Contents

1. 1 Introduction
2. 2 7 out of 10
3. 3 Akihabara Above
4. 4 The Ballad Of Ann Scantlebury
5. 5 Billy
6. 6 Fingers Turned Into Fists (lyrics by M. Kumar)
7. 7 Coming Out
8. 8 Gold Membership 2009
9. 9 Goodbye Gordon
10. 10 Random Encounter

Introduction

This page contains selected lyrics for the doyouinverts (thedoyouinverts.blogspot.com) song library, so you can now sing along at home. New lyrics will be added as a new song is added to the blog, and older lyrics will be added as and when I get around to it.

7 out of 10

As I sat on the sofa reading EDGE magazine
You turned off Eastenders and turned to me
We'd been married 15 years or more
When you took my hand, clasped it in yours
You asked me if I loved you yeah
I said, babe, I'll love you forever
You looked at me defiantly then
And said, “Well what would you give me out of ten?”
There was a moment that I sat thinking
I said I'd probably give you a seven
I saw your face, your anger raw
I protested that seven was a decent score
I don't give out 9s willy nilly
And a 10 would redefine femininity
I class an average as a 5
I was lucky I made it out of there alive

You've got me all wrong dear
You're a fundamentally solid example within your genre
And people who like people like you will like yer.'
But I just couldn't ignore, your poorly texture mapped hair.

As we spoke on the phone an hour later
I tried to find the words to placate her
I said it's probably up for debate
Whether you deserve a 7 or an 8
You're a bit like Assasin's Creed
Sometimes something flawed is what a man needs
I was left to ponder this alone
Just listening to the dialling tone

I want to be with you all of the time
But I can't overlook, your unfair level design
I'm not saying you're a bitch
But when was the last time you let me invert my stick

I rang you back I thought I oughta'
I said come on love you're no Full Auto
You're one mark better than Kane and Lynch
Lets go out and discuss this over lunch
But with sudden violent force
You asked me for a divorce
Said I'd made you feel emotionally torn
And that you were thinking of going multi-platform

I want us to spend out lives together
But I'm not so naïve to think there's nothing better
Don 't lets make an issue out of this
Lets wait to see what you get
On metacritic.

Akihabara Above

When we first met your body was cellophane wrapped
You were young, innocent and your seal was intact
Dressed by the by the shipping staff at playasia
A vision in bubble wrap and packing paper
After so many PALs, I craved NTSC
Wanted to lose my foreign gaming virginity

My Imported Love
It's like you fell from Akihabara above
Everything perfect, nothing missing
A Japanese Special Edition

I couldn't read you at all, you were a mystery
I wished with all my heart I could read Kanji
You contained schoolgirls, and tentacle related horror
You were only suitable for players of age 18 and over
I was taken aback by this peculiar notion
I thought you were a train management simulation

My Imported Love
It's like you fell from Akihabara above
You don't speak a word of English
Apart from badly photocopied insert

I didn't need subtitles, for you to win my heart
Things were perfect from the point I pressed start
But time has passed, the first flush of love has gone
Your spine card is missing, your instructions torn
I've put an advert up on RLLMUK,
15 quid + PnP to take you away

My preowned love
I thought you might have been the one
All the times we shared
I've never had a British love that could compare
Goodbye, it's time to go
I'm trading you, oh, harsh I know
But you're a collectible, and the bills are mounting
It's a case of love

....overruled by simple accounting

The Ballad Of Ann Scantlebury

We met back in 98
In the Arcade by the Bowling Lanes
You were playing Sega Rally
We Had a drink, and we got quite pally
You said you loved the videogames
And we could go round to yours and play all day
You said you had a copy of Zelda
Me the hunchback to your Esmerelda

You lied to me, you lied to me
I've married Anne Scantlebury
You hate gaming, You think gaming's lame
Even when we met back at the bowling lanes
You pretended to like it to meet boys
You hate the violence and the bleeping noise
You scream and wail like a banshee
Because of the time it takes on our tv

You're my wife and love you forever
But we should be together
Sharing our hopes and fears
Together on co-op Gears
With you by my side
Connecting over Xbox Live
So what do you think
Maybe we need to make our Systems Link

And now I'm in the damp spare bedroom.
Playing my games, all alone
I'd quite like to go around to Brian's
But now the baby's started crying
The relationship seems to have stalled
Since the sparks in that bowling hall
But I'll try not to have regrets
No matter how bad the relationship gets

You're my wife and love you forever
But we should be together
Sharing our hopes and fears
Together on co-op Gears
Only if you were right there with me
Splitscreen on Halo ODST
So what do you say
Lets get some pads and just play?

Billy

As Billy left school that day, they were waiting by the fence.
They couldn't stand his glasses, or his intelligence.
He remembered thinking clearly as they put the boot in:
‘I wish I was strong and bendy like Dhalsim’.
Stumbled into the kitchen, battered black and blue.
His mother said ‘Dear God, Billy, what did they do to you?’
Billy muttered back ‘It's pointless to be brave when
You're up against griefers, you're reasoning with cavemen’.

