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RYM: Wk2 Chapter 7 "Kindness on Her Tongue"

Course 1: RYM LINKS

Day 9, Week 2: RYM Chapter 7

"Kindness on Her Tongue"


but first Restored Marriage Testimonies

taken from


God Restores Another Marriage!

I believe the Lord prepared me for my difficult circumstances when He specifically told me in January that He would not leave nor forsake me. In March, things got very bad, but by then I had heard of marriage restoration and found a website. However, even during my growth in the Lord, I kept hungering after more information.

By April, a week before I was hit with the "bomb," I had found Restore Ministries through a search engine looking for something else entirely. So in retrospect, I don't recall how I came to read your page the first time. Nevertheless, it was no coincidence!

From the beginning, this was a mighty battle for me to trust God and learn submissiveness. I had never put my husband first; I served myself. The Lord dealt with me and taught me humility. Many times He surprised me by tenderly comforting me in my circumstances.

I found it especially true when I messed up and fought in the flesh. God would send me a word, a friend, or even a hug from my husband (grudgingly given) exclaiming, "Don't ask me why I'm hugging you; I don't know why, I just have to."

I learned time and time again how harmful it was when I blocked the Lord by trying my own hand in this battle. I would make things worse every time. I am now reaping the things I sowed in the flesh two months ago.

I am a slow learner—I am amazed the Lord hasn't lost patience with me! I have learned to lean on and trust Him completely, especially when things look hopeless. I learned that God wants me completely, not my leftovers of thought or time.

I have the RYM book, the workbook, the Q&A books, and Workers at Home. Each and every resource helped me mightily to see where my place is in the Lord and my family. As a European, I was not brought up to be submissive or even nice. Tact has never been my strong point.

I believe that that is the reason so few Germans have a true relationship with Jesus. We are taught from early childhood on that we need no one but ourselves and that distorted view makes us extremely contentious. I am so grateful God used Erin to show me the Truth. And her resources helped to change me!

Don't ask me how God uses these resources, but every time I applied the principles explained in the book, believing them to be true and God-honoring, I was always rewarded in a big way for my obedience. But in the same way, I saw that God will not be fooled by halfhearted attempts at obedience to satisfy the flesh and look saintly or spiritual.

Please buy How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage. It will not only open the heart and eyes of any woman who is truly searching, but it will also help you to focus on Jesus. That is the whole reason our relationships failed in the first place, because our relationship with Jesus has to be restored first!

Lord, I just praise and thank You from the bottom of my heart that You love me so much, that I am saved and that Your faithfulness to my family and to me seems to be truly endless. Just as Your Word says, You don't lie and You don't tease.

I truly believe that any person who You tell his or her marriage is restored, it is restored already—we just have to hold on to Your promises and let go of our circumstances to focus on You. The battle has always been Yours! I wish I would have seen that much sooner. I could have spared my family and myself much pain.

Help me to always look to You, trust You, and keep my hand out of Your fight to change my husband and our circumstances. Please mold me into the person You want me to be, every day a little more. I give You glory. If You can change me and turn my hard heart, You can certainly do anything!

A year and a half ago I was still searching. I still wanted to live as I wanted to without a thought to You or my family. I am so happy You found me and brought me back to You. Even if it's difficult sometimes, I never want to tread the wide road again.

Thank You that my husband says again that he loves me. Thank You that he never moved out even though he had rented an apartment and had the keys. I thank You that the OW is out of the country for good. Thank you that we are now speaking of our future again. Lord, I thank You for sparing our daughter pain during this summer; having her daddy home was a mighty blessing!

I thank You that my husband wants to stay with me! Even when we are both attacked with fear and anxiety, I praise You that there is always hope in You. Lord, I thank You and give You glory for allowing my husband to be in the home and for healing us. I thank You that I am allowed to serve and spend time with him, and that he once again talks to me about his dreams and hopes.

I give You praise, Lord, that my husband prays alone and with us again! Glory to God! I know that You will save him and bring him back to You. Thank You for everything You have done for us, everything You are doing right now, and everything You are going to do!

And thank You for showing me where to turn when things looked hopeless! Time and time again, You helped me through RMI’s website and through people who would pray for me.

I have been really blessed by finding Erin’s website. She is being used by the Lord in a mighty way, reaching out to help so many in troubled marriages like ours was. They pointed me to Jesus—only He is able to save and restore! God's Word is true. It works. It was designed to make us live in harmony with each other and God, and I have seen some amazing things happen when God steps in for the rescue. Glory to God!

Marriage Restored Before Twentieth Anniversary!

