She gave Jeremy one of those auction fans. And he won’t stop paddling me with it. The things I have to go through to bring you guys these minutes. ATTENDENCE IS TAKEN Mimi forgets about Matt Sorenson and Joe Dwyer. Matt yells “What the Hell? Here!” Joe announces that he is here as well. Also, someday people will stop singing that song about... ANNOUNCEMENTS Tiffany says that there will be a tennis match and a home football game this weekend. She says that there is going to be tailgating, body paint, and parents. Why we want to get our parents drunk and paint them, I don’t know. Laura Bargalow says that there will be two associate things on October 3^rd . Because I can see into the future, I predict that one of them will be canceled, but movie screening in the commons with pizza is still a go. Jacob Pflug announces the One-Acts! They are Thursday and Friday at 8 and Saturday at 10. Prices are $5 for non-rice people and $3 for rice people and $free on Saturday for Wiessmen. Huda announces that anyone who wants can participate in the MSA’s fast-a-thon on October 3^rd to fight hunger. POW! Take that, hunger! PATCHES O’HOOLIHAN Is from Dodgeball. Bonnel, however, is concerned with different patches. Namely, the patches that he wants us to know we should buy, because they are Wiess Crest Patches! Buy them. IRRELEVANT ANNOUNCMENT Not that Jon Endean doesn’t matter, but he says that everyone who wants to sign up for freshman basketball has to talk to him tonight. It’s not tonight anymore, so if you didn’t talk to him and want to play, tough. JK! Talk to him anyway. Also, Erin Waller has a similar announcement to make about soccer. CHECK IT OUT! Abie and Jae are Wiess Community service reps. They’re going to send out e-mails about how we can do community service! LOOK AT OUR MONEY! Because we have a lot of it. Specifically, $80,000. We all clap at how rich we are. Travis announces that we’ve decided to take most of our spare $80,000 and invest it in Rice’s endowment. He also announces that we have the ability to withdraw pretty much as much or as little of our money as we want to at the beginning of each year, which is good. ROBOTS Can do many things, but they can never love. Or be creative. So it’s a good thing that none of us are robots, because we’ve established the Wiess Creativity Fund! How it works, according to Travis, is that we come up with cool ideas to pimp out Wiess with the $2,000 in the fund, and then we tell him, and then if Cabinet approves, said ideas get carried out. TAIWAN! Celestine wants to use $100 to help the Rice Taiwanese Association throw it’s Night Market, which involves lots of free food and goodies and Asian culture. Everyone gives her the money except Adrian, who appears to be outraged. Jeremy and Jacob, in turn, are outraged by Adrian, who is not being the best cultural that he can be at the moment. MARATHON! Laura Bargalow is going to run a marathon, even though her leg appears to be in a cast. The level of badassness that this requires is slightly terrifying. She demands that we give her one million dollars, and we give it to her out of fear. AUCTION BREAK 1: TIKE Someone has placed a fan blowing up at the fellows to be auctioned. This is mildly inconvenient, as they’re all wearing skirts. Even the guys. Tiffany and Mike, first to be auctioned, offer an evening of fun, food, and movie rentals at Mike’s place OC. Joe takes a brief moment before the bidding begins to establish that yes, we do in fact have to pay this money in real money. Dejected, I put my stash of monopoly money away. After a lengthy bidding war involving phone conversations, Gabi ends up buying them for $40. NOD WOOOOO Molly and Charlie need to open their budget for NOD so that they can have money for to buy stuff. We allow them to do so. Also, they announce that there’s a NOD decorations committee, and if you like Disney, Porn, or a combination of the two, you should check it out. WHO KNEW?... ...Wiess Freshmen can get service points by making paper-mache genitalia! That’s right, freshmen: join the decorations committee and get your service points out of the way. Also, if that’s not your cup of tea, then you should do NOD security! Molly and Charlie say it’s a good time. Travis asks people if he had a good time at NOD security, because he can’t remember. MOLLEV! Molly and Sev offer up their services