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Introduction

This page contains selected lyrics for the doyouinverts (thedoyouinverts.blogspot.com) song library, so you can now sing along at home. New lyrics will be added as a new song is added to the blog, and older lyrics will be added as and when I get around to it.

Pixel Perfect (Let's Go Retro)

CHORUS
Beautiful simplicity
Never contemporary
I’m pixelated look at me
Life needs difficulty
So why can’t you see
See me, Tonight,
Just for tonight,
Lets go, lets go
Retro

VERSES
I made mistakes, mechanical flaws
Pixel perfect jumps, key carded doors
Playing for points and high scores
If you took me back, I’d take you back too
Because going back’s the thing to do
We clicked like Kempston, deja vu
No binding to cover, no glowing crumbs
No tilt control, just digital thumbs
No generational shift, when it had to come
There’s something you should know
I’m begging you now please don’t go
Let’s go back, old school, lets go retro

Things were tough way back when
Three characters, triple A, End
But we need to go back there again
Simple rules, a casette inlay
No patching all our problems away
Lets go back to the start, lets replay
I was difficult, I can be again
Mapped out on paper, emotions arcane
When being indie was just public domain
Shareware, I care, you cared long ago
I’m begging you now please don’t go
Let’s go back, old school, lets go retro

Brand New Stone Age Man

When all this was fields
Not sniper rifles, energy shields
Men walked, uncontested
Never bested, flat chested
Beer can, paunch and vested...
A female-free combat zone
Games played in baritone
Shoot the shit, a racist wit
Chauvinist,
Misogynist

Should have stayed at the cooker, luv
That’s why I called you a hooker, luv

This is all symptomatic of
A Brand New Stone Age Man

It must be liberals, the left-wing
She came online, took everything
Invaded his last frontier,
Xbox Live’s Germaine Greer
It’s fear he feels, fear
Losing to a girl is so sore,
Ugly, slapper, fat whore
There’s nothing left to
cling to any more

Call of Duty, bet you’re a beauty,
You can’t beat me, sweet pea
"
The more he that become she, you’ll see
The Brand New Stone Age Man

"Get back to the kitchen
You bitch I’m
Itching to fix
you witch, you vixen,
Naked right now, u cow, let
Me show you how well
Endowed I am
Because I’m a Brand New Stone Age Man
"

"U horny, send pix, I’ve got a big dick
U bitch, chicks make me sick
"
As subtle as a brick it’s the
Brand New Stone Age Man
1500 points to hear you moan
God he’s so, so alone
Filled with rage and a Y chromosome
It’s the Brand New Stone Age Man
Aggressive and his loins are yearning,
Lives with his mum, he’s still a virgin
Times they are a changin’ for the
Brand New Stone Age Man


Not Like When We Were Young

It's Thursday night and she's out at Zumba
Counting down till tea time is over
Kids off to bed
The chores are all done
Head for the sofa, pour yourself one
The perfect silence
The clock ticks 9
Xbox on
Got a little time, to play 
Online
Tonight

Friends list up, he's displayed as away
Just a date, a number of days
Arranged this at work
Tonight's the night
For Halo Reach
God I hope he's aright?
Fingers drum
Play a little Chime
While you wait
Just to pass the time
"Not randoms, 
I'm not playing randoms tonight"

But we just don't have the time to play
Not like when we were young
Not like when we were young

He's on at last
The message comes through
Headset off because she doesn't approve
A silent match
Then the baby cries
Pad thrown to the floor
Can't text goodbye
She's home early
You could weep
The screen turns to grey
At least the console can sleep
But he won't
He won't tonight

But we just don't have the time to play
Not like when we were young
Not like when we were young

Telltale Signs

Did you hear about Rita and Steve?
The Telltale Signs were there.
He needed more space to breathe
Even though he still cared.
Rita knew she still loved him
Steve knew here loved her
Just needed a different delivery mechanism
Both got a case of Hydrophobia

Makin' a little time for some TLC
Somethin' more substantial than DLC
To avoid breaking apart it seems to me
You need to give away your first part for free

But I think this time they're going to make it
Because Rita and Steve are going episodic

She didn't want other guys
But he was too much in just one go
Wasn't happy with his filesize
Preferred him in bite sized episodes
They haven't lost that spark
But it's the right thing to do
Compartmentalise their story arc
Maximise their emotional revenue...

