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One of the forum participants, Bertieamstrong started a thread called "Screentest". She invited everyone to write a story about auditioning for Season 2 of In Treatment I was in Malta on vacation at the time but wanted to create my own addition to the thread. The following story was written from a Maltese Internet cafe late in the evening over several evenings. ----------------------------------- Touched sat down on the new leather sofa that the prop department had just delivered to the set. With her nerves wound tighter than a rubber band and her teeth set decidedly on edge, she kept one eye focused on the Director's office door while the other one frantically held watch for the delicious Gabriel Byrne. Only a month ago, she had submitted an application for role on Season 2 of In Treatment. Thinking no one would ever seriously consider her for the part, Touched had decided to have fun with her resume, completely falsifying her physical attributes and creating an extensive list of acting accomplishments that would make any casting director salivate. After sending the bogus document to the In Treatment mailbox, she promptly forgot all about it, she was, after all, leaving for a three week vacation and her mind was quite preoccupied with the preparations. She had already completed the first week of the trip when she received the surprising call to audition in her email inbox. In a frenzy she had booked the emergency flight to Los Angeles and had flown 15 grueling hours before taking a quick bath and hurrying to the set. Now, in a panic, she was desperately trying to remember all awards she claimed she won, all the productions in which she said she had starred. In hindsight she felt she may have over reached just a bit with her fiction, some of her lies might be very difficult to believe indeed. The character for whom she was reading was a 40 something career woman who had recently developed an obsessive disorder and had begun chatting on an Internet Forum site, jeopardizing her job, her family and relationships with her friends. Touched knew her acting skills were sub par at best but reasoned this part wouldn not take much acting. She secretly wondered if she and some of her friends were the inspiration behind the character, but vowed not to let the director know she was one of those whacky In Treatment Girls. This was going to be especially challenging since several of that group, including that damn farm girl, Pmungle, had learned of her audition and she suspected some of them would have already hopped a plane to L.A. in hopes of interjecting themselves into her Gabriel Byrne experience. This was going to be a challenging day to say the least. She was attempting to collect her thoughts and prepare for the audition when she spotted the director's door open. She watched Rodrigo Garcia as he exited the office and made his way toward her. Rodrigo: Hello, Ms Touched, its nice to meet you. Touched: Hello Mr. Garcia, uh not Ms Touched, just Touched, there is no Miss, please. Rodrigo: Ok Touched, I've been looking at your resume. Touched: (putting on her best poker face) Yes. Rodrigo: It says here you are 5 foot 11 and have long flowing blonde hair. Touched: Yes. Rodrigo: Begging your pardon but you are barely 5 foot 5 and your hair is auburn. Touched: Yes, um, I mean no, I mean it is a typo. Rodrigo: Uh Huh. You have quite an extensive resume, how is it that I have never heard of you before? Touched: I do plays mostly, you know Broadway, London stage, that sort of thing Rodrigo: It says here you won the Oscar for Best Actress! Touched: Yes, it was for one of my Broadway roles. Rodrigo: They don't give Oscars for Broadway shows, those are Tony Awards. Touched: (getting very worried now) Uh yes, another typo, I intend to fire my assistant when I get home. Rodrigo: (looking at Touched very suspiciously), very well, Touched, lets get this over with. We are going to read though some lines. I will read the role of Dr. Weston and... Touched: (Eyes open wide in alarm) SAY WHAT? Rodrigo: I said I will be Dr Weston and... Touched: Yeah, dude, I stopped listening after you said you would be Dr. Weston. Where the hell is Gabriel Byrne? Rodrigo: (getting irritated now) Do you have some sort of problem with running your lines with the Director of the show? Touched: (realizing Rodrigo Garcia had just taken a tone with her, decided the situation definitely called for backpedaling) Oh yes, I am so sorry Mr. Garcia, of course I see your point. I am a method actor. I typically get deep into my characters. I apologize. Please begin. Rodrigo: (frowning) Right. Let's get started then shall we? (reading from the script) So, How are you feeling today? Touched: (Reading her script out loud in a monotone voice) I am feeling very fine Dr. Weston, but I am still spending all my time on the Internet chatting with my friends about anything and everything. I