In January 2002, I found out that my husband was having a relationship with the OW and that it had been going on for over a year. I was devastated, as I had trusted my husband implicitly. I screamed, cried, and begged, but to no avail. He never left our home during this entire stand but he did leave our marriage bed in September 2001. When I questioned him there were accusations and counter-attacks but there were no answers to my questions—just quarreling. (I later found, via Erin's tapes, what was happening and how wrong I was to argue as I was trying to argue with Satan without the help of GOD!)

Although he continued to live in the house, my husband made no secret that he was calling and occasionally seeing the OW. I got on my knees, determined to fight for our marriage.

For Christmas 2001, my Christian daughter-in-law gave me a book, which opened my eyes to my faults as his wife. This led me back to my church for the first time in eight years. I was so moved when I went back to the church that, although I knew few who were there, I went forward to rededicate myself to the Lord. God was there for me that day and immediately provided a woman at the altar call to minister to me. With her guidance, I was introduced to RMI's website, and I followed all the principles being taught. She told me that she volunteered because she felt moved to do so. How wonderful is OUR LORD!! To me that was the first step God took to restore our marriage. However, I firmly believe that He allowed Satan to come in against my marriage so that HE could again reclaim this "lost sheep."

The tapes from Erin Thiele's ministry and my now well-worn Bible helped me through the dark days that were ahead, as I struggled with the awful realization that our marriage was in shambles and my husband had turned to another woman. After listening to the tapes over and over again (the "Be Encouraged" tapes) I realized how many mistakes I had made and how God wanted to mold me into the image of His Son. That is what I concentrated on—letting GOD change me!

I also learned from God to forgive not only my husband but also the OW, and I began praying for her too because I had faith that GOD would restore our marriage. BUT (ladies, this is a VERY IMPORTANT point from Erin's books and tapes) UNTIL I let go COMPLETELY—not checking on my husband's comings and goings and giving EVERYTHING over to GOD and concentrating only on my LORD and Savior—our marriage was not healed!

I prayed to God that He would restore our marriage by our twentieth anniversary on October 1. I left everything in His hands. My husband said all along he wanted to come home. He wanted to see me accomplish a few things. I tried to be obedient, and I was able to do so with the help of my e-partner. If it had not been for her, I think I would have given up. Praise God—I did not! On September 1, our marriage was completely restored!!

The happy conclusion... God again answered my every prayer from the early days of my spiritual battle for our marriage! I had asked, "Please, if it be Thy will, heal this marriage before our 20th anniversary." My husband "came home all the way" on September 1! Our anniversary is October 1st!! GOD IS FAITHFUL and ANSWERS ALL PRAYERS. PRAISE GOD!! TO HIM BELONGS THE GLORY!

Without Him, our marriage would not have survived. I praise God and give Him all of the glory for our restored marriage! Amen!

Restored and Praising Him Forever!

My marriage is restored. My husband left me in July. When he left, I prayed that God would change and return him to me, but the good Lord began to reveal my REAL SELF to me. As I was, my husband would have nothing to do with me. I needed to change!

As I continued to pray for my husband, the Lord told me not to speak to anyone about him. Did I listen? Therapy taught me to let it out, talk about it, or you stand the chance of falling and going back to drugs and alcohol. My past life was so dark that I could never chance that happening. Instead of trusting in and fearing God, I trusted and feared man.

As my situation worsened, the Lord told me to stay close to home. Did I? No way! I began to go out almost every day after work with our youngest daughter to shop. My husband had never come home to a hot meal or his God-given companion. He came home to an empty house, cold, hungry, and lonely, so why wouldn't he leave?

As God revealed what I needed to do, I turned to those who I relied on as my backbone—but they would put me down, telling me I was crazy. They said that God did not put me in a marriage to be miserable and that I should get out and leave him. They mocked me (Christians of many different denominations, devoted and very religious), saying things like, "How come God doesn't talk to us the way He talks to you?"

Of course, I didn't know the answer to that question at the time, so it went unanswered and I began to think I was crazy. I am no good, so why would "good" talk to me? However, the one conviction that the good Lord placed in my heart as a child that remains to this day was that I never, ever believed in divorce.

When my neighbor and I began to talk, she would listen and tell me she would pray. The day my husband told me he was leaving, I looked for a lawyer and in my search I stopped at a Barnes & Noble. When I came out of the restroom and looked for an exit sign, the wall was full of spiritual books.

Here the Lord stood once again. In the midst of my trouble, He saved me! I began to read cover after cover. The books were titled Save Your Marriage, The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Husband, The Power of a Praying Parent, etc. Guess what I did? I bought them all!

I never did find the lawyer I was looking for, so I went home immediately to read. As I read The Power of a Praying Wife, the Lord began to soften my heart toward my husband and revealed to me the evil of my ways. Yet, the message was not complete. I still didn't know how to become the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and woman that God created me to be.