Makin' a little time for some TLC
Somethin' more substantial than DLC
Stuff like this can take time you'll see
It'll all be sorted out before Episode 3

But I think this time they're going to make it
Because Rita and Steve are going episodic
But I think this time they're going to make it
Because Rita and Steve are going episodic

Gamer and Glad 

(currently unreleased, but there is a video of it being played on Youtube HERE)

I can't fix that leaking shed
I don't stomp my feet and swear 
I'd rather do something else instead
My talents lie elsewhere

I can't fix the washing machine
I can't build a dry stone dyke
I just don't have practical genes
Ray Mears and I are not alike

When the zombies finally attack
I'll be the first to be dismembered
I haven't left my mark upon this world
I won't be remembered

I can't fix the split head gasket
I don't know my way around a car
Can't make a wicker basket
Cos' I was born beneath a gaming star

I haven't got a trade
I can't hang a garage door
All the achievements in my life
Are reflected in my gamerscore
 
I can't do carpentry
I don't gather crops or hay
I'm just a little bourgeoisie
Don't look at me that way

But I'm not ashamed
I'm just a man who plays videogames
Got no practical skill
I just know how to chill

My hands were made for working
With a little plastic pad
Pressing buttons and shirking
I'm a gamer and I'm Glad


But I'm not ashamed
I'm just a man who plays videogames
All that I know
Is a plasma TVs comforting glow
I am an artist
Carving X, Y A and B
So who's the smartest?
The tradesman or me?


One Life Left

Falling bombs, neon lights
A Space Invader's fight 
We've always been stuck
Moving left to right

Can't we move forward 
A plea to relate
Before our cover
Starts to disintegrate

Relentles enemies
Marching side by side
Regimented, predictable 
We collide

No second chances,
No quarters piled nearby
One chance, one moment
A rousing battle cry

We've got OLL
We've got OLL
We've got OLL
That's all we've got

Codewheels

We're tech of a different time
Intertwined hearts and splines
When flying meant something
We flew,
Keyboard,
Strewn with cardboard
Codewheels, overlaid
Page 13, paragraph 4,
Word 8

No satellite photography
Just blue and green
Cut with a single black line
Turns to steps as we turn
Fought for each hex
We Goroud, but what next?
When the ailiasing is gone?
We move on.

It's moot this, boot disk
An Expanded memory
Like voxels,
A fractured dream
From a distance, coalece
For the best, no 3DFx
Just me and you, alone
No flight sins to atone

No voodoo
All the things you, do
A Graphics whore, perhaps
But I adore you,
Your DMAs your IRQs

Is it worth it?
If there's never any conflict
Nothing to plug, pray and reject
Just set, just perfect

Those glorious times are just a memory
Lost in time, killed by all the all the piracy
These days they say we're too PC
I'd have to disagree

Bear vs Shark


Bear and shark face as equal
Battle to the death, no sequel
Bear says "do your worst"
"I'll mess you up like Damien Hirst"

"Get ready for a world of hurt"
Shark laughs "whatever, Rupert"
"If I were you, I'd get ready"
"To lose your stuffing, teddy"

He snarls at bear, mouth open wide
Charges in, bear and shark collide
Shark has flippers, bear has claws
But it's Winnie the Pooh vs Jaws

Bear's bleeding, nearly dead
A Paddington, not Superted
But bear hits back, a Shinobi
Ducks and weaves like Yogi
The Bear neccesities, Baloo
Smacks shark with bear tae kwon do
Bear then doth remark
"This fight has jumped the shark

I'm no thoughful Care bear
But this fight isn't fair
I've got you shark, you're on the rocks"
Shark spat back "f**k you I'm Goldilocks"

"I'm going to eat your porridge"
"Sleep in your bed, that's my pledge"
Huggy gasps as shark rushes again
No more time for Gentle Ben
A once in a lifetime rumble
Deepsea killer vs Bungle
Pudsey gasps, hits the edge
Bones snap against cartilage

420 million years of evolution
Lead to Sooty's persecution
Bear's head is feeling fozzie
He's now an unwilling amuptee
Time to call upon the editor
To pull the curtains on our apex predator
We've proved that sharks always win
You just don't f**k with Darwin.

