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Strange times in Kuantan

posted Aug 13, 2011, 10:07 AM by Low Kian Seong   [ updated Aug 13, 2011, 10:32 AM ]
I am at home now, sitting at the same position that my dad sat all those years ago over looking my mom and me. It feels strange almost eerie to me how times and events seems to repeat. Situations in my life is almost chaotic now when I come back to Kuantan. Mom still looks out of it to me, almost denying life itself. Walks around like a zombie waiting for the moment to come and take the life away from her. Juxtapose that against Dhea whose thirst for life is so great that it's impossible to feel bad around her. Half the house is shutdown and as though in cue, bobo died today with hdd problems, just too tired to get it fixed, knowing that I won't really be using it much, part of me wants to rescue it feeling that rescuing it could somehow resurrect my house from it's dying embers. 

I want to get things right with mom, to at least break out of this cycle that I feel we are in, but I wonder how or what must I do to reach her. Is she so far gone that reaching her would be impossible ? Today as we were cleaning out the tins what she has collected over the span of I think 5 years, it felt as though we were collecting the evidence of her loneliness being alone here all those years. One by one as the bundles of tins we hurled into the car, the years she spent here being alone, I could almost hear or feel as the tins clanged around loudly. 

This is just so strange to me watching her almost disintegrate infront of me, not having a care in life but in a bad way. Instead of climbing up the emotional levels, she is climbing down to helplessness ? I struggle with this. Is it in my power of responsibility to save her? Everyone is acting as though her being in the old folks home is the most natural and best thing. Can't anyone but me see that is not the most ideal thing for her. What must I do to break out of this ? Accept that ?  

I want this to end. I see a future of her being with Dhea and me. Now I must make her see that. Make her see who is waiting for her. The generation after me. Dhea must get to know her grandmother.

Dhea Hannah Low aka DHL

Check out that cheeky face of hers. Some things that I notice that she takes after me is what I coin that "silent stubbornness", she never takes no for an answer and no matter how many times you try to stop her doing something, say for example crawling into the kitchen, turn your back for 30s and you see her right where you told her not to be. Whenever that happens, it always reminds me of the story my mom told me once when I was young she punished me for being bad and told me to stand outside the house hoping that would scare me straight for whatever I did to warrant the punishment (escapes me now), she slammed the door shut on me. 10 minutes later after noticing that there was hardly a whimper from me she opened the door to find her son missing! I was on my way to look for my dad (our house was quite near to my dad's working place, Golden Star last time now which has since turned into 7 Eleven). Funny thing is, to me I was not even thinking about being stubborn, I was just thinking, "Hey if you don't want to see me, I might as well go and look up dad !" I hope that was what I thought, you never know and it surprised me a few times about how leaky our memory could be. 
Low Kian Seong,
Aug 13, 2011, 10:26 AM