her husband out of the house—as she had done a couple of times before. She had been following everyone’s advice; unfortunately, nothing seemed to change her situation, and inevitably things got much worse. What she learned from our ministry was different from anything else she had read or heard before. Finally, she said, she heard the truth.

She said she finally learned that the reasons for her problems were altogether different than what she had been told repeatedly. She told us that she had been so totally indoctrinated in psychology and unbiblical ideas that she could no longer discern the truth. When she read the principles, the Word of God became a sword, cutting through to her very marrow!

She learned about the danger of ruling over her husband, as when she had told him to leave the house. She learned the right way to win a disobedient husband: without a word. She learned how to deal with a man who was bound to the sin of alcohol by fasting and praying for him. She learned that a forced separation encourages adultery and would always exaggerate her trials.

Within one week, she looked up every Bible verse listed in this book and marked them in her Bible. To her astonishment, she could find no scriptural basis for the actions she had taken with her husband.

She even called her church and begged them to show her that what she had been doing was really correct. She said she needed to discredit those Scriptures she had read in this book. They could give her no scriptural support. They just encouraged her to keep her husband out of the home and not allow him to return.

In all her confusion, pain, and anger, this woman really was searching for the truth. She finally asked her husband to return home. She then gave him respect as the head of the household and spiritual leader for the first time in their marriage. The rebuilding of their home was neither easy nor quick, yet it was always stable. Her husband later confessed that he had been planning to commit adultery after she had forced him to leave. Her husband has been home for over nine years, drug and alcohol free! He is even a deacon at a large church.


Testimony: Husband Delivered from Alcohol

A woman contacted our ministry. She had hit the bottom with her husband’s drinking. She had tried applying every method that she read for wives of alcoholics. Yet, she found that every recovery was only temporary. Their marriage was falling apart.

They had become estranged. She felt that if he really loved her he would stop drinking. However, her husband was convinced that she no longer loved him because of the way she was treating him. He said her ill treatment only made him drink more because he felt things were hopeless. She told us that she did love her husband, but all the books said to withdraw from him because they were co-dependent and she had become his “enabler.” She told us that she had “tried everything” and was ready to give up. We encouraged her to “seek God.” She said that she had tried that. She said that she had gone to her pastor who confronted her husband, but that only made things worse—he left the church.

When she finally reached the end of herself, she cried out to the Lord. The next morning she met a woman who had a restored marriage and who agreed to pray for her. Just two weeks later, when she thought her husband was at work, she got a phone call from him. He was at Teen Challenge seeking help. This woman’s husband came out, three months later, a totally new man on fire for the Lord. He became the spiritual leader of their family and active in their new church. You can try everything, but when you do, I promise, you only make matters worse. Try God alone!! Go after God; trust Him and He will change your situation in an instant.

Do Not Provoke Them

Scripture warns us, “. . . do not harass them nor provoke them” (Deut. 2:19). When you provoke someone who is under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or the seductions of an adulterous woman, you put yourself in grave danger. Proverbs 18:6 tells us, “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows.”

If physical violence has become a part of your marriage, you need to heed this Bible verse and make sure that it is not occurring because of your disrespectful attitude and words toward your husband along with your spirit of rebellion. God warns women not to even speak to a husband who is being disobedient to the Word and to make sure we are silent with a respectful attitude (see 1 Pet. 3:1–2). God also tells us in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife should see to it that she respect her husband.”

So often, after you verbally attack your husband’s character, one of you takes a swing. Often it is the woman who hits first because she is so hurt by something her husband has said in response. Unfortunately, after the first punch, physical violence becomes the norm. Once violence is brought into a home or a marriage, it becomes a major part of the destruction.

Those in our ministry who have overcome violence in their marriage are convinced that if it is destroyed at the root of the problem, which they all agree begins with a disrespectful attitude, cutting and demeaning words, along with rebellion (refusing to submit as the Bible commands that women are to do), that it is wiped out for good. This testimony confirms this truth.