The Lord never left my side. I began to read, pray, and fast on my own with few results. In His greatness, He sent the resources that would put me on the path of reconciliation!

The first resource was my neighbor who repeatedly listened to my cries. One day she introduced me to her friend, a minister, teacher, and believer. In January, we began to meet weekly for prayer, and I was given simple yet direct steps and measures that began to change me.

Some nights I would cry so hard as God gave me a front row seat to the showing of my life, the choices I had made, the sins that I had never repented of, and the ones I didn't know I was committing (that is until He led me to your ministry and I read your books).

In February, my husband agreed to meet to discuss our relationship. That is when I became aware of your ministry. A friend told me to get your book Facing Divorce, telling me to read it, study it, and read it again; however, I was never told how or where I could purchase it. Then I went to restore ministries.net. Reading your "Welcome Page," I knew it was none other than God's divine intervention!

Your ministry informed me that it would take anywhere from five to eight business days for delivery of the materials I wanted. That was a problem, as my husband and I were to meet in four days. Your representative put me on hold and came back to the phone. Once again with the intervention of the Lord, your ministry sent me the electronic version of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage. I finished it in three days before I met with my husband! PRAISE THE LORD!

When I started reading your book, God got a hold of me right away. It was automatic! I was on my knees reading, and I could not get up. I was sobbing as I never had before. Looking at myself in that way was the hardest thing I had ever had to do! "Change me," I prayed. "Come into my heart and change me."

The first thing I had to do after seeking forgiveness from God was to seek it of my husband, our children, and all those who had listened to me about our marital problems. Through His grace, mercy, strength, and power I was able to do it.

My change has been slow and not without pain. When receiving promptings from the Lord, I would argue and resist. Then I would bargain—"Okay, I'll do it,” but instead of approaching a situation the way God wanted me to, I would go backwards and approach things my way, failing every time. God never gave up on me, so I never gave up.

Finally, I would get it right and do things God's way. In October, when I tried to speak to my husband, my approach was an altered version of my prompting, leaving me feeling hopeless and wounded. Then I did it God's way and, though my husband was not very receptive, it was a beginning. Even though I cried and hurt, God was there the whole time.

I told my husband that I was sorry for everything I did to make him leave. As I turned to leave, he suddenly wanted to speak. I listened for the first time from the heart, the heart of Jesus. That was the beginning of the end of my self-righteousness! I left our meeting crying tears of joy, hope, and faith that God would complete the work He had begun!

When I met with my husband the second time in February, he did all of the talking. I only spoke when prompted, saying very little. When I left, my husband made reference to "the next time we meet." That was only by the GRACE of GOD!

The next time was March. After I prayed and fasted regarding our tax returns, my husband said he would file separately. After reading your book and learning about submission, my burning prompting was to hold off filing. Then I read a testimony on your website about another couple who had a similar situation, and the wife gave her husband the full return.

Next, I called my friend to pray and fast with me. I was instructed that the Bible says that the husband is head of the house. After more praying and fasting (my friend and neighbor fasted and prayed with me), I called my husband and told him he could pick up the tax documents whenever he was ready.

A miracle happened! He asked how I was and began to speak to me on a personal level! Then he said he would file our taxes together and asked that I make the appointment and call him back with the day and time! I did just as he requested.

That night my friend called to tell me that there had been a prompting to seek God's power through prayer and fasting—that God was ready to make a big move in our marriage. He said to have everyone pray that the meeting would turn into a date. After our taxes were filed, my husband took me to my father's house (we had not spoken for three years). God, through my husband, began reconciliation in another broken relationship. Then my husband took me to New York for dinner, to a place with good memories!!

With the scriptural principles that I learned and applied through RMI and God, great things were beginning to happen. In early March another miracle happened. My husband accepted an invitation to dinner and we got along so well from that moment on as the Lord continued to change me. As I read your materials, the more I fasted, prayed, and applied what I was being taught, the more I witnessed the power and presence of our Savior.

He changed me, and my husband commented on those changes. The more I read your materials, shared my testimony, and handed out your ministry cards, the more I witnessed the miracles that God and only God could perform in my husband, my children, and me.

By March, my husband began to come home three days a week. It wasn't until April that he spent a night. As we dated and got to know one another, we became real friends. Even though we had grown up together, we never had a relationship like this! I no longer judged him or depended on him for things that only my Lord and Savior could provide.

By May, my husband was home every night, only returning to his rented room to pick up his mail and clothing. In June, he told me he was coming home! In July, exactly one year to the date, God returned my husband to me. The good Lord was faithful—my strength and light in a dark situation.

Two weeks ago, my husband agreed to start meeting with a male friend! He is now being taught the same principles I learned! He commented that he now looks forward to coming home! In addition, the Lord continually uses the resources of your ministry to restore all of my family relationships. Praise GOD!