have absolutely no idea why. Touched stopped abruptly, let the script drop by her side, rolled her eyes, and let out an overly dramatic, exasperated exclamation: Touched: You are kidding me right? Rodrigo, I am sooo not feeling this! Chatting about anything and everything? What is my character's motivation here? Why am I chatting on the Internet? Who wrote this crap Rodrigo, you should fire them immediately. Rodrigo: (gritting his teeth) I wrote it! Touched: (backpedaling again, she was getting good at this) Perhaps I was a bit harsh in my assessment? Its that method acting again. Would you allow me to perhaps suggest a few script alterations? Rodrigo: Go on. Touched: This character needs more definition, more depth. She is a career woman, she is normal, she has a life, an education, friends, family, dogs, cats, fish ,birds, she is well read, follows politics, travels around the world, knows current events. She would never chat on line all day if she didn't have a very strong motivation! Rodrigo: What is her motivation? Touched: She has been hypnotized. Rodrigo: Hypnotized? Touched: Yes, hypnotized to salivate whenever she sees or hears anything about a certain celebrity. Rodrigo: Who is the celebrity? Touched: Funny you should ask that Rodrigo, See this is where it gets very interesting. Rodrigo: I am waiting Touched: The celebrity is Gabriel Byrne. Rodrigo: huh? Touched: (speaking quickly now, making things up as she goes along) Yes, yes, yes, the celebrity is Gabriel Byrne and my character is seeking treatment from Dr. Paul Weston because they look exactly alike. He thinks she wants to be cured, but she is really there for the erotic transference. Rodrigo: This is extremely disorienting. Touched: Exactly! And that is what the audience will feel. The audience will love this interweaving of fantasy with reality Its edgy, its new! Its hip! Its now Rodrigo! Rodrigo: I'm feeling a little dizzy. Touched: (burying herself in the part, she goes for broke) This will mean we will have lots of scenes with my character and Dr. Weston, we sit together on the floor, have intimate conversations on the couch, he will beg me to reveal my deepest fears, plead with me in a soft Irish whisper to open up to him, you know, shit like that. Rodrigo: (suddenly looking slightly more interested) You know, this could work. I like this idea, tell you what, when Mr. Byrne gets here we will let you improvise a little and see where it takes us. Touched: (unable to believe this was working, but not beyond pushing the envelope further) Fantastic! what about wardrobe, what do I wear for the love scenes? Rodrigo: Beg pardon? Touched: Love scenes, love scenes. Last season, Paul let Laura go and he regretted it. He cant make that same mistake twice Rodrigo, plus the In Treatment audience wont stand for another one of those fade to black castration scenes like you pulled in Season 1. Rodrigo: Yes I had death threats from some forum nut named Hot4gabe over that issue. So what are you suggesting here? Touched: Well basically, I am suggesting that he nails me, here, on the new leather sofa. Rodrigo: Look I agreed to let you change some of the script but if we are going to replay the erotic transference theme again, we need to find someone more suitable to Mr. Byrnes tastes Touched: What are you saying Rodrigo? Rodrigo: You are not a 6 foot super model, your legs are too short, your skin is too white, and your ass is too wide. Touched: Reportedly, Mr. Byrne appreciates full figured women! Rodrigo: Yeah, that means he prefers a size 2 to a size 0. This is Hollywood. You have to raise the bar a little. Touched: (Thinking fast) Yes, but I gained this weight for my last role! I was playing an overweight middle aged lonely woman; you know that method acting and all. I can lose 20 pounds in one week, I swear I will be under 78 pounds by the time we start filming. If you bring me in as a slightly older, more realistic love interest, the ratings are going to soar. Rodrigo: The ratings were pretty soft in our first season. If it were not for a handful of female fanatics flooding the Neilson site, I don't think we would have been picked up for a Season 2 at all. I get the sense that you may be tapped into that demographic; can you perhaps help me understand them better? Touched: Rodrigo, you have no idea. Rodrigo: Ok, Lets continue the Improvisation. Dr. Weston asks you to describe your day and you say? Touched: ( beginning a stream of consciousness rant) My day? Oh my gosh, Ok, so I got up this morning and my first waking thought was of Gabriel Byrne. I starting making my coffee and wondered, is Gabriel Byrne having coffee? Is Gabriel Byrne having coffee right now? I think he is a tea drinker; most Irish and British are tea drinkers. That's the big difference between me and Gabriel Byrne, I drink coffee and he drinks tea. Oh yes, that and the fact that he supports Hillary Clinton. I cant believe Gab supports her instead