group3 - ps101008

Group 3: Dealing with Adolescent Grief

Anne Emry, Betsy Gonzalez, Charity Denlinger,

Edwin Johnson, Mark Lodico, Samuel Giancarlo

You are the associate pastor in charge of the youth group at a growing church. Jamie is an active high school student and member of your youth community. She has put her heart and soul into everything she does at church, including the upcoming street fair that our parish is holding near the church on a Saturday morning. At 5:30 a.m. on the Saturday of the street fair, you receive a phone call that Jamie has suddenly died while carrying some boxes.

Prayers for the Grieving

Great God of all mystery,
if in the presence of death our thoughts are startled
and our words flutter about like frightened birds,
bring us stillness
that we may cover the sorrow of our hearts
with folded hands.

Give us grace to wait on you silently and with patience.
You are nearer to us than we know,
closer than we can imagine.
If we cannot find you,
it is because we search in far places.

Before we felt the pain,
you suffered it;
before the burden came upon us,
your strength lifted it;
before the sorrow darkened our hearts,
you were grieved.

As you walk in the valley of every shadow,
be our good shepherd
and sustain us while we walk with you,
lest in weakness we falter.

Though the pain deepens,
keep us in your way
and guide us past every danger;
through Jesus Christ our Savior. AMEN.
(Book of Worship: United Church of Christ)

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror up
to where you’re bravely working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.
Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expand the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings.
—Rumi (Mathnawi 3769–3766)

PowerPoint on Early Stage Grieving for Adolescents

Here is Mark Lodico's PowerPoint presentation on the early stages of adolescent grief available for download.

Earlycourseofadolescentgrief.ppt

Book Contents and Youth Minister Case Studies

“Handbook of Adolescent Death and Bereavement”, Editors Charles A. Corr & David E. Balk, Singer Publishing, 1997. Along with the Case Studies from Interviews with Youth Ministers
Congregational Trauma, Jim M. Hudson, Alban Institute, 1998.

"Handbook of Adolescent Death and Bereavement"
Part I. Death

Chapter 1 – Adolescents, Developmental Tasks, and Encounters with Death and Bereavement Adolescence designates the period in the life cycle between childhood and adulthood, approximately from 13 to 19 years of age. Also, many reports use the age range of 15 to 24.

Adolescents differ among themselves as unique individuals with males and female, members of different cultural, social, religious, or economic groups. In addition they differ in developmental respects, which is usually relatively calm and stable for most individuals.
Adolescents are in different life transitions often characterized in early, middle, and late adolescents.
Some studies have shown that adolescent are often resilient in the face of sever life traumas, such as, the death of a parent. The research of Howard & Atkinson and others concluded that adolescents use such tragedies as means of growth; that is, coping with bereavement prompted adolescents to carry on a bit more quickly than their piers into adulthood. Most studies indicate that coping with bereavement during adolescence leads to greater maturity, not regression or psychological disturbance. The trauma more often promotes growth.
Teenagers tend to focus on and solve one problem at a time. Troubles emerge when they are unable to segregate their attention on one stressor, but must deal with multiple stressors at the same time.
For American adolescents, the three leading causes of death are accidents, homicide, and suicide amounting to 75%+/- of all adolescent deaths. (We note here that Jamie’s unexpectedly dropping dead while carrying some boxes of supplies is a rather rare occurrence.).
One study of death experienced by adolescents (1000), 40% involved the death of a peer who was roughly the adolescent’s age.
Adults who wish to assist adolescents cope with death and bereavement, might do well to help adolescents to look beyond the immediate moment and learn lessons from experiences that they may have not yet have had. (?) It suggests that they seek ways to give personal reference and meaning to impersonal facts and abstracts about death.

Chapter 2 – Ambiguity in Adolescent Understandings of Death

Adolescents may understand that we all will die, the universality of death; their activities indicate that ‘it can’t happen to me’.
Adolescents are ambivalent about death. They are not seriously concerned about death. Deaths of adolescents from natural causes have been on the decline for years, however, this may have been offset by rising adolescent accidents, homicide, and suicide rates, and the use of hallucinogenic drugs.
There is an increasing awareness of the need for thanatological (study of the phenomena of death, and psychological mechanisms for coping with death) education for adolescents does not minimize the opportunities of learning from unexpected death.
Adults must not be too quick to judge adolescents’ responses to death related issues in a negative way.
Adults working with adolescents should provide a comfortable climate for an exploration of how death serves to clarify one’s own personal position in the human life cycle.