The Ballad of Garnett Lee

CHORUS
You may think Rooney plays for Chelsea
You've never heard of a Prinny
But you'll always confirm weekends for me
You hate freedom, love linearity
You're fuelled by beer and cheap whisky
But you'll always confirm weekends for me
Oh Garnett Lee

VERSES
You're the perfect podcast host
From your first drunken boast
To the moment you are ghost
Oh Garnett Lee

You play devil's advocate
And people always take the bait
You don't deserve all the hate
Oh Garnett Lee

Keep things apropos
Conversational quid pro quo
It's your goddam show
Oh Garnett Lee

You're passionate and zealous
You miss the 1Up fellas
(Even David Ellis)
Oh Garnett Lee

VERSES 2
You're a verbal engineer
Coined more words than Shakespere
An English language pioneer
Oh Garnett Lee

Your baritone voice is arousing
When Yakuza you are espousing
But I still miss Bettenhausen
Oh Garnett Lee

I'm glad that you're back
Running the podcast for shack
Don't ever invite on Dennis Dyack
Oh Garnett Lee

Drunk with power was a nonstarter
If you're looking for a Martyr
I'd blame Jeff Canata
Oh Garnett Lee

A Bad Education (Full Lyrics from unreleased rap version)

VERSE 1
Long time ago, before Midichlorians
Begged my dad to buy me a Delorean
Starbuck was a man, and we had Muffet
I was a Young Gun, you mother pus bucket
Germanic super villans were endearing
And I was in love with Wilma Deering
Future felt bright and it was getting brighter
As I span round the playground like the Last Starfighter

CHORUS
Had a bad education
Had a bad education

BRIDGE 1
Marvel at my comic life, excelsior
Like a night watching ITV4 

VERSE 2
As I grew up, waxed on waxed off
Idolising Hasslehoff
My upbringing was well secluded
My batteries were not included
Great balls of fire, RIP Goose
No flies in my Beetlejuice
I didn't want to go to uni
Just wanted to be Goonie

CHORUS
Had a bad education
Had a bad education

BRIDGE 2
A Time Bandit like Stephen Hawkin'
A neverending story, Look Who's Talkin'

VERSE 3
Some things went wrong for me
Life went a little Superman 3
But nothing got under my skin
I came out fighting like Snake Pliskin
Nuked from orbit, no time to bleed
Dancing round punches like Apollo Creed
No Wierd Science listen to this
Cult knowledge kept me from The Abyss
 
CHORUS
Had a bad education
Had a bad education
Almost there I'll make this quick
Like a Chuck Norris superkick

VERSE 3
Cos if you don't want to Die Hard
Make it so, like Jean Luc Picard
You don't need science, you don't need art
Just need to find your Angel Heart
Your Heathers may be long past
But you remember the Bladerunner Cast
Your knowledge is your Lethal Weapon
We've all had a Bad Education

For Me Tonight

Oh my lovely, gorgeous spouse
We said our marriage vows
20 years ago today
But I've got something I need to say
I didn't mean to mislead you
But my love I need you
I have but one thing to ask
For just one night, will you wear this mask

Growl, raise your hands and roar
Then caress me with your paws
Leave me begging you for more
Dress up as Chewbacca for me tonight
Feel of fur against my skin
A bowcaster pressed against my shin
How can this be a Sin?
Dress up as Chewbacca for me tonight
No more quar-ra-ling
I love you dar-ling
I just need you to do some snarling...
Dress up as Chewbacca for me tonight
Oh it just feels so right
Dress up as Chewbacca for me tonight