The following Scriptures were critical during my spiritual trial:

Confirming my belief in everlasting marriage—Romans 8:28; Matthew 21:21, 19:5; Psalm 23, 119:113; Proverbs 7:11; Malachi 2:16; 2 Corinthians 10:5; John 10:10; James 1:5, 7, 8; Revelation 7:2

Learning to depend on and fear the Lord—Psalm 1:1, 60:11, 108:12; Proverbs 12:4; Matthew 19:26; 2 Corinthians 16:9

Serving Him­ – Luke 11:9; Isaiah 9:6; James 1:17

Searching His Word­ – Psalm 46:10; Proverbs 16:33, 5:18; Matthew 7:7, 12:36; 1 John 5:4; Romans 6:16; 1 Corinthians 13:7; Galatians 5:17

Changing my behavior­ – Proverbs 31:11, 26, 20:3, 18:1, 16:28, 17:9, 14, 28, 15:1; Matthew 23:12, 5:25, 29-30, 12:37; Romans 3:31, 6:2; James 2:14, 18; Psalm 101:5

The change (the new heart given me in Jesus) ­ – Psalm 34:5; 1 Timothy 1:18; Luke 14:11, 18:14; Matthew 18:22; Proverbs 16:24, 17:22, 18:14; Hebrews 12:11; 2 Corinthians 10:3; 1 Peter 5:8

All these passages are in your materials, and this isn't even the tip of the iceberg of what your books hold. The scriptural references in your materials are unlimited and touched every area that the Lord revealed to me that needed changing!

After reading How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and Facing Divorce, I ordered every resource you suggested for women, along with additional materials. To date, I have exhausted all of my Hope Cards and tracts and recently gave my sister my copies of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and Facing Divorce

Your resources gave me HOPE and helped to restore my faith. You let me know that I wasn't crazy; as a matter of fact, now I know that when the world thinks I'm crazy, I can be certain I'm heading in the right direction. You cannot serve two gods, and the opposing one will try to convince you that you're crazy.

Your ministry let me know that I wasn't alone, that we do not fight against flesh. As long as I seek God's kingdom, ask for faith and strength, and knock on the door of knowledge and power, He will let the bad in my life turn to good. Praise God that all things happen to glorify His name!

If you are newly separated or heading in that direction, start with How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage and Facing Divorce, then go directly to A Wise WomanThey are where I learned how to change the contentious behavior that marked my life. Then, continue through all the materials offered through Restore Ministries.

God is GREAT! When everything I trusted in failed me, He never did. Through it all, He was there. Praise His name! He has turned my pain into joy, my tears into laughter. He has changed me to a VIRTUOUS woman and enabled me to endure!

He revealed my filthy rags and clothed me in His righteousness. He has taken me from darkness and shone His countenance upon me. Give Him the power, the glory; sing praises to Him all the days of your life, for He is here to stay! I am the Lord's! Take and mold me as You will. AMEN!

Praising Him to Restoration!

I found RMI about a week after my husband left. I was so excited to have someone confirm what I felt God was leading me to do. It helped me to know that I was NOT in denial as many tried to tell me. Praise God for His mercy!

God changed my situation one night when I was contemplating death only four days after my husband left. I sat in the dark alone, believing that no one would care if I died. But God spoke to me and led me to my Bible.

I opened it to Matthew 19:3 and read through verse 12. We had read that passage at our wedding almost ten years before. That was when I reached out for the hem of His garment and struggled to never let go. I came to my computer to look for prayer—I didn't know what else to do.

That was when I found RMI. I wanted so badly to join the fellowship, but the money scared me. I signed up and hoped that I would be able to come up with the money when I needed it. (I didn't know then that God would provide for my every need.)

I continued to search His Word and hold on tight. I learned a lot about myself, but it still seemed so very difficult to hold onto my hope. Then one day, a friend that I had prayed with online sent me a copy of How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage. I was riveted by the book.

It was telling me everything that I already knew in my heart! Praise God! But now it was being confirmed. I really wasn't making this up as I was going along—someone else trusted God, and He was faithful. It was then that I learned that He is not a respecter of persons.

I began reading the book all the time, cross-referencing with my Bible and praying Scriptures. PTL, I also had the small bit of money that I needed to purchase the membership. In time I was able to purchase many of the other resources RMI provides and was blessed by every one of them!

The most important principle I learned through God's Word was that He really loves and cares about my family and me. I also learned that trusting Him is the most important thing I can choose to do in my life. I must admit that sometimes it is hard to kill the flesh and to trust, but I have seen the rewards, and He is so faithful!

