There are Santacons and santarchys going on all over the world this time of year, but we have one thing they haven’t got. THE BEACH!

 Early Santas get a souvenir book of lewd carols to sing along the way. Late Santas get left behind. Stick with the pack and you shouldn't get lost or hurt too badly. If you see more than one pack, stick with the biggest one. Or not. It's Santarchy, not follow-the-effing-leader. Santa is welcome pretty much anywhere he enters.  If we make it all the way to a Silver Fox morning at 6am I will consider it a great success.

YES, you MUST wear a costume. NO, you can NOT get by with a red shirt and Santa hat. BE CREATIVE, ya lazy bum! You don't have to look like Santa, but you MUST NOT look like you. Jeans, in particular, will be removed and destroyed without warning.  Buy a suit, make a suit, steal a suit. Be creative, be interpretive, be jolly.

Bring money for public transit, alcohol and food. Bring your ID, because even Santa gets carded these days. Stay hydrated, or at least stay liquored up. Pay your own tab and tip the staff like Santa would. Bars will be packed, lines will be long, and stops will be short. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN INEBRIATION.

(Santa does not advocate breaking open container laws. Santa's just sayin'...)

Don't be THAT Santa. Your friends want to have fun, not scrape the puke outta your beard or prevent your wasted ass from wandering recklessly into traffic.

Bring innocent toys to hand out to kids and naughty toys to give to adults. IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY TO MAKE PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Remember that Santarchy isn't about the BARS, it's about the CRAWLS. We have some intentions, but if you have an idea for a prank or stunt along the way, JUST DO IT. Get other people to join you, to share the fun and spread the blame. Interact with passers-by as well as other Santarchists. .. they will probably appreciate it. But always remember the four rules of Santarchy:

(1) Don't fuck with kids.
(2) Don't fuck with cops.
(3) Don't fuck with security.
(4) DON'T FUCK WITH SANTA!

And add to that, don't get yourself into any trouble that you can't get yourself out of. Santa has a way of disappearing when the red and blue lights start flashing or the fists start flying. Don't expect a Santa Bouncer or Santa Lawyer to come running to your side!

Remember the answers to these frequently asked questions:

Q: Is this some sort of political statement?
A: No, it's fun. Remember fun?

Q: What are you protesting?
A: Shitty holiday parties.

Q: Who's in charge?
A: Santa!

Q: Which Santa?
A: The one with the beard.

Q: Which Santa with a beard?
A: That's it, you're on the naughty list.

Q: Where are you going?
A: Nobody knows but Santa.

Q: Can I join you?
A: Get into a costume and we'll talk.

Q: But I don't have a costume?
A: Buy us all a round of drinks and we'll talk.

If you manage to stay with the pack the whole afternoon and evening, and not get yourself beat up or arrested, getting your fat Santa ass back to your vehicle is your own damn responsibility, since the reindeer will be too drunk to pull the sleigh. Your best bet is to have someone drop you off at the starting point and take a cab home. Cabbies absolutely LOVE having drunk Santas as passengers, no matter what you've heard to the contrary. Tip them well.

 DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE.

Thanks to santarchy.com and santacon.com and various Santacon websites around the globe for much of this text which i shamelessly stole. .