updated May 5, 2023

Steve Basford in Columbus, Ohio

See my page on college football at sites.google.com/site/stevescollegefootballpage

See my page on movies at sites.google.com/site/stevesmoviesworld

Follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/steverb10

Write to me at steverb10@yahoo.com

What do they call something that is really complex … a brainer?

 Are puns appreciated by only groan-ups?

What determines if something is an odd versus an end?

I finally recognized the song Take On Me.  It was an a-ha moment.

If you want to register for an Anger Management class but are told that it is already full, what would be your reaction?

Our high school was so small that we couldn't have a swimming and diving team, just a diving team.  After a dive, the diver had to stay in the pool.

Is there such a thing as a conservative arts college?

When I was a kid, my parents had me cut the grass.  After two years, the scissors broke, and I was allowed to use the mower.

I told my family that we were going skiing in Colorado, or else! It was a Vailed threat.

Does the expression "Never the Twain shall meet" refer to Mark and Shania?

I've been watching the movies The Verdict, The Hustler, and Hud over and over again. I feel like a Newman.

If Casey Stengel were alive today, would he say "You could Google it"?

I was interested in the Internet as a young kid. I was a child Prodigy.

I always thought that a midwife was an engaged woman.

I am going to sue the sporting goods for false advertising. Their ad said that they had free weights.

The Family Size package of cereal is a real bargain, but since my family lives far away, I can't buy it.

A franchise owner at 7-Eleven married a franchise owner at Circle K.  It was a marriage of convenience.

I thought that I saw the writing on the wall, but it turned out to be graffiti.

I gave up lentils for Lent.  I was left with ils.

The amount due for my dinner at the Chinese restaurant was hard to read.  It was a dim sum.

Did the Woolworth company ever nickel and dime a customer?

AAMCO Transmissions & Total Car Care is hiring. All shifts.

The leader of our theater troupe resigned, so we named an acting director.

I got a really good deal on a chess set, at a pawn shop.

I have read all of Shakespeare's works, literally.

The playground now has piped in music.  Yes, it's swing music.

I lost my guitar pick.  I'm not going to fret.

Why is the polka the only dance with dots?

Was the governor of South Carolina in 1860 voted Most Likely to Secede?

When a cowboy in France has a salad, is he torn between French dressing and ranch dressing?

I can throw a stick 100 yards, and my dog will bring it back.  I know that sounds far-fetched.

Are there goldfish at the end of a school of rainbow trout?

Do areas of the country with an equal number of exotic birds have parity?

I overheard my neighbor talking about repairing his sagging roof.  It was a case of eavesdropping.

The Mack Truck company is having a sale ... two semi-trucks for the price of one.

I interviewed for a job in a mirror company.  They asked me where I saw myself in five years.

I had an office job at Amazon. It wasn't fulfilling.

I see signs along the highway for lodging, but I never see a lodge.

I spent a night at a state park.  Then I dislodged.

I bought a Blu-ray player.  The first movies that I bought were Blue and Ray.

How do movie companies know that there is a theater near me?

Was the movie The Exorcist successful?  It grossed about 204 million.

If you have only one irrational fear, is that a phobium?

What is a recliner called when you are not reclining?

I took a picture of a farmer in his corn field.  I had it cropped.

To be politically correct, animal husbandry is now known as animal spousery.

Did you hear about the dancer who wanted join the Rockettes?  She practiced hard to get a leg up on the competition.

The Dancing with the Stars series that had sports stars had to be cancelled.  They came down with athlete's foot.

I am suing my orthodontist.  My lawyer wants a retainer.

My contact lenses are from overseas.  I have a foreign object in my eye.

My dentist and manicurist didn't get along.  They fought tooth and nail.

My favorite bakery needs better health standards.  One of the employees had her hair in a bun.

There's toast and a toaster.  Is there a toastest?

When a mostly bald man gets his hair cut, is the employee still called a stylist?

Was the most important official on a pirate ship the Treasurer?

I have worked at 7-Eleven, Five Below, Five Guys, and rue21 ... several odd jobs.