I learned about what I thought was my own righteousness and how filthy it was to Him. I saw everything that I did to bring about the breakup of our marriage. It no longer mattered what my husband was doing, and the OW was no longer a huge thorn in my side; she was still a thorn, but He made it bearable.

Through His grace and love, I was able to focus on what He wanted to do in me. Once I surrendered that to Him, everything that followed became easier to surrender. Yes, there were times that because of my flesh, I thought I would die because of the pain, but He brought my family through! I have learned to seek God first in EVERYTHING, not just my trials, but also my choices and my happiness.

The resources that I have from RMI are How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, A Wise Woman, Facing Divorce, Questions & Answers, all of the "Be Encouraged!" videos, the "Queen Esther" video, the "Facing and Avoiding Remarriage" video, and the "Being Obedient and Alluring" video.

I already knew in my heart that God was calling me to not give up on our marriage but to trust in Him. Each one of these resources spoke to me in a very personal way and confirmed for me what I already knew in my heart. They helped me so much when I was up against those who said I needed to move on with my life, find someone new, and get over it! They helped me learn that I did not need to "get over it," but I needed to get THROUGH it with God leading me—and how worthwhile it is!

Praise God that every single one of them blessed me in one way or another! If I could only pick one to recommend, it would be the Wise Woman workbook. Through my trial, I have had the opportunity to recommend your book to many, many people, and I believe that Erin followed God's will in writing it.

Sometimes she may come off as a bit abrupt, and it seemed as if I came to those parts when I wanted to be coddled. However, she still spoke the truth, and I have been so very blessed because of it! I pray many blessings for Erin, and thank God for leading me to your website!

My husband was gone for just under six months! I am praising the Lord and have, quite literally, gotten on my face many times to praise Him! In the beginning I struggled with my flesh, though I was able to follow His guidance more times than not. I rejoiced when I saw things that seemed bad in the flesh. I rejoiced when I saw changes in my husband and myself.

About a month ago, I REALLY began to see changes, and I just KNEW that my husband was coming home. I stopped praying for God to please do it, and thanked Him that He had done it! I received that oh-so precious assurance. I continued to pray and fast, but my focus was no longer on just returning what the enemy had stolen, but on others in my life, and other things that God was leading me to do.

I went through the fire, just as Erin described in the "Be Encouraged!" videos. It was so hot that I was sure the pain at the end was much worse than the pain in the beginning. And it was frustrating because there was nothing that happened in the flesh to cause me that pain. But I continued to praise God and tell Him, "Lord, I don't know why I feel this way, but I know You are working, and I praise You and thank You!" The enemy was working hard at trying to get me to give up, but praise Jesus, the only thing I knew to do was to turn to Him for comfort.

Quite SUDDENLY, two weekends ago, my husband and I were intimate for the first time since he left. I had been praying, based on what I had learned from Erin's "Allure" video, and God was faithful. It was the week that followed that my husband told me he wanted to come home, and the following weekend when he returned! PRAISE GOD!

I am so thankful that God truly has put forgiveness in my heart. I can honestly say that I have no anger toward my husband, and I am so thankful for what God has done for us! I look at my husband and I am filled with love! I am so thankful for all of the changes that God made in me and look forward to everything that He will continue to do!

Thank You, Lord Jesus! And thank you, Erin, for your obedience!


— Chapter 7 —

Kindness on Her Tongue

She opens her mouth with wisdom
and the law of kindness is on her tongue.
—Proverbs 31:26


Everyone watches how a woman speaks to her husband, to her children, and to others. When a woman speaks respectfully and kindly to her husband and children she shows the main characteristic of a “godly woman.” However, those who are impatient and disrespectful reveal themselves as weak and immature Christians.

Kind and gentle speech is one of the most important ingredients for a good marriage and well-behaved children. Kindness is the main characteristic of a “godly woman.”

We have been deceived by “counselors” and so-called “marriage experts” who tell us that it is a lack of communication that causes marriages to be destroyed. While searching the Scriptures, I found that God has a lot to say about how much we say, what we say, and how we say it! Follow me as together we discover the truth:

It’s not a “lack” of communication! We are to watch how much we say!

Many words. Not only is it not a lack of communication that causes problems in marriage, but when there is a lot of talking and discussing, transgression (a violation of God’s Word) cannot and will not be avoided! “When there are many words,transgression is unavoidable . . .” (Prov. 10:19).

Keeps silent. Others tell us to speak our minds and to share what we think, but God says that “a man of understanding keeps silent” (Prov. 11:12). “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin”(Prov. 13:3).

Closes his lips. Actually, God says that we practice wisdom and appear wise when we say nothing. “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise. When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent” (Prov. 17:28). “But let your statement be,‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil” (Matt. 5:37).

Without a word. God speaks directly to women to remain silent. “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1–2). “The women are to keep silent in the churches . . .” (1 Cor. 14:34).

