  Long Life of the Irishmen
Paddy, Sean and Seamus McGillicuddy were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road taking them past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", Paddy says. "It's Michael McNally's grave, God rest his soul. Says he lived to the ripe old age of 87!"
"That's nothin'!" shouted Sean. "Over here lies Patrick O'Toole. He made it to the age of 95 when he finally died!"
Suddenly Seamus yelled out "Good God, brothers! Over here I found someone, it says they got to be 145 years old!"
"What's that Irishman's name?" slurred the drunken Paddy.
Seamus stumbled, lit a match to better read what was on the old stone marker, and exclaimed: "It's Miles, from Dublin!"
The Golden Telephone
On holiday in Europe, Bert noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bert asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars.
Bert was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Europe, Bert kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars. After Bert finished his tour in Ireland, he decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN - 25 CENTS!
'Father,' he said I have been all over Europe and in all the great cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents? The priest smiled and said, 'Son, You're in Ireland, it's a local call!  |
 Sister Marie and the Drink
Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.
"I'll have a large gin" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"
 The Drunken Confession
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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