RICE NERD CABINET MINUTES:

A BOX FULL OF TARP

Is what I have to carry upstairs. Secretaries get no respect.

MIMI CALLS ROLL

She starts by calling “Boner,” to which Alex responds “Here.” Then she says “Socials,” “External VP,” and so on. Therefore, Bonnel’s official position is Wiess Boner. As the King of France (see last week’s minutes), this troubles me.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Patricia Ladd says the Wiess garage sale will take place from 2 to 5 in the commons on Tuesday. She also says it is for selling small things. Ashten asks if we can sell couches, and Patricia says yes, but that we can’t bring the couches into the commons, only pictures of the couches. She then says that the money we makes goes to us, not Wiess. This makes me happy – I like money. This makes Travis less happy – as the minutes will shortly point out, everyone wants his money.

There is going to be a super amazing cartoon fest at the Masters’ house on Saturday from 10:30 to 12:30. It will feature breakfast goodies and nostalgia.

Christa will have a tye-dye study break next week at some point. She says that she was going to have it on Wednesday, but then someone decided to have coffeehouse night on Wednesday. Then she glares at Jacob. Jacob takes Christa’s hatred as a cue to get up and announce that Coffeehouse will be next Wednesday from 8-10. There will be free food and performances and coffee. Bonnel helpfully points out that coffeehouse night is not tonight.

BUDGET

Travis says that he’s zeroed out the budget. I initially imagine Travis going on a mad crazy spending spree with all of Wiess’s money until there’s none left, thus zeroing the budget. He then clarifies this means that he’s moved around money so that we don’t have any more negative budget items. I like my first idea better.
Travis also says that if you want to be on the appropriations committee, you should talk to him and he’ll make all your dreams (of being on the appropriations committee) come true. E-mail Travis (tbm@rice.edu) if you’re interested.
Mimi declares “Now we reject the budget.” So that’s good.

JEREMY LOOKS HOT TODAY

BC points out that Jeremy also looks more intelligent. This is because he’s not actually Jeremy, even though that’s what the agenda says. He’s Ashten, who’s filling in for Jeremy. Ashten has a list of things that Jeremy wants her to read – He wants to open the sports rep budget to buy keys for the sports cabinet, a clipboard, tennis balls, and goalie gloves so that people can play sports during the first week of classes. This is allowed.

FAKE JEREMY WON’T GO AWAY

S/He also wants to open the powderpuff budget to buy a new football because three of ours have been stolen. Ashten points out that we won’t get footballs stolen anymore once we buy these, because we have a nifty lockable cabinet. I point out that the cabinet is next to the candy machine, which has been consistently empty this semester. If the candy board of directors doesn’t step their game up next year, people will die. Of sadness. Due to lack of candy.

SEGUE FROM CANDY-RELATED THREATS BACK TO CABINET

There is no money in the powderpuff budget. Everyone at cabinet feels the need to express that we can’t buy footballs with no money. Jeremy says that there will be money once Travis and Jason correct some spending errors, but Travis says that there probably aren’t errors, and Jeremy is making things up. Cabinet decides that Travis is more trustworthy than Jeremy, so it is decided that Jeremy can only buy footballs if there is money. Alternatively, he can embarrass himself in the commons during lunchtime to raise money (this is an actual proposal).

COLLEGE NIGHT

Ellie and Becca want to open the college night budget to buy “a lot of stuff.” People are skeptical, so they elaborate that they want to buy mud, soap, and tattoos. They are given permission to do this. They then open the alcohol budget to get many kegs.
Ellie and Becca also have a problem: Wiess wants linens for college night dinner, but H&D is charging money for linens now. I think the easiest solution to this problem is violent revolt, but then again, that’s my solution to every problem. They say that H&D is being accommodating in that they’re only charging us $2 per linen instead of $5. Mimi says “I’ve heard that one before.” BC asks where she heard that. She doesn’t answer.
It is ultimately decided to give Ellie and Becca $80 for tablecloths, and if H&D wants more money, we won’t give it to them. Based on the tablecloths that we had at college night, I assume that this plan worked out. It is also decided that we will form a committee to investigate whether it’s cheaper to buy our own linens.
Ellie and Becca have another problem: H&D wants to charge for OC students. Bo says that OC students should work security to pay off their meals. BC says that H&D is being ridiculous. Cabinet decides that since some on campus students won’t be at dinner, there might be some way to negotiate around this. I had dinner yesterday, so apparently there was.