Billy, don't be silly, his mother said.
You need to cheat in life if you want to get ahead.
Use all the options that are open to you
And you can finally bid those nasty bullies, adieu

Next day they were there again, he saw trouble ahead -
They were milling round like extras from Typing Of The Dead.
Ugly zombie brains, filled with player killing thoughts.
Gave Billy a wedgie in his schoolboy shorts
It was looking bad as the mouth-breathers closed in,
He recalled his mum's advice and it saved his skin.
Billy cried ‘idspispopd’
And to everyone’s amazement, with one bound he was free.

‘Billy, don't be silly’, his father said that night,
‘You need to turn and face them if you want to win this fight.
Cheating grants power, but it takes responsibility -
(Even so, son, hurt them plenty for me)’.

Next day, armed with knowledge and ready to dual,
Billy took a deep breath and marched into school.
He found the knuckle-draggers, eyed them all defiantly
Pressed tilde and softly uttered ‘iddqd’.
The first punch that hit Billy bounced harmlessly away,
Then Billy followed up with ‘idkfa’.
Apocalypse Noww. More monstrous than Loch Ness.
Thank god Billy never used ‘i.d.c.h.o.p.p.e.r.s’.

Billy Smashed Pumpkins into Small Pieces of Putrid Debris
He was as crooked as a UKIP MEP.
There's no point fighting honest or following principles:
No clip, all weapons, god mode, makes anyone invincible.
The overriding moral from Billy's tale
Is that though the quest is perilous, there is a Holy Grail.
Losing is for losers, there’s no virtue in defeat,
Only fools play by the rules, so cheat cheat cheat.

UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT AB START

Fingers Turned Into Fists (lyrics by M. Kumar)

I was born bleeding on a pub toilet floor
My father came in, took one look at me
And said this is all he'll ever know

But as the clocks moved forward my fingers grew to fists
Fists like his, but I didn't use them on her
I built them to wrap around joystick and hammer on buttons
Because my desperate blinkers had narrowed a route to blinking lights

The floors were sticky and the air was thick
Just like he said was all I'd ever know
But my coins could chime me new beginnings
And take me where he could never be

My fights? My fights were perfect, sweeping down, forward, up, fierce
My patterns? My patterns were flawless, cherries, apples, keys and crowns
I could burst bubbles and cast down rainbows like a passing breeze
I had power... I had power, and I was sure nothing could take that away from me, nothing

Nothing

I thought I could be free
I knew I could be free, as long as I had that escape
But clocks keep moving and lights blink out
And eventually, my fists had nowhere to go

There was nowhere to go.

Back bleeding on that pub bathroom floor
My father took one last look at me
And said this is all I'd ever know

Coming Out

A protracted silence,
Hangs limply in the air
My hopes you'd understand,
Dashed by your icy stare
Just give me a chance to explain, oh father
I know this is hard, and
You're hurting to the core
I know the road I'm walking
Is a road that you abhor
Just give me a chance to explain, oh father

I can see the mistrust and hatred in your eyes
I'm just not like all the other guys
Oh father I've become what you despise,
I'm a Casual Gamer

When I told mother yesterday
She said she always knew
But I can see how devastating
This revelation is to you
Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father
I still love you daddy
But I know you'll feel betrayed
Can you love me for who I am
And not the games I've played?
Don't walk away from me, stay and talk, oh Father

I loved FreeCell instead of Secret Weapons of The Luftwaffe
Now you're externalising your anger like Chewbacca
Don't shout and scream at me, oh father
I'm a Casual Gamer.

I'm still the same boy you sat with
And played through co-op Gears
But I've been hiding what I really feel
For the last 15 years
Where do we go from here, oh father
Perhaps we could meet halfway
And find a gaming stopgap
Perhaps a Live Arcade game
Or something from Popcap
Where do we go from here, oh father

I'm sorry if I've injured your pride
I'm not ashamed of what I am inside
I hope we can move forwards, side by side
As the casual and hardcore worlds collide
We can take prejudice and brush it aside
And pray the conflict between us will subside

Oh father, I've cried, and cried and cried, because

I'm a Casual Gamer...

Alternate chorus
I can't be the gamer you wanted me to be
I don't want to play Final Fantasy
Just Noel Edmond's Deal or No Deal on the Wii
Oh father, I'm a Casual Gamer

Gold Membership 2009

It's not easy being thirty five
And playing games, on Xbox Live
And being called a cheating faggot noob
You're 12 and live in Kansas City
Glasses spots, you're none too pretty
1000 hours clocked on halo 2
And this is a co-op terrorist hunt
So don't shoot me in the back you (very silly person)
I'm sitting out the round now I've died
And it's impossible to capture flags
And defending positions is such a drag,
When your team don't understand the concept of sides

35 quid for this
35 quid for this shit
35 for my Gold Membership

And I don't want to listen to foreign rap
Interspersed with you speaking crap
I don't care what you did at school
You're an irritating gobby twat
And your headset gives you an excuse to spew crap
And act like the village fool
I'm old I'm married, and I'm feeling harried
I didn't take your sniper rifle Larry
The weapons on the maps are for everyone
Oh you can try to confuse me, then to abuse me
Spewing expletives like a pair of Uzis
Bugger off back to America Son

35 quid for this
35 quid for this shit
35 for my Gold Membership

I'd cancel my membership, but I ain't got time
I'm still holding out for True Fantasy Live Online

Goodbye Gordon