Just Another Peter

PRE VERSE
Oh Annie – lah lah lah
Oh Annie – lah lah lah

VERSE
10 years of stasis, perpetually waiting,
You married him, got in far too deep
The content agreed when you first started dating
Long forgotten by that feature creep

CHORUS 1
Oh he lied to you,
Like Peter Molyneaux
But you were able
To see through the fable
All the lies that he said to you
Oh he lied to you,
Like Peter Molyneaux
There's no syndicate
You just indicate
That this time you're through

PRE VERSE
Oh Annie – lah lah lah
Oh Annie – lah lah lah

BRIDGE
Oh your mother always said, on budget, on time, no bugs pick two

VERSE 2
When you saw him in preview you were all of a quiver
A worm in an apple in a barrel afar
He over promised and  failed to deliver
Anything but a marital coup de grace

CHORUS 2
Oh he lied to you,
Like Peter Molyneaux
No substance at all
Like Mylo in Natal
Everything he said was untrue
Oh he lied to you,
Like Peter Molyneaux
There was no need to fight
Cos it was Black and White, and
It'll never be Black and White 2

7 out of 10

As I sat on the sofa reading EDGE magazine
You turned off Eastenders and turned to me
We'd been married 15 years or more
When you took my hand, clasped it in yours
You asked me if I loved you yeah
I said, babe, I'll love you forever
You looked at me defiantly then
And said, “Well what would you give me out of ten?”
There was a moment that I sat thinking
I said I'd probably give you a seven
I saw your face, your anger raw
I protested that seven was a decent score
I don't give out 9s willy nilly
And a 10 would redefine femininity
I class an average as a 5
I was lucky I made it out of there alive

You've got me all wrong dear
You're a fundamentally solid example within your genre
And people who like people like you will like yer.'
But I just couldn't ignore, your poorly texture mapped hair.

As we spoke on the phone an hour later
I tried to find the words to placate her
I said it's probably up for debate
Whether you deserve a 7 or an 8
You're a bit like Assasin's Creed
Sometimes something flawed is what a man needs
I was left to ponder this alone
Just listening to the dialling tone

I want to be with you all of the time
But I can't overlook, your unfair level design
I'm not saying you're a bitch
But when was the last time you let me invert my stick

I rang you back I thought I oughta'
I said come on love you're no Full Auto
You're one mark better than Kane and Lynch
Lets go out and discuss this over lunch
But with sudden violent force
You asked me for a divorce
Said I'd made you feel emotionally torn
And that you were thinking of going multi-platform

I want us to spend out lives together
But I'm not so naïve to think there's nothing better
Don 't lets make an issue out of this
Lets wait to see what you get
On metacritic.


Akihabara Above

When we first met your body was cellophane wrapped
You were young, innocent and your seal was intact
Dressed by the by the shipping staff at playasia
A vision in bubble wrap and packing paper
After so many PALs, I craved NTSC
Wanted to lose my foreign gaming virginity

My Imported Love
It's like you fell from Akihabara above
Everything perfect, nothing missing
A Japanese Special Edition

I couldn't read you at all, you were a mystery
I wished with all my heart I could read Kanji
You contained schoolgirls, and tentacle related horror
You were only suitable for players of age 18 and over
I was taken aback by this peculiar notion
I thought you were a train management simulation

My Imported Love
It's like you fell from Akihabara above
You don't speak a word of English
Apart from badly photocopied insert

I didn't need subtitles, for you to win my heart
Things were perfect from the point I pressed start
But time has passed, the first flush of love has gone
Your spine card is missing, your instructions torn
I've put an advert up on RLLMUK,
15 quid + PnP to take you away

My preowned love
I thought you might have been the one
All the times we shared
I've never had a British love that could compare
Goodbye, it's time to go
I'm trading you, oh, harsh I know
But you're a collectible, and the bills are mounting
It's a case of love