Part II. Bereavement

Chapter 10 – Death of a Friend During Adolescence: Issues & Impacts

The death of a friend, at any age is a significant event; however the death of a friend during adolescence can be especially profound due to the fragility of the youth ego and the intense relationships adolescents have their friends.
Relationships built on intimate foundation of closeness and terminated through death constitute a significant loss.

CASE STUDY: Connectedness and validating grief. One minister shared: “One is to be patient with the youth as they seek to connect themselves to the event. Especially when the suicide is of someone the students hardly know if they knew them at all. It has not at all been unusual for me to hear things like “That kid who killed himself wrote his name on the door of the stall that I use in the bathroom. We never talked, but I feel like we’re connected.” Or, “The girl who killed herself is on the same page of the yearbook as me. We never talked or anything, but I feel like we’re connected.” Or, “The guy who killed himself went to prom with my ex girlfriend’s sister two years ago. I didn’t know him, but I feel like I should go to the funeral.” The youth in one’s youth group may not have had the tiniest bit of a relationship with the individual who died, but their need to be a part of the story is real. Those in a ministerial role can be a help by not dismissing those feelings (oh, you didn’t really know her. you don’t really need/want me to go to the funeral with you?) of the youth of wanting to be a part of something bigger than them — even if that something is tragic. And it can be helpful to remind them (gently and gracefully) that it isn’t death that connects them to a larger story or to a community or to the world. It’s life.”

When a relationship that is ambivalent in nature is terminated through death, the survivor’s grief may be complicated. Often an increased level of guilt is tied to a strong feeling that there is unfinished business and a loss of opportunity to reconcile differences.
Adolescents’ cognitive development is important. Adolescence is a period of significant change is several developmental arenas. There are shifts in the thinking process, such as, the ability to think abstractly. Also, adolescents are able to think hypothetically and are more flexible in their thinking capacity.
Grief following the death of a family member and a friend are quite similar. One significant difference found was on the anger/hostility level with bereaved friends expressing more anger/hostility than the bereaved family members.
In studies of the death of a peer, adolescents can experience sadness, shock, disbelief, surprise, anger, confusion, numbness, fear, and confusion.

CASE STUDY: We all grieve differently. One youth minister stressed the importance that any event or gathering held immediately after the death of a young person is only “the beginning of how we will work through this together as a community. I think it is really important to emphasize this. I think also reminding the group of young people, youth leaders and others that all of us grieve and process differently and that for some, participating in these kind of community gatherings will be helpful and important for some, and for others it would be difficult and may not be helpful, at this point all is ok. In my experience you will have young people who are inconsolable, therefore if they were supposed to work at the street fair, that will not be happening. You’ll have some very angry young people...and angry for a variety of reasons. They’ll be angry because of what happened, some would be angry because there are other young people in the group who don’t appear to be upset. You’ll have the ‘show must go on’ young people. You’ll have young people who immediately want to take action against the cause of death of the young person — stop gun violence now or raise money for cancer research — and you’ll have young people who aren’t sure how to respond at all.”

CASE STUDY: Physical contact. Another minister spoke of being prepared for lots of hugging and public displays of grief. “Often this comes across in a very self-centered way (hey, they’re teenagers). So along with that is a strong impulse to try to ‘set them straight’ on death and dying and on who is ‘really’ suffering. I think some of the real preparation/assistance that needs to be given is to the adults: what to expect, how to and how not to respond (don’t judge, just listen), how to make space for them to really cry their eyes out, get lots of hugs, and talk it out over and over again.”

CASE STUDY: Is my grief “normal?” One youth minister talked about how young people process grief through their anxiety about being “normal.” “In the face of a death, some young people will worry something is wrong with themselves if they don’t think they are as upset as others about the loss. Or an individual may think he’s/she’s not normal because his/her peers aren’t as upset as he/she is. It’s quite possible that in the given scenario this will be the first time death has touched the lives of most of the youth group members. They need assurance that whatever it is they are feeling is ok to feel. And to hear someone say out loud that it is ok for different teens to have different reactions to the same situation. Teens process the events around them in terms of what those events say about him/her as an individual. Reassurance that they are normal is extraordinarily important.”