of Obama.. I wonder if that will be a problem between us, I could convert if its going to be a problem.. Anyway, so then I take my shower, I wonder what its like to take a shower with Gabriel Byrne, I wonder if he stands and looks at himself in the mirror and says "damn I look good" . Then I start drying my hair and think Gabriel Byrne never dries his hair, he never even combs his hair, damn I d like to comb his hair, then mess it up, then comb it again, its always messed up. You know, I just love is messed up hair. I wonder what they would say about his hair on the forum. Maybe I should start a new thread dedicated to his messed up hair titled: "Gabriel Byrnes hair, combed or uncombed? Talk amongst yourself and... " Rodrigo: TOUCHED. This is a 30 minute show!!! Touched: Sorry, I was getting into the part. I just want to make sure I portray obsessive woman convincingly. Rodrigo: it was stunningly accurate portrayal, really scary. Rodrigo was about to feed her the next line when she suddenly heard someone say Mr. Byrne was on the set. Touched blacked out momentarily, losing all sense of space and time, and when she came to, she was standing staring, her eyes as big as saucers, she could barely make out Gabriel Byrne's face because there were swirls of color and silver sparkles in front of her eyes. She stood there focusing on his magnificently giant nose long enough for the for her eyesight to normalize, then steeled herself for the introductions, she was determined to maintain her dignity here, and keep her identity secret. She kept telling herself not to act like a star struck imbecile. Rodrigo: Mr Byrne, this lady is playing the part of a new patient. Her name is Touched. Gabriel Byrne looked at her with a big smile and his gloriously twinkling eyes. He stared at her for a moment with some slight indication of recognition. As much as she wanted him to remember her, she knew it was best to play their former meeting down. Gabriel: Do I know you from somewhere? Touched: No Mr. Byrne, I am sure I would remember if you and I had ever met before. Gabriel: Well I am delighted to make your acquaintance, darlin' Touched felt her knees go weak again. Breath in, breath out, breath in breath out. Rodrigo: Touched has some great ideas for variations on the script. I thought you guys could read through a few of the lines and try them on for size Gabriel: (agreeable as always, smiles and obligingly reads his first line) Tell me how you feel today? Touched: (becoming overly dramatic) Oh Paul, my obsession is ruining my life. Gabriel: What do you mean, tell me what you did today. Touched: I logged into the forum 27 times, received 53 Google alerts, watched 13 You Tube videos, ordered 3 posters, 4 DVDs , 2 VHS tapes and finished the day by ordering a reel to reel tape. I am going without food, or just eating raw food, I cant cook anymore. I have started 7 house fires already. I get so preoccupied with my chatting, I burn everything. I also had to send my pets to relatives for a while. I didn't realize I was ignoring them until they had lost 5 pounds each. Gabriel: 5 pounds isn't the end of the world Touched: They're dachshunds, Paul, they only weighed 13 pounds to start with. Gabriel: I see your point. (Gabe follows the altered script blocking and moves over to the couch, he moves close and whispers) Do you want to stop, do you want to be cured? Touched: The only thing that gets me through the day is being here with you. You've become the center of my life. Gabriel: (looking puzzled, steps out of character and addresses Rodrigo) Werre going with erotic transference again in Season 2? Rodrigo: Your audience is begging for it Gabe, just read the script. Gabriel: (becoming Paul again, obligingly reading his altered lines) And you Touched, are the center of mine. Oy luff you. And I dont care how it looks, I dont care what it costs, I dont care. At that moment, Touched lost all sense of reality and threw herself onto Gabriel Byrne, locking her lips onto his and dragging him down onto the shiny new leather couch. Rodrigo, ever the consummate director, could be heard coaxing Gabriel Byrne to get more out of the scene, telling him to entwine his fingers in her hair, to kiss her deeper, to start unbuttoning her shirt, to grasp her waist and maneuver himself on top of her. Touched was in a thick fog of Gabriel Byrne mania, with absolutely no sense of time or space unable to believe what she had managed to do here when she was jolted horribly out of her dream by Rodrigo's loud exclamation, followed by the comments from a frightened looking stage hand: Stagehand: Yes Sir, there is a group of women making quite a spectacle outside the studio door and they claim they need to speak to Touched here. Touched: (still groggy from her couch session) huh? What women? I know no one in L.A. Tell them to go away. Stagehand: I dunno know Rodrigo, I dont think they are going to go quietly. One of them keeps sending