AAI recently held a convention in Arlington, VA about a stone's throw away from my house... if you happen to be able to throw a stone several hundred miles. I had my entry fee ready a day late to register, so I did what any rational mind would do: I went anyway.

It was truly one of the best experiences of my life so far. The star-studded event included people like Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Julia Sweeney, Ayaan Hirsi Ali with her Secret Service personnel and bomb-sniffing dog, Pastor Deacon Fred, Lori Lipman Brown, the Rational Response Squad, the rapper Greydon Square, and--I consider him a star--the Friendly Atheist, Hemant Mehta who, ladies, is even more attractive in person and, I hear, is looking for a special someone. And that only includes the people I met! Others were there such as Daniel Dennett, Ellen Johnson, and a myriad of other important people, but they successfully avoided me.

My friend from the Richard Dawkins Foundation community, CJDeak, joined me on the trip. We hung out for a while in front of the conference centre until we worked up the resolve to barge in... and just in time, for Richard Dawkins was standing at the top of the stairwell when we entered. I watched in awe while he and another attendee discussed an evolutionary chart until he turned and looked at me drooling. I was able to muster the words, "I never thought I'd come to an Atheist convention and meet my god," and he looked at me with a rather odd expression and walked away, not before avoiding my gaze and complimenting CJDeak's shirt.

Mere minutes after, Julia Sweeney walked by with her radiant smile and I complimented her outfit. After wiping the brown off my nose, I wandered into a hallway for some quiet and met the Rational Response Squad who, not allowing CJDeak and I to get some peace from the commotion, promptly interviewed us for their upcoming video on the convention.

After all of this happened in the five minutes after entering the hotel, I was already flabbergasted at the approachability of Atheist 'gods'... and also their unavoidability.

Not long after, we hooked up with some other RDF community people: Maiforpeace, Hyrax, JoshS, Perseity, OBC, Homo economicus, and Matalanifesto, to name a few. I am using everyone's forum/chat names instead of their real ones so none of my more stalkerish of readers will stalk them... because they're all gorgeous people worthy of your stalking.

Maiforpeace brought a bottle of wine from a vineyard local to her for Mr. Hitchens and, being the ballsy woman she is, walked straight up to him holding the bottle above her head. Thanks to her, several of us had a splendid two-and-a-half hour chat over cigarettes and scotch with Mr. Hitchens on the veranda and later in the bar. Of course, being an American under American laws, I didn't have any scotch. Who will shed a tear for me?

Before our conversation with Mr. Hitchens closed--he had reached his limit on Johnny Walker Black--I thanked Christopher for his quote on the "Reverend," Jerry Falwell, "Had they given the man an enema, they could have buried him in a matchbox," and described to him my situation in living so close to Falwell's old stomping (or should I say waddling?) grounds and how Jerry's heart imploded on my eighteenth birthday (I was inclined to believe in a god that day just for the sheer poetry of his timely death). In my personal conversation with him, he had to use the toilet and invited me to follow him while he urinated. So far, the greatest moment of my life has been making Christopher Hitchens laugh while taking a piss.

I would like to state, for the record, that Christopher Hitchens, who is portrayed by his dissenters as a drunken slob with worse manners than Jeffrey Dhamer, is a very well-mannered, cultured, fluent, witty, and highly enjoyable man who is less of a drunk than any man elected to the Presidency in my lifetime... and the majority of Congresspeople as well!

Desperate to make amends for making an ass of myself earlier, I sought out Professor Dawkins again and apologised for calling him something so plebeian as a god. He laughed a bit and shook my hand, offering his hand to mine--not the other way around--flooring me with his gentlemanly manners.

After exchanging a few words and a handshake with the beautiful Ayaan Hirsi Ali and the charmingly cunning, as always, Pastor Deacon Fred on the veranda, I was deputised for a moment to watch the Richard Dawkins Foundation swag table where I shook hands with Lori Lipman Brown and Greydon Square. Meeting the two back-to-back was like meeting a hobbit and then an ent, height-wise, although Greydon, who was proudly wearing a tee-shirt labelling him the "Black Carl Sagan," would tower over most people, not just our wonderful voice in Washington, Lady Lori Lipman Brown.

A little later, I tracked down Hitchens and Dawkins and Sam Harris again and had them sign a lovely sticker for me. (I must thank Maiorpeace for making the stickers. They say "Warning: Literal belief in this book may endanger your mental health and life!") It is now placed proudly inside the cover of my Bible. I would not dream of having a Bible that wasn't autographed by those three. I must say, while I'm on the same paragraph as my mention of Sam Harris, that Sam is a very short but very cordial man and his wife is smokin' hot. She seriously goes on the ballot for sexiest Atheist!

