Weiss, Robert S.  Marital Separation. 1975.  New York:  Basic Books, Inc.

From back cover: “A compelling account of the personal experiences of those whose marriages have ended.  Dr. Weiss…makes concrete, practical, and unmistakably humane suggestions designed to ease transition and to aid in the reorganization of the newly separated.”  The book includes “strategies for recovery”:  “how to tell ones’ children, relatives, and friends; what to expect of (and ask) a lawyer a lawyer; and what to look for in forming new relationships.”

Chapter 2:  Aspects of the Failing Marriage

Listener who heard one spouse’s account, then the other’s, may not realize same marriage

Themes that tend to occur:

·      Marriage was wrong from the start, waited years to separate for various reasons

·      Each spouse wanting different things in life

·      Chronic failing in the spouse (gambling, depression, alcoholism, etc.)

·      Infidelity, discovery could:

Precipitate separation

Make a bad situation worse (try to live with it for a while)

Lead one to build separate life to protect self

Compete with other for spouse’s affections

Feel pain from duplicity, attempt to conceal can cause mystification in marital relationship

Cause one having affair(s) to encourage spouse to have an affair

Cause hurt in most instances, in some cases devastation

Afflictions of a Failing Marriage

·      Tend to feel isolated and beset

·      Thought of starting over  alone can feel frightening

·      May be fights, alienating them from selves and each other

·      In intervals between fights, war of attrition may be waged:  abrasive, demeaning before children

·      In some cases, one partner leaves to find freedom, growth, self-realization, and other partner sadly agrees

·      In other cases, one partner abruptly leaves with brief explanation, leaving partner dumfounded

Most separations come after long, anguished process of mutual alienation leaving both partners bruised

·      Attacks on self-assurance (systematic invalidation of perceptions & concerns, bickering, rejection)

·      Betrayal in the Failing Marriage (expectation of loyalty and goodwill of partner)

Minor betrayals:  blame v. comfort, withhold support in dispute with children, etc.

Major betrayal:  Infidelity (sexual accessibility implies emotional accessibility, suggests spouse is sexually inadequate, suggests indifference to potential damage the affair may inflict on the spouse and his/her standing among others and self-esteem, wronged spouse is left out by partner’s emotional remoteness, secret affair = major deception that erodes and perhaps destroys trust)

Reluctance to Separate

·      Often accepted only after long and anguishing debate

·      May almost immediately negate decision by brief reconciliations

·      Eventually move toward reconciliation or complete break

·      Most marriages began with love for one another and took time to become unhappy

 

Chapter 8:  Friends:  The Changes in Relationships with Them

Types of Friendship and the Separated Individual

·      First reactions from friends:  solicitude, regret, desire to help

·      Some friends may ally themselves with one spouse or the other, especially if separation is bitter

Reactions of Married Friends:  3 Phases

·      Rallying Round (unless an affair or callousness, friends want to help without being intrusive)

·      Idiosyncratic Reactions (some remain accessible, others withdraw, some project own feelings, some hover, some become rude or hostile, some see separated person as newly available)

·      Mutual Withdrawal (no explicit ending, friendship allowed to fade)

Social Isolation and Its Symptoms

·      Most lose access to network of married friends, loss of membership in community of friends

·      Feelings of exclusion, marginality, rejection

New Alignments

·      Eventually establish new community

·      Often connect with others who are separated or divorced

·      Establish opposite-sex, non-romantic friendships that can be stable, valuable, emotionally safe

·      Most difficult time is transition period between losing old network and establishing new one

 

Chapter 10:  The Meaning of the Separation for the Children

Telling the Children

·      Age matters:  very young children may be unsure what separation means; adolescents may be bitter parents have not practiced high moral behavior they preached

·      Parents’ behavior and attitude affect children and vice versa

Children’s Reactions as Seen by Parents

·      Immediate response children of all ages is distress and anxiety

·      Minority (especially adolescents) take separation in stride

·      Some cases (physical or emotional abuse, alcoholism, etc.) response is “what took you so long?”

·      Most children want parents to reconcile

·      Children focus on own situation (where & with whom they’ll live, what will change)

·      In most cases initial anxiety resides rather quickly, often children adapt more quickly than parents

·      Important:  parents appear confident of capacity to manage postmarital situation, remain appropriately related to child, keep postmarital situation free of turmoil

·      Some cases, children may become angry at parent they feel responsible for the separation

·      Though anger can continue indefinitely, in most cases persistent anger does not occur

Children’s Reactions:  A Clinical Study (CA, 1970, 60 couples, 131 children aged 2.5-18)

·      Most preadolescents greatly upset at time of separation

·      Adolescents also experience intense pain, some protect selves by distancing

·      Anger common at every age

·      Younger children may blame selves

·      Older children and adolescents may question parents moral worth, may “de-idealize” parents, and be disturbed by parents’ interest in dating

·      Adolescent girls may be more anxious about seeing father with sexual interests and desires

·      Most children want the separation to be undone

·      For older children, sibling support/affiliation can be helpful

·      Supportive relationships outside home helpful for older children and adolescents, doing well in school and popular with friends useful, self-resilience and integrity already established important

Some Advice that may help separated parents help their children

·      Children (all ages) should be kept informed, without overwhelming them with information they cannot assimilate.  Be honest, avoid white lies and condemning partner.

·      Children are likely to react to the separation with upset and to need appropriate solicitude. Try to be understanding and alert to feelings.  Provide stability in caretaking.

·      Children who fail to resume normal development within a year of the separation may need special attention.

·      A competent and self-confident parent as head of the household is the child’s most important source of security.

·      Preadolescent children need a parent’s full attention at least part of the time.

·      Ordinarily, children gain if the noncustody parent remains in the picture.

·      It is important for the children to retain as many regions of safety in their lives as possible.

·      Insofar as there is change, children are likely to profit from parent support in establishing a satisfactory living situation for themselves.

·      Children should be permitted to mature at their own pace and neither be encouraged to become prematurely mature nor held back in their development through overprotection.

·      Parents can help their children by establishing satisfactory life situations for themselves.

 

Chapter 11:  Starting Over

A Damage Report: like recovery in any major upset, recovery from separation does not proceed smoothly; recovery generally takes 2-4 years; for successful recovery:

·      The individual reestablishes a coherent and stable identity

·      The individual reestablishes a stable life pattern: relationships that are adequate to be life-sustaining

Phases of Recovery:

·      Shock and Denial: most often when separation a surprise

·      Transition:  likely feel severe emotional upset, confusion, possibly frenetic behavior; gradually stable, gratifying life emerges

·      Phase of Recovering:  less vulnerable to depression and mood swings; may appear together but can be misleading, self-doubt remains; integration remains fragile; integration gradually becomes more resilient; 3-4 years may be different than before, but again feel comfortable with self

A Review of Some Strategies for Reorganization:  may reorganize around an intimate friend or new relationship; others too hurt or tired or self-absorbed in loss of marriage

·      Reestablishing Community:  many feel marginal to old network of friends; some develop a supplementary community (i.e., Parents without Partners, separated/divorced group at church)

·      Professional Help (2 types, can be opposing philosophies):

1.     To manage the transition from marital to postmarital (support—professional skills and experience and guidance—to make sense of situation and plan), can be superficial  

2.     To change the self (what led you here), can be distraction at a time when one can’t afford it

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