little thank you notes attached to donation checks to some Irish Theatrical Organization. So far she has written 1700 dollars worth of checks and they have only been downstairs for an hour. Touched: (thinking to herself, lord that is CountyMayo, this is going to be a problem) Call the police! I dont know these women. Stagehand: There are a lot of weirdos down there. There is some woman in camouflage making fart sounds with a little remote controlled device and there is another woman just standing around blathering to herself; she has postage stamps stuck all over her face, and the stamps have little tiny portraits of My. Byrne on them. Touched: (god, its worse than I thought, Bertie is out there they have even recruited MS421, she grew more alarmed). They are a cult, you need to get rid of them. I think we need to call out the National Guard! Stagehand: Oh yes and I almost forgot, there is one really wild eyed crazy one that has an entire cart load of quilts. She keeps saying she wants to get them to Gabriel Byrne and Touched, she has a message for you, she said,and I quote: Tell that beeatch I have my shiv and if she doesn not get her ass down her quick I will fuck her up good! end quote. Gabriel: (suddenly understanding the entire scene and finally recognizing her) Touched? Touched? Are you TouchedByThPoet? Touched: Uh Oh, Busted! Gabriel: Rodrigo, those women are the IT forum girls, and this girl is not an actress at all, she is TouchedByThPoet, she is one of them. Touched: Oh please Mr. Byrne, dont hate me for this, I only wanted to get closer to you. Gabriel: (unable to be anything but kind to his fans, smilled and looked at her) Touched, I dont hate you at all. But you cant have me all to yourself, I love all my fans. Rodrigo, you had better let them in. I have been reading those boards and I know them all. County writes me lovely messages that my staff often throws away, several of them, Stella, Ruby, Luvhislips, Violet, Phillymiss, PDX, Ms421, plurabell, Julie, Nightwind, have all written stories and haikus about me. Bertie has written entire novels and she even illustrates them. There are few quiet ones out there like AnnaBlum, Curly and Avg American that love me as much as the rest, and last but not least there is Pmungle. She doesnt write things but she sews a mean quilt. She sent me about 100 of them in the mail. I have so many that I have started giving the extras out to the homeless people. I hope she doesnt mnd. Touched was happy he was not angry but decidedly down about seeing her dream come crashing down around her. Instead of having him all to herself she would again be amongst a panting throng of women all vying for his attention. She was trying to feel good about all this, glad that her buddies could see Gabe too but decidedly pissed they had crashed her little party. Rodrigo threw up his hands and headed back to his office and the stagehand left to go escort the ladies in. It was that moment, when Touched and Gabe were alone. He turned to her with that crooked smile on his face: Gabriel: Touched, I know what you have been writing about me on those boards too. I read 'em all the time. I loved the post where you said if you had to come back as a man, you would come back as me. That is the most flattering thing anyone has ever said about me. I do hope you keep trying to write. You're much better at that than acting. Touched: I guess that means I'm not going to get the part? Gabriel: No, darlin' you're not. Touched: Well, anyway, You dont know what it means to hear you say you have read my posts. I have always wanted you to read them. Gabriel: I heard you flew all the way from Italy for this audition, are ya headin' back there soon? Touched: Yes, theres no point in staying here now. I guess I will go back and finish my vacation. Touched could hear the women stomping up the stairs. With a tear in her eye she thanked him again and he kissed her cheek. The throng of women entered the room. Touched gave Pmungle an evil glance but Pmungle was concentrating too hard on Gabriel Byrne to even notice. The next day Touched made her way to LAX and checked into her flight, the attendant informed her that her seat had been upgraded to first class. Touched was flabbergasted, she could only imagine that somehow Rodrigo or the In Treatment accountants had arranged to pay for her flight back to Italy since they had interrupted her vacation. She boarded the flight and settled into her luxurious private first class compartment and accepted the complimentary champagne the attendant brought immediately to her seat. As the passengers began to settle and the last remaining stragglers entered the plane she heard a familiar voice: Gabriel: Do ya come here often beautiful? As he settled into the seat next her: Gabriel: Ya didnt think I'd let you go to Italy alone did ya? I need a vacation too. With that he leaned over and kissed her and Touched and Gab headed off to Sicily. -- |