After this, I went back to the veranda and relaxed with CJDeak and Homo Economicus. Some giddy reporter approached and began asking irritating questions about the convention and our personal lives. The reporter did not give the name of his magazine at the start and his questions sounded like those a non-non-theist would ask, so I sensed something was awry and took over the interview to toy with this nut. I gave him tons of great material on Atheists and my personal de-conversion story, going into absurd amounts of usable details. At the end, he switched off his recorder and I caught him before he could scamper, putting out my butt with my sandal, "Are you an Atheist?" If all drivers on the Capitol Beltway were to slam on their brakes at once, that is the noise this man's brain made as it screeched to a halt. He stumbled and fidgeted for a bit like a puppy in a North Korean deli before saying, "I'm an ex-Atheist." I made him a wee bit more comfortable as we talked about his conversion from Atheism to Roman Crapaholicism and his job at the American Conservative magazine. He finally felt better about his interview and was about to bounce off to the next table of Atheists when I spoke up: "Oh, by the way, I know I gave you some good information there, but I cannot ethically allow you to use it and I will be monitoring your journal." You could have crushed a baby bunny in front of a toddler and not seen a more pathetic expression on a human face.

I waited on the veranda for Christopher Hitchens' speech and saw him being delayed by set of monster tits from Georgia that were desperately trying to flirt with him. They were successful in delaying Mr. Hitchens for his speech, and I was slightly grateful because I would have missed the beginning if he was on time. Bless that pair of Georgian tits.

The viewing room for the non-ticket-holders was cramped, stuffy, and the sound was terrible, but I could still get a few good quotes out of it. My favourite was when he was talking about his proposition that no one can name a moral thing that religious people can do but not Atheists. He said one person said "loving your enemies." That, according to Mr. Hitchens, is not morality in the slightest, but rather a good example of stupidity. That makes much sense. I don't love those who try to kill me. He said, "These Muslim fundamentalists want to be martyrs. I'm here to help." Huzzah!

I would like to comment on the RDF people I met in person this weekend before I close. I can only mention a few of them, but I should have liked to list them all.


CJDeak, you were a hell of a travel companion. I would never have made it to DC and back without your help. The two of us may not have the best sense of direction, but left to my own devices, I would have wound up in Vermont before I realised I had missed DC! I hope you enjoyed staying with my Mormon friends and their multitude of Jesus portraits. Do you now see why I say Mormons are the happiest people on the planet? Thanks for laughing at me during my parking lot foibles in and out of the city. You let me know I wasn't misguided alone.

Maiforpeace, I said it before, but it bears repeating: you know how to live. I live my life by the Abraham Lincoln quote "It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years," and you certainly uphold that philosophy as well. You are the epitome of what I would call "a hoot." Running up the underside of an overpass with you and shouting "We are Atheists and proud of it!" at passing cars was not only probably illegal but it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my weekend, indeed my life. You are an honest, genuine, generous person, and I pray to Dawkins that we will see each other many times in the future.

If there was ever a perfect example of down-to-earth, it would be Perseity, whether she's collapsed or just metaphorically down-to-earth, she fits the phrase well. (I kid because I love.) It was truly an honour to be able to hang out with you this weekend and I envy Xanadouche for being your brother. ♫ Xanadouche. Xanadouche. ♪

JoshS, between teh ghey and Shirley Q. Liquor, you had me giggling like a schoolgirl the entire weekend. You're not only the best gay, Atheist travelling funeral salesman I've ever met, but the only gay, Atheist travelling funeral salesman I've ever met. Don't you ever forget that! You're a great guy and it was a privilege to hang with you this weekend.

If anyone ever wants to argue with two Welshmen at 2:30 AM over what patches of floor are suitable for sleeping on, Matalanifesto and Hyrax are the Welshmen for the job. Aside from Hyrax crushing his cigarette with his groin and Mat's accent slipping in and out of Ozzy Osbourne, all of my memories of you two were very fond ones I will keep forever. A genuinely fun lot, these two.

Homo Economicus, I told you more than you could ever care to know about me, and you sat there and listened. See? That's the problem with British courtesy! You're an honest chap who I didn't get to be around as much as I would have liked to. The next time you come to the States, I have a lovely futon in my basement you can crash on.

There was one more I wish to mention, but I forgot her forum name and I am not using real names here. I will call her the Mississippi Atheist and hope that doesn't give it away to anyone who doesn't already know her. It takes a lot of spunk to stand up as an Atheist in you part of the country, but you have it. You're a lively girl and I really enjoyed talking to you over our virgin drinks at the pub while the drunkies at the other end of the table laughed at me. I don't see what's so funny about cranberry juice. Your de-conversion story is very inspiring and I hope you can share it with many more people. You're a brave woman and I'm proud that people like you can represent us Atheists.

My fingers are aching, so I must stop typing now. I hope to see many of you next year at the AAI convention wherever they choose to hold it.

Correction: Matalanifesto apparently isn't Welsh. He sounds Welsh enough, though, so I'm not going to change it.

Pictures are due from Hyrax soon.