IntroductionThis page contains selected lyrics for the doyouinverts (thedoyouinverts.blogspot.com) song library, so you can now sing along at home. New lyrics will be added as a new song is added to the blog, and older lyrics will be added as and when I get around to it.7 out of 10As I sat on the sofa reading EDGE magazineYou turned off Eastenders and turned to me We'd been married 15 years or more When you took my hand, clasped it in yours You asked me if I loved you yeah I said, babe, I'll love you forever You looked at me defiantly then And said, “Well what would you give me out of ten?” There was a moment that I sat thinking I said I'd probably give you a seven I saw your face, your anger raw I protested that seven was a decent score I don't give out 9s willy nilly And a 10 would redefine femininity I class an average as a 5 I was lucky I made it out of there alive You've got me all wrong dear You're a fundamentally solid example within your genre And people who like people like you will like yer.' But I just couldn't ignore, your poorly texture mapped hair. As we spoke on the phone an hour later I tried to find the words to placate her I said it's probably up for debate Whether you deserve a 7 or an 8 You're a bit like Assasin's Creed Sometimes something flawed is what a man needs I was left to ponder this alone Just listening to the dialling tone I want to be with you all of the time But I can't overlook, your unfair level design I'm not saying you're a bitch But when was the last time you let me invert my stick I rang you back I thought I oughta' I said come on love you're no Full Auto You're one mark better than Kane and Lynch Lets go out and discuss this over lunch But with sudden violent force You asked me for a divorce Said I'd made you feel emotionally torn And that you were thinking of going multi-platform I want us to spend out lives together But I'm not so naïve to think there's nothing better Don 't lets make an issue out of this Lets wait to see what you get On metacritic. Akihabara AboveWhen we first met your body was cellophane wrappedYou were young, innocent and your seal was intact Dressed by the by the shipping staff at playasia A vision in bubble wrap and packing paper After so many PALs, I craved NTSC Wanted to lose my foreign gaming virginity My Imported Love It's like you fell from Akihabara above Everything perfect, nothing missing A Japanese Special Edition I couldn't read you at all, you were a mystery I wished with all my heart I could read Kanji You contained schoolgirls, and tentacle related horror You were only suitable for players of age 18 and over I was taken aback by this peculiar notion I thought you were a train management simulation My Imported Love It's like you fell from Akihabara above You don't speak a word of English Apart from badly photocopied insert I didn't need subtitles, for you to win my heart Things were perfect from the point I pressed start But time has passed, the first flush of love has gone Your spine card is missing, your instructions torn I've put an advert up on RLLMUK, 15 quid + PnP to take you away My preowned love I thought you might have been the one All the times we shared I've never had a British love that could compare Goodbye, it's time to go I'm trading you, oh, harsh I know But you're a collectible, and the bills are mounting It's a case of love ....overruled by simple accounting The Ballad Of Ann ScantleburyWe met back in 98In the Arcade by the Bowling Lanes You were playing Sega Rally We Had a drink, and we got quite pally You said you loved the videogames And we could go round to yours and play all day You said you had a copy of Zelda Me the hunchback to your Esmerelda You lied to me, you lied to me I've married Anne Scantlebury You hate gaming, You think gaming's lame Even when we met back at the bowling lanes You pretended to like it to meet boys You hate the violence and the bleeping noise You scream and wail like a banshee Because of the time it takes on our tv You're my wife and love you forever But we should be together Sharing our hopes and fears Together on co-op Gears With you by my side Connecting over Xbox Live So what do you think Maybe we need to make our Systems Link And now I'm in the damp spare bedroom. Playing my games, all alone I'd quite like to go around to Brian's But now the baby's started crying The relationship seems to have stalled Since the sparks in that bowling hall But I'll try not to have regrets No matter how bad the relationship gets You're my wife and love you forever But we should be together Sharing our hopes and fears Together on co-op Gears Only if you were right there with me Splitscreen on Halo ODST So what do you say Lets get some pads and just play? BillyAs Billy left school that day, they were waiting by the fence.They couldn't stand his glasses, or his intelligence. He remembered thinking clearly as they put the boot in: ‘I wish I was strong and bendy like Dhalsim’. Stumbled into the kitchen, battered black and blue. His mother said ‘Dear God, Billy, what did they do to you?’ Billy muttered back ‘It's pointless to be brave when You're up against griefers, you're reasoning with cavemen’. Billy, don't be silly, his mother said. You need to cheat in life if you want to get ahead. Use all the options that are open to you And you can finally bid those nasty bullies, adieu Next day they were there again, he saw trouble ahead - They were milling round like extras from Typing Of The Dead. Ugly zombie brains, filled with player killing thoughts. Gave Billy a wedgie in his schoolboy shorts It was looking bad as the mouth-breathers closed in, He recalled his mum's advice and it saved his skin. Billy cried ‘idspispopd’ And to everyone’s amazement, with one bound he was free. ‘Billy, don't be silly’, his father said that night, ‘You need to turn and face them if you want to win this fight. Cheating grants power, but it takes responsibility - (Even so, son, hurt them plenty for me)’. Next day, armed with knowledge and ready to dual, Billy took a deep breath and marched into school. He found the knuckle-draggers, eyed them all defiantly Pressed tilde and softly uttered ‘iddqd’. The first punch that hit Billy bounced harmlessly away, Then Billy followed up with ‘idkfa’. Apocalypse Noww. More monstrous than Loch Ness. Thank god Billy never used ‘i.d.c.h.o.p.p.e.r.s’. Billy Smashed Pumpkins into Small Pieces of Putrid Debris He was as crooked as a UKIP MEP. There's no point fighting honest or following principles: No clip, all weapons, god mode, makes anyone invincible. The overriding moral from Billy's tale Is that though the quest is perilous, there is a Holy Grail. Losing is for losers, there’s no virtue in defeat, Only fools play by the rules, so cheat cheat cheat. UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT AB START Fingers Turned Into Fists (lyrics by M. Kumar)I was born bleeding on a pub toilet floorMy father came in, took one look at me And said this is all he'll ever know But as the clocks moved forward my fingers grew to fists Fists like his, but I didn't use them on her I built them to wrap around joystick and hammer on buttons Because my desperate blinkers had narrowed a route to blinking lights The floors were sticky and the air was thick Just like he said was all I'd ever know But my coins could chime me new beginnings And take me where he could never be My fights? My fights were perfect, sweeping down, forward, up, fierce My patterns? My patterns were flawless, cherries, apples, keys and crowns I could burst bubbles and cast down rainbows like a passing breeze I had power... I had power, and I was sure nothing could take that away from me, nothing Nothing I thought I could be free I knew I could be free, as long as I had that escape But clocks keep moving and lights blink out And eventually, my fists had nowhere to go There was nowhere to go. Back bleeding on that pub bathroom floor My father took one last look at me And said this is all I'd ever know Coming OutA protracted silence,Hangs limply in the air My hopes you'd understand, Dashed by your icy stare Just give me a chance to explain, oh father I know this is hard, and You're hurting to the core I know the road I'm walking Is a road that you abhor Just give me a chance to explain, oh father I can see the mistrust and hatred in your eyes I'm just not like all the other guys Oh father I've become what you despise, I'm a Casual Gamer When I told mother yesterday She said she always knew But I can see how devastating This revelation is to you Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father I still love you daddy But I know you'll feel betrayed Can you love me for who I am And not the games I've played? Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father I loved FreeCell instead of Secret Weapons of The Luftwaffe Now you're externalising your anger like Chewbacca Don't shout and scream at me, oh father I'm a Casual Gamer. I'm still the same boy you sat with And played through co-op Gears But I've been hiding what I really feel For the last 15 years Where do we go from here, oh father Perhaps we could meet halfway And find a gaming stopgap Perhaps a Live Arcade game Or something from Popcap Where do we go from here, oh father I'm sorry if I've injured your pride I'm not ashamed of what I am inside I hope we can move forwards, side by side As the casual and hardcore worlds collide We can take prejudice and brush it aside And pray the conflict between us will subside Oh father, I've cried, and cried and cried, because I'm a Casual Gamer... Alternate chorus I can't be the gamer you wanted me to be I don't want to play Final Fantasy Just Noel Edmond's Deal or No Deal on the Wii Oh father, I'm a Casual Gamer Gold Membership 2009It's not easy being thirty fiveAnd playing games, on Xbox Live And being called a cheating faggot noob You're 12 and live in Kansas City Glasses spots, you're none too pretty 1000 hours clocked on halo 2 And this is a co-op terrorist hunt So don't shoot me in the back you (very silly person) I'm sitting out the round now I've died And it's impossible to capture flags And defending positions is such a drag, When your team don't understand the concept of sides 35 quid for this 35 quid for this shit 35 for my Gold Membership And I don't want to listen to foreign rap Interspersed with you speaking crap I don't care what you did at school You're an irritating gobby twat And your headset gives you an excuse to spew crap And act like the village fool I'm old I'm married, and I'm feeling harried I didn't take your sniper rifle Larry The weapons on the maps are for everyone Oh you can try to confuse me, then to abuse me Spewing expletives like a pair of Uzis Bugger off back to America Son 35 quid for this 35 quid for this shit 35 for my Gold Membership I'd cancel my membership, but I ain't got time I'm still holding out for True Fantasy Live Online Goodbye GordonI need to have a word with you, Gordon dear So stop fiddling with