....overruled by simple accounting


The Ballad Of Ann Scantlebury

We met back in 98
In the Arcade by the Bowling Lanes
You were playing Sega Rally
We Had a drink, and we got quite pally
You said you loved the videogames
And we could go round to yours and play all day
You said you had a copy of Zelda
Me the hunchback to your Esmerelda

You lied to me, you lied to me
I've married Anne Scantlebury
You hate gaming, You think gaming's lame
Even when we met back at the bowling lanes
You pretended to like it to meet boys
You hate the violence and the bleeping noise
You scream and wail like a banshee
Because of the time it takes on our tv

You're my wife and love you forever
But we should be together
Sharing our hopes and fears
Together on co-op Gears
With you by my side
Connecting over Xbox Live
So what do you think
Maybe we need to make our Systems Link

And now I'm in the damp spare bedroom.
Playing my games, all alone
I'd quite like to go around to Brian's
But now the baby's started crying
The relationship seems to have stalled
Since the sparks in that bowling hall
But I'll try not to have regrets
No matter how bad the relationship gets

You're my wife and love you forever
But we should be together
Sharing our hopes and fears
Together on co-op Gears
Only if you were right there with me
Splitscreen on Halo ODST
So what do you say
Lets get some pads and just play?


Billy

As Billy left school that day, they were waiting by the fence.
They couldn't stand his glasses, or his intelligence.
He remembered thinking clearly as they put the boot in:
‘I wish I was strong and bendy like Dhalsim’.
Stumbled into the kitchen, battered black and blue.
His mother said ‘Dear God, Billy, what did they do to you?’
Billy muttered back ‘It's pointless to be brave when
You're up against griefers, you're reasoning with cavemen’.

Billy, don't be silly, his mother said.
You need to cheat in life if you want to get ahead.
Use all the options that are open to you
And you can finally bid those nasty bullies, adieu

Next day they were there again, he saw trouble ahead -
They were milling round like extras from Typing Of The Dead.
Ugly zombie brains, filled with player killing thoughts.
Gave Billy a wedgie in his schoolboy shorts
It was looking bad as the mouth-breathers closed in,
He recalled his mum's advice and it saved his skin.
Billy cried ‘idspispopd’
And to everyone’s amazement, with one bound he was free.

‘Billy, don't be silly’, his father said that night,
‘You need to turn and face them if you want to win this fight.
Cheating grants power, but it takes responsibility -
(Even so, son, hurt them plenty for me)’.

Next day, armed with knowledge and ready to dual,
Billy took a deep breath and marched into school.
He found the knuckle-draggers, eyed them all defiantly
Pressed tilde and softly uttered ‘iddqd’.
The first punch that hit Billy bounced harmlessly away,
Then Billy followed up with ‘idkfa’.
Apocalypse Noww. More monstrous than Loch Ness.
Thank god Billy never used ‘i.d.c.h.o.p.p.e.r.s’.

Billy Smashed Pumpkins into Small Pieces of Putrid Debris
He was as crooked as a UKIP MEP.
There's no point fighting honest or following principles:
No clip, all weapons, god mode, makes anyone invincible.
The overriding moral from Billy's tale
Is that though the quest is perilous, there is a Holy Grail.
Losing is for losers, there’s no virtue in defeat,
Only fools play by the rules, so cheat cheat cheat.

UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT AB START

Fingers Turned Into Fists (lyrics by M. Kumar)

I was born bleeding on a pub toilet floor
My father came in, took one look at me
And said this is all he'll ever know

But as the clocks moved forward my fingers grew to fists
Fists like his, but I didn't use them on her
I built them to wrap around joystick and hammer on buttons
Because my desperate blinkers had narrowed a route to blinking lights

The floors were sticky and the air was thick
Just like he said was all I'd ever know
But my coins could chime me new beginnings
And take me where he could never be

My fights? My fights were perfect, sweeping down, forward, up, fierce
My patterns? My patterns were flawless, cherries, apples, keys and crowns
I could burst bubbles and cast down rainbows like a passing breeze
I had power... I had power, and I was sure nothing could take that away from me, nothing

Nothing

I thought I could be free
I knew I could be free, as long as I had that escape
But clocks keep moving and lights blink out
And eventually, my fists had nowhere to go

There was nowhere to go.

