As many of you know we've dreamed to start a family for many years.  We quickly discovered in the Fall of 2006 that this would require the assistance of fertility treatments.  We were referred to an amazing reproductive endocrinologist (a.k.a. fertility specialist) in Eugene, OR and felt very blessed to have such an experienced doctor with a wonderful 'bedside' manner.  The treatments quickly evolved from some 'mild' approaches (really, anyone who has done these knows that there is no such thing) to more intensive infertility treatments (involving shots, lots of trips to the doctor,  bloodwork, raging hormones, and Joe trying his best to provide comfort to the 'crazy' wife ☺).   Myra found out she was pregnant in Spring of 2007 - what excitement!! 

Myra was pregnant with twins, but one of them miscarried at about 8 weeks.  We were devastated but were able to remain excited that the other baby was doing well, giving us something positive to concentrate on.  During the pregnancy, Myra was restricted to bed rest a couple times, but the baby was always doing quite well.  On September 19, 2007 she went into preterm labor at 20.5 weeks gestation and gave birth to a little girl, Olivia Marie, who was unable to survive but had no physical or genetic abnormalities.  We were understandably devastated, confused, and angry.  That day we spent time holding Olivia, meeting her and saying goodbye at the same time.  Our minister was kind enough to come to the hospital and spend time with us.  After much deliberation in the hospital we made the decision to have her cremated.  We felt blessed by a compassionate staff at the hospital (Good Samaritan in Corvallis, OR) who provided us with pictures of Olivia, the blanket and outfit they put her in after birth, and information on the necessary process of grieving.

The next couple days we did a lot of talking and reading together about grieving.  We also prayed over our loss, asking God for strength.  Our friends were very supportive, providing meals, books, love, phone calls, and an abundance of flowers.  Our family, though primarily located on the east coast, was also supportive with calls, emails, flowers and memorial tokens (dedication of trees and stars, mass cards, and engraved jewelry/ornaments).  Joe’s mother flew out within a few days of Olivia’s birth and stayed with us (his dad desperately wanted to, but had to stay home to take care of things so she could make the trip).  The day she left, Myras parents arrived to comfort us as well.  Olivia was also the first grandchild for both sets of parents and we needed to grieve the loss as a family.  During this time they allowed us to cry, discuss the pregnancy and shock of the labor, and share pictures of our precious girl.  We felt God’s love during this time through the support of others, and more specifically in the ways we felt he spoke to us during our readings.  In a time of sorrow we felt comfort knowing she was being cared for in a place better than we could ever imagine.  We still think of Olivia often and what could have been, but we don't allow ourselves to dwell on the sorrow, you really just can't... 

We decided to give ourselves some time before attempting to conceive again because we wanted to make sure we were ready to try for a second child.  We started the treatments again in March 2008. After two cycles of this treatment Myra became pregnant, but in July of 2008 she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks.  We were very upset, but the support of family, friends and prayer helped us through another loss.  Once again we couldn't believe the unfairness of it all - yes, we were always taught that life is not fair, but we didn't think it should be THIS unfair!  We were really beginning to notice all the smoking pregnant women, people not appreciating their children, or people complaining about how hard it was to be pregnant - enough to drive you crazy! 

After a few months, we talked to the doctor and he felt that the preterm birth and miscarriage were not related.  We resumed treatments again in November of 2008, however, the hormones needed were dramatically increasing and this meant not only cost, but physical and emotional exhaustion.  We really wanted our 'own' children, but the treatments were expensive and there were no guarantees. The circumstances seemed great going into each cycle (for the most part) so we thought it would happen quickly, but knew we had to start preparing ourselves for it not happening.  We prayed about it, talked about it, analyzed it, and over-analyzed it (of course).  We started to talk more about adoption but knew that there was some level of grieving we would have to do first.  We needed time to actually grieve the loss of things some people don’t think about, including never having a child that may look like you or have your personality traits, being able to say "oh they get that from their father", experience the bonding that occurs during a full-tem pregnancy, the miracle of birth, etc.    For those who are reading this and want to understand more, there are some links at the end.  We decided to try the treatment one more time and to simultaneously educate ourselves on adoption, consider what it would mean to our family, and pray for Gods’ direction.