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“It’s the woman who chooses the man who will choose her” – Anonymous
If you want to get a second date with a fantastic woman you’ve got to give up the “me” show. Far too many men continually blow their chances at the starting gate by feeling they’ve got to “sell” themselves to women, often going so far as to list out their good qualities and accomplishments in hopes the woman will be impressed. Guess what? She isn’t. For those of you who were awake during Freshman English class we learned a very important rule not only about writing, but relationships as well and that’s the golden rule of “show don’t tell”.
Don’t brag, don’t boast, don’t list accomplishments, and for heaven’s sake don’t continually take up all the conversation space. I don’t care how lonely and bored and horny you are. I don’t care how proud you are of your job, your car, or your golf swing. Women weren’t put on the planet to be the spectators of your life so chill man, have some self-control!
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Yeah I know it’s stressful. Yeah I know it may have been a long time, or never. I know it’s tough to hold back when you find yourself in the company of an attractive woman who’s focusing her beautiful blue/brown/green eyes just on you. You feel yourself relaxing and opening up and it’s been so long since you’ve felt this way that you talk and talk and talk or write and write and write and…
Trust me, it’s in your own selfish best interest to keep a lid on it. Women are constantly sizing up a man’s “partnering appeal”. She’s reading your emails and watching your behavior and from that she’s sizing up not only whether she’d ever like to introduce you to her parents, but also just how you’d rate in bed. If you’re all about you all of the time where does that leave her? In her mind it leaves her without an orgasm. That’s right, a woman figures if a man is selfishly self centered in a mere conversation there’s a big chance he’ll be the same way in the sack. And she may be right. Not because you mean to be selfish, you don’t but it’s just because, well, it’s all so fucking amazing when you finally get there that you just want to explode.
Too bad. You still have to keep a lid on it. Women want respect and affection in a relationship. They want to be listened to and know that you’re taking them and their needs seriously. Too many men (good men who mean well) either think a sexy attractive woman must have the world on a string so she doesn’t need any more attention than the fact he wants to date her, or he plans on focusing all his attention on this woman just as soon as he’s finished telling her every last impressive, exciting thing that’s ever happened to himself so she’ll be duly impressed. By this time, however, the woman is usually gone.
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Recently a female friend of mine met a man at a club and they exchanged cards. They agreed to go to a movie in the not-too-distant-future. But the guy blew it. He made it the “me” show. He wrote to her and asked that she review a clip on his website and give him feedback without ever mentioning that he’d taken in the fact that she’s a writer and had a website of her own – though he had to have read the card in order to get her email. What might seem like a really silly innocent mistake to you shows her that he’s too caught up in his own game to really be interested in what she’s about. She’s learned the hard way that if a man starts out all about himself he usually stays that way.
Here’s the deal, you can’t decide based on a woman’s appearance who she is – you have to find out straight from the babe’s mouth. Here’s where the “showing” I talked about starts coming into play. You need to show her you can sit still, listen and actually hear what she’s saying (or in some cases writing) to you. You’ve got to show her you’re a gentleman and know how to hold great “two-way” conversations. You’ve got to show her you know how to make her feel comfortable, and that you know how to ask questions to draw her out and get her to tell you interesting things about herself.
This method is also for self preservations guys, because let’s face it, there are some great looking women out there that after we scratch the surface of we find we want no part of. Too many of us have found ourselves in relationships with hot but shallow, or hot but mean women by our own stupidity. Think of listening first as a great investment. Listen first and you’ll find out if you really want to spend more time with her. Listen first, and if you do, chances are she will as well.
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But again, conversations are a two way street. Great conversations are never when one person does all the talking and the other sits their nodding in agreement but totally silent. Learning how to ask good questions is an art within itself. Most of the late night talk show hosts don’t ask great questions (they’re there for the laugh, or controversy, not the connection), but the crew at 60 Minutes, Diane Sawyer, Oprah Winfrey and of course Barbara Walter’s are. Watch them and learn.
Learn to ask questions that show you’re up on what’s going on in the world, up on culture, music and other things that might interest her. Ask about the books she reads, the movies she sees, and the television she watches. Ask if she remembers her dreams or what she wanted to be as a child “when she grew up”. Ask the questions you wish someone would ask you.
Learn also to use body language to show even greater interest. Ask for her to clarify something she said that you don’t quite understand. Hold her eye contact for at least three beats at a time, and lean a bit forward on the table to show with your body language that you’re interested in both her and what she’s saying. Trust me, if she’s opening up to you and leaning forward as well, you’re going to get that second date.
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