Back bleeding on that pub bathroom floor
My father took one last look at me
And said this is all I'd ever know

Coming Out

A protracted silence,
Hangs limply in the air
My hopes you'd understand,
Dashed by your icy stare
Just give me a chance to explain, oh father
I know this is hard, and
You're hurting to the core
I know the road I'm walking
Is a road that you abhor
Just give me a chance to explain, oh father

I can see the mistrust and hatred in your eyes
I'm just not like all the other guys
Oh father I've become what you despise,
I'm a Casual Gamer

When I told mother yesterday
She said she always knew
But I can see how devastating
This revelation is to you
Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father
I still love you daddy
But I know you'll feel betrayed
Can you love me for who I am
And not the games I've played?
Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father

I loved FreeCell instead of Secret Weapons of The Luftwaffe
Now you're externalising your anger like Chewbacca
Don't shout and scream at me, oh father
I'm a Casual Gamer.

I'm still the same boy you sat with
And played through co-op Gears
But I've been hiding what I really feel
For the last 15 years
Where do we go from here, oh father
Perhaps we could meet halfway
And find a gaming stopgap
Perhaps a Live Arcade game
Or something from Popcap
Where do we go from here, oh father

I'm sorry if I've injured your pride
I'm not ashamed of what I am inside
I hope we can move forwards, side by side
As the casual and hardcore worlds collide
We can take prejudice and brush it aside
And pray the conflict between us will subside

Oh father, I've cried, and cried and cried, because

I'm a Casual Gamer...

Alternate chorus
I can't be the gamer you wanted me to be
I don't want to play Final Fantasy
Just Noel Edmond's Deal or No Deal on the Wii
Oh father, I'm a Casual Gamer

Gold Membership 2009

It's not easy being thirty five
And playing games, on Xbox Live
And being called a cheating faggot noob
You're 12 and live in Kansas City
Glasses spots, you're none too pretty
1000 hours clocked on halo 2
And this is a co-op terrorist hunt
So don't shoot me in the back you (very silly person)
I'm sitting out the round now I've died
And it's impossible to capture flags
And defending positions is such a drag,
When your team don't understand the concept of sides

35 quid for this
35 quid for this shit
35 for my Gold Membership

And I don't want to listen to foreign rap
Interspersed with you speaking crap
I don't care what you did at school
You're an irritating gobby twat
And your headset gives you an excuse to spew crap
And act like the village fool
I'm old I'm married, and I'm feeling harried
I didn't take your sniper rifle Larry
The weapons on the maps are for everyone
Oh you can try to confuse me, then to abuse me
Spewing expletives like a pair of Uzis
Bugger off back to America Son

35 quid for this
35 quid for this shit
35 for my Gold Membership

I'd cancel my membership, but I ain't got time
I'm still holding out for True Fantasy Live Online

Goodbye Gordon

I need to have a word with you, Gordon dear
So stop fiddling with your gravity gun and sit over here
We need to take this relationship to the Source
And work out why things are on a spiralling downward course

Maybe it's because you're a metaphor for hope
A mysterious cipher sent to help humanity cope
But I wish we could snuggle up on the sofa, and chat, you and me
Without you noisily recharging your Mark 5 HEV

I wish you could show me a little more respect
I don't want a romantic train ride to Nova Prospekt
Lets go to the Coast again, and I'll be the chauffeur
Just promise me this time you'll leave behind your crowbar

I wish we could get closer, but we never have the time
I'll always come second to you murdering the Combine
You've always got space in your inventory
How come you've never got space in your heart for me?

I wish you'd just look adoringly at my face
At not off in the middle-distance at a mysterious man with a briefcase

You know I'll never stop, ever loving you
I loved you since you saved my life in Episode 2
But Gordon, if you could have just said something in return
Instead of standing  there so silent and taciturn

You only communicate through acts of xenophobic violence
We can't build a relationship on perpetual silence
All I ever wanted is for you to say you loved me
That's why I've been sleeping with Barney
He may be swarthy, and just a hero's sidekick
But he knows just what makes a woman tick
I gave my heart to him and he gave his to me
Goodbye Gordon, you'll walk alone through Episode 3

I've been sleeping with Barney
I've been sleeping with Barney
I've been sleeping with Barney...

