Jana's Joke of the Day 


A bit of humour  

 

 

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because  it more accurately reflects the the government's political stance.  A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

 

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A teacher was reading the Three Little Pigs story to
her class. She came to the part where the first pig
 was trying to gather building materials for his
 home.  She  read, 'So, the first pig went up to the
 man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 
'Pardon me sir,  but may I have some of that straw
 to build my house?'
  
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what
 do you think the man said?'
 
One little boy raised his hand and said very
 matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said,
 'Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bitch, a talking pig!'"
 
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.

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After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their New York ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, the 'Ness County News,' a local newspaper in Ness City , KS., reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 yards in wheat fields near Beeler, KS, Larry the Cable Guy, a self- taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Jayhawks fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Larry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kansas had already gone wireless."

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
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LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
 _________________________________
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
 ________________________________
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
 _________________________________
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

 

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A lady walks into an ice cream shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a gallon of chocolate ice cream.  The man replies " I'm sorry but we don't have chocolate ice cream today."

The lady says "that's ok, I will have a 1/2 gallon of chocolate ice cream."

The man says "We don't have any chocolate ice cream today."

The lady says "oh ok,ummm,  I will have a apint of chocolate ice cream."

The man looks at the woman and says "ma'am, we don't have any chocolate ice cream."

The lady says, "Ok. I will have a cone of chocolate ice cream."

The man , clearly frustrated, says" ma'am we do not have ANY chocolate ice cream."  He then says, "what do you get when you take the pine out of pineapple?"

The lady looks confused and says "pine?"

The man says "that's right.  and what do you get when you take the fuck out of chocolate?"

The lady replies, "there's no fuck in chocolate."

And the man says "thats what I have been trying to tell you.  We have no fucking chocolate ice cream!!!"

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell.  As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil.......

SATAN :  "Why so glum?"
GUY :  "What do you think?  I'm in hell!"

SATAN :  "Hell's not so bad  We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinking man?"
GUY :  "Sure, I love to drink."

  SATAN :  "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On
Mondays, that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey, Tequila,
Guinness , wine coolers, you name 
it we drink it and then we drink some more!  And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead
anyway."
GUY :  "Gee, that sounds great!"

  SATAN :  "You a smoker?"
  GUY :  "You better believe it."

  SATAN :  "All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get
the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our
lungs out.  If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already
dead, remember?"
  GUY :  "Wow......that's awesome!"

  SATAN :  "I bet you like to gamble."
  GUY : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

  SATAN :  "Good, cause Wednesday you can gamble all you
want.  Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, it
  doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
  GUY :  "Cool!"

  SATAN :  "What about drugs?"
  GUY :  "Are you kidding?  Love drugs!  You don't
mean......?"

  SATAN :  "That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack.  Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine.  You can do all the drugs
you want.  You're dead so who cares."
  GUY :  "Wow!  I never realized Hell was such a cool
place!"

  SATAN :  "You gay?"
  GUY :  "No........"

  SATAN :  "Oooooh  , Fridays are gonna be tough......"