Santa's Computer Christmas

(A Poem)

by Bob Sojka


It came upon a Christmas clear.
'Twas time for Santa to spread his cheer.
The sled was polished for it's magical ride
and the enchanted red bag was stuffed inside.

As Mrs. Claus scurried she was terribly tired,
and a little bit worried, about the new Elf they'd hired.
He was a spritely soul and smart as could be.
But that wasn't what worried her deeply, you see.

This Elf was a good one, of that she'd no fear.
He'd come with good references from far and from near.
He'd worked for Gnomes and Spirits and Sprites.
Rumor had it, he worked hard and late every night.

He'd apprenticed with Wizards and journeyed with a Dwarf.
He'd schooled with the Brownies in the woods of the North.
He'd trained among Fairies in the land of the fay,
and tutored the Pixies, when they could pay.

But Santa had hired him on his way home last year
while passing over Ireland with his sleigh and reindeer.
He'd acquired his services for merely a song,
and a small pot of gold from an old Leprechaun.

His name was Tambooliocrassuslelfleur
Cadabraprestidigitatusfreelancesoftware.
What made him so special was not only his name,
but because, though an Elf, he made computers his game.

The population explosion and high overhead
had drawn Santa's bankbook down into the red.
He had to get organized, that was for sure,
And old Tam and his computer were seen as the cure.

The past year was amazing. The work was a breeze.
The Elves worked on schedule, no inventory squeeze.
New skymaps were Googled for a more efficient ride,
and accessed from the sleigh's GPS computer inside.

Sunset was approaching it was time to depart.
Mrs. C kissed her husband and blessed his kind heart.
Then Santa turned to give his Elves thanks
for all their hard work and absence of pranks.

The bankbook was solvent again now this year.
He'd bought back the mortgage on the sleigh and reindeer.
His pride and his joy were impossible to hide.
All that was left now was to commence on his ride.

"Now Dasher, Now Dancer..." well, you know the rest.
He shook reins and sleighbells, as the deer did their best.
But nothing would happen.  The sleigh wouldn't go.
What was the matter?  He just didn't know!

He jumped down from his seat and circled around.
He kicked at the sleigh and he kicked at the ground.
He almost uttered a discouraging word.
When a soft electronic beep faintly was heard.

The LCD Screen lit up in the sleigh,
and a message appeared saying "MENU FOR GETTING UNDERWAY."
Santa climbed back in and read from the screen,
the sequence of options that now could be seen.

It seemed that the first thing that one had to do,
was "ENTER ACCESS CODE", so the computer knew it was you.
"Oh that's right!" cried Santa, "Now I remember,
Tam showed me how simple this was... back in November"

"Now what is that code?" asked Santa, looking at Prancer,
Listening for Tam, expecting an answer.
"Santa,"  said Mrs. C, "Tam's gone.  Don't you remember?
He left for vacation on the 23rd of December."

Panic set in!  Santa's Cheeks turned quite rosy.
He rolled up his fist and pounded his nosey.
"Wait a minute.  It's coming.  It's easy.  I recall.
Why, now I remember.  Its just Tam's name.  That's all."

So Santa calmed down and typed through his glove,
the answer to the query in the menu above.
T-A-M he slowly typed, then pressed ENTER and sighed,
but gasped as the screen flashed "ACCESS DENIED."

"Now wait just a darned minute!" he yelled at the screen.
His voice was so angry Rudolf's nose turned light green.
He twisted his beard as Mrs. C approached with a lantern.
"I found some instructions by Tam's tamoshanter."

They read down the note that told what to do.
Check the webcam and Bluetooth link too,
Be sure Skype is loaded on the default disk drive,
so the PC can wireless to the server inside.

Uplink to the satellite once underway.
Keep all the magnetic toys to the back of the sleigh.
Then relax and enjoy your first Yule ride sans care.
Signed, simply, Tambooliocrassuslelfleur 
Cadabraprestidigitatusfreelancesoftware.

"That's it!  His full name was all that we lacked!"
And he typed it in, making mistakes as he hacked.
And he typed it and retyped it, until at great last,
the screen displayed the next menu.  His typing had passed.

The sleigh and the reindeer whooshed off the ground.
In the distance could be heard just one merry sound
as the deer and old Santa flew off into the night,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" ...beep.

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