In Australia, when things go bad, is the expression "things have gone north"?

Why do we say "based on past experience"?  Is there any other kind?

If you have a plan to get a breath mint, do you have a Tic Tac tactic?

I own Marcel Marceau's props.  I won them in a silent auction.

Why not change the expression "at the end of the day" to "at midnight"?

How often must a question be asked before it is a FAQ?

Wouldn't be ironic if Plato did not have a Platonic relationship with anyone?

Perfect example of irony: buying brick and mortar from an online store.

Are the other major rivers of the world jealous that they don't have an online store?

I paddled my kayak down the stream, then paddled backwards.  It was still a kayak.

What's the worst possible negative surprise?  A Pandora's box of worms.

Does every book about abdominal surgery have an appendix?

If there is a book on the development of the Slip 'n Slide, would it be in the non-friction section?

Those "100 ________ to _________ Before You Die" books ... as opposed to what?

Did you ever want to go on Wheel of Fortune and ask if you could buy a diphthong?

If a woman approaches the restrooms and sees the symbol for the women's restroom, can she still enter if she is not wearing a dress?

After receiving an affront, are you taken aback?

Have you ever seen a bum who wasn't lazy?

Does malarkey come only in bunches?

 Some airlines advertise that they now have more leg room. I'd rather fly on the one that has more legs room.

If you lie about the material in your suit, is it a fabrication?

Sign at the chiropractor: We Got Your Back.

If you hastily decide to be a cowboy, is it on the spur of the moment?

If you do a yeoman's work, does the yeoman get laid off?

I know that the Pacific Ocean is deep, I just can't fathom how deep.

Where exactly is mid-air?

If Steven Spielberg is misbehaving while on the set, would you ask him to stop making a scene?

I saw a documentary about the construction of the Empire State Building.  It was riveting.

I saw a documentary about sponges.  It was absorbing.

I had heard that the tram ride up Pikes Peak is steep.  I am inclined to agree.

Since banks have a digital sign outside showing the temperature, shouldn't the Weather Center inform about interest rates?

Her lips were plain, and I didn't gloss over it.

When I was a kid, I had an ingrown toenail, but I outgrew it.

If a slap on the wrist is minor, and a slap on the face is major, then a slap on the shoulder must be fairly significant?

I told the traffic court judge that I had not paid my speeding ticket because I could not read the fine print.

 If you think about water pollution, are you having impure thoughts?

 I stay awake at nights, pondering: LeAnn Rimes ... with what?

 Have you ever met an imperfect stranger, or a partial stranger?

When we hear that the carjacker left on foot, I imagine him hopping!

After an intense task, have you ever seen someone roll down their sleeves?

If time is money, why am I paying for 2 subscriptions?

If you put your hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2, do you adjust during Daylight Savings Time?

If your sleep was only slightly restless, would you toss but not turn?

Is the modernized expression "I hate to sound like a broken CD"?

 Why do we say "let me reiterate", but before that we never say "let me iterate"?

Did you ever want to tell Curt that you don't like it when he talks that way?

After a Rolling Stones concert, I was given a survey to complete.  The choices ranged from Very Satisfied to I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

Do orchestras make a concerted effort?

I was promoted to conductor for the orchestra. Before that, I was the semi-conductor.

A musician was rude to me.  I told him that I didn't like his tone.

The stringed instrument section of our orchestra is subpar, but I wouldn't harp on it.

 Is it OK to pontificate if you are not a pontiff?

It took me forever to decide whether to join the high school debate team.

 Is it OK for upperclassmen to use sophomoric humor?

 If you don't have any cohorts, does that make you a hort?

 In towns that have shoppes, do people go shoppeing?

 After you eat at Joe's Grille, do you pay the bille?

 If someone sends you a text message with a joke while you are in class, should you respond with LOQ ?

When I first went to school, the teacher wanted me to improve my crayonmanship, then my pencilmanship.

When I see a "No Outlet" sign on a street corner, I wonder if people who drive into the street never come out.