in a two-part deal. Part 1: Sev will grill and dance for you on the night before NOD at his house. The dancing will be, at a minimum, quite sexy. Part 2: 4 NOD tickets and t-shirts. Jeremy says something about this, and we tell him to shut up. As retaliation for this, he then bids $50 and buys Molly and Sev. He then announces that he needs friends. MORE SERVICE Effie and Alisher reiterate that Freshmen need to give Wiess 4 service hours. If not, then you’ll get fined $15 per hour. So that’s kind of lame. They promise to keep all of the freshmen posted about opportunities. CAROLHAM Graham and Caroline, when purchased, will take you and your friends out bowling, after which you’ll reconvene in their room for milk and cookies. They both emphasize that “milk and cookies” is _not_ a euphemism – there will literally be milk and cookies. Bidding action: Kait bids 30, Jordan Bunch bids $35, Kait bids $40, Jordan bids $45 and tells Kait he will bury her, Kait bids $50, Jordan bids $55 and then grabs Kait and a shovel and runs off into the night. WHERE’S STUART? Not at cabinet. PANS Erin Waller and Jae are kitchen reps. They list all the types of pans that the kitchen has in excruciating detail, ending with “and pans for everything.” Which is kind of redundant. They also clarify that the kitchen that you cook in is the third floor kitchen, unless by “cook”, you mean “not play beer pong, because that would violate the alcohol policy.” They want to buy a mixer someday, but they don’t ask for money for it. TRALISSA Travis and Melissa are also offering a two-part package. Part 1: Melissa will make you an awesome 4-course dinner at her house, while Travis dances sexily. He says that he’ll preview the sexy dance if you bid more than $1000. Part 2: You can use Travis’ car whenever he’s not using it. Like, WHENEVER. Roque wants to know if that includes the backseat. Bidding comes to a stall at $40, and then Bonnel says “Dan?” APPARENTLY, SOMEONE BID MORE THAN $1000 Because at this moment Travis previews his sexy dance. Because of this, I bid $45. Sadly, Emily Viehman bids $50 and takes Travis. YOU’VE BROKEN MY HEART, EMILY Into a million pieces. GOLDENROD Is what everyone who’s standing up is wearing right now. Jon Endean announces that there’s going to be a beer bike study break for biking and chugging on October 5^th . Because study breaks need food (read: Chick-fil-A), they open the Beer Bike budget for $200. Matt forgets to abstain. Today is a sad day. MIMIBOX Mimi and Mailbox offer to throw a birthday or half-birthday party for whoever buys them, as well as three late-night trips to Whataburger. Brett, Becky, and Caroline all buy them together for $25. So I guess they’ll be throwing three birthday parties. JEREMY IS FAST He gets up to ask to open the powderpuff and sports budgets. Before he fully explains what he needs, Bonnel says “They’re open. GET OUT!” Instead of being scared out of the room, Jeremy takes this as a cue to go to pub. KOXY Kurt and Roxy are going to take people on a picnic in Hermann park, including an epic paddle-boat race, complete with gunfire and explosions. Kait, who has managed to unbury herself, buys the trip for $20. WILLY WONKA Is fictional. Sorry. However, Zach Strickland may as well have an army of little orange men, as he’s brought us candy! Specifically, the candy in the candy machine. As such, he wants to be reimbursed the $203 that he spent. We give him the money, provided that he looks into purchasing a chocolate river. BECHEN Becky and Stephen are selling memberships in the Becky and Stephen sexy gift club, wherein they put a sexy gift in your mailbox and the mailboxes of your friends every day for a week. The gifts are, of course, surprises, which makes them sexier. Charlie Dai buys them for $40.69. SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK Natalie, the vacuum rep, wants to get a new vacuum, because our vacuums always get abused until they break. She brings up that Meltem had suggested last year that we buy a Dyson, because they’re the Rolls-Royce of vacuums, so they can possibly take more abuse. Someone points out that even a Rolls-Royce will break if you spill enough beer on it. Natalie says that we usually spend $80 on a shitty vacuum, and a Dyson runs between $350 and $500. The more mathematically inclined members of cabinet point out that a Dyson would