Testimony: In Her Own Words

I read this testimony in Crowned with Silver magazine. I am reprinting it for you, with permission from CWS and the writer of the article.

The following story is, I hope, an encouragement to others who may be in the situation in which I found myself. God has many ways of reaching people and my story is one, which may cause the hardened of heart to call me “Raca,” or “fool,” but the Lord reached my husband through some very difficult circumstances. I ask, dear sisters, that you don’t place my name at the end of the article, for I am concerned that my husband would not receive the honor that is due him in the eyes of my children if they read this.

My husband and I grew up in a community church and married as high school sweethearts. I was always a stay-at-home mother, and my husband was an automobile mechanic. We were from very different types of families. He grew up with four brothers and two sisters; I came from a family with just two girls. His family members were always loudly arguing, debating, and throwing a punch here and there when they were making a point. My family was very quiet. When my sister and I argued, we did it silently and maliciously. We wouldn’t use words to get back at one another; we would do something to get even.

At the beginning of our marriage we were baby Christians, but I had a thirsting for more of God. My husband was content right where he had been for 23 years. He had made a confession of faith, and knew he was heaven bound. That was good enough for him. I, on the other hand, knew there had to be more. I knew that God was enough to sustain me throughout the rest of my life and I wanted to live a life different from the world around me.

We struggled financially. With the birth of our first daughter we were barely making it in our one-room apartment. My husband was like a tightrope. I’d try to keep the baby quiet in order to make life more peaceful and less irritating to him. Our relationship was better during the weekdays because he wasn’t home that much. But we fought on the weekends. And then I would start my old tactics that I’d used growing up on my sister.

I wouldn’t fight back, or yell, or scream. I would simply . . . get even. When we were arguing, I wouldn’t make dinner, or I wouldn’t do the laundry for a week and he would have to wear dirty clothing. I’d do something that I knew would get under his skin. But it wouldn’t be something that he could actually point his finger at me for. I could get away with it because it wasn’t blatant. Life went on like this for some years. We had the two girls back then, and then that tightrope that my husband and I were walking on snapped.

One Saturday, we were arguing about how we should spend the extra $20 out of the paycheck. My husband wanted to go to the ball game; I wanted him to take us out to dinner. He yelled that he worked for the money and he deserved a little time out for fun, and he turned to leave. So I gave him a little . . . shove with my elbow. (I think all the built-up pressures from all the arguing and strife that was constant in our life somehow brought back his interaction with his brothers.) He immediately lifted his arm and socked me back in my arm as hard as he could. Never had I seen so much fury directed at someone—me!

The pain of it. I think that it wasn’t the physical pain so much as the emotional and spiritual pain. See, I had been trying to grow in the Lord in all areas but my marriage. It was a torture to read the Scriptures that talk about how the Lord is the bridegroom and we are the bride, and somehow our marriage was supposed to be an example of our relationship with Christ. That was horrifying!

If my marriage and the relationship I had with my husband was in any way related to my relationship with Christ I was in big trouble! I think that once the restraint was gone, the taboo of hitting your spouse having been broken, my husband felt hopeless. More and more fighting would break out like this. I would try to hide it from the children, but sometimes there was no way to do this. I think this hurt me more than anything else.

Proverbs tells us that children’s fathers are their glory. If fathers were supposed to be their glory, then my children must have felt betrayed and distrustful of all things, even God. As they were being taught the Scriptures, they were going to come to distrust even them if something didn’t happen to heal this broken marriage.

And yes, even though my husband and I were married and not divorced, we had a broken marriage. I never told any of my friends at church what I was going through. I did tell one of my closest friends that my “cousin” had been going through certain things in order to get some advice, or to talk through the issues. But all the advice this friend gave me was that I should leave the monster. She said that there were names for this type of treatment and that only a fool would stay with such a man.

But there was one problem. It was a vow I had made to God a few years back that I would stay with this man through sickness and in health, through the good and the bad, until death do us part. . . . And even though I felt that there was absolutely no love left in my being for the man I was married to, I still loved God. I loved God with every fiber of my being. I loved Him so much that I would not break my marriage vows, which I had said before Him those seven years ago.

