RESPONSIBILITY 

Know that it wasn’t your fault. And know it wasn't anybody's fault.

Know that nothing you could have done or not done would have prevented any problem associated with being a child of parent(s) with a mental illness  in the first place or prevented any escalation of a chaotic home atmosphere.

Personal responsibility for surviving will ensure you’re thriving

SAFETY

The fear of experiencing your own feelings can keep you trapped. If a feeling, thought, or memory arises then look at it fully, be with it, experience it with open curiosity (as much as you safely can), talk about it safely and it will eventually lose its negative power over you. However, if there is any serious risk of any type of harm to yourself, others, or property, then you may have an obligation to seek professional help. Safety is a priority.

INNER-WISDOM

Re-interpreting pain comes with self awareness. When you were a child the emotional pain was connected to your particular stage of development. You may have felt helpless and vulnerable. That is because you were! But now as an adult you don’t need to remain helpless and vulnerable anymore. But the pain does not necessarily go away instantly. It needs some kind of re-interpretation by an "inner-carer" within you. This means adopting an inner wisdom that only you might fully understand and which works for you. Good therapy can facilitate this process.

LONELINESS

Nobody can own your problem and that can be unbearably lonely. However finding kind listeners, good friends, a good therapist, i.e. various people who are supportive is a good start in sharing this burden of extreme loneliness and isolation.

However, nobody can fully share the burden of your problem – it belongs solely to YOU. Although this is part of the loneliness experienced it can also be a relief knowing that it's o.k. that your feelings are not fully understood  or even comprehended by others.

Know that you can do many things to help yourself and alleviate loneliness therapeutically rather than in any dysfunctional way.

ILLUSIONS

Be prepared. Hope dies slowly, painfully, often drawn out as adults who were children of parents with a mental illness desperately desire their parent to bear some semblance to normality - even for short moments. Such false hopes can continue for a long time. This is due to complex factors depending on absence or presence of intra-family and external supports and other inner and outer resources. Your  capacity for  life-time disenfranchised grief work will be tested.

ALWAYS remember that you are or were a child of parent(s) with a mental illness so you don’t slip into the illusion that you are something else as you would only be disappointed, or worse -- misled. Remembering your history and the environment with which you grew up means keeping personal expectations in balance with self awareness. This is about being mindful with an eye to meeting tailored needs in a personal way. For this, the support of a caring listener and/or a professional can come in handy.

Answer the question, "what do I hope for myself?" Then seek help and support to achieve that which you hope for yourself.

SELF-BELIEF

Do not expect any “expert” out there to necessarily know how to help you or even be able to begin to identify a trauma response or reaction when it comes up. Some survivors are very good at being camouflaged. This means that by being an intelligent, sensitive person -- perhaps a successful person in life or a  successful professional -- might serve to have others not easily identify (distort or believe) that what happened actually did happen. Remember, being believed is more important than being understood. 

The belief, understanding, and respect of your unique and personal experience by any of your friends, family and loved ones will be rare – so get used to that. It’s a tough and very complex position to be in and individuals might even feel threatened by the prospect that you might be accurate with your feelings. Self-belief is critical.

TRIGGERS

Know and identify the triggers. Put (written or verbal) words to them. Sometimes people find it useful to engage in art or music. In writing your thoughts start small with just a word or phrase. To write it down is to document something that is significant to you. It is a start to putting it out there either for just yourself to see or for others to see. It must be remembered that safety is paramount. Whatever you express needs to be confidential or respected by whoever witnesses your expressions. 

Avoid social problems by increasing self-awareness. For example, being an extrovert, being withdrawn, having obsessive compulsive tendencies within a relationship, needing to be reassured that you are liked, accepted, loved, or self-sacrificing.

Become aware of methods you have adopted as a way of compensating for the lack of ‘normal’ parenting, e.g. high achievements as a pre-requisite to feeling O.K. in the world.  Or, underachieving because of perceived fears or threats.  Don't be shy about seeking professional help or support regarding this matter.

FEELINGS

Recognise you do (or will) feel like an “orphan” sometimes. Life growing up didn't go swimmingly. Chances are you were an “orphan” even BEFORE you were even born. One or two parents with a mental illness means as “parents” they were emotionally unavailable to you (or to siblings). Consequences are more devastating long term if this goes unacknowledged by you (and/or important others). 

