Angering the "Twitter Masses" or possibly just screwing with my own head...?

posted 4 Aug 2011, 21:48 by Jess Maher   [ updated 7 Aug 2011, 07:47 ]
From @NZBen "Bloody interesting (if obvious) stats. I wonder what it means for focussed thinking time? "

Twitter must at least have some influence to influence your moods and self talk if its the first thing you do in the morning!


I'm a researcher at heart. It has only been in recent months that I have not had uni papers or research assignments on the go as I did my Post Graduate Honors Dissertation Research in International Business & Human Resources... But my Dad lost it when I got a fail on my "online" submission for my research thesis "The use & integration of Social Networking Sites in NZ SMEs" which also featured a Wiki, interactive segment and guided submission to go along with the traditional written version.. Telling me it was "just not good enough" he wanted to talk to my lecturers. Hehe I explained to him, I think the were probably fair in doing it dad, I tried to cram too much in and my mentor was rather vauge and unhelpful with his commentary so it likely my own fault. He still wanted to talk to my lecturers obviously and clearly there was no chance I was going to let him.

But in the months building up to his death, for some reason- he tended to call most days and we would be speaking rather regularly.. and the dynamic between us had changed for some reason, which I am ovbiously aware of but coming to terms with I guess, he would call me when he couldn't work out what to do, "so I have a question?" - see I always had questions... I just did not realise what that meant for me.. my Dad was the same, but he something, in fact, many pieces of the puzzle that I had not considered-or been made aware off... And I well, I didn't want to be told what to do. But I had become uset to being the cause of the "problem" or at blame for the ills in my immediate short term history especially and it really didn't make sense to me... until very recently! And I am embarrased to admit to myself what I have managed to do to myself and my family and friends through this process and am still, and I imagine for a long time to come, still apologizing for what was undoubtly the biggest fuck up in my life time yet! And hopefully it will be forever for that matter... Unless I'm in the habit of wanting to always do this- which I'm certain I don't!

Dad always told me he "it" was about shock and awe.. when he died, I felt the need to help my mum through what we all knew was going to be for all of us an incredibly difficult process, but my Mum & Sister and all other extended family are overseas and I just wanted to have something intereum, like something to "throw myself into" however I did not mean it quite as literally as it turned out... I always felt the need to push the boundaries and rebel whatever it was my Dad and Mum said to me as a kid, but when Dad died the expectations became obviously changed as my Mum became the leader of the house hold so to speak. I just tried to do something positive to "pick" some kind of problem bigger than me that James & I could collectively try and solve in some way.. "it" became how to protect and prepare teenagers and children for the threats that faced them online... after having a family friend come to me with issues they where having, I attempted to facilitate or at least organise a "workshop" of other people working in the area and/or were parents themselves. Four people turned up (two of whom were friends of my Da's - including my Godfather who happened to be around at the time- and a someone else from the industry that one of them had brought along, then another lady whom was part of a computer business locally and who wrote weekly safety tips for parents in a email mailer format.

But by the time I got to Social Media Club with the politicians on the panel, and seemingly had managed to get the conversation to at least at some level, influenced by talk of values and protecting youth.. well I started to get iratic and increasingly frustrated... that is when my iPad problem and Twitter Addiction really kicked in (along with my over active imagination which kind of kicked in my fear induced mainia/ stupid pot-brain idea!) The moment I felt I agreed to "play the role" of someone who I had fictionally created as being the "reason" for doing this... it was someone like me, around the same age, maybe even on of the girls who I had gone too school with back in the day, probably one who was already a mum, someone who I knew off and had known at one point in time, but at a time when I was not "myself" as I see myself to be today as I sent my "loci" outside myself... making the judgement of what I had done or was thinking of doing, so way removed from myself, maybe as a subconcious need to be able to excuse myself- I threw myself out and hoped the "I" would find its way back, but its only now that a long series of stories, all as much more complex and entwined with the next would be to follow, and not ones I found interesting but ones I felt would have some relativity or influence/involvement from my end.. I went about trying to understanding how to best prepare the world for the "hell raiser" kids that James & I hope to one day have which we are no doubt going to need what help there is around for us at the time...

While we pick up the pieces of our lives together now it seems my "Im all over the show and need a problem to solve so I smashed a whole in the world" thing, and try to stay off the internet all the time, but particularly when I am angry myself... I am going back to the script I wrote all those months ago and asked Shizzi's awesome parents if she could help me with and the script I wrote one evening in the darkness. when I do all my best work of course, from the bed also- maybe I should change my professional...? I do feel owned already so maybe that would be the best thing to do, staying off line of course, however I think in my "offline life" I have been talking about this damn tattoo I finally am going to get as an ode to China... We found it at the Science & Technology Museum in China... right next to the Earthquake Machine - its authenticity is part of the sheer beauty of things one possess in life ... Im not 100% of the transluation, but I'd say its something close to "Pain is my friend, it lets me know I am still alive" maybe slightly sadistic to some, I felt this was the perfect fit to me and the context for which I see it signifys...

From the Memorial Site for Grahame Maher at

Some people have misinterpreted that I concieve it to stand as a reminder that I should live my life or act in the way my Dad would have given himself in the same context or situation. What they fail to recognize is that while a reminder of just how awesome and incredible the impact my Dad managed to achieve in his life time, that is not to say that I mean it to be transferable or directly related to my life as a result. I continue to miss my Dad on a daily, if not at times hourly or what seems almost sometimes, continuous & ongoing basis in my day to day life - but what  many people seem to overlook in this context, given the tragic & sadness intrinsic to this & others "stories" is just how beautiful the whole "issue" is in the first place..  Dad had many great interviews and quotes from his work while he was alive that I could reference here have already been posted on the Facebook page, "memorial" website of sorts I created or somewhere else online in his memory...