Tiggy's Joke Page
If you don't like my jokes, send me some better ones
It is hard to growl or bite when you are laughing!
Dog property laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
These are the answers from dogs asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Life lessons learned from a dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Fun Dog Quotes
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." --Dave Barry
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made" --M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." --Sigmund Freud
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Will Rogers
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." --Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Unknown
