Victor the Vampire

Victor was born with thick black hair
And eyes of the deepest blue.
His brother and sister loved him so
His mother and father too.

He grew so fast and he talked non-stop.
His laughter was all round the house.
Imagine his mother's shock one day
When she caught him eating a mouse.

She took him upstairs to ask him why
He'd wanted to eat the poor beast.
It's not like we starve you, darling, she said.
Was it really such a good feast?

I'm not sure quite why, he replied with a tear.
It isn't the first time, you know.
Ever since my milk teeth all fell out,
Fresh blood has attracted me so.

And, mum, there's one more thing you should know,
I thought there was something so wrong.
Just look very hard at the teeth I have grown.
Why on earth are the corner ones long?

Oh dear, his mum said, it is just as I feared.
It's your grandfather's fault, not mine.
He was a vampire, one hundred per cent.
You've come from a pretty weird line.

He married a human, and that means his kids
Are only a vampire in part.
It's the boys, not the girls, where the oddness comes out.
But  they don't need a stake through the heart.

You'll have some odd habits, but not all that bad.
And you don't pass it on when you bite,
So all of those people whose blood you drink
Will at worst only get a bad fright.

I was waiting to see what would happen with you,
As the line goes down through the son.
Sometimes, you know, it can vanish outright,
But with you we're going to have fun.

There's another good thing about this, my son.
It means you can go back for more
To someone who's already given you blood.
Each week, the most times is four.

If you do it more often, their blood gets too thin
And you mustn't use the same place.
Avoid bits that show, stick to neck, arm and leg,
But certainly not the face.

When your vampire teeth have at last stopped growing
You're going to want blood more and more.
But you must ensure that some of it's human,
So finding it is a real bore!

It's just as well I've got the right job.
Thank goodness that I am a nurse.
And work all day in a hospital,
Or things could be a lot worse.

So every day, a bottle was brought
Full of blood of the finest kind.
She chose the ones near their use-by date.
She thought that no-one would mind.

But the blood it made his appetite grow.
He got hungrier every day.
The blood she brought him was just not enough.
She had to find a new way.

The hospital blood bank was running out,
And one night they nearly ran dry.
A train crash took place and lots needed blood
Without which they'd certainly die.

So Victor's mum couldn't bring it home..
She knew it was wrong to steal.
But she kept it quiet all these years.
After all, Victor needed a meal.

Now he started to get so thin and bony
And her worrying wouldn't stop
She wondered where she could get more blood.
Then she thought of the butcher's shop.

She went and asked for some blood in a pail,
Said she needed it there and then.
She wanted to make a dozen black puddings
If it worked, she'd do it again.

The butcher said, please, will you come every day
A little before I close.
I've usually got a bucket or two,
As red as the reddest rose.

Next day his mum was over the moon.
She brought Victor two pails of gore.
She poured him out a precious pint.
He downed it and asked for more.

Then Victor grew and grew in strength.
The buckets went to and fro,
But their joy was sadly not to last
As the butcher's shop had to go.

A supermarket set up next door
And took all his clients away.
This source of blood had really dried up,
But Victor had found a new way.

At school, after lunch, the kids were so tired.
And so it was then that they slept.
In rows of camp beds they dozed and dreamed.
So up to them Victor he crept.

The teacher was meant to look after the kids,
But often she'd go to sleep.
So Victor would wait till her eyes shut tight
And her snores showed that she then slept deep.

He'd sink his teeth in their little necks.
Then  suck hard and fill his tum,
And carefully crawl back to his bed 
To dream of feasts to come.

So Victor was fine till he grew some more
And went to a secondary school,
Where lunchtime wasn't a time for rest
And for feeding a crafty ghoul.

He soon found the answer, and it was through sport.
With contact with others the norm.
It was rugby, of course, where biting was common
And not really seen as bad form.

It was hard to keep him out of the scrum.
In summer rugby league kept him fed.
He also went fishing to add to his diet
And would eat fish raw, tail to head.

He still needed more, and he found a way
Dark and handsome, smiling and tall.
The girls they all just loved him so
He had the pick of them all.

Though his deep blue eyes attracted the best,
He was sensible, really no dud.
He only went out with the plumpest girls
Chock full of the freshest blood.

So it won't surprise you all to hear
All his life he lived that way.
A little drop here and a little drop there.
He'd grown up and so had his prey.

So next time you meet somebody new.
Look hard for Victor's sign.
If you see two tiny spots  - or more,
It's where he found somewhere to dine.