your gravity gun and sit over here We need to take this relationship to the Source And work out why things are on a spiralling downward course Maybe it's because you're a metaphor for hope A mysterious cipher sent to help humanity cope But I wish we could snuggle up on the sofa, and chat, you and me Without you noisily recharging your Mark 5 HEV I wish you could show me a little more respect I don't want a romantic train ride to Nova Prospekt Lets go to the Coast again, and I'll be the chauffeur Just promise me this time you'll leave behind your crowbar I wish we could get closer, but we never have the time I'll always come second to you murdering the Combine You've always got space in your inventory How come you've never got space in your heart for me? I wish you'd just look adoringly at my face At not off in the middle-distance at a mysterious man with a briefcase You know I'll never stop, ever loving you I loved you since you saved my life in Episode 2 But Gordon, if you could have just said something in return Instead of standing there so silent and taciturn You only communicate through acts of xenophobic violence We can't build a relationship on perpetual silence All I ever wanted is for you to say you loved me That's why I've been sleeping with Barney He may be swarthy, and just a hero's sidekick But he knows just what makes a woman tick I gave my heart to him and he gave his to me Goodbye Gordon, you'll walk alone through Episode 3 I've been sleeping with Barney I've been sleeping with Barney I've been sleeping with Barney... Random EncounterI was an amnesiac orphaned teenager, On a mission to wreak vengeance A floppy blonde haired main protagonist (Man or woman I wasn't sure which) Evil forces came to my sleepy town And mowed the lot to the ground (In a later plot twist this village destroyer Turned out to be my long lost father...) So my life got a little JRPG I craved a little linearity I wanted prescribed things to happen to me And my heroic acts rendered in FMV My quest began, when I met an innkeeper fella Who wanted me to kill the rats in his cellar Then I went to a fire dungeon, a misty forest, and a flying ship Full of giant spiders and extended cutscenes I couldn't skip Then I got attacked by Sky Pirates I couldn't avoid you, my screen shattered apart I thought my guard was exceptionally high But you broke straight through my defensive lines I felt my mana draining, I lost my initiative And you got the first critical attack in Oh I just can't stop thinking about her, Was it love, or just a random encounter? You routed me, you gave me hell I used 6 potions, and a healing spell I'm just a lowly, defenceless wizard I'd have been bested by a bullemic lizard So I turned tail and ran away And ground out levels for the rest of the day So when we next met, my pirate love I was able to cast spells above level 1 I wanted to speak all night, you and me I wanted to exhaust your dialogue tree... So we fought again, tooth and nail, you and I On that floating pirate ship up in the sky And my prospective in-game love interest died Obviously not protected by her ample thighs If only your armour had covered your chest Practicality over eroticism would have been best I thought we'd be together for 100 hours and 3 DVDs Who knows the wonders we could have seen? But just like Aeris you died a little too soon, Who knows what sort of relationship could have bloomed? I guess I should have known the relationship would come to 'owt Cos the “Talk” option on the menu when I selected you... ....was always greyed out. Subscription CancelledLadies and gentlemen, friends and relations,Thank you for joining today's celebrations. As Ste's Best Man it's my pleasure to do the dutiful I think you'll agree the bridesmaids and Lisa look beautiful After they first met, Ste sent me a e-mail about her Titled: “A definitive list of things wrong with Lisa” I was shocked and confused, I'll be frank Because the body of the e-mail was blank CHORUS 1 I blasted back “How can you claim she's the best On the basis of a single evening's playtest? Is she a fleeting “flavour of the month” attraction? Or are you doing this to incite an internet reaction I said “You're putting her on a pedestal like Halo” “Half Life 2, Ocarina of Time or Gran Turismo” But I think if you're going to label something as perfection You need a sufficient period of critical reflection Here's a message from some friends who can't be here today The Internet Gaming Community has asked me to say: Quote “Sub cancelled, Ste, you always get it wrong” “Your bias Lisa-centric editorial been going on far too long,” But Ste, as your Best Man, I just have to speak I now support the reasoning behind your wifely critique So lets not stuck over-analysing why Let's avoid another mistake like Goldeneye Even if she has a library level I'm sure we'd all rather ignore this and revel So lets raise a toast to this couple's new life To Ste and his critically acclaimed wife Spoken over outro... “You like wives? You'll love this! 10/10” ign.com “If you only marry one wife this year, then this is the one to marry! 10/10” Gamespot UK “Redefines everything a wife can be. Impressive, confident stuff 10/10” Eurogamer.net “Made me grin from beginning to end. A+” 1UP Network “Possibly the most important wife of the last 5 years 10/10” gamesTM “Doesn't put a foot wrong. Entertaining, innovative and surprising” Guardian Gamesblog “The dress was nothing special, and we didn't like the cake” 7/10 EDGE Magazine |