JACOB PFLUG IS QUICK

He opens his budget for coffeehouse night.

WIESS DAY

Jocelyn begins by announcing that she’s bought a 40’X60’ tarp, but cabinet doesn’t need to pay for it. I question why I had to carry the tarp upstairs, and vow to make Jocelyn’s life miserable. Bo then comes up, and he and Jocelyn have some hasty secret negotiations with Travis. I view this as a great chance to eat a delicious Rice Krispie Treat, which Officer Ruth brought in.
After the negotiations, Bo says that Baker normally buys 400 lbs of crawfish, but since we’re just testing out this whole crawfish thing, we’re only opening the budget for 300 lbs. This will still cost $700. Becky opens the alcohol budget for “crawfish crawfish yum yum.”
Bo then announces that the associate is going to come and start the crawfish boil at 2 pm on Wiess day, and that everyone who wants to can come watch and learn how to boil crawfish.

THIS IS COOLER THAN EVERYTHING ELSE

Roque and Arin claim to have noticed that some of the OC students have started a colony on the acaglider. They cite Travis, Andre, and Margay as examples. Someone points out that Margay is an imposter OC student. Given the glamorous sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll lifestyle that most of us OC students adopt, I can understand why Margay wishes she was OC. Who knows? Someday, she may be. Don’t give up on the dream, Margay.
To better provide for the OC students, Roque and Arin have designed a solar-powered system to provide lights on the acaglider at night. Both sides of the acaglider can be lighted independently of each other, and this can all be done for the low price of $240. Since science is cool, Cabinet approves this purchase and Roque says they will “Order stuff tonight.” Becky adds the caveat that they cannot provide a solar-powered toilet for the OC students, no matter how much they might want to.

THEN WHERE WILL THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM, BECKY?

Bet you didn’t think about that.

I WASN’T EXPECTING JEREMY TO CARE ABOUT CLEAN LAUNDRY


And I was right – Ashten comes in front of Cabinet, and announces that she is actually Ashten this time. Therefore, she is also the Laundry rep, and like Obama, she has some sweeping change that she wants to implement. Unlike Obama, the main point of her change is more baskets. People are very big fans of this idea, and it is determined that the laundry budget for next year can be used to hopefully get more baskets.
Ashten also wants a corkboard so people can post lost socks. This idea has much less support. I disapprove because if you pin socks to a board, then they will have holes in them. Kristen suggests giving all of the freshmen the same socks, so that it doesn’t matter whose socks you have because they’ll fit anyway. This idea receives some support, until the ghost of Harry Carothers Wiess enters cabinet and calls us all “Dirty, dirty Commies.” Cowed by his accusation, we decide sharing is anti-American and move on.
The final change that Ashten wants is an online system so that we can monitor whether any machines are currently taken. This really excites Emily Salomon, who then proceeds to talk about how she used to go to a school with this system and it was the only thing that she liked at that school. It is resolved that we should look into this.

SA PARTY

Rachel Liontas says that the SA is having their senators give updates to cabinet, so she’ll be doing this every week from here on out, but she’ll “make it quick and we don’t have to hate it.” Truer words have never been spoken.
The south college construction is going to proceed as planned except there will be no common servery built between Will Rice and Lovett because it turns out that you need money to build a servery.
On a more terrifying note, there are currently two new plans for having an earlier end to morning classes on Tuesday and Thursday, both of which are displayed on the SA website. Bonnel says that option 1 is the better choice. BC then blows everyone’s minds by revealing “the truth:” the Faculty Whoever’sinchargeofthis are planning to eventually institute lunchtime Tuesday-Thursday classes. Mike is not pleased by this news. Nor am I.
Also, bike registration will be necessary next year, so register your bikes or else they will be taken, even if they are locked. Officer Ruth jumps in on this, and says that we should take our bikes over the summer or else H&D will take them to RUPD. She also says that even if we have a U-Lock, they call in “Tommy the Torch Guy,” who will blowtorch through your U-Lock and then give your bike to RUPD.
The fact that we didn’t secede from the SA this year is mentioned. Bonnel says that Patrick is legitimizing the SA to the point where Bonnel didn’t even fall asleep during the last SA meeting. He also says that the SA apparently charges us when we secede. Undeterred, we decide to secede next year, but not to tell the SA about it.

JEREMY CAVES!

Jeremy Caves gets up in front of cabinet, and everyone bursts into applause and cheering for a very long time (this actually happened). He then announces that after 6 months of long, tortuous negotiations with H&D, we have new recycling bins on the side of Wiess without a stairwell. He also announces that we have $80.01 left in the environmental budget, and that he wants to use it to buy more recyclers, because apparently people keep stealing them.
Jeremy has one final request – to use the community service budget to plant wildflowers in the big gulley/mudpit next to Wiess and the powerstation. People seem on edge about this, because people hate flowers. Also, there is going to be a path plowed through there to go to the new fancy BRC, but eventually Cabinet decides to plant flowers anyway.
Kelly Ididn'tcatchherlastname attempts to make a motion to plant flowers, and is summarily ubangeed. Jeremy then announces that she is the new Wiess ecorep, so her eagerness can be forgiven.

MIKENOUNCEMENTS

Mike begins by reiterating that there is going to be a path built from the corner of Wiess around the track stadium to the BRC (that’s the Biosciences Research Collaborative/Buildin Ruiningtrafficonthe Cornerofgreenbriarandmain, for those of us who are acronymly challenged). Roque says that the path will be elevated. I picture a glass-enclosed skyway, and if there isn’t one next year I will hold Roque personally responsible.
Mike then announces that as they’re tearing out parking spaces in South Lot due to construction, there are plans to make Alumni drive one way and allow for parking on one side of it. He’s not sure which way it’s going to go.
Finally, Mike says that plans are in motion to maybe start building a new Wiess masters’ house. Jocelyn takes this as an opportunity to interrupt Mike with a long, convoluted history lesson that I don’t feel like typing because it’s too long. You can e-mail her for the details (Jocelyn.A.Wright@rice.edu <mailto:Jocelyn.A.Wright@rice.edu>), they’re really fascinating and I highly suggest that everyone ask her for them. The new Masters’ house should be in the green space in front of the old masters’ house, with the eventual goal of moving H&D into the Hanszen Masters’ house, the Hanszen Masters to the current Wiess Masters’ house, and the Wiess Masters into their new house. Becky offers to 6 man with Mike and Denise while their house is being built.
Mike has one final secret: The new Masters’ House will be LEED certified, probably LEED platinum (for those who are acronymly challenged, LEED stands for Super Environmentally Friendly). Jeremy Caves starts crying.

DON’T WORRY

He’s crying happy tears.

SEAT OF SHAME

Jacob gets into the trash can and pretends to be Dhruv. Everyone immediately wants to know why the commons is so cold. JacobDhruv has no answers for them. Instead, he requests $40 to buy spackle so that he can fix holes in peoples’ rooms so that H&D doesn’t fine them for it. Bonnel and Becky point out that people should buy their own spackle. So no money for Dhruv.

Bo needs $350 to rent a bus for the senior pub crawl that is coming up. He asks for it out of alcohol, and he gets it, provided that the only legitimate alternative is having freshmen drive the drunken seniors around for a night in a last-ditch effort to get their service points.

Arin does not get into the trash can and pretends to be Joel. She wants $242.40 out of the bike budget to buy a toolbox that was budgeted for. I question why they didn’t buy the toolbox before Beer Bike, since it was budgeted for and Beer Bike already happened. But then again, I’m not one for bike repairs, given that I found my bike in a dumpster (which did not prevent it from being stolen. Register your bikes!). She gets the money.

Matt Sorenson wants to open the Movie room budget for $150 for a new DVD player, as the DVD player has been broken for a while. No one seems to have noticed that the DVD player is broken, given that no one is totally sure how to operate the Movie room. He is given the money.

Officer Ruth says that everyone should come to Rice Fest tomorrow in the grand hall from 11-3. There will be lots of free stuff, including a cookie bouquet. I didn’t know that they made flowers out of cookies. Apparently I have a lot to learn.

CABINET ADJOURNED!

TFW,

Dan "If you're going to make me carry heavy objects for no reason, be prepared to reap the consequences" Nelson