A Satircal spoof on In Treatment, starring TouchedByThPoet and Paul Weston. This was my answer to the disappointing conclusion of In Treatment's Episode 43.
EPISODE 44: Paul: Nice to meet you TouchedByThPoet, please have a seat and tell me about your problem...uhh...please, over on the couch, you cant sit here in the chair with me. This is my chair, you have to sit over there on the couch. Touched: Oh yeah, of course, sorry, I'm very sorry, I've been so disoriented lately. That's why I am here. Paul: Ok, no problem, just relax and we can just begin by talking about how you feel. Why are you disoriented? Touched: I think I was abducted by aliens 9 weeks ago. Paul: If that is so, then how is it that you are here with me now? Touched: They dumped me, very violently, back onto earth last Friday night. Paul: I see. Why do you think they chose last Friday to send you back? Touched: I don't know, I was in a dream state the whole time, but I remember being hooked up to some sort of machine, with tubes and wires. I remember the aliens kept talking about "ratings, ratings, ratings". Paul: What else can you tell me about the experience? Touched: I remember there were others there with me. Paul: Other abductees? Touched: Yes, other abductees and we were all in some sort of trance. I believe that the aliens had hypnotized us. Paul: How did they do that, can you remember? Touched: It had something to do with this man. He had a very pronounced and crooked nose but it was really beautiful on his face. Come to think of it, it looked like your nose. Paul: Did you recognize this person? Touched: I remember he was wearing shoes like yours, like your black shoes. I think it was you! Paul: Surely you know that can't be true. I've been here for the last 9 weeks, we've only just met.
Touched: If it wasn?t you, who was it?
Paul: It was probably Gabriel Byrne. He looks like me, sounds like me, uses sensual hand gestures like me. But we are two different people. You really shouldn't confuse me with him. Touched: How am I supposed to tell you two apart? Paul: He's a big movie star and I'm just a psychologist. I'm good with other people's problems but suck at handling my own. I have a bad marriage, my wife is a slut and I act like a 14 year old when I get myself into sexual situations. Touched: What else is different? Paul: Well, I've had my testicles removed. Touched: Why? Paul: Two words: Erotic Transference. Touched: What's that? Paul: Its everywhere. Women walk through my door and instantly want to fook me. I can't trust myself to stay away from these women and if I were to have sex with one of them, I'd burn a path straight to hell. Its illegal in 27 states and I'm told its worse that child pornography or beastiality. It's easier to deal with if you just have your testicles removed. Touched: How's that working for you Paul? Paul: Not as well as I had thought. I still want to fook the women, but when I finally get them into bed, I have this uncontrollable urge to run screaming out of the house. Touched: I see, and what about this Gabriel Byrne fellow. How is he different from you? Paul: Well, for starters, he still has his testicles. Touched: And how did the aliens use him to hypnotize us? Paul: Oh, they have a pheromone beam they shoot through his eyes. That's why one of his eyes opens a little wider than the other. The beam actually shoots out of the sleepy eye. Touched: I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Paul: Why, you are back on the earth now, you ordeal is over right? Touched: Honestly Paul, sitting here with you, I still feel hypnotized. Paul: It's my accent isn't it? It's charming as Fook, I know. Touched: Your accent, your eyes, the way you playfully brush your lips with the tip of your finger, the way you smile higher with one side of your mouth than the other. Are you sure you and Gabriel Byrne aren't the same person? Paul: To be honest, I don't even know anymore. But my advice is that you separate yourself from me/him/us and go back to your normal life. Visit friends, read a book, get involved in your community. Touched: Damn, that's it then? After all this, I'm being left high and dry? Paul: Sorry honey but yes. Gabriel Byrne is a very famous celebrity and he doesn't know you are alive. He's moved on, he's starting a new movie. You should move on too. Touched: What about you? Paul: I can offer you nothing but fish head soup. Touched: I don't want soup. I want tenderness, compassion, I want to run my fingers through your hair, I want to unbutton your shirt with my teeth, I want..... Paul: Shhh please stop. That's erotic transference. It's the deadliest of sins. The entire book of Revelations was written to warn mankind of the repercussions of erotic transference. Please don't speak of it again. Gina has had my office bugged. If they hear you, they'll lock us both away. Touched: I'm not afraid of them, what can they really do to me? Paul: They can make you watch all seven hours of "John Adams". Touched: How bad can that be? Paul: Its horrific. In last night's episode Abigail Adams yanked John's wig off his bald head they fell into bed and begin grunting and groping and having sex on screen. Touched: What happened when you watched it? Paul: I had a full blown panic attack. It was awful, trust me you don't want to see it. Touched: I'm confused, they let John Adams have a sex scene and they wouldn't let you? Paul: Don't try to figure it out, you'll go stark raving mad. Touched: I feel totally lost. I don't know how to go back to my regular life. Paul: You are going to have to get the fook out of the chair, I have another patient waiting. Touched: Can we talk more next week? Paul: No, there is no next week, HBO didn't renew our contract, you'll have to work this out on your own.
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