Healthy Sexuality: Taking Care

A realistic view of your sexuality goes beyond the physical and includes how you think and feel about yourself and your partner(s). Sexuality is mostly about our beliefs and feelings.

How we express ourselves sexually is based on these beliefs and attitudes. Because of this, it is important for you to be aware of what it is you believe about yourself and others as sexual beings. This will help you to make a conscious decision about whether or not your actions are allowing you to take good care of yourself.

Making our own Rules
The media, church and family all give messages about what and how we should be. Sometimes these beliefs fit for us and sometimes they don't. If we accept only others' definitions of what it means to be sexual, we lose the chance to define our own sexuality and take care of what we know is good for us.

Paying Attention to our Feelings
Knowing ourselves and being able to identify our own feelings are important steps in being committed to self care. Feelings are not good or bad....they just are. Once we acknowledge our feelings, then we can choose how we would like to act on them, or even whether or not we want to do anything. The most comfortable and least stressful way to be sexual is to set our own rules and boundaries based on these feelings. Everyone has the right and responsibility to say no or yes to any type of intimate or sexual involvement.

Acting Responsibly
Sexuality is a health issue, so taking care of yourself and being a responsible partner are important. Learn all you can about birth control, HIV and AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Practice safer sex. Become acquainted with your body and discover your likes and dislikes. The more you know, the better you will take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally.

Talking is Important
If we know ourselves, we can tell our partners what we like and dislike.

Talk to your partner about your sexual wants and needs. Be clear about what scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Negotiate the "how's, where's and when's" of sexual activities by being open and honest. Try not to judge each other, but if differences between you exist, decide for yourself if they are things you can accept.

Be responsible to, not for your partner. Listen to truly hear what your partner is telling you, remembering that you can choose to accept, reject, or attempt to compromise on what may be asked for.

Remember that most of us are not mind readers and so we have to tell each other what we need or want. If we are in a relationship where we can trust each other, it's OK to be vulnerable and open about our feelings.

Affirming Ourselves
You have the right to feel good about your body and yourself. Search out ways to replace negative messages about your sexuality with positive ones. Talk to supportive friends, get a book, be gentle with yourself.

What Makes an Intimate Relationship?
Intimacy means different things to different people. You probably know what it takes for you to be happy and healthy. There are some things that may or may not be important to you in evaluating your relationships:

• Do I feel safe? If anything makes me feel unsafe, can we talk about it?
• Is there affection between us?
• Can I count on my partner(s) to be supportive of things that are important to me?
• Do we practice safer sex?
• Am I willing to be vulnerable and sincere with my partner(s)?
• Can I say yes or no to my partner's requests?
• Are we comfortable talking about sex?
• Do we feel committed to each other?

Adapted from: The Healing Way by Kristin A. Kunzman