Gentle and quiet spirit. God finds the quiet woman precious to Him. Is this you? “. . . with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God” (1 Pet. 3:4). “Guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called ‘knowledge’—which some have professed and thus gone astray from the faith” (1 Tim. 6:20–21).

God Tells Us to Be Careful What We Say

Guards his mouth. How many times have you gotten into trouble through the words you have spoken? “The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, but the perverted tongue will be cut out” (Prov. 10:31). “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18). “He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from trouble” (Prov. 21:23).

What proceeds out of the mouth. This statement is clear. What you say is very important! “For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:37). “It is not what enters into the mouth that defiles the man, but what proceeds out of the mouth, this defiles the man” (Matt. 15:11). “. . . put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech . . .” (Col. 3:8).

Attention to the Word. This Scripture describes two types of wives. Which one are you? “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). “He who gives attention to the word will find good” (Prov. 16:20).

Do away with childish things. Have you matured? Are you still a child who says things that hurt others? One of the biggest lies we learned as children was “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Many of us have never recovered from some of the words that were spoken to us as children. “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things” (1 Cor. 13:11).

Isn’t it time for us to grow up? Stop saying things that hurt your husband, your children, and your relationships with others!

Righteous lips. Who doesn’t appreciate a kind word from someone? “Righteous lips are the delight of kings, and he who speaks right is loved” (Prov. 16:13). “Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord . . .” (Eph. 5:19).

Abandon the quarrel. “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (Prov. 17:14). “A fool’s lips bring strife, and his mouth calls for blows” (Prov. 18:6). Again, arguing or strife is not good for marriage (or any relationship), though others may tell you differently!

Constant friction. Is there constant friction in your home? “Deeds of the flesh are evident . . . strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, envying . . .” (Gal. 5:19–21). “If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions, and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the truth . . .” (1 Tim. 6:3–5).

Agree quickly! If you have problems with arguing, memorize these two verses. These verses totally changed my life! “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him” (Matt. 5:25 KJV). “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel” (Prov. 20:3).

Two of you agree. You must try to find the area of agreement instead of the point of disagreement with everything your husband says. If you can’t find anything to agree about, keep quiet and smile! “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father Who is in heaven” (Matt. 18:19).

Crushes the spirit. Proverbs also tells us that what we say can crush our husband’s spirit! “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion [defined as being obstinate or determined not to agree with another person’s wishes or accept their suggestions] in it crushes the spirit” (Prov. 15:4).

Guard my mouth as with a muzzle. Here is a sobering thought: “Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all” (Ps. 139:4). “I said, ‘I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle . . .’” (Ps. 39:1). Muzzle your tongue. Fasting is the only way to be truly delivered from a big mouth! Believe me—you’re too weak to speak! It’s what worked for me! Just do it—fast!


Her husband safely trusts in her. Another area in which we must watch the way we speak, which can result in losing our husbands’ trust, is in speaking about him to others. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain” (Prov. 31:11). We should never share our husband’s weaknesses or tell others something he told us in confidence. Remember, “A slanderer separates intimate friends” (Prov. 16:28). So many women share with me (and with everyone else they know or meet) about their husband’s sin of adultery, alcohol, drugs, or pornography. I refuse to listen and cut them right off. Let me ask you, “How many people have you told?”

Confess our sins. During counseling or when we are talking to others in order to get help for our marriage, we all make the fatal mistake of confessing our husband’s faults and sins, thus failing to get the cleansing and healing we need for our marriage to be restored. The verse clearly says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Again in James 5:16 it clearly says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”

I will destroy! “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him [God] will destroy” (Ps. 101:5). So many women think that they are constantly battling the “enemy” when in fact it is God who is against them. If you have told others about your husband, you have slandered him. God promises that He will bring destruction into your life. You can rebuke the devil all you want, but Scripture is clear: You must repent and ask the Lord to remove this sin from your life and then make restitution by going back to everyone you have told. Confess your own sinfulness to them and share all the good things your husband has done (and is doing) for you.

A slanderer reveals secrets. One of the most common snares that women fall into is gossiping over the telephone, under the guise of sharing “prayer concerns” or “prayer requests.” Stop hanging around with women who gossip. Do as God commands: “. . . do not associate with a gossip” (Prov. 20:19).

Slander be put away from you. Others may not realize that you’re a gossip, but God knows your heart. Don’t fool yourself; you don’t need to get into details to share prayer concerns—you’re a fool! “And whoever spreads slander is a fool” (Prov. 10:18). All of us must put sharing prayer requests, which is nothing more than slander, away from us. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31).