Random Encounter


I was an amnesiac orphaned teenager,
On a mission to wreak vengeance
A floppy blonde haired main protagonist
(Man or woman I wasn't sure which)
Evil forces came to my sleepy town
And mowed the lot to the ground
(In a later plot twist this village destroyer
Turned out to be my long lost father...)

So my life got a little JRPG
I craved a little linearity
I wanted prescribed things to happen to me
And my heroic acts rendered in FMV
My quest began, when I met an innkeeper fella
Who wanted me to kill the rats in his cellar
Then I went to a fire dungeon, a misty forest, and a flying ship
Full of giant spiders and extended cutscenes I couldn't skip

Then I got attacked by Sky Pirates
I couldn't avoid you, my screen shattered apart
I thought my guard was exceptionally high
But you broke straight through my defensive lines
I felt my mana draining, I lost my initiative
And you got the first critical attack in
Oh I just can't stop thinking about her,
Was it love, or just a random encounter?

You routed me, you gave me hell
I used 6 potions, and a healing spell
I'm just a lowly, defenceless wizard
I'd have been bested by a bullemic lizard
So I turned tail and ran away
And ground out levels for the rest of the day
So when we next met, my pirate love
I was able to cast spells above level 1

I wanted to speak all night, you and me
I wanted to exhaust your dialogue tree...

So we fought again, tooth and nail, you and I
On that floating pirate ship up in the sky
And my prospective in-game love interest died
Obviously not protected by her ample thighs
If only your armour had covered your chest
Practicality over eroticism would have been best
I thought we'd be together for 100 hours and 3 DVDs
Who knows the wonders we could have seen?
But just like Aeris you died a little too soon,
Who knows what sort of relationship could have bloomed?
I guess I should have known the relationship would come to 'owt
Cos the “Talk” option on the menu when I selected you...


....was always greyed out.


Subscription Cancelled

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and relations,
Thank you for joining today's celebrations.
As Ste's Best Man it's my pleasure to do the dutiful
I think you'll agree the bridesmaids and Lisa look beautiful
After they first met, Ste sent me a e-mail about her
Titled: “A definitive list of things wrong with Lisa”
I was shocked and confused, I'll be frank
Because the body of the e-mail was blank
 
CHORUS 1
I blasted back “How can you claim she's the best
On the basis of a single evening's playtest?
Is she a fleeting “flavour of the month” attraction?
Or are you doing this to incite an internet reaction

I said “You're putting her on a pedestal like Halo”
“Half Life 2, Ocarina of Time or Gran Turismo”
But I think if you're going to label something as perfection
You need a sufficient period of critical reflection
Here's a message from some friends who can't be here today
The Internet Gaming Community has asked me to say:
Quote “Sub cancelled, Ste, you always get it wrong”
“Your bias Lisa-centric editorial been going on far too long,”

But Ste, as your Best Man, I just have to speak
I now support the reasoning behind your wifely critique
So lets not stuck over-analysing why
Let's avoid another mistake like Goldeneye
Even if she has a library level
I'm sure we'd all rather ignore this and revel
So lets raise a toast to this couple's new life
To Ste and his critically acclaimed wife
 
Spoken over outro...
“You like wives? You'll love this! 10/10” ign.com
“If you only marry one wife this year, then this is the one to marry! 10/10” Gamespot UK
“Redefines everything a wife can be. Impressive, confident stuff 10/10” Eurogamer.net
“Made me grin from beginning to end. A+” 1UP Network
“Possibly the most important wife of the last 5 years 10/10” gamesTM
“Doesn't put a foot wrong. Entertaining, innovative and surprising” Guardian Gamesblog
“The dress was nothing special, and we didn't like the cake” 7/10 EDGE Magazine