The cause of a death can have impact on the bereavement reactions. Deaths resulting from what may seem preventable complicate the grief reaction. (accidents, suicides, homicides, and AIDS) Unique issues also arise during the bereavement period if the death is sudden without an apparent cause.

CASE STUDY: Contending with the rumor mill. Be aware of the rumor mill among your young people can start early and get out of control. A youth minister shared, “People’s need to find a reason for the tragedy can lead to some wild speculations. All of a sudden the wonderful, all-star youth in your scenario may (and probably will) be rumored to have been drinking that night or to have had a fight with his girlfriend or to have been speeding or to have been depressed. It’s hard to accept an accident — surely there was reason? Because of that, it’s super important for your classmates to become well-informed experts on the details of the event. Their voice will carry great authority, and will be important for stopping/correcting rumors.”

Another factor is ‘survivor guilt’, which is characterized by the belief that one should have died with or instead of the person who died.
Although the death of a friend during adolescence is relatively common, little research has directly focused on this specific loss event.

Part III. Interventions

CASE STUDY: Issues of Forgiveness and death. One youth minister observed that even though her young people do not voice many concerns about death, their senior sermons delivered on youth Sundays seemed to always touch on “being good to get into heaven.”
Another youth minister shared reflections given by her youth with the young person who died in their community had been drinking and caused the accident that claimed his life. “In that situation I’ve heard young people in my group say things like ‘Oh, I guess he got what he deserved for being so stupid,’ or ‘That must have been God’s punishment for sinning.’ In that situation it’s a wonderful opportunity to begin an ongoing conversation about the differences between punishment and consequences. And how grace enters into tragedy.”

CASE STUDY: Bringing in a doctor. One youth minister brought in a parishioner who happened to be Alabama’s state coroner, to speak to the young people about what happens when you die after a young person died in their larger community. He spoke “not from a spiritual perspective, but literally, what happens to you when you die? He talked about what happens to your body functions, the process of death. And he talked about what happens to your body — where it is taken, how it is prepared for burial, when an autopsy is required by the state and how that works, how cremation works, how organ donation works, etc. It goes without saying that we did this event with parent permission and there were some youth who opted out it. But for those that were there, they said it was really helpful to them. They asked great questions, and seemed comforted by their increased knowledge. It was a conversation none of them had had before at home or in school. Taking some of the mystery away from the logistics of dying seemed to free their wondering minds to focus on their emotions and stirrings of their souls.”
After the program, she thought that having the doctor come in before the death had occurred might have been even more beneficial. This is also a reminder of the Herbert Anderson reading from “Living Until We Die,” about the process of death.

CASE STUDY: Being honest about your reaction. Several of the youth ministers urged being honest about your grief, anger shock with your young people, but not falling completely apart. There is a degree between being genuine with your emotions and still holding to your responsibility to your young people. You need to have your own support network as well so can be present and fully functional with your young people.

CASE STUDY: Just Being Together is Important. Several of the youth ministers mentioned the importance of the group gathering together initially with no real formal plan in place. Just being with others was what their groups were looking for. Two of the ministers dealt with the death of the same person in two different communities. In 2004, Texas seminarian Adam Goren died at Virginia Theological Seminary. He was a 27-year-old senior, and his death was sudden and shocking. One minister was a classmate of Adam’s at the time of his death. Her and her dorm mates just “holed up in a common room at the seminary and watched TV together. And part of me thinks that would be really important — to just open up the church and have some food and let the kids just be together.”
Another minister was the associate rector at the church where Adam was doing his field education. She said, “The response was swift and immediate. A team of volunteers called every kid and parent. They were all invited to come to the church that evening for a gathering — adults in the nave, kids in the library. Youth leaders and the rector met with the kids and told them what exactly had happened — as much as they knew at the time — to avoid any rumors, etc. The kids were told they had as much time together as they needed to process what they were hearing. They were also told that arrangements were being made for a memorial service there (in addition to the one at the seminary) and that they would have roles to play in the service. One thing they chose to do was to stand up in the congregation and sing ‘What if God was one of us?’ It was something that struck a cord for them. There were, I’m pretty sure, also offerings of individual counseling as well as more group time to explore death and process grief. The parents and other adults were informed of what would be presented to the kids and then there was an impromptu Eucharist – kids joined in – that was one of the most spontaneous and beautiful acts of corporate worship I have ever been part of. Probably because it flowed out of a genuine, communal felt need to offer thanks to God for all the Adam had been and done.”
Another youth minister spoke of just having a time to tell stories about the young person, especially if they were well known by everyone. He wrote, “Whatever it is, it needs to be theirs. Again, resist the urge to theologize. Grieving has little capacity, in my experience, for theology. What they want is to express their loss, and what sounds like theology is really pain.”