You may find as you get rid of this type of “sharing” that you have nothing to say to your friends. It also resulted in my acquiring new friends! If you resist the temptation to slide back into your old ways, God will be faithful to teach you to edify instead of shaming your husband. “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). Let’s instead begin “. . . speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord” (Eph. 5:19).

Sweetness of speech. If you have shamed your husband by what you have said to him or about him or by your attitude, God is so faithful to offer the cure: “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up bones” (Prov. 17:22). “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Prov. 16:24).“Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness” (Prov. 16:21).

God sees! Watching how much you say, winning your husband without a word, and getting out of your husband’s way is what God’s Word tells us to do. God is also adamant about the “attitude” behind our actions, since this shows our heart. “. . . For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart ” (1 Sam. 16:7). The attitude of a godly woman is one of respect for her husband, which stems from a pure heart.



We are told that respect is something we should demand from others. We are told that we should have respect for ourselves. To learn the true meaning of respect, let us look for a deeper understanding. Our husbands are to be won “by the behavior of their wives, as they observe [our] chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1). The word respect is defined in the dictionary as “a special esteem or consideration in which one holds another person”! It is not what we demand for ourselves!

According to the thesaurus, respect(ful) means to have admiration, to be considerate, to esteem, to honor, to reverence, to admire, to appreciate, to notice, to prize, to treasure, to uphold, to value. Antonyms (the opposite) are scorn, blame, and censure. We will study the words in bold (or italics) in more depth.

Consideration: thoughtfulness toward others. Hebrews tells us that we need to encourage our husbands and others. By our actions, we can stimulate them to love us and to also seek to do good. “And let us be considerate of how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24). Therefore, when we are inconsiderate, we motivate our husbands or children to despise us and do wrong!

The deeds of the flesh. We use our husbands’ sins to excuse our lack of respect for them. Here is a list of sins as stated in Galatians. As you read them, please take a moment to underline those sins that are usually committed by men, the ones that we in the church call “real” sin.

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities (hostility), strife (contentions), jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions (differing opinion), factions (actions that cause friction), envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you . . . that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19–21).

Now go back and circle the sins we tend to ignore in the church, those that are usually committed by women. To excuse your disrespect, based on your husband’s sin(s), is obviously based on ignorance or excusing your own sinfulness before a Holy God! We are clearly full of sin, which God says is “evident”!

Looking to yourself. Many feel that it is their responsibility to punish or chastise others who sin, especially their own husbands. Scripture tells us differently and shows us the consequences of these prideful actions. Let us not forget the log in our own eye. Remember that all sins are the same to God.

Again, don’t let Satan fool you into thinking that your husband’s sin is worse than yours. “Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness (or consideration in KJV); each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Gal. 6:1–3).

Esteem: high regard for others. Psychologists, sadly even Christian psychologists, have taken God’s command “to esteem others better than ourselves” and twisted it to teach us to build up ourselves, rather than others. Read this entire passage to allow the truth to set you free from esteem and pride, which are destroying you and your marriage:

“Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves. Do not look out for your own interests, but for the interests of others. Have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men” (Phil. 2:3–7).

Appreciate those who have charge over you. Your husband has charge over you. Did you make his job easier or harder? “We request of you, brethren, that you appreciate those who diligently labor among you and have charge over you . . . and that you esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Live in peace with one another” (1 Thess. 5:13).

Honor: regard highly. We are to regard our husbands as worthy of honor, honor we should already be showing them. “Let all who are under the yoke as slaves regard their own masters as worthy of all honor so that the name of God and our doctrine may not be spoken against” (1 Tim. 6:1).

God may not be dishonored. Remember that by showing honor to your husband, whether or not his actions warrant or deserve honor, you bring glory to God!—and not only when your husband is around, but at all times when you speak of him and in your thoughts of him. The consequence of not showing this type of respect is dishonor to God and His Word. We say we are Christians but our “deeds deny” it! (See Titus 1:16.) Instead we are “. . . to be . . . kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored” (Titus 2:5). “Wives, be subject to your own husbands,as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22).

In toil. “Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it, cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life’” (Gen. 3:17). After the fall of man, the man and the woman were each given a punishment; the woman would have pain in childbirth and the man would have to toil on the ground or work. So why is the man’s punishment now shared by both the man and the woman? Why did we buy into this lie? It is because of pride.

A woman full of pride doesn’t want to be told what to do or how she should spend money. If she makes her own money, she can make her own decisions about how her money is to be spent! We can easily slip out from under our husbands’ authority and ultimately their protection as well.

In addition, when wives have a different career than that of the home and children, it divides the couple’s interests and makes us independent of each other. God warns us when He says that a house that is divided will not stand! Has your job or career destroyed your marriage? (See “The Ways of Her Household” in A Wise Woman.)

