Skittles XVI, To Boldly Go . . . . . .
Sevenside – the final frontier. These are the odysseys of an old blue Leyland Daf, Its winter long mission: to seek out strange old pubs and social clubs, To boldly go where no Saints team’s gone before . . . . .
The moment had finally arrived. With the Venga bus already parked in The ‘Mead, The Squire’s; The Rocket Man With No Arse and Vivienne Actually (oooh get you!) were finally to get picked up from home in the blue chariot. Vivienne had surely proudly told all her neighbours about her forthcoming treat but oddly none were watching as we arrived so the engine was revved loudly to remind them of the spectacle on their doorstep. This, for some strange reason, caused Vivienne to hide her face as she quickly climbed aboard! Our destination on this Wednesday evening was a battle with the Geriatrics on the far side of the galaxy, the longest journey we faced this season to the other side of the A403 at the Kings Arms, Pilning on the road to Redwick. Despite the distance and the day of the week, we still had a decent squad, even so, a skittle’s virgin, a tubby, fresh faced youth of 31, The Puffer Gallagher’s son, Matthew, was to make his debut. Nine of us made the long trek to Pilning, six on the bus; Me - The Copperheaded Barsteward driving, Phil of the Herd, The Puffer, Matthew the Lump, TMWNA and Vivienne (oooh get you), with Railings the chalk flying in solo aboard the Kia and The Blowhard Lino, TWCWEH Phelper chauffeuring The Old Comrade in the Ropey Rover. These last three were lucky to escape a fine, crossing the threshold at 8;29 pm.
Quaffing a very fine pint of Courage Best, my heart sank as we went to the outside alley, a general cry went up “Oh no, long alley, thin pins!” We had come across this before and feared the worst; this combination had brought about my shameful 14 at The Bunker and The Pumphouse’s 18 at Olveston. Strategy decided; start with a dependable opening pair, Phil of the Herd and Squire TMWNA. They both got average 26’s unfortunately their, geriatric, literally, geriatrics got 34 a piece, sixteen pins down already. Should we bring on the big guns Neddy Railings and The Old Comrade or keep our powder dry for a match winning final salvo? The latter was counselled and it was left to The Blowhard Lino TWCWEH and The Puffer to steady the ship. Nelson would’ve been proud of The Puffers attempt to do his duty, he equalled his geriatric counterpart’s 32 but The Blowhard Lino would’ve been keelhauled for his scurvy knavery! 2, 2 duck, 3, 4 followed by the jamiest 5 with the last ball of the final up, saw the Popeye look-alike Phelps (see www.smobrugby.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=419&PN=2 ) escape the ignominy of the worst away score. (That honour still belongs, as mentioned before, to yours truly.). His opponent got 26; we were now an insurmountable 26 pins behind. Realising that we were unlikely to make up the deficit, it was agreed to let The Lump and Ooh Get You make their debuts. Vivienne scoring a creditable (for a girl – whadya mean patronising? It’s my report I can be as un-PC as I want!!) 22 but The Lump of Goo was a revelation and scored 35. Unfortunately, his in laws live in Pilning and his Brother-in-Law was watching, his score was therefore considered to be classed as showing off and he was duly fined! The final Geriatrics scored 33 & 29 which meant The Saints had lost by 31 pins.
We retired to the bar to see to Fines for The Bash.
It was decided that as we have got such a big squad now and we want more than a popadum and an onion bahji at the bash, all regular players would be fined 50p for non-attendance therefore Pumphouse, Shifty, Sid (T2nd WCWEH), Neddy jnr, Village, The Voice of Skittles, Hoppity & El Presidenté will all be charged at their next attendance. It should be noted that El Presidenté’s fines now total £7.50.
TMWNA (Ken) managed to knock over the back pin without disturbing any others, although actually shite play, this, as usual, was considered to be showing off, 50p. He put two balls in the gutter £1, he also broke the cladding at the back of the alley and as a precedent has been set for this unsporting act (see http://sites.google.com/site/smobrugby/skittles/skittles3theodysseytopilning-1 )he was fined a further 50p. With playing subs to be added his total was £4. The Worst Chairman We Ever Had (yet) Phelper, was fined 20p for shouting out ‘spare on’ when it obviously wasn’t, he was also fined £1 for his duck, with subs he was extremely lucky, considering his abject incompetence, to only have to pay out £3.20!
Phil of the Herd was also caught showing off by knocking down the rearmost pin first 50p, he also displayed too keen an attitude easily beating the balls back to the alley 20p, with subs £2.70.
The Puffer Gallagher was also guilty of being too keen, 20p, and showing off by targeting the rear pin first, 50p. He also had a bit of a tantrum when his ball didn’t go where he aimed them, 20p Total £2.90.
Young Matthew The Lump of Goo Gallagher, more used to the manners of the building site and the rugby scrum (where he can usually be found leaning for a rest), unsportingly put a Geriatric off his throw by crashing back from the bar with a drink 50p. Being an innocent youth he was not used to the harsh ways of the world and was naively trapped into addressing the pins too early, not once, not twice but three times, he soon found out to his cost that the fine doubles for repeated offences, these three cost him 80p. He was also guilty of showing off by getting the clap in front of his girlfriend’s family on his debut 50p. Plus subs, a total of £3.80.
Vivienne (oooh get you!) Squire twice found the gutter £1, and, typically of a woman, moaned about the style and comfort of her free travel to the venue! Expect the Venga bus to be fitted with curtains, coordinated scatter cushions and a potted plant before our next trip!! However moaning (aka dripping on) costs 50p with her subs Viv paid £3.50. The rocket man with no arse, who normally gets caught to pay for his wife at this point was found to have conveniently disappeared so the cash was squeezed from Viv’s purse.
Neddy B H Railings as our official Chalks, failed to spot that their chalker had mis-scored. 50p
The Copperheaded Barsteward’s phone, although switched to silent mode, still vibrated, 20p. There was another book keeping error which should have cost 20p but as TMWNA kept dripping on about repeated offences (typical Taff – Ho! Ho! Racist and sexist, a veritable non – PC ‘fest!) this pilose philanthropist tossed a quid in the hat to quieten the wordy Welshman.
NB. It wasn’t until reading the notes for this report I realise I’m guilty of some dereliction of my duty as sole judge of fact and fines. It is apparent now that Neddy Railings got off lightly. If my memory serves me well he chose to sit away from his team mates and in the past Saints have been fined 50p for similar Standoffishness. I can also find no record, either in my meticulous written notes or my, admittedly, decrepit memory of him striking the Chairman. We have come to see this as one of his duties and so he should have also been fined 50p for failing to carry it out. Before TMWNA starts up again I have decided that as it was my leniency that let Old Big ‘Ead off the hook, costing us at least the price of a dubbuh of lime pickle or half a chapatti, I have paid an extra pound into the party pot. |