JOKES on a variety of subjects A man, hiking through a forest, rescued a genie from the jaws of a lion. In gratitude, the genie said, “Tell me you’re dearest wish and I will do all in my power to grant it.” The man said, “I would like a bridge extending across the whole earth.” “Sorry, I can’t manage that,” said the genie. “What else do you wish for?” “Can you make politicians honest?” the man asked. The genie hesitated, then said, “Getting back to that bridge.---” A client asked his solicitor, “How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?” “£300.” “Isn’t that rather a lot?” asked the client. “Yes.” the solicitor said. “Now, what’s your third question?” A taxi-driver groused to a passenger, “Lady, this tip is an insult.” Snatching it out of his hand, she said, “Sir, I would not dream of insulting you further.” In one monastery, the vow of silence was so strictly enforced as to allow one monk to make one statement after every seven years. Thus, after seven years, one monk said, “I love oatmeal.” After the next seven years, another replied, “I hate oatmeal.” Then, after the third seven years, a third monk said, “I’m tired of all this bickering about oatmeal.” How many psycho-therapists does it take to change a light-bulb? Only one, but it has to truly want to be changed. When a rector scolded a lad for swearing, the lad said, “But you yourself swear all the time-in church for example.” “I’ll tell you what,” said the rector, “you come to church this Sunday, and if I swear even once, I’ll bake you an apple pie.” That next Sunday, the rector said, “By God I live, by God I die.” “By God, I get my apple pie.” called the young parishioner. A woman gloated to the ladies at her bridge club, “My son adores me so much he pays a Doctor lots of money to let him lie on his couch for an hour each week just to talk about me.” After knocking at the door of a convent, a laundryman asked, “Has anyone here got any dirty habits?” A cannibal asked his wife, “What’s for dinner?” She replied, “Baked beings.” Three men were accused of having stolen a prize-winning dog, a racehorse and valuable rifle. The first man protested, “I’ve had this dog since it was a pup.” The second man claimed, “I’ve had this horse since it was a colt.” The third man contended, “I’ve had this gun since it was a pistol.” A policeman pulled a driver aside for having a penguin in his passenger seat. “Take that penguin to the zoo” stormed the policeman. “Quite right, I will, officer.” Next day, the same policeman saw the same car, still sporting its penguin. Ordering it aside, the policeman demanded, “Didn’t I tell you to take that penguin to the zoo?” “Right, officer,” said the driver, “I did just as you said. The thing is, my penguin had such a terrific time at the zoo I decided to take him to the cinema. Can you suggest a good film for us?” Two lads shared a passion for baseball. They promised each other that the first of them to die would return to earth tell his mate whether there was baseball in heaven. As agreed, after one of them died, he came back to tell his friend, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is baseball in heaven. The bad news? You will be pitching on Tuesday.” A judge asked a woman in the witness box, “Madame, are you trying to show contempt for this court?” “On the contrary, your honour,” she replied, “I am trying to hide it.” A frog came into a bank to request a loan. The loan officer he spoke to was named Patty Black. The frogs’ only collateral was an odd-looking object carved from ivory and rubies. Patty knew the item had value, but did not know how to categorize it. Thus, asking the frog to wait a moment, she brought the object to her manager. After assessing its worth, he said, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Black; give the frog a loan.” A drunk told a sober man, “You are ugly.” “You’re drunk,” the man said. “Right,” said the drunk, “But I will be sober tomorrow.” A solicitor, driving by a field, saw a man by the roadside, devouring grass. Drawing near him, the solicitor said, “My friend, why are you eating grass?” “Because I’ve lost everything,” said the man. “If I couldn’t find grass to eat, I would starve, so I feed off these grasslands.” “I can’t allow this to go on,” said the solicitor. “Get into my car. I am going to drive you straight to my home. In my garden, the grass is a foot high, so you can have quite a banquet.” A young man gave his fiancée a nightgown for Christmas. To his dismay, she unwrapped it in front of her parents. Stymied for something to say, the young man said, “It is the thought that counts, isn’t it?” Whilst taking a patient’s pulse, a doctor said, “My friend, either my watch has stopped or you are dead.” A kangaroo told a doctor, “I’m worried because lately I seem to be a bit less jumpy.” Man: “You are terrific company.” Woman: “I wish I could say the same for you “ Man: “You could if you were as polite a liar as I am.” A lady joined a church where she felt herself welcomed-except by one parishioner who always seemed to avoid her. One Sunday she was unable to attend the service. The following week, the moment she walked in, the once-distant parishioner enveloped her in an enormous hug. Later, during his sermon, the vicar said, “I hope each of you did as I asked last Sunday by hugging whatever person you most intensely dislike.” A man on vacation in Las Vegas requested a call-girl to visit his room. When she arrived, he held out ten dollars and said, “This is all I can pay you.” She stormed out, indignant. Later, the call-girl saw the man in the hotel’s restaurant having dinner with his wife. Walking by their table, she hissed, “That’s what you get for ten dollars.” Overheard at a pharmacy: “I can never manage those child-safe caps, so I ask my six-year-old .” A TV evangelist asked each of his viewers to send him the largest bill they possessed, whereupon One man mailed him his mortgage. American writer Dorothy Parker once met English writer Somerset Maugham at a social gathering. Maugham, aware Ms. Parker was well-known for her poetry, handed her a pencil and asked her to dash off a poem for him. In response to this condescension, Ms. Parker wrote: Higgledy Piggledy, my fat hen, She writes poems for gentlemen. How not to write what you mean; these extracts are from published work This watch is for a woman with an inch and a half face. He liked the holiday more than his wife. A father told a toddler who was asking to be fed; eat yourself. In the Courtroom Q: Are you married? A: No, I’m divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn’t know about. TO A FRIEND PLAGUED BY SINUS MISERIES By Kathleen Harvey OH Genevieve, for you I grieve Each time your nose needs to be blown. Here’s a suggestion to ease your congestion: Enter your name in our local swap column With a plea so solemn To trade in your nose For an old piece of hose, A flute, or any item at all That is empty and hollow. A young woman was employed to deliver summonses, in person, to those who were to be brought into court. Not surprisingly, those fearing such demands found countless strategies to evade being located. One such man proved uniquely elusive. After painstaking effort, the young woman learned that he was employed as chief chef in an up-market restaurant. Given this knowledge, dressed in her best, the young woman went with her husband to that restaurant on an evening when she had established her target would almost certainly be there. Following a magnificent dinner, she asked permission to go into the kitchen to thank the chef in-person. Once there, she voiced her appreciation, then handed him an envelope. Expecting a munificent tip, he was horrified when its contents consisted of his court summons. At an early age, an accident forced author Louise Baker to have one leg amputated. Later, people would sometimes remark, “Oh my dear, you’ve lost a leg.” Ms. Baker would reply with the sardonic humour which runs throughout her memoir, Have I? How careless of me!” Source: Out on a Limb by Louise Baker. If it weren’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all. Michael Weisskopf No generalization is worth a dam, including this one. Oliver Wendell Holmes I believe that it’s better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked. Mae West I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson |