Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, Then took the other, as just as fair And both that morning equally lay I shall be telling this with a sigh - Robert Frost
Let me start with...this has not been easy. Maybe we shouldn't have expected it to be an easy decision but we were really hoping for a clear prompting on the adoption path we should choose. You know, maybe even a billboard that would spell it out clear as day? But alas, that's never really the case. There we were staring at our very own 'fork in the road'. But in fact, this diverging road had three possible paths: domestic (private), foster care, or international. Why didn't Robert Frost write a follow-up poem to help deal with choices when you have three paths!?!? Despite the training we completed towards becoming foster parents and the positive discussions with foster care representatives and families in Oregon and Florida, we decided for a number of reasons that for this adoption (yes there will be others), we were not going to look towards the foster care system. We have no doubt in our hearts that we will become foster parents within the next five years or so, but the chance of fostering 5-10 children before one may be legally free for adoption is not something we are ready to do just yet. And for our first child, beginning at age 6 or 8, the average age (sometimes younger children are available) would be difficult for us without having any previous parenting experience. An encouraging story was that Myra spoke with the friend of a co-worker who now in their 70's has fostered over 100 children. How amazing! And just a few months ago, they were asked to walk one of their former foster children down the aisle at their wedding. The impact you can have can truly last a lifetime. Ok, now we set our sites on the remaining two paths, again with no blinking neon arrow saying "Choose this one!!". At this point I need to digress for a second and say that throughout this process Myra and I have been blessed in so many ways by having such a supportive family and friends. So many have offered prayers, financial support, and helped us find people whom we could talk to that have experienced adoption of many forms. We've had more conversations with 'strangers' over the past few months than we probably have had in our lifetime. Being analytical thinkers, gathering all this information from people has been invaluable and while they weren't alone in helping us, Joes' brother and sister-in-law have spent so much time helping us research. They have so many international contacts that they have talked to and passed along some information and referrals about domestic adoption to help us in making a decision. We are so grateful for all of this that I'm somewhat at a loss for words of gratitude. Back from the divergence. I think for so long we were trying to make this decision with our heads instead of our hearts. Our heads told us that with domestic adoption we wouldn't have to make multiple trips across the world, we wouldn't be starting off a parent-child relationship with a language barrier, we may not have to wait as long, and we would be able to raise and educate the child from infancy rather than starting from toddler age. Now please please please don't misunderstand us. This is part of our pro/con list but we are NOT trying to say that domestic adoption is 'easy'. It comes with its own very real set of challenges (although some might say rare, the possibility of the birth mother changing their mind, for example). Something else to keep in mind is that in almost all cases,there is some sort of trauma that is leading couples to choose to adopt and the differences in these traumatic events will help a couple form whatever decision is right for them. This decision is a personal one and what is right for one couple may not be right for another. This story is ours and ours alone and we support adoption of ALL types as a way of providing a home and suitable life for children of all ages and any ethnicity. Ok, apparently I digressed again... So our heads said, ‘absolutely take the domestic path’. But it never 'felt' right to us. Instead our hearts were always pulled back to children living in orphanages in other countries. We should also say that many countries try to have the children adopted in their own country first. When they are not, they become available for international adoption which is often why the children will not be less than two years old when you bring them home. At this point, they just grow older in orphanages and much like in the U.S., the older they become the smaller chance they have of being adopted. When our hearts ached for these children, our heads would say "Why are you even considering this option when there are these challenges weighing down the 'con' list I helped you so intelligently craft" - and so the turmoil continued…
Finally, we had to tell ourselves that it's ok to make this decision with your heart instead of your head. After all, parenting is a very emotional endeavor and it's likely that the more emotion and passion you have in your heart for a particular path, the more the child will feel and be injected with the love you provide. Additionally, if we feel passionately drawn to a path, we feel that this is a way God helps to direct us.
So we've chosen a path that is right for us. We're being lead towards an international adoption and we've chosen the country of Bulgaria. That choice is probably a topic for another day, or ask us and we'd be happy to talk with you about it. We have decided to work with All God’s Children International for our adoption agency. Our feet have started trotting down this path and in a metaphorical sense, maybe it is the path that is more overgrown given only our personal pro/con way of thinking. But we're happy, we're excited. The one difference between Robert Frosts' journey and ours is that he begins to think he'll never be back to travel down the road not taken. But for us, we know we'll be back at the fork in the road again and we anticipate lifting a roadblock we've set up this time and instead, as a family, traveling down the road to foster care and foster care adoption. But, only time will tell... |