 I heard that "SLOW" warnings may soon be painted on 5th Avenue, but that's just the word on the street.

 I heard that the city may be repaving the sidewalks, but nothing concrete.

 If all of the buses are slow, are they still referred to as a fleet?

 If a subway worker helps you, would you give him a token of your appreciation?

 I wrapped a present with invisible tape, now I can't find it.

 If you say that you don't like sarcasm, but you really do, then you are being consistent.

 Have you ever asked someone a slow question?

 If you truly are a caring parent, then taking candy from a baby is OK.

I have a half sister. We call her Sis.

 If you think that double-decker beds are worthless, would you debunk them?

 If someone says that you wax your car too much, would you rebuff the suggestion?

Can you get a refund from Disney World if you are not amused?

 If you spend all day unloading mufflers, are you exhausted?

 If you need to finance your landscaping, would you use hedge funds?

 When tickets go on sale for a game, and we are told that there is no limit, can we order a million?

When sports anchors say "the Penguins will skate tonight in New York", why don't they say "the Lakers will dribble tonight in Boston"?

The team names 49ers and 76ers have a nice ring to them.  Luckily, no major events occurred in some other years so that we have the 11ers and the 12ers, for example.

If softball teams don't play fair, are they being underhanded?

I told Roger Federer that he was an OK tennis player.  It was a backhanded compliment.

When the home team loses, how come no one says "it's a shame"?

 Do high school basketball teams use a boy-to-boy defense?

Do teams in the Canadian Football League use the Statue of Liberty play?

 If there is no "I" in team, why do some football teams use the I formation?

If a quarterback gets injured while scrambling, does he have out-of-pocket expenses?

If the sports teams want to improve their chemistry, do the chemists want to improve their athleticism?

When we go to games, the PA announcer encourages us to be good sports and cheer for our favorite team.  What if our favorite team isn't playing?

 If Cy Young was so good, how come he never won the Cy Young Award?

 When two teams are playing and the winner will tie a third team for the championship, are they playing for half the marbles?

 In gymnastics, why don't they simplify the name of the event to the odd parallel bars?

We all know that marathoners give great effort, so why don't they go the extra mile?

It's good to have a bee in your bonnet.  Otherwise, it would be an onnet.

 If someone in Japan is graceful, do we describe it as haiku in motion?

 Since some things are absolutely free, are others partially free?

 If you are upset that your washing machine is not working, are you agitated?

If you start a roofing business, would you hang out your shingle?

 If a philosopher goes on a hunger strike, is he denied food for thought?

 Don't you wish that the CEO of Timex would include in a speech: "We will have no mechanical problems, not on my watch".

Did you hear about the tractor salesman whose girlfriend left him?  She wrote him a John Deere letter.

When the flu breaks out, do doctors work feverishly?

My doctor had no sympathy for the blisters on my hands.  I didn't like his callous attitude. 

If an honored dentist has a fall from grace, would they remove his plaque?

If your new dentist does his work well, has he made a good first impression?

 Weavers never know what looms ahead.

 Do moody bartenders have mixed emotions?

What do lactose-intolerant people say when asked to smile for a photo?

 When ranking cheeses, I am neutral on Swiss cheese.

 Our waiter is really good.  He brings so much to the table.

The Amazon quality control team does a thorough job. They check all the boxes.

If you go to Ikea, be sure to speak clearly if you say "I want one nightstand".

I went to a dude ranch, but I didn't see any surfers from Southern California.

When Bono has a birthday, do people sing "Happy Birthday, U2"?

If you get an idea at night, does it dusk on you?

 I know someone who changed his studies to humanities and became a success.  His curriculum included Philosophy and English.  The rest is history.

 If a stage crew is responsible for an enjoyable theatrical event, should you give it props?

I asked our office pool for someone to take dictation, but they were shorthanded.

 You should pay for a seance immediately, to have a happy medium.

 Would a member of PETA ever multitask, since that would be killing two birds with one stone?

 If a masseuse is inconsiderate, does she rub you the wrong way?