Staying with my husband was a commitment I had made to the Lord the day that we were married before Him. I turned to our heavenly Father. So many times in the past I had turned to secular advice in reading materials. I’d listen to my friends bad-mouth their husbands, and so on. I knew that the only way I was going to get any help at all was by seeking the Lord and finding Him and His help.

The Lord revealed Truth to me in some very simple ways. I needed to stop blaming my husband as the world tells us to do, and look at the things I was doing wrong in my marriage. Putting aside the hatred, anger, and resentment I felt for my spouse, I decided to replace those emotions with forgiveness, understanding, and love. I repented of getting even in so many ways in order to make my husband miserable. And the Lord started changing me!

There is so much more to tell, but let me only say that God is in the changing business. If we yield our whole lives to Him, He is there to guide us through our darkest hours! I’ve now been married for 21 years to the same man. Well, he isn’t the same man, as he gave his whole life to God as I did about 11 years ago. Just as he had felt the resentment and hate oozing from every pore of my being, so did he start feeling love and forgiveness flowing toward him.

Now we don’t argue as we used to do, for both of us love each other so much that we want what the other person wants. We no longer put ourselves before the other’s needs! God is wonderful! See, the Lord changed me first, and then He changed my husband! But it was the Lord who did the changing!

Testimony: Hide Me Under the Shadow of Your Wings

Elaine* had suffered so much abuse. From the time she was pregnant with her first child, her husband had repeatedly, in a rage, abused her. She had tried everything: shelters, friends’ homes, going back home to her parents, even law enforcement officers, but nothing was permanent.

After her husband’s violent explosions, he would become repentant, remorseful, and even kind to her. He would seek to try and “make it up to her.” He would plead with her to “please forgive” him. Being a Christian, she would. All too soon, he would again become violent.

After three children and no hope in sight, she thought of taking her own life. How could she leave her children with this violent man? She couldn’t. She would have to take their little lives as well. But murder! She had thought several times about killing her husband, especially in the midst of his attacks. How could she, a Christian, think like this?

One night she went to a prayer meeting at her church. There was no altar call, but Elaine walked slowly to the front of the church during the last song and left her burdens there. For the first time that she could remember, she gave the entire situation to the Lord.

She heaved tears of pain at the foot of the cross. She gave it all to Him. She surrendered, “Lord if you want me to stay with this man, I will. I will never try to run away again or to seek help. I accept this life you have given me. My children are yours. Do whatever you will with all of us.”

Elaine went home relieved that things were finally settled in her heart. The next day, while her children were at school and she and the baby were grocery shopping, God moved in her life. Her husband left his job, came home, and packed his things. Elaine’s husband disappeared that day. That was 21 years ago.

Elaine is still legally married to a man she has not seen or heard from in over two decades. Her children are all grown and her youngest daughter has just married. She and all her children have a close relationship with the Lord. Elaine still lives hidden under the shadow of His wings (Ps. 17:8).

“And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even to death” (Rev. 12:11).

*Not her real name.

For many more powerful testimonies, get a copy of the book By the Word of Their Testimony

Also be sure to read our amazing Encouragers, like this one that has an AMAZING testimony on Fasting. 

"Suicide Broken by Fasting!!!"

Personal commitment: to pray to our Father rather than to quickly speak to our husbands. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to allowing God to move my husband through His Holy Spirit. I will instead ‘bathe all my desires and concerns in prayer’ by seeking His face. I acknowledge that the only way to win my husband to righteousness, especially in my present circumstances, is ‘without a word,’ and with my respectful and humble spirit. I will bless and pray for those who persecute me and overcome evil with good. I will trust the Lord and His protection rather than the arm of the flesh.”

If you are ready to make this commitment to GOD, by CLICKING HERE you've agreed, and are ready to document this part of your Restoration Journey in your "My Daily Journal" form.

Also, if you want to be paired with a LIKE-MINDED ePartner after your Rebuilding, be SURE to pour out your heart in EACH Journal.