CASE STUDY: Be aware of new members of your group. Remember that not everyone might have felt an intense, direct connection to the person who has died. It could be that all of the youth felt well connected to the student who died. But perhaps there is a new member of the youth group who hasn’t gotten to know everyone as well yet, and may feel bad that he/she isn’t as sad as everyone else. It’s important to remember that everyone in the group will need some processing time and should be followed up with, not just the youth with the obvious close connections to the person who died. Those with the closest connections to the youth who died often make their pastoral needs known clearly. But, as ministers, we can’t forget that all members of the flock may be hurting and need care.

CASE STUDY: Memorial Sites. Memorial sites will happen and are outward physical expressions of our grief, like wearing t-shirts or making buttons with the image of the dead young person. Memorial sites can be “a place for the young people to write their memories, post pictures, thoughts or prayers could be a good way for them to begin to channel their emotions.” Provide paper, writing utensils, candles, etc. Establish one at the street fair (for our scenario), church, house, etc. But, the youth ministers warned of the downside of memorials — they can mire down your group and allow them to be stuck in the first stages of the grief cycle. Remember that adolescents process well through metaphor. This is why they like activities like writing reflections on paper and burning them. Perhaps there is a ritual that you can use to dismantle the memorial as apart of your group’s grieving process.

Chapter 11 – Helping Adolescents Cope with Loss
• Family life is supposed to be a safe place that adolescents rely upon. If there is the death of a parent, there is a significant loss.

Chapter 13 – Postvention with early and middle Adolescents

The community along with the local churches needs to develop a postvention plan.
A church/community program can be developed for a postvention program/plan to care for the grieving adolescent(s). It could look like the following:
Make a plan,
Postvention planning committee,
Educational and public information,
Students,
Staff,
Parents, and
Media

CASE STUDY: Watch for Waning Community support. One Bay Area youth minister is struggling with a church community that was very involved at the beginning following the suicide of a young person and, now, they have stepped back. She writes, “There were very few outlets for the greater community’s grief and in the beginning, the church really stepped up and provided some wonderful presence. Now that the church has stepped back, the community grief process is taking form in what I consider to be some unhealthy expressions. I think the church could have taken a greater role in redirecting that anger and sorrow into better awareness and prevention — especially in the area of depression and addiction that is so rampant in the Bay Area.”

CASE STUDY: Remember the Focus of your Group. Beware of the group becoming completely focused on this event. One minister wrote, “I think you have to be strategic in planning because the focus of the group cannot become all about the young person’s death. The group has to move forward. By you moving the community through and forward you will have also taught them an important lesson about moving forward when something like this happens again in their lives.”

Chapter 15 – Support Groups for Bereaved Adolescents

Benefits of professional support groups are not well researched and, therefore the benefit is unclear for adolescent mourners.

Chapter 16 – Professional Interventions to Assist Adolescents Who Are Coping with Death and Bereavement

Like adults, adolescents experience grief, but often they are not acknowledged in their grief and mourning in the same way as adults are. Most often adolescents are not included in the final arrangements for the deceased. The lack of participation and inclusion often leaves adolescents confused, bewildered, and alienated, therefore, making it more difficult to cope with their grief
Researchers indicate that attention must be paid to adolescents who do not express their grief. They should be counseled to avoid the possibility of inappropriate expression of grief later.
Grief counseling and grief therapy are interventions that may assist an adolescent cope with bereavement.
Grief counseling for adolescents is appropriate treatment for uncomplicated grief where the goal is to help the survivor to complete any unfinished business with the deceased and say a final good bye. The four tasks of mourning are: Accept the reality of loss, Work through the pain of grief, Adjust to the absence of the deceased, and Relocate the deceased emotionally and move on with life.
Adolescents often ask for opportunities to talk about their experience with death, and the counseling context can provide a safe place to do so.
Grief Therapy for complicated grief is to identify and resolve the conflicts of separation which preclude the completion of mourning tasks in persons whose grief is absent, delayed, excessive, or prolonged.
Adolescents who are experiencing difficult losses or dysfunctional mourning should seek assistance from a therapist who is professionally trained in psychodynamics, psychopathology, and family systems.
There are sections in this chapter that cover professional interventions with individual adolescents and interventions with the adolescent and their family. (This is not presented in this summary, and could be looked at later if necessary.
Counseling can help the adolescent develop a sense of control at a time when he/she might be feeling helpless and lost.