have to last about four and a half years to be economically feasible, and the less mathematically inclined point out that, damn, $500 is an expensive vacuum. Natalie says she’ll research warranties and get back to us. CAUSTIN Bonnel asks what Cara and Austin are selling. Cara says “sex.” Holt buys them for $65. JONJANA Jon and Tatjana say that they’re selling a well-grilled dinner right in the acabowl. Jon says that he’ll buy pretty much any meat short of filet mignon, which everyone takes to mean that he’ll buy them filet mignon. Becky buys the meal for $25. REMEMBER THAT TIME THAT ONE RICE STUDENT SHOT SOME PEOPLE WITH A BB GUN? Well, says Bonnel, if we want to read about such things over meals, we’re going to have to shell out some more money. Apparently the newspaper companies are being lame, and so they won’t bring newspapers to Wiess anymore unless we buy 20 New York Times and 10 Chronicles a day, which is more than we currently buy. This will cost us $3000 a year. JUST KIDDING! Cara and Austin weren’t selling sex. They were selling cupcakes, doing your laundry for you, a trip to a haunted house, and a late night trip to House of Pies. NEWS, HOWEVER, IS SERIOUS And so it will seriously cost us $3000. We’ve already budgeted $2200 for it for the year, so it’d be an extra $800. Bonnel’s not sure if this is going to be a temporary measure, as if the economy gets better, then Forman might decide to pay for papers again. We move to pay the money, for this year at least. BRACY Brett and Tracy, who looks suspiciously like Bonnel, are selling a laser tag adventure, followed by an adventure back at Wiess. Tracy volunteers to go drunk to laser tag. Gabi buys them for $80. JESIN Jessie and Erin advertise a trip to Galveston, including food, rat hunting, and intimate moments. I’m not totally sure how intimate you can get with rats around, but maybe that’s just me. Their trip goes for $40 to Maggie. BURRITOS ARE MORE IMPORTANT No, I don’t need to finish that statement. Burritos are _always_ more important. Regardless of what they’re being compared to. That’s why we give Bonnel $100 to buy burritos that he can distribute to people who are cleaning out the War Room. RIFFANY Ricky and Tiffany are providing a night that is chock full of zombies, including zombie movies, zombie video games, nazi zombies, and a trip to go see Zombieland. Various munchies will be provided, although they will probably not be brains. Jacob buys the zombie night for $20. ADRIAN Has no one for me to portmanteau his name with, which is sad. However, he’s offering an epic road trip to wherever you want to go in Texas. Like anywhere. DAMN! I mean, there's a lot of Texas that you can drive to. That's pretty ridiculous. Adrian also offers to buy drinks along the way, although he’s 20, so he says he’ll mainly be able to buy orange/purple drink. Becky and Christina buy him for $40. FREE PIZZA! Bonnel says that Kaplan, who are test prep people, want to come to Wiess and do a study break. People are kind of ambivalent until he says that when they did this at Jones, people walked off with lots of free stuff. We agree that they must come. WE HAVE A PRICE And it’s pretty low. IF JUSTICE IS BLIND, SHOULD RUPD BE DRIVING? Officer Duncan, the new Wiess officer, says that we should keep locking our bikes. She also says that RUPD caught a bike thief, and he was summarily justiced. Finally, she says that we should come to the football stadium on the 6^th , and there will be free food. SPACE IS AWESOME And Rolf and Carlos, two professors, know it. That’s why they’ve gathered an astronaut, a guy who trains astronauts, and a telescope maker to come and talk about how much ass space kicks on the 2^nd at 6:30 in Keck 210. MIKE ALWAYS HAS THE BEST NEWS This time, he says that H & D is finally putting a drinking fountain in the commons! Apparently there will be some construction in the men’s room while this is going on, but the bathroom will still be functional almost all the time, and the fountain should be in by NOD. SERVE SOME FRESHMEN Jacob says selling tickets before one-acts is a great way to get service points and a free ticket to see the one-acts. CHAIN SOME FRESHMEN Jacob also says that freshmen can get service points working the chains for powderpuff. CABINET ADJOURNED! TFW, Dan “Speaking of auctions, $5 will get you in the minutes” Nelson |