 What's good for the goose is good for the gander, unless someone cooks your goose.

 If you abruptly quit being a vegetarian, is that still considered cold turkey?

 Do vegetarians ever buy steak knives?

 If you have pineapple to share, would you dole it out?

 Is it OK to eat an appetizer if you don't have an appetite?

 Did you ever want to mess with your orthodontist by telling him to brace himself?

Has service slacked off a bit, so that some things now take a week to 11 days?

If you fall short of the ultimate, is that the mth degre?

Have you ever actually seen someone hop on a bus, or jump into a car?

How did they prove that no two snowflakes are alike?

 If there are so many naysayers, why don't we hear them say "nay"?

If I were a child in Spain, I'd be worried if I had in loco parentis.

When you go the Rogers Centre, do you know where to entre?

For many years, I thought that Perry Como was French for "how is Paris?"

Do the other four of the Great Lakes have an inferiority complex?

I once dated a woman who practiced polytheism.  Her personal ad was "Must Love Gods".

I have a friend who is agnostic.  When I send a text with surprising news, he replies with OM!

Did you ever want to go into Linens 'n Things and ask how much the things cost?

Wouldn't it be ironic if someone broke into Netflix headquarters, and there was no video?

Did you ever want to go into Home Depot and ask them how their shelf life is?

Did you ever want to go to the concession stand and ask them what they are conceding?

Does anyone actually go to a tire dealer to buy 3 tires, then get pleasantly surprised when they get a fourth tire free?

Why does United Dairy Farmers sell beer?  What breed of cows do the dairy farmers raise, Holsteins?

What is so special about Autumn that it gets an alternate name (Fall), but not Winter, Spring, and Summer?  How about giving them alternate names, such as Chill, Renew, and Sizzle?

When people say that they just had the best hamburger, would they be able to tell you the remainder of their Top Ten?

 Some coupons have "Hurry, offer expires at the end of the month".  Do people show up at the store out of breath?

 When we get a coupon that has “use this on your next visit”, what if you forget to use it? Should you feel guilty and apologize? Does that make the coupon null and void?

It's obvious what the company Staples sells.  Why isn't there a company called Gasoline, or one called Food?

Going to Wal-Mart is confusing.  In the parking lot, a sign has "Return Your Cart Here", but in the next aisle, the sign has "Return Your Cart Here".

 At convenience stores, the height measures on the exit range from 4'6" to 6'6".  What if a robber is taller or shorter, would the witness say "I have no idea how tall he was"?

Why do news services say that they will deliver their newsletter "straight to your inbox"?  Can we picture a straight line from the source to our inbox?

When Sudoku enthusiasts get together, how do they network -- "hey, how did you figure out what went into the third square on the second line yesterday"?

If you don't get it when someone tries to explain Sudoku to you, would you have a puzzled look?

When President Obama goes to a foreign country, why does the photo caption always have "President Obama shakes hands with an unidentified schoolboy"?   Do the editors think that if they identified the schoolboy, we would recognize him?

 Why does the TV weather person say that "it's 30 degrees, but it feels like 20"?  Does anyone know exactly what 20 feels like?

 When I was in England, I made a pie by pouring flour into a pie pan, and it took an hour to devour even though the filling was sour.  When I got back to the US, I tried making it by poring flor into a pie pan, and it took an hor to devor even though the filling was sor.

What's in a name ... ?

    Is it OK to say Yessiree to someone other than Bob?

    Why is Bob the only one to get a sled?

    Is Scott the only one who gets off free?

    Is Tom the only one who fools around or peeps?

    In countries that use the metric system,

     are there any inchworms?

     do cowboys wear a 37.85 liter hat?

     do they give great service by going the extra 1.6 kilometers?

     do they appreciate others by walking 1.6 kilometers in their shoes?

 One (or more) for the "-ages":

     If someone robs a pharmacy, is that pillage?

     Is a work stoppage followed by a startage?

    Is the signage near the doorage on the wallage?

    Is a power outage followed by an inage?

    Do fuel efficient cars in England get good kilometerage?