CASE STUDY: Bringing in the Professionals. Every youth minister surveyed stressed making use of experts from either outside or inside your parish. Maybe having someone come and talk about how to take community action against gun violence would be a way to positively motivate the group in a cohesive way. Offering safe and faith-based ways or avenues for them to express and channel their emotions in this situation is important. The variety of formats or offerings will enable you to work with the variety of young people you may have. Also, finding a good therapist who is experienced in working with adolescents and grief would be essential.

CASE STUDY: Gift of Liturgy in Processing Grief. One of the many ways a community can sort out their grief is to use the liturgical traditions of your community. A couple of the ministers mentioned education and use of the healing rite with a hurting community. A pastor or layperson that is familiar with the rite can talk about healing and perhaps even have the healing rite at some point. One minister talked of a specific healing service she worked on at a large youth retreat. “One of the best things we ever did during a healing rite was to provide the young people a variety of ways to express or ask for healing...from writing, to art, to the laying on of hands.”
Another minister said, “Ritual is a real gift and is key. Having the Book of Common Prayer to turn to for some kind of structure I have found over and over again is a real comfort to people who want to know “how” to do a funeral and gives some great clues to the grief process, no matter the age.”

"Congregational Trauma Analysis"

Preventative/Proactive Pastoral Care & Leadership

While it is an older book by today’s standards, Rabbi Harold Kushner’s When Bad Things Happen To Good People remains a helpful resource and can be applied for work with teens. You can talk about sections of the book and give them a chance to work through these issues.
Often times, people talk about the power, intervention, faithfulness, and love of God during times of good fortune, when a miraculous healing has occurred, or when trauma or disaster are barely avoided.
As Pastors and Youth Ministers, it is remarkably critical that we help people (especially youth) avoid setting the trap of believing that they are well because God wants it to be so & believing that the opposite must be true.
We can invite and encourage praise and thanksgiving during good times while steering them away from potentially dangerous beliefs that God’s will governs all and all is well with God’s people.
We can also keep a mental note of the kinds of “God talk” we hear from the youth. Having a sense of their belief in God, as well as their theodicy can help us best support them during tragedy.
Consider making conversations around these topics part of your confirmation program.
Look at how your worship is filling the needs of the youth. Worship is incredibly important during tough times but it will only be a resource for them during times of tragedy if it was working for them prior to the tragedy. Seek ways to give them ownership and look to shape it in ways that allows them to be open in worship.
Churches, like family systems, have “personalities.” Keep watch of how your church’s personality (means of communication, response during issues etc…) would come out during tough times.

Their Responses: Things To Expect

Like canoes in the river when a meteor strikes, we will all be affected by the loss of someone in our communities depending on how close you are to where the meteor strikes your lake. The pain and loss will radiate out from there.
Anger, crying
Guilt
Depression (seek help here)
Irritability, grumpiness
Huge personality shifts
Heightened sense of fear for their own well being and the well-being of loved ones.

Responding To Tragedy With Youth

Consider how close the individual youth (& the group) may have been to the person. The youth who are most directly hit will be completely immobilized or in a state of shock, regardless of the level of personal resources they may have had before it happened. As there is more distance, their ability to react and begin moving forward will be largely determined by their personal resources, as well as other forms of support they may have.
Communicate all information that you have sensitively and plainly. This will empower them.
Give them a space and permission to lament. There is often a period of anger towards God that will set the stage for healing if it is allowed. Look to scripture for examples of lamentations (Christ’s anguish, Habakkuk)
Allow them to grieve together. “When churches grieve together, they assure one another that God has not abandoned them in their grief.” Their presence with each other is very important.
Allow (within reason) for confusing behavior as they try to deal with all the emotions (strange jokes, mood swings etc…)
Stress God’s faithfulness over God’s power.
Reach out to youth who are on the periphery or the youth group and the church. The shock wave will hit them in different ways as well. Consider empowering your youth by asking some of them to call these other youth, telling them what happened and inviting them to meetings, services, etc…