Grant her honor. All women long to have our husbands treat us as in the following verse: “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). By striving to be quiet and gentle and honoring our husbands, especially when they may be living dishonorably, in a chaste and respectful manner, we can receive the blessing of having our husbands honor us by choosing to return home!

Here are some scriptural guidelines on how to receive the honor:

By being gracious. “A gracious woman receives honor” (Prov. 11:16). Respond graciously to whatever is said to you always with all people! Never press or overreact! Remember, you are a child of the King—act like royalty! Those in royalty never show ill emotions or fly off in a rage. Think of Princess Di who was experiencing all kinds of horrible marital pain, yet you never saw her pitch a fit or make a scene.

By having humility. “And before honor comes humility” (Prov. 15:33).

By being humble. “But humility goes before honor (Prov. 18:12).

Reverence: a feeling of great respect, love, awe, and esteem; to fear. Many women do not respect or show reverence to their husbands. How can we as Christian women ignore the Scriptures? “And let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.” In the King James Version it says, “And the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

Appreciate: to give favorable recognition; to cherish, enjoy, value, understand; to treasure (especially in the marriage vow), to take loving care of, to keep alive (in emotion). We spoke about doing things from the heart. If your husband is not one of your treasures, your heart is not with him. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt. 6:21).

Sometimes when we lose something or temporarily misplace it, we realize how important it is to us. Did it take losing your husband for you to realize what you had? I know it did with me!

How can you help heal your husband spiritually and emotionally? Speak sweetly and gently to your husband whenever the Lord gives you an opportunity to speak to him. “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit” (Prov. 15:4).

This blessing can be yours. “All the days of the afflicted are bad, but a cheerful heart has a continual feast” (Prov. 15:15). If your heart is cheerful, you will draw your husband back home, since he left to find happiness. When he leaves where he is now, will he find joy back in his own home with you and your children?

Here is a caution. Watch what you say about your husband. Shame is an emotional cancer. “An excellent wife is a crown to her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). Rottenness is defined as decay by caries, decay as by worm eating. “In the end she (the harlot) is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” (Prov. 5:4).

A good word. Never talk to your husband about your troubles, fears, or anxiety over his sins (adultery, abuse, alcohol, or drugs), about your finances, or about the impending divorce, since “Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad” (Prov. 12:25). Whenever your husband happens to speak to you, he must leave feeling uplifted, not confronted or downtrodden.

Brings healing. Your tongue can have two opposing effects; which will you choose? “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).

A joyful heart. Have a joyful or a merry heart. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22).

Cheerful face. Let your face show the joy that is in your heart. “A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken” (Prov. 15:13). [Joyful is from the NASB; merry is from the KJV.] Let’s learn more about being joyful and merry. Merry: glad, joyful, rejoicing. Joyful: (to be) a good woman, pleasant, precious, sweet,grateful, agreeable.

Rejoice alwaysIn our circumstances it seems impossible to be happy. How can we possibly be merry or joyful? “Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice” (Phil. 4:4). And when are we to rejoice? “Rejoice always” (1 Thess. 5:16). It’s in Him that we rejoice. This is the most powerful weapon of our spiritual warfare—praising the Lord when adversity comes against us!!

Are you able to do anything without murmuring and complaining? Do you complain, whine, or murmur continually about your situation to others or to your husband? If you do, you are not grateful! “Do all things without murmuring and complaining” (Phil. 2:14).

Have you learned the secret? We may think that in our circumstances we have reason to whine. Instead, we must learn to be content. “. . . for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means . . . and in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need” (Phil. 4:11–12).

Antonyms of Respect are
Scorn, Blame, and/or Censure

Did you scorn your husband? Did you blame him for past failures? Did you censure where he went or what he said? Now is the time to renew your mind. Read and reread this chapter until you’ve worn out the pages and have broken the binding. Make 3x5 cards for every Scripture verse that brought conviction in your spirit. Keep them with you in your purse and read them throughout the day. “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, handling accurately the word of truth” (2 Tim. 2:15).

In conclusion. Let us all first strive to appear wise by keeping silent. Next let us make sure that when we do open our mouths it is with wisdom, kindness, respect, and edification. Let our words be sweet and gentle. Let us be a crown to our husbands in the way we handle this adversity in our lives, which will be precious in the sight of God!

Personal commitment: to open my mouth with wisdom and kindness. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to remain quiet, wait before I answer, and be sweet in my every word. I also commit to demonstrate a respectful attitude toward my husband because of the example it sets for others and the honor it gives to God and His Word.”


If you are ready to make this commitment to GOD, by CLICKING HERE you've agreed, and are ready to document this part of your Restoration Journey in your "My Daily Journal" form.

Also, if you want to be paired with a LIKE-MINDED ePartner after your Rebuilding, be SURE to pour out your heart in EACH Journal.