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This begins a multi-week teaching on all I’ve learned about parenting – both professionally and personally.  Beginning next week I will explore the three primary types of parenting.  Then I will explain why children misbehave and the week after I will let you know what to do to effectively modify children’s misbehavior.  The following week I will introduce you to a wonderful parenting tool called Encouragement – and talk about how this differs from Praise.  Next you will learn how to listen so your children will talk to you....then how to talk so they’ll listen.  I will make a case for using natural and logical consequences instead of punishments.  You’ll learn to use the power of negotiation with your children.  And hear about research which explains why kids have messy rooms, have trouble organizing and controlling impulses, and why they do not know why they did what they did.  If you’ve got other issues (mental health but not physical health) please contact me anytime at qccounselor.com

All of us grew up under one of three types of parenting. The first is Authoritarian or what we refer to as “the giving orders parent”. The second is the Chaotic parent – this is very common today – though it existed even when I was a lad. We call this second type of parenting “the giving up parent”. The third type is called the Democratic or “giving choices parent”. This latter is the parenting style I prefer for many reasons that will become apparent as these articles unfold.

Lets take a look at the Authoritarian Parent first. This style gives orders and expects them to be obeyed. Tools used are reward and punishment (although sometime a lack of punishment is the reward). This style of parenting tends to produce children who may use the “might makes right” attitude of his/her parents with their peers, or they may become overly compliant and dependent children – just waiting for someone to tell them what to do.

Chaotic parenting is often the result when a parent tries to be authoritarian and their kid just looks them in the eye and says “No!” Corporate punishment has fallen out of favor with the powers that be so what does a parent do when junior says “No!”? This type of parenting is the most frustrating and tends to produce children who are very good at being in charge but not very good in knowing how to do things correctly. Maybe today’s politicians are the children of chaotic parents.

Democratic parents set limits – and give choices that have consequences. They tend to raise children who are self controlled, good at making good choices, and cooperative with authority. Everything that I will teach in this series will help you learn how to be a democratic parent. First rule of effective parenting is to understand that your children do not want to be parented – they want to eat ice cream for dinner and watch the late show on tv. Parenting is an “imposition” on our children and if we want to impose on someone, we better have a good relationship with them. If your relationship with your child could stand some improving – get started this week. Friendship with your child is a good start to asking them to do what you want.

If you’ve got other issues (mental health but not physical health) please contact me anytime at qccounselor.com

Some of us explain a child’s misbehavior by saying that he or she is bad, some say it’s the child’s age, teachers think there is something wrong at home and parents think there is something wrong at school. Perhaps the child is sick or hungry or tired. While any of these simple explanations might be right – the most common reason that a child misbehaves is that he or she is not meeting their needs in useful ways - so they are opting to meet their need in a useless way. Here is an example. Let’s say that a child has a need for attention and when they are good there is no particular reason to pay attention to them – so they act out – because this is a sure fire way of getting attention. Even if it’s negative attention – it’s still attention. Adlerian psychologists believe that there are four goals of a child’s misbehavior – the include Attention – Power – Revenge – and Avoidance. Of the four, Attention is seen 90% of the time in preteens with the other three making up the remaining 10%. Power is more common in teen years – though some family’s have a 2, 3 or 4 year old power seeker that gives them fits at every turn.

Why do we care what the child’s goal is for misbehaving? If they are acting out then they need to be punished, right? I love word pictures so lets imagine that your child is a house. Let’s further imagine that only four things can go wrong with a house – Fire, Flood, Termites and Vandalism. Now let’s say that while you are on vacation I phone you to say that your “house” is having a problem and I ask you what I should do to help. Your first question should be, “Well, what is wrong?”. It wouldn’t do any good to call the fire department if your house had termites. So for every kind of problem – there is a correct solution...same with your kiddies. How do we know what their goal is when they misbehave? Again, the Adlerians came up with a creative solution. We simply ask ourselves how we feel when we see the misbehavior. If we feel annoyed – like a mosquito is buzzing around our ears then the child’s goal is attention. If we feel like our authority is being threatened then the goal is power. If we feel hurt then the likely goal is revenge. And if we feel confused and helpless then the child’s goal is avoidance. Next week I’ll tell you how to deal with each of these goals...but in the meantime, become proficient at identifying their goals. If you’ve got other issues (mental health but not physical health) please contact me anytime at qccounselor.com