Don’ts

Do not fall apart. If they see you can’t stay somewhat in control, they may think that they have no shot.
Don’t make false promises.
Don’t make judgments of them. Be aware of your facial and tonal reactions when they say or do crazy things.
Don’t try to explain any details that you are not sure of in regards to the trauma.
Don’t disrupt the structure of their lives more than you need to. Plan your healing times around school and other major things because they need this structure.
Don’t withdraw from them, even when you just don’t know what to say.

Seek Pro’s When

They act like nothing happened consistently.
They hurt themselves.
Any suicide talk.
Panic attacks
They hurt others or are cruel to animals.
Retreat to drugs or alcohol.

Role Play written by Edwin Johnson

Scene: Three teens (Edwin, Charity, Mark) are in the youth parlor of the parish in the early evening the fair is over. Mark is sitting on his own playing with his cell phone hand. Charity is crying and largely inconsolable. Edwin goes over to check on her and she grasps onto him, in the meantime, he is furious and upset. Rev. Betsy walks in and Sam walks in 5-10 seconds later, cell phone in hand.
Sam: I called every one on the list you gave me, is there anything else you want me to do?
Betsy: That will be all right Sam, thank you so much for all your help.
Sam: Do you want me to order a pizza? I could also see if I could find some of her craft projects that we could use for the shrine.
Betsy: (turning attention to Charity for a moment) I yes please, really, you have done so much. I want you to just relax; I know this must be so hard.
Betsy: (somber, showing some emotion) Hello everyone, thank you for coming. I just talked to the doctors and while they still don't know exactly what happened, they are certain it had nothing to do with parasites or other things from our service trip to Honduras. Jamie's family is doing as well as they possibly could. This time and this space are for you. I've ordered some pizza, your parents all know where you are and I will be giving you all a ride home in the van when the night is over, but we will be here as long as you want. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to talk to anyone or me. You can scream, cry, sleep, I hope that we can be together in our grieving.
Betsy goes over to Charity, who embraces her, still crying. In the meantime, Edwin paces over into Mark's general direction.
Charity: I was so mean to her yesterday! I was jealous that she was voted class president over me so I told her that she didn't deserve the award and that she only got it because it was a popularity contest.
Betsy: Oh honey, we all say things we don't mean someti ...
Charity: (interrupting) But that was the last thing I said to her and now she's gone. She must have thought that I hated her. She' 11 never know how much I care about her and how sorry I am for acting the way I did.
Betsy: It is O.K. to feel sad and guilty. We never know what's going to happen. I doubt that she thought you hated her. Do you remember your friendship bracelets?
Charity: (looking up a little bit) Yeah, I wear mine every day.
Betsy: Well so did Jamie. Jamie loved and cared about you so much, one argument couldn't possibly change that. One thing I can say, I miss her, I really do, it's only been a couple of hours but I really miss her.
Charity: (very emotionally) I miss her so much too!
Betsy: You know that you can pray for her. I'll ask Sam to come over and pray with you if that's O.K. He was very close to her also. (Sam comes over, they pray together)
(As this is happening a confrontation begins between Edwin and Mark. The pastor notices, focuses on helping Charity but moves over to Edwin and Mark. Edwin is pushing Mark a bit and is visibly upset. Betsy goes over and puts her hand on Edwin's shoulder.)
Betsy: Edwin ... What's happening? Edwin: Who the hell is this kid? I've never seen him in my life and he's just sitting here, playing some stupid game on his cell phone after Jamie died. I told him to put it away and he wouldn't listen. He doesn't even say anything.
Betsy: Edwin. I'm sorry you're so upset. Why don't you come over here and sit down.
(She goes and sits first)
Betsy: How are you holding up?
Edwin: (after a silence, he makes his way over) I don't even know what I am here. When Jamie and I started dating she asked me to come to this church, she said it was so important to her and she wanted to share it with me. So we spent almost every weekend here and it was a waste of our fucking time. It didn't do her any good anyway, she's dead and God did nothing to stop it.
Betsy: I'm sorry I didn't know that you weren't getting much out of the experience.
Edwin: How could I? All these kids are a bunch of losers anyway.
Betsy: Edwin, I know you are upset but I need you to calm down a bit and avoid attacking the other youth, this is a really hard time for all of us.
Edwin: Sorry, I just can't be here right now in church. God let me down a long time ago and He's done it again.
Betsy: Well tell me, why do you think Jamie liked it so much here, and why do you think that it was so important to here that you share this with her?
Edwin: Jamie cared for everyone and was nice to everyone. You knew her. She was that way at school and people were mean to her at times. Here people are a lot nicer everybody really seems to care.
Betsy: I think you're right. I think everyone here, in this room cares a lot. We are all very sad about Jamie.
Edwin: It still doesn't bring her back. May be all this church stuff stressed her out too much. May be if she relaxed a bit on this she'd still be here. I don't know, I better go. My brother can come and get me.
Betsy: It's up to you Edwin. But, I would really appreciate it if you could stay a little while longer. The pizza should be here soon and I wanted to get us together to pray for Jamie's family. In the meantime, I know you were close with her family. Do you think you could write one or two of your favorite memories of Jamie so we could give it to the family? I know they would really appreciate it.
Edwin: Fine. But, I'm not coming back to this church.
Betsy: You will always be special to us. We are thankful for the time we have had together with you and we hope there will be more ...

