Erik Johnson (er!k spleentastic)

He may appear to be a mild mannered Wookie, but beneath the long hair and silly attitude he is actually an elite crossbowman. He holds the world record for most killed with one crossbow bolt. It is also rumored that he refuses to date anyone that doesn’t have an English accent and wear striped legwarmers. He also is a Viking deity.

Mike Palarz (Polish Sausage)

Mike tied the world record for number of breakfast sausages eaten under water in 2003. He also owns the original PS0, an early Sony prototype for the PS1. It is made of muenster cheese and lard crisps, and would be quite tasty were it not worth over 1 million dollars in the South African black market. He would be very rich except for the fact that no South African has 1 million dollars.

Brian Donohue (Mochi)

Brian Donohue is actually an ageless crystal entity capable of taking the shape of any object he desires. In his inexplicable and infinitely wise ways he took the form of a tall thin Irish teen capable of running the mile in .231 seconds. He does not do so however, as the friction created by his sneakers would actually cause the tectonic plates to burst into flame and knock the Earth out of its orbit.

Alex Freniere (Sensei)

A young boy once described Alex as, “redcrayonlasersamuraitastic.” He was actually incorrect, as Alex is a Ninja, not a Samurai. He is capable of slitting throats by simply narrowing his eyes. It is rumored that he dabbles in Necromancy and may or may not have a legion of undead minions at his disposal. He also has really sweaty hands. 

Tommy Oates (Testicular Manslaughter)

The shaggy heartthrob of the bunch, Tommy is a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. His B+Up combo causes him to leap into the air and eject gelatinous blobs of radiation from his eyes and his B+Down combo allows him to transform into various female X-Men with the power to walk through walls. Don’t forget to try out his taunt by pressing up on the D-Pad.

Kevin McHugh (Axel McFreakingswitchblade)

Kevin is probably the best Jedi the Jedi have ever seen. However, he lost all his force powers in a tragic accident where his hair was removed by a rusty pencil sharpener. Now he walks the earth in hopes that his power and hair will return. He’s known for his skill on the radio, and can fix lawnmowers with the power of his mind.

 Matt Glazier (Slash Kick)

Known for his ability to enter the Matrix by climbing into his modem, he is only hampered by the fact that his connection is 56k. What follows is a slow-motion battle of epic proportion as he suffers the wrath of multiple copies of his various ex-girlfriends. It is a good thing that he can shoot hellfire from his mouth; otherwise he’d be pretty screwed. It is rumored he has nicely shaped arms. 

Jon Vasdekas (Condoleeza Badass)

 If Erik is Chewbacca, Tom is Han, and Kevin is Luke, Jon is Leia. He's got a quick tongue, a hard body, and pretty brown eyes. He even killed a hutt! But beneath the rough exterior, there's a soft sensitive side. A soft sensitive side that will win the heart of Han and dedicate itself to the well-being of Luke. Into the garbage chute flyboy!