We all have strong opinions on teachers, they pushed us kicking and screaming through the school system. Weird, naggy, relentless, and occasionally inspiring, they were a breed unto themselves - or were they?

Complete the following survey to explore an alternative reality.

 What Sort of Teacher Would YOU Be? 

1. You visit a colleague in a Home Economics class when a group of boys call you over and ask you to sample a rumball that they've just made. You:

a. Scoff in to them. Hey, on a teacher's salary you're just glad not to be eating out of the rubbish bin.

b. Select a rumball at random and choose one of the boys to be your royal food taster. If they chow down, so will you.

c. Feign a sudden attack of diabetes and get the hell outta there. They're teenaged boys... you've got a fairly good idea of where those hands have been!

d. Like a crazy combination between a mime and a magician, you pretend to eat the rumball but really conceal it in your sleeve. You don't want to hurt their feelings but you can't afford for salmonella to use up your precious sick days when you'll need them for report writing.

2. On yard duty one day, you notice a kid weaving sticky-tape like a transparent spider web between some pillars in a busy walkway. He sees you and makes his getaway. You:

a. Run after the lil' snotter. If he makes it to a student dense area, you'll lose him. Damn these uniforms they make all greasy teenagers look alike.

b. Power walk like John Howard towards him. It may mean losing him but that's better than losing face.

c. Accept that he's gotten away (hey, you're no PE teacher!) and be inspired by Guantanamo Bay, detaining and interrogating other kids at the scene. You might not be able to electrocute them, but deprive them of enough student liberties and they'll fold like an origami swan.

d. Pretend that you didn't notice the human web and casually walk right past. Statistically speaking, one teacher might go down but mostly it'll take out the students - and the tape removal will help them exfoliate.

3. During class you notice a kid up the back of the room chatting on their mobile phone. You:

a. Snatch the phone from their hands and piff it out the window saying, "It should get better reception out there. Fetch!"

b. Wait patiently until they finish the call then take it, switch it to speaker-phone and call the Coordinator, explaining that you need a student escort.

c. Take your shoe off and hold it up to their other ear. Then give them the double whammy, asking, "What, shouldn't I be doing this to you in class?" (secretly hoping that your foot odour might knock them out).

d. Signal the class bully that if he acts now you'll let it go. As a teacher you can't condone violence but you sure as hell can turn a blind eye to it.

4. You are expected to attend a Year 10 three day camping trip. Teachers never get paid overtime so there's certainly no financial incentive to go. You:

a. Jump at the chance. It'll be good to get to know the kids out of class and maybe help them discover the tree-hugger within.

b. Accept that it's what you've gotta do and smuggle a bottle of scotch. That'll ease the pain of those sleepless nights - it'll be like self-medication.

c. Claim that a close family member just died so you can't go away. It'll take commitment to role play this one over the next few months but it's better than sharing a bathroom with your Y10s.

d. Agree to go. You've heard a lot in the media about teachers dating students. This could be an opportunity to do some valuable groundwork.

5. It's Parent-Teacher night and you get bailed up by an angry parent who claims that you hate their child. You:

a. Respond calmly and try and appear all zen so they can see that their child is nothing but a two-bit liar. (No wonder you hate em'.)

b. Point out that in your line of work there are so many children to hate and ask them to be more specific.

c. Explain that the child is paranoid and ask if the kid could have got in to their personal stash.

d. Tell them to deal with it, a lot of people hate their kid.

6. You're leaving school one evening and you see some students vanderlising the car of another teacher that you hate. You:

a. Treat it as an opportunity to make peace with your nemesis and at the same time teach some difficult students about the importance of wearing a balaclava.

b. Immediately put a stop to it. It's not the car's fault that it's owner's a tosser. You live in this suburb too and if one car is damaged, everyone's premium goes up.

c. Wait till their almost done then bust em'. That way everyone wins: they can enjoy a job well done, you get your glory and your colleague gets to keep his car medallion (as a neck tie).

d. Get a good vantage point to film it with your mobile phone, so you can post it on You Tube later.

RESULTS:

If you answered with mainly ‘a’s…

                               The Marshmallow Optimist:                                 The teacher who is all soft and gooey inside, you got in to teaching because you thought you could make a difference. Wake up and smell the students! You’re a break-down just waiting to happen. Worst case scenario – you’ll have to sneak in to the science labs and suck on the gas taps just to make it through the day, term and school year. If you can manage to remain a teacher without any serious addictions or emotional crisis you have the potential to go far. You will win respect from your students and maybe even inspire them but be cautious of too much praise, or other staff members will use their free periods to plot your downfall. Best case – you will be the head of a school by the time by the time you retire, and maybe be given a nice pen. 

If you answered with mainly ‘b’s…

The Jaded Realist:

Before you started teaching you hated coffee but now you need it. Once idealistic, the system slowly wore you down. Now you have a tendency not to be disappointed because you never set your expectations too high and hey, there are always the holidays to look forwards to! Worst case scenario – you will be exploited by other faculty members to do all the hard work and regularly have verbal battles with the resident smart-alec in Year 9. Your teaching career will be cut short when an opportunity outside of education seems to make more sense than the only other option of killing someone. At best you are seen as a savvy individual skilled in working the system so you make most situations work out for those involved. The senior students refer to you affectionately in every end of year school review and this allows you to die fulfilled, although you never went on your dream round the world holiday.

If you answered with mainly ‘c’s…

The Tin-Man Teacher:

You can’t afford to wear your heart on your sleeve because you try not to have one. You hate putting frills on things and prefer to call a spade a bloody shovel! You see students as sheep (with the potential to be violent, killers like in that new Kiwi horror flick), and you are the sheep-dog nipping at their legs. You’ve right about one thing… the students do see you as a dog (of sorts). Get used to the idea of having your staff picture photo-shopped by any IT student that can find the time. At the end of the day, you are a teacher who does the right thing but mainly because you think that you will get caught if you don’t. In the worst case, you will embody the saying ‘those who can do, those who can’t teach’. You will always be able to get a good reference from your school as they try to palm you off on to some other sucker. At best you will deserve a few of the great references that you get. Your tendency to look after number one will lead you to the cushiest job in school where you don’t get paid what you believe should. You will go on that round the world holiday another teacher told you that they always wanted to do.

If you answered with mainly ‘d’s…

The Swingin’ Switchblade:

You got in to teaching for all the wrong reasons. With a teaching style like a jaggered knife, anyone surviving your classroom is gonna be scarred. You'll never have to worry about being shot with a spitball but don’t mistake the terror you instill as respect. Every one of the Textile students are making little voodoo dolls of you and they’re selling like hotcakes out in the yard! There are a handful of students who don’t hate you because you're actually nice to them, but only because you’re thinking of bustin’ a move. Worst case scenario – your short career will be marred by rumour and incident. You are most likely to get fired for having it off with a student or parent (or both). Best case… you are seen as being assertive and by always looking after number one, you occasionally really help the school. This makes you look even better and gives you the potential to be the youngest head of a school ever. You will probably still doink a student but have the self preservation skills to wait until after they graduate and marry them. If you already are this person don’t enroll your own children at your school, as your co workers will try to doink them just to get back at you for treating them all like crap.