The next courses of action would be: Go over how we would engage Mark and give him a chance to deal with his feelings, or lack thereof at the moment, valuing his presence and validating his current state. Sam's helpful spirit seems to be a need for him at this time but setting aside time to check in with him on his own grieving and provide some space for it. Another critical point is that in all this the kids would be encouraged to attend school and other things as they could, because structure is critical for young people and taking away too much of it could be immobilizing.

Process Questions:
What types of grieving did you see?
How did it seem having people together?
What worked about the reactions/approaches?
What did not work about the reactions/approaches?

Video: When A Loved One Dies: Walking Through Grief as a Teenager

When a Loved One Dies: Walking Through Grief as a Teenager, is an ideal resource to help a teen dealing with grief. It features interviews with bereaved teens, because teens are most receptive to their peers. They speak from the heart, sharing candidly about their pain and healing. Divided into segments, the video covers topics such as surviving the first days, weeks, and months after the death, grieving the relationship lost, facing the future, and rebuilding your life. When a Loved One Dies gives insight not only to teenagers, but also parents, teachers, and counselors who want to know how to help bereaved youth. The accompanying resource guide provides information about the grief process, activities that can aid grief, and grief support organizations. Alicia Sims Franklin, LCSW, is a grief management specialist and a bereaved sibling. Emerging as an internationally recognized authority on children and grief, Ms. Franklin has designed an award-winning self-help model for children's grief support programs. She has spoken worldwide on children and grief, providing training for professionals as well as parents, children and teenage support groups. (There is more at http://www.paracletepress.com/)

We also have provided a pdf of the booklet that accompanies the video here. It is another great resource.

Bibliography

Corr, Charles A. and Balk, David E., editors, Handbook of Adolescent Death and Bereavement. New York, NY: Springer, 1996.
Crenshaw, Bereavement-Counseling the Grieving throughout the Life Cycle. New York: Continuum Publishing, 1990.
Hudson, Jill M. Congregational Trauma: Caring, Coping, and Learning. Bethesda, MD: Alban Institute, 1998
McGee, Teresa R. Transforming Trauma-A Path Toward Wholeness. Maryknoll, NY: Orbis, 2005.
Nuland, Sherwin B. How We Die. New York: Vintage Books, 1993.
When a Loved One Dies: Walking Through Grief as a Teenager, Paraclete
Video Productions, 30 minutes, (Orleans, MA: Paraclete Press), 2006. (Available in video and DVD formats)

Online Resources

There are a multitude of resources online about adolescents and grief. We would encourage you to check the web if a loss happens in your community. More times than not, there will be information out there about your specific situation of loss. These sites are a few of the online offerings about grief and young people.

American Academy of Child and Adolscent Psychiatry
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_grief

Beyond Indigo

http://www.beyondindigo.com/articles/article.php/artID/200277

Child, Adolsecent Grief Links from Griefhealing.com

http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

Center for Grieving Children

http://www.cgcmaine.org/index.html

Hospice of the Valley

http://www.hov.org/teen_grief_program.aspx