Recognise your anger. Know the signs, triggers, real boundaries of the situation (i.e. who owns which problem), and act accordingly ONLY IF THIS IS SAFE (including safe psychologically or emotionally). Assertively (not aggressively) let the other know their behaviour is not acceptable. And even when this doesn't always have the desired effect, forgive yourself and know you've done the right thing, a good thing, the best possible given the circumstances. Even people with mental illness need to have limits sometimes. (Dr Irene’s website http://www.drirene.com/contents.htm offers further guidance).

CURIOSITY 

Find ways of reducing lingering states of anxiety  - safely experiment. Anxiety can be manifested in all sorts of ways.  Best to consult a therapist who can handle any resulting anxieties. Begin by being curious about the self as subject.

Live with mystery. There is a lot of uncertainty associated with having been a child of parent(s) with a mental illness. This is one reason why anxiety is associated with such survivors. The capacity to embrace mystery whether done via the arts, religion/philosophy, the sciences, or any safe way might prove fruitful.

TRUST

Lessons on trust are never ending. Trust is a premium – beginning with trust of the self.  Hopefully this point adequately speaks for itself. 

SURVIVOR-GUILT

Beware of “Survivor Guilt”. It looms large in families where one member is emotionally healthier or stronger and might be displaying signs of not entering into the culture of abuse or “madness” in all of its multiple forms. Resisting this culture may bring on insecure feelings of "not belonging" - especially if the family system imposes rejecting labels on you such as, "selfish" (actually this would be a good sign as it indicates you're looking after yourself). Remain firm and steadfast.

KINDNESS 

Accepting another person’s empathy might be challenging – but is an experience worth investing in. Accepting empathy might mean acknowledging much more than what is received. Being in touch with this can be therapeutic.  Kindness might feel (initially) uncomfortable. It's good medicine. Get used to it. Learn to enjoy such emotional comforts.

DEPRESSION

Depression is insidious because it sometimes exists at a low level, often lingering just below the seam of ordinary life. Depression is not always a bad thing. Some authors have written about positive aspects of this state, e.g. see books by Dorothy Rowe.

FEARS

Fears – even nightmares and "daymares"  sometimes sets the tone for that day. Learn to not let them be your dictator. Seek help rather than remain alone with this. 

SOLITUDE 

Not  knowing the difference between isolation and solitude is a danger. Solitude is the bread of existence. We all need some solitude. Isolation is not the bread of existence. People don't usually choose to be isolated.  It is usually imposed. You have choice. Choose solitude not isolation.

BOUNDARIES

Learn all about boundaries. Flashbacks of needs unmet (or unmeant) can set you back for a while e.g. a glimpse of a nurturing mother-daughter relationship in a gym change room reminded Henrietta of something she never had and always longed for. This triggered a pang in her heart and she felt angry and sad at the same time. Yet she didn’t take it out on others during the course of that day because she knew where this feeling came from and how to put a boundary between what belonged to her and what belonged to others. 

THE BODY REMEMBERS

The embodiment of the emotional and psychological pain and trauma experienced in childhood can potentially be held in your body across the life-span. This needs to be acknowledged. And importantly dealt with in a healthy and careful way. Getting a full physical health check with your doctor may be the best way to start. But it is only a start. The rest is a lifelong commitment to monitoring, self-regulating, understanding, and maintaining the health of your body. Learn about your body and what it needs to keep well.

HELP-SEEKING

If this website was bottled it would carry the warning, “Do Not Do This Work Alone”. Most adults who were children of parent(s) with a mental illness (especially high functioning ones) believe they don’t need anybody’s help. This is not always true. Help is often required – even if not obvious and even if it comes from a few caring/listening friends. Finding an appropriate professional to work with and/or a supportive group of like-minded people can be helpful (check section "Useful Websites").

Decide to seek help in the following areas according to your current needs: 

• Physical
• Emotional
• Psychological
• Social
• Spiritual
• Grief & Loss
• Educational
• Cultural
• Financial
• Political
• Environmental
• Existential
• Phenomenological

See below for other pages - just click on topic:

• Surviving Parents With Mental Illness
  
• Tasks
• Grief & Loss
• Useful Websites 
• Reader Feedback